Im a bigger dude looking for advice.

[JustADude21]

I'm 21 year old dude and I haven't had an actual relationship since high-school. I partly feel like it's because of my weight (I weigh 350 pounds.) I just want to be happy and make someone happy but I always feel like my weight is stopping me. There's plenty of people around me that I crush on but never talk to because I feel like they judge my appearance.

 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, JustADude21 said:

I'm 21 year old dude and I haven't had an actual relationship since high-school. I partly feel like it's because of my weight (I weigh 350 pounds.) I just want to be happy and make someone happy but I always feel like my weight is stopping me. There's plenty of people around me that I crush on but never talk to because I feel like they judge my appearance.

 

You don't mention the cause of the weight gain.  Is it just bad habits? What have you done about healthier eating/exercise habits?  Have you tried diets?  Perhaps a good starting point is to see a dietician.  Follow up with joining a gym, swimming, or jogging etc etc.  Once you lose the weight you gain confidence, feel better about yourself etc,  which can make a huge change to your life.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't judge your appearance.  I wouldn't date a man who weighed that (with one excepton I made 20 years ago for specific reasons) because even if I was attracted to that person I'd be too worried about their health and health risks at that weight and whether it would affect being active -I'm an active and fit person and always have been including when I was in my 20s.  Deciding not to date an obese person because of lack of attraction and/or health concerns is not judging in that negative way.

What are you doing to take care of your health?

[boltnrun]

Regardless of your appearance, excess weight causes your heart, skeletal system and respiratory system to work harder than they're intended. I would imagine you have issues with your legs and feet, back, digestive issues, perhaps asthma. You're a young person so there's no reason to sentence yourself to a lifetime of health issues. 

If you're eating excessively to soothe yourself or as a source of pleasure, it's important to find a healthier way to soothe or find pleasure. Perhaps a counselor or healthy eating organization can be of help. This will also help you feel physically better which will help with feeling emotionally and mentally better and therefore more confident and comfortable.

I wish you the best.

[Coily]

4 hours ago, JustADude21 said:

I'm 21 year old dude and I haven't had an actual relationship since high-school. I partly feel like it's because of my weight (I weigh 350 pounds.) I just want to be happy and make someone happy but I always feel like my weight is stopping me. There's plenty of people around me that I crush on but never talk to because I feel like they judge my appearance.

 

Outside of your diet and life style choices, are there any other contributing factors to your weight? Such as Thyroid problems can be linked to weight gain. Plus a myriad of other health conditions can lead to weight gain. If you are serious about  weight loss consider checking with a physician. Or perhaps depression is a factor?

It's way too easy for people to just say diet and exercise and you'll feel better. Not always the case if there are other issues you are struggling with. Would a personal trainer or activity friend help you stay motivated?  For many it's staying motivated that is the problem, and it can be beyond setting goals for yourself.

Places like the gym etc are kind of icky for some people, so you need to find something that would get you active and motivated. You would never catch me in a gym, so I go and chop cords of wood, I build things, I go for walks and hikes, and I find things that I like that are physical. Even something like bowling would get you more active.

Don't let the boiler plate stuff get you down, it's well intentioned, but one size doesn't fit all.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, JustADude21 said:

. There's plenty of people around me that I crush on but never talk to because I feel like they judge my appearance.

Do you want to lose weight? If so it's difficult but there's options.

In the meantime would you consider dating women around your size? They may like a big guy or not be as judgemental. 

[itsallgrand]

What do you like to do with your time? Hobbies, interests, things you are good at? 

If your confidence is low, athletics can help with that. It's something I love about exercise. Through the toughest times in my life, it has brought a mental and physical boost. It's great for mental health as much as physical health. No matter where you are at, it can give you tangible accomplishment. And accomplishment builds real confidence! 

 

 

[boltnrun]

36 minutes ago, Coily said:

Places like the gym etc are kind of icky for some people

I don't like the gym (never have) and I am limited in what physical activities I can participate in. So I go for walks. I can swim. I go on moderate hikes. I have been able to drop some weight by walking and occasionally hiking. Plus being outdoors makes me feel good. 

I agree that ruling out contributing factors is important. I have low thyroid and am possibly pre-diabetic but I was still able to lose weight doing the activities I described.

[smackie9]

Then do something about it. A good outward appearance builds confidence, and shows confidence. Women want a man that can take care of himself, and is self sufficient. A man that takes good care of himself, physically and financially. No different than what men expect in a woman...it goes both ways right? 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

What do you like to do with your time? Hobbies, interests, things you are good at? 

If your confidence is low, athletics can help with that. It's something I love about exercise. Through the toughest times in my life, it has brought a mental and physical boost. It's great for mental health as much as physical health. No matter where you are at, it can give you tangible accomplishment. And accomplishment builds real confidence! 

 

 

Same exact here -my daily workout is my everything for mental and physical health.  And inspires me to make better eating choices and hydrate more. I recommend Weight Watchers.

[Coily]

OP, you need inspiration and motivation; not just "You'll feel better." That's just an empty promise that holds little value when you are wanting change; it's also a bit dismissive of what you are trying to figure out. It can be hard to get the motivation to get the ball rolling, when you feel like you are being cliche clobbered.

So, what's your goal? Find a nice lady to take on a date? Great! Now, outside of what I mentioned above, is there anything you think that is holding you back? Anything that you want to achieve in say 6 months time? Do you need a change of where you are living?

There are a lot of incidental factors that add up with weight gain. Some you have direct control over, and others you need to learn to manage.

[Wiseman2]

69% of Americans are overweight or obese. While getting healthy is a great goal, you're far from alone in your situation.  

https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/obesity-prevention-source/obesity-trends-original/obesity-rates-worldwide/

[boltnrun]

I don't think it's a "cliche" to say that when your body is struggling to maintain itself it's difficult to feel good about anything. Including feeling confident enough to meet and approach people. I know when I used to eat garbage like McDonalds I felt just as bad as the crap I was eating. And when I sit on my couch not being active I feel sluggish and unmotivated because I'm not doing anything healthy for myself. 

I believe in a strong body/mind/emotion connection.

So whatever it is that makes you feel energized and uplifts you can become part of your daily routine. And recognizing the things that contribute to feeling low in energy and lacking in motivation and deciding to greatly reduce or eliminate them can make a major difference. 

[Tinydance]

Well first of all, I do want to say that there actually are some people who are naturally bigger due to genetics. I literally read articles about it. I'm one of those people but I'm not massive or anything. I have a male friend who is slim and he ate huge amounts of sugar and never gained weight. However he did start getting bad teeth and became pre diabetic. So yes in regards to his health it was dangerous. But I never noticed anybody comment on his looks or the garbage he was eating because he was slim. So for one I think there's definitely a double standard in the way people treat slim and overweight people and how people perceive them.

If you're really obese then yes for your health you should probably lose some weight. In terms of dating, there are many people out there who are chubby or big. Not every person is slim or attractive. I've seen plenty of big people have partners. You said that you don't speak to anyone because you're scared they're judging your appearance. For one I don't think you actually know for sure they're judging your appearance. Unless they said something then you don't really know what they're thinking. If they're big themselves then they're probably in the same boat as you.

You didn't mention your sexuality but if you're a straight guy then usually girls will expect you to be the one to make the first move. If you never speak to anyone then you're never actually going to get any results. That goes for anyone who isn't just drop dead gorgeous. Most people are average so people won't just go up to them. You actually have to make some effort.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 3/6/2024 at 9:28 AM, Batya33 said:

I recommend Weight Watchers.

I agree, or another weight loss group.  I actually joined a local Jenny Craig support group years ago after graduation after gaining the 'ole college 15' while attending uni.  

There were both men and women there and we talked about our various dating struggles not just pertaining to weight but dating and LIFE in general.  Had a couple of the guys ask me out, and one couple from the group actually began dating!  I mean ya just never know where you're gonna meet someone special.

The food was pretty good too!  A bit pricey but it was worth it, in fact after I lost the weight I still bought the food, it was THAT good.  You can check out their menu online.

Just a thought.  The apps are difficult and some people can be very cruel towards the overweight, and I am so sorry for that.

Anyway, good luck!  

 

[catfeeder]

Have you tried asking out any large women?

[Difficult_conversation]

I'd suggest trying to get in shape as well. Improve your daily habits and try to exercise. Usually the progress is quite fast in the beginning and then slows down. Do it for your own sake at first, especially to feel more energetic and to decrease health risks. You will get attention from ladies (more easily) afterwards. It's a long process, but it is a good idea to start tomorrow.