Did I do something wrong?

[Tinydance]

I guess at this point it's more like a general question about the situation and whether I did anything inappropriate. I had this acquaintance who is probably in her mid 20's and I'm in my late 30's. She's married with a baby. We met through friends and in person maybe only met a couple of times. We had each other on Facebook for maybe about six years. We would chat a bit online through commenting on our statuses and photos. I think it was more me doing the commenting but she always replied positively. I would also sometimes invite her to some events like my Birthday but she didn't come.

She posted recently that after 18 months battling cancer her Dad died. My Dad died of cancer too two months ago. I commented on her post: "I'm so sorry for your loss! I actually recently lost my Dad to cancer too and he was only 64. He only lived a year after being diagnosed. My thoughts are with you." I noticed that immediately after I made that comment she blocked me. I perceived it as being related to my comment and that it upset her in some way. 

I posted about it on another forum as I was a bit confused if I said something inappropriate. One person was saying that as her Dad just died and she just posted, she probably didn't want to hear about my Dad dying. She said maybe it invalidated how she felt.

Then the person went on to say that she has depression and her grandmother would send her articles about sad situations and say: "See some people have it worse". And that when her best friend committed suicide that many people would say they also knew someone who died and she got sick of hearing it. I said that I don't actually think those situations are the same because I wasn't sending a random article. I was talking about something that she went through recently that I also personally recently went through. I thought I was showing that I could relate to how she felt.

Another person said that they totally see where I was coming from but the timing wasn't right for what I said. Am I missing something? I thought it was actually OK to say you went through the same thing? Like if someone says they had a miscarriage and if it happened to you too you could say you're so sorry for their loss and you went through the same. 

I know she was only an acquaintance and I'm going to just let it go. Just trying to understand if I actually did anything wrong or not.

[Batya33]

I really don't know! Whenever I respond to someone's loss of a loved one I never bring up my own stuff (yes I know I bring up my own stuff here - I am specifically referring to responding to a post like you described).  If I am close with the person and we talk later privately it might come up -I mean often that person will know.  I just do this in an abundance of caution so that person won't feel invalidated even if my intentions are genuine. I'd say maybe she wanted to share private info about her dad but I also know on FB you can limit who can see certain posts (I've seen my friends do this -I was included but that was the FB message).

People who are grieving - sometimes they react out of character. I wouldn't be concerned.  You did nothing wrong - it's not "wrong" is what I mean!

 

[Tinydance]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I really don't know! Whenever I respond to someone's loss of a loved one I never bring up my own stuff (yes I know I bring up my own stuff here - I am specifically referring to responding to a post like you described).  If I am close with the person and we talk later privately it might come up -I mean often that person will know.  I just do this in an abundance of caution so that person won't feel invalidated even if my intentions are genuine. I'd say maybe she wanted to share private info about her dad but I also know on FB you can limit who can see certain posts (I've seen my friends do this -I was included but that was the FB message).

People who are grieving - sometimes they react out of character. I wouldn't be concerned.  You did nothing wrong - it's not "wrong" is what I mean!

 

Well the other thing is I've just been discussing something interesting on another forum. So about 12 years ago I got told that I most likely have ADHD after doing like a two hour assessment with a specialised psychiatrist. I did the assessment because I had symptoms of it. But at the time decided not to go on any medication and kind of just forgot about it.

Some people on the other forum sent me an article and others commented that a neurodivergent way of showing empathy is telling people experiences that happened to you which are similar or the same. The intention is to show you've been through the same thing and you can relate. But apparently it can really be seen as that you don't care and are just changing the subject to yourself. I feel like maybe sometimes I do this unintentionally but I mean well by it.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

others commented that a neurodivergent way of showing empathy is telling people experiences that happened to you which are similar or the same

I don't agree with this.  I think that people who don't at all acknowledge the other person's loss and change the subject are acting thoughtlessly/like a jerk and/or might have some issues.

[boltnrun]

She may have interpreted your comment as making her dad's death about you. 

Now, I don't believe that's what you were doing. But she may have thought it was. 

A former coworker was in a terrible car accident where his foot was nearly forcefully amputated. He came into work a few weeks after his surgery to repair the damage. His wife brought him in because he obviously couldn't drive. And all she talked about was HER medical issues and injuries. I don't know if she was trying to seem understanding or relatable but it came across as her wanting the focus to be on her instead of on her husband.

Again, I do NOT believe that's what you did. I'm just explaining how it may have been interpreted by your friend. 

[Starlight925]

My condolences on your dad's passing.

When my dad passed, it literally didn't matter to me what people said, just that they acknowledged it.  Man people empathized by sharing their stories, and honestly, all that mattered to me was that they reached out in some way.  It was such a whirlwind that I didn't even have time to think of why someone was saying something.

Now, had you gone on and on about him, that might have been a bit annoying, but not block-worthy.  And I don't think that's what you did.

Who knows why she blocked you.  People are funny.

A co-worker with whom I've been friends for years blocked me.  ????  She still calls me, she still asks about me, she still comes over to me at meetings.  But she blocked me.  WhatEV.

Hold up your head, you did nothing wrong.

[Batya33]

And I’m sorry about your dad. 

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I know you had a hard relationship as I did with my father . It doesn’t hurt less because our relationships were fractured . 
 

I don’t think you did anything wrong . I think you were expressing sympathy because you know the situation. 

[Seraphim]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well the other thing is I've just been discussing something interesting on another forum. So about 12 years ago I got told that I most likely have ADHD after doing like a two hour assessment with a specialised psychiatrist. I did the assessment because I had symptoms of it. But at the time decided not to go on any medication and kind of just forgot about it.

Some people on the other forum sent me an article and others commented that a neurodivergent way of showing empathy is telling people experiences that happened to you which are similar or the same. The intention is to show you've been through the same thing and you can relate. But apparently it can really be seen as that you don't care and are just changing the subject to yourself. I feel like maybe sometimes I do this unintentionally but I mean well by it.

I express sympathy the same way by expressing similar situations. Am I neurodivergent, probably . My son is and my husband and my father was ( bipolar people are counted as neurodivergent) 

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She may have interpreted your comment as making her dad's death about you. 

Now, I don't believe that's what you were doing. But she may have thought it was. 

A former coworker was in a terrible car accident where his foot was nearly forcefully amputated. He came into work a few weeks after his surgery to repair the damage. His wife brought him in because he obviously couldn't drive. And all she talked about was HER medical issues and injuries. I don't know if she was trying to seem understanding or relatable but it came across as her wanting the focus to be on her instead of on her husband.

Again, I do NOT believe that's what you did. I'm just explaining how it may have been interpreted by your friend. 

Yeah I totally understand that aspect of it. To be honest it never bothered me personally if someone said something about themselves, unless they completely just took over and went on and on. I never had a problem if someone said something like: "Oh, you just lost your dog, I did as well so I can relate." And then naturally you'd probably ask each other how old the dogs were and a few other things about them. I never thought this was a problem at all. The only way I'd see it as a problem would be if they did literally make it all about them. Like: "Oh my dog was only five when he died, but yours was twelve! At least you had more time with them." That would be invalidating and it's all in the way you say it I think.

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

My condolences on your dad's passing.

When my dad passed, it literally didn't matter to me what people said, just that they acknowledged it.  Man people empathized by sharing their stories, and honestly, all that mattered to me was that they reached out in some way.  It was such a whirlwind that I didn't even have time to think of why someone was saying something.

Now, had you gone on and on about him, that might have been a bit annoying, but not block-worthy.  And I don't think that's what you did.

Who knows why she blocked you.  People are funny.

A co-worker with whom I've been friends for years blocked me.  ????  She still calls me, she still asks about me, she still comes over to me at meetings.  But she blocked me.  WhatEV.

Hold up your head, you did nothing wrong.

Yeah that's super weird that your colleague blocked you but she's still being friendly and hasn't even given a reason why. I think also sometimes in this day and age people see just hitting the "block" button as nothing because we're all uses to just the whole block and delete thing. Some people think that "Oh what's the big deal, it's just social media". But that person is left wondering what actually happened because they got no explanation.

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah I totally understand that aspect of it. To be honest it never bothered me personally if someone said something about themselves, unless they completely just took over and went on and on. I never had a problem if someone said something like: "Oh, you just lost your dog, I did as well so I can relate." And then naturally you'd probably ask each other how old the dogs were and a few other things about them. I never thought this was a problem at all. The only way I'd see it as a problem would be if they did literally make it all about them. Like: "Oh my dog was only five when he died, but yours was twelve! At least you had more time with them." That would be invalidating and it's all in the way you say it I think.

My friend told her friend her husband had stage 4 colon cancer and the friend said "oh I can relate. my cat had cancer and passed away"  I don't mind at all when people say it like you said above.  When my dad passed away in 2016 I didn't appreciate a good friend starting with exclaiming with drama how she knows I must be so devastated and in shock - I said - I loved him, we weren't close and he was suffering with alzheimers so we're all partly relieved he's not suffering anymore.  I didn't love the assumption and the drama -but it came from the heart -as did my reaction.  But of course I wouldn't have blocked her, etc. I'm sorry that happened to you!

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I express sympathy the same way by expressing similar situations. Am I neurodivergent, probably . My son is and my husband and my father was ( bipolar people are counted as neurodivergent) 

The thing is I'm actually just feeling really self-conscious now because I genuinely thought it was actually a good thing to say you've been through the same thing. I had no idea I was doing anything wrong?! I think I'm only just starting now to come to that realisation that many neurodivergent people maybe come to that they thought something was appropriate and had no idea why people don't like it. I had a few people comment on the other forum who are ADHD or autistic say: "Yeah neurotypical people don't like it because it sounds self-absorbed and like we're making it more about us".

There was one person (not neurodivergent) who got nasty to me saying why I'm not accepting the other perspective they were giving that maybe it sounded self absorbed. The examples they were giving is they have depression and their grandma would say: "But some people have it worse". Or their best friend committed suicide and people would say: "Oh my such and such died too" and that they got sick of hearing it. I said yeah but this isn't actually the same because I'm not sending any articles how someone is starving and has it worse and I'm talking about sharing exactly the same experience someone went through that I also went through.

[Batya33]

I think it's common for people to say the wrong thing despite good intentions especially on social media while typing and those people with rare exception are typical in the neuro sense and not in the least divergent.  

[Seraphim]

10 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

The thing is I'm actually just feeling really self-conscious now because I genuinely thought it was actually a good thing to say you've been through the same thing. I had no idea I was doing anything wrong?! I think I'm only just starting now to come to that realisation that many neurodivergent people maybe come to that they thought something was appropriate and had no idea why people don't like it. I had a few people comment on the other forum who are ADHD or autistic say: "Yeah neurotypical people don't like it because it sounds self-absorbed and like we're making it more about us".

There was one person (not neurodivergent) who got nasty to me saying why I'm not accepting the other perspective they were giving that maybe it sounded self absorbed. The examples they were giving is they have depression and their grandma would say: "But some people have it worse". Or their best friend committed suicide and people would say: "Oh my such and such died too" and that they got sick of hearing it. I said yeah but this isn't actually the same because I'm not sending any articles how someone is starving and has it worse and I'm talking about sharing exactly the same experience someone went through that I also went through.

You are not wrong. I would however leave her be for now. Her grief I think has taken over for now . 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

You are not wrong. I would however leave her be for now. Her grief I think has taken over for now . 

Yes I will definitely leave it. I've taken advice on board about empathy and so on and will work on self improvement but I won't reach out to her.

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yes I will definitely leave it. I've taken advice on board about empathy and so on and will work on self improvement but I won't reach out to her.

Actually, I think you did just fine. I think the issue is that she is overwrought which happens in grief and is really sensitive. 

[catfeeder]

I think you combined sympathy with empathy in a respectful and sensitive way. You could not have been expected to know if such a thing could have triggered something unique to her, you didn’t know her that well. I’m sorry for your loss.

[greendots]

Sorry for your loss, Tinydance.

[Capricorn3]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think you combined sympathy with empathy in a respectful and sensitive way. You could not have been expected to know if such a thing could have triggered something unique to her, you didn’t know her that well. I’m sorry for your loss.

I second this post. I don't think you did anything wrong.

Also, sorry for your loss Tiny.

[boltnrun]

I don't think you had bad intent either, or that you were trying to turn the focus on yourself.  But I had a friend years ago tell me "Every time I talk about something you always come back with how the same thing happened to you.  It's annoying". Just trying to give a possible explanation as to why your friend reacted the way she did.

[LootieTootie]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

"Every time I talk about something you always come back with how the same thing happened to you.  It's annoying". Just trying to give a possible explanation as to why your friend reacted the way she did.

I don't know if you guys ever watched the Tyra Banks show when Tyra had her own talk show. Any way, she would have guests on her show, but always turned it around to talk about her own experience or some anecdote that sometimes had nothing to do with the subject on hand. She got a lot of criticism for doing that.

Saying that, I don't think you did anything wrong Tiny. I think if you had kept messaging her about your dad's cancer ordeal, it would be different. But I do think that people grieve differently too and maybe some people are extra sensitive during mourning.

I'm sorry about the death of your dad.