How did you improve a bad sexual experience with someone you have feelings for?

[yogacat]

When two people engage in physical intimacy for the first time, it's natural for things to feel a little awkward. Bodies can be unpredictable, different desires and skill levels can clash, and there's always the possibility of incompatibility. But what happens if you have a lackluster hookup with someone you have feelings for and want to pursue a relationship with? Do you give up or do you work to improve your sexual dynamic? I'd love to hear about a time when you experienced unsatisfying, uncomfortable, or embarrassing sex with someone and were able to turn the situation around. How did you address the issue and what happened afterwards? Was there a sudden improvement or did it take time? Did you try anything specific? Were there any hurt feelings involved?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

 what happens if you have a lackluster hookup with someone you have feelings for and want to pursue a relationship with? 

If it was just a hookup, why pursue it? Most hookups are not intended to go anywhere. Whether a hookup turns into more is really about the entire situation, not just sexual performance. .

[Coily]

Had a situation that was a work in progress relationship, when it came to sexual intimacy she and i had a few very awkward moments. I finally just asked her what she liked, she initially was embarrassed in speaking openly about it (which I found mildly amusing after being intimate);  but the dam burst and we worked on in the moment communications. There were a few instant improvements, but most of it took time.

One thing i took away from that situation was in framing the matter. there were a few moments where either of us could have torpedoed the whole thing, we got away from "you're not doing this right" and phrased it as "I really like it when you do X."

One very specific instance was she was a bit of a nibbler with oral, not great for me. I told her I liked it better when she didn't use her teeth as much, took some reminding, but we got there.

[catfeeder]

If I like someone enough to develop a relationship, I'm willing to do that outside of sex. Then we can communicate well during sex, because we both feel secure enough to do that.

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If I like someone enough to develop a relationship, I'm willing to do that outside of sex. Then we can communicate well during sex, because we both feel secure enough to do that.

Same - I never had sex before being very serious and in love (with one exception -he wasn't in love with me and I regret that exception)  - so it was a given that we'd talk about what we liked and that if it wasn't great the first time - no biggie.  Also depends what is needed to be compatible like if one person has very specific requirements or a fetish, etc.

For me personally compatibility was intimately tied to our emotional bond and commitment - both enhanced compatibility.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Same - I never had sex before being very serious and in love

Sure, yet in this case, where the sex came first, it's possible to ask the partner if he/she is willing to back up in favor of continuing to get to know one another. Then you can sex after you both feel more secure with one another.

There's no need to keep having lousy sex during a time when you're not feeling open enough to navigate your way to improving it. 

[Betterwithout]

In my experience, as trite as it sounds the first few kisses speaks volumes to me.   That is my 90% accurate radar on determining if things are going to work as an intimate couple.  I would also consider incompatibility if the first 3 or 4 tries are not good/or showing progress between the sheets.  It's not to say you can't make it work with a lot of patience and perhaps a trained sexual therapist.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

There's no need to keep having lousy sex 

There should be  T-shirts or mugs with this on it.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If I like someone enough to develop a relationship, I'm willing to do that outside of sex. Then we can communicate well during sex, because we both feel secure enough to do that.

Tend to agree with you there. If I feel a strong connection with someone I wouldn't necessarily go by the first encounter, and sometimes the first sex with someone can be a little wonky. Like, 2nd or 3rd time can be entirely different.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sure, yet in this case, where the sex came first, it's possible to ask the partner if he/she is willing to back up in favor of continuing to get to know one another. Then you can sex after you both feel more secure with one another.

There's no need to keep having lousy sex during a time when you're not feeling open enough to navigate your way to improving it. 

Yes but reminds me of what my mom used to say - euphemistically - "you can't go back to holding hands."

[ShySoul]

Unsatisfying, uncomfortable, or embarrassing sex can also happen between couples deeply in love who have been together for ages. People can be stressed. People can be tired. Anything can happen. The key is to get through it like you would any issue - with open, honest communication.

Take your time before getting to the physical stuff. The mental and emotional aspect is just as important, if not more so, then the physical. When you've taken the time to develop those parts, it will feel and be better in general. From there, it's just becoming attuned to your partner. It's exploring each other's prefernces and learning what turns them on. Consider it a journey you on together, working together to make it more pleasurable for both parties.

[rainbowsandroses]

Yoga I just saw this thread so decided to bump it. 

The issue of discussing your likes and dislikes before the "doing the deed" feels somewhat contrived to me.

I'm of the opinion that when there is a strong physical attraction and chemistry, which you DO know beforehand, sexual intimacy is typically pretty great, a greatness that stems from that strong attraction/chemistry.

This also reminds me of my thread about sexting before having actual sex as many couples do these days. 

It's interesting when you consider that by sexting beforehand, a couple does get the opportunity to know the likes and dislikes of their partner before actually having sex.

I have never engaged in full blown sexting before having sex, but there has been heavy flirting and a sexual innuendo tossed out here and there about what we both like. 

Not sure why I have such a hang up about sexting; what I have done (and these ended up being relationships that went long term NOT a hook up -  I'm not into hook ups) is pretty close to without the explicitness of sexting. 

I've actually never had it happen where the sex was awkward or bad, and if it were I'd have to question how strong our physical chemistry was to begin with. 

Unless one views sex as somewhat mechanical and simply to achieve orgasm which I don't and never did. 

I think I may be considered somewhat of an oddball in this regard, but I enjoy sex for the emotional connection, his "performance" and how well he's able to bring me to orgasm isn't my main priority.

If he's able to connect with me emotionally during sex, I'm in!   And that does NOT necessarily mean 'gentle' sex, it can mean raw unbridled sex stemming from our strong passion.

@Coily, OUCH!!  Thats a tough one!  And I'm glad she took favorably to your criticism (suggestion?), there are women who would not have!!

 

 

[ShySoul]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Unless one views sex as somewhat mechanical and simply to achieve orgasm which I don't and never did. 

I think I may be considered somewhat or an oddball in this regard, but I enjoy sex for the emotional connection, his "performance" and how well he brings me to orgasm isn't my main priority.

If he's able to connect with me emotionally during sex, I'm in!   And that does NOT necessarily mean 'gentle' sex, it can mean raw unbridled sex stemming from our strong passion.

If sex was just a means to orgasm, would you really need a partner at all? There seems to be plenty of... um, "aids" out there so you can do that solo. Yet people still tend to want a partner. So there has to be more to it.

I'd say the emotional connection is the driving force behind sex. It's what gets you so worked up that you can't help yourself. It enhances the performance and can get quite passionate and intense. Guess I'm a bit of an oddball too. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

I'd say the emotional connection is the driving force behind sex. It's what gets you so worked up that you can't help yourself. It enhances the performance and can get quite passionate and intense. Guess I'm a bit of an oddball too. 

^^Yeah isn't that what I just said?  

However, talking to various people, there are some people who place emphasis and value on the "orgasm" and "performance."  Not the emotional connection, that's a separate thing to some people.  

Not all in case someone chimes in with "I'm not like that"!  Lol.  But for some it is. 

I mean unless I'm missing something this thread is about bad sex and not satisfying your partner sexually and what to do about it when feeling an emotional connection? 

As I said and JMO but "bad" sex stems from lack of sexual chemistry and lack of emotional connection because when those things are happening, how can sex be bad?  

Unless again, one views sex as achieving an orgasm and satisfying your partner's physical needs.

Which is OK!  It's just not something I personally prioritize over the emotional connection and sexual chemistry.

 

[ShySoul]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

As I said and jmo but "bad" sex stems from lack of sexual chemistry and an emotional connection because when those things are happening, how can sex be bad?  

Totally agree with you. 

I can't even recall a bad experience because I've made sure any physical thing I've done comes after the emotional connection. Even the silly little things that happen were enjoyable because we were so in the moment together. And the chemistry part seemed to take care of itself.

If others have a different take, to each their own. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yoga I just saw this thread so decided to bump it. 

The issue of discussing your likes and dislikes before the "doing the deed" feels somewhat contrived to me.

I'm of the opinion that when there is a strong physical attraction and chemistry, which you DO know beforehand, sexual intimacy is typically pretty great, a greatness that stems from that strong attraction/chemistry.

This also reminds me of my thread about sexting before having actual sex as many couples do these days. 

It's interesting when you consider that by sexting beforehand, a couple does get the opportunity to know the likes and dislikes of their partner before actually having sex.

I have never engaged in full blown sexting before having sex, but there has been heavy flirting and a sexual innuendo tossed out here and there about what we both like. 

Not sure why I have such a hang up about sexting; what I have done (and these ended up being relationships that went long term NOT a hook up -  I'm not into hook ups) is pretty close to without the explicitness of sexting. 

I've actually never had it happen where the sex was awkward or bad, and if it were I'd have to question how strong our physical chemistry was to begin with. 

Unless one views sex as somewhat mechanical and simply to achieve orgasm which I don't and never did. 

I think I may be considered somewhat of an oddball in this regard, but I enjoy sex for the emotional connection, his "performance" and how well he's able to bring me to orgasm isn't my main priority.

If he's able to connect with me emotionally during sex, I'm in!   And that does NOT necessarily mean 'gentle' sex, it can mean raw unbridled sex stemming from our strong passion.

@Coily, OUCH!!  Thats a tough one!  And I'm glad she took favorably to your criticism (suggestion?), there are women who would not have!!

 

 

Hey thanks.

But, you're kind of (not you specifically, I'm just talking in general) 1. innocent 2. completely obsessed with each other, so 3. anything done together is kind of only trying to express that and well into things maybe more sexually, because by this point you two are really comfortable with each other, so communication shouldn't be that big of a deal by now, but first time, heck, just hold on for the ride. 🙂

But you know, kind of the beauty of all of it is that things don't always go according to our imagination, or what we think we know about other people. And so I also like that very much as well. Getting blown away, or making a big splash, completely unexpectedly.

It turned out he'll be into things you thought he wouldn't be, and not into things you thought he would be and it was still fun. Some of it is surprising....

So maybe bad is the wrong word then... 70% (if that) of that surprises in la-la land dating/sex that turn out nice is. But lets face it, it can also turn out 70% the other way, and often the latter is where surprises hide.

I know without a doubt that as time goes on it can get hotter when you learn more about each others personalities, expose yourselves to each other more, increase intimacy. Sure, emotional connection first and foremost but like layers of everything that we each enjoy, our triggers, our ever changing moods and priorities. Its not only about performance, its about relating. Sometimes I want more and sometimes less.

Physical, emotional...time will tell..

Just my two cents worth, seriously an ever evolving experience.

[Dancer Candy]

Unless you are completely jaded, sex and emotions are always tied together.  Usually you can't have one without the other.  It's hard not to take things personally when you have a bad experience - "What's wrong with me?!?!?"  or "what did I do wrong?!?!?" are pretty common responses.

[boltnrun]

The first time I had sex (by which I mean intercourse), I was 18 and so was the guy. We were in the back seat of his Volkswagen bug so not much space or comfort. There was a lot of "Wait, my arm's stuck. Ouch, you're on my hair. Oops, sorry, didn't mean to jab you with my elbow". It was like slapstick comedy. So, was it "good"? Perhaps not, but I look back on it fondly. It's a fun memory even though neither of us knew what the heck we were doing.