Confusing online situation, please assist

[Piano Black]

Met this amazing guy online (same country, a few hours apart) a long time ago. We've been closer friends for the past year and I didn't know it but he was interested in me for quite some time and slowly building up to making a move and eventually courting me. We have the most insane connection I've ever had in my life. It wasn't long before things turned more intimate and we can't stop talking for hours every night. Saying good night is incredibly hard for us. 

 

At first I found it a little bit strange, he wanted to know literally every tiny thing about me, even all the details of my past relationships, which was pretty weird for me if I'm honest. I feel like not much good can come of it, the past is in the past and all that so I did feel a little exposed. We met in a heavily community based online game. Someone I used to be really close to and used to like but it didn't work out still plays as well. We're still friends, but I absolutely am not interested in him any more. My person did not like that and he strongly believes that it is inappropriate to be friends with exes and that it's basic etiquette to not be friends with an ex out of respect for your new relationship. I'm still friends with some of my exes including one from a couple decades ago. I've never been interested in going back with an ex, that would be like kissing my brother to me at this point because it didn't work out for a good reason, and plenty of my friends/family are still friends with exes as well. Not like I'd go hang out with them or anything but this one still happens to be in this community.

 

So anyways we were totally crazy about each other for about a month and then we had an argument over the ex thing. I fully understand it's a red flag to some people and I respect it and hope we can work through it together. He's withdrawn all affection towards me for the time being to 'protect himself' and I do respect it, however, I don't want to cut off anyone in my life for someone I've never even met! I'd love to meet him but he has some physical insecurities (I think he's freaking gorgeous and make sure he's very aware of that) so he's not ready yet.

 

So I've been pretty stressed out, he doesn't seem crazy about me like before but he's said he still really likes me and loves our connection, doesn't want to lose me and wants to spend more time getting to know me and see where things go. He hopes to see a future with me where we work it all out and he still thinks I'm very lovely. Still gazes at my picture from time to time and tells me that. But again it's confusing because he freaked out and thinks maybe he's not ready for a relationship yet because his reaction to the ex thing was that extreme, but then the next morning came to me and asked if we can just slow it right down and still spend the time. So that's how it's been for over a week now, he makes no sexual advances or affection because he was scared he just wants to enjoy the time with me and see if it blossoms. My mind doesn't know how to go back from him being absolutely crazy about me to completely withdrawing, but he still spends hours and hours with me every day, we have fun together but he also feels bad because I've been sad (sometimes I wonder if I should just run and heal from him but he really doesn't want to lose what we have either and he's worried about me pulling away too).

 

So yeah. Weird confusing situation where guy got freaked out over an ex and emotionally withdrew but still wants to move forward with me and spends many hours a day with me and loves our connection but I don't know what to do.

 

Sorry for long story and thank you for reading ❤️

[Batya33]

Have you met in person and if so how often do you see each other in person? In general when someone asks for space whether platonic or romantic just respect that.  He's told you he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you (assuming you date in person -if you haven't met in person you're not in a romantic relationship -it's an online friend of  yours) - so assume he doesn't want one with you -the reasons don't matter for  your life -he can work it out on his own if he cares to -none of your business. 

[MissCanuck]

This is red-flag behaviour coming from someone you have never met. 

Please don't feelings of flattery cloud your better judgement here. This doesn't seem like a viable connection, especially since he still refuses to meet you in person. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Piano Black said:

  he wanted to know literally every tiny thing about me, even all the details of my past relationships, I did feel a little exposed. Still gazes at my picture from time to time and tells me that. 

Sorry this is happening. Please shut this down. He's using you as a free OnlyFans/ porn site.

Please keep in mind all the sexting pics can be sold and go virtual on the Internet in a nanosecond.

Please talk to trusted adult friends and family. Please focus on getting a job and going back to school rather than sexting and talking to some weirdo 24/7. 

Please set yourself free and start talking to and meeting local decent real life men you can date in person and build a relationship with. 

 

[Andrina]

Does it make sense to you that a gorgeous man who knows how to flirt and pay attention to a woman be single? If he had his crap together, he'd already be in a local relationship. 

People who seek out others long distance for this fake cyber stuff do so for a reason. You can probably see yourself within the list as well. Have secrets a local person could easily suss out. Aren't emotionally resilient enough for a real-live, local relationship. Have an ulterior motive such as financial scamming. 

You apparently haven't had enough life/dating experiences to detect dealbreakers. He possesses more than one. Why do you believe all you're worth is toxicity? Better get to the bottom of that before you attempt to date anyone. Next time try locally. It's far less expensive and it's so wonderful to regularly get together with a guy for outings, holding hands, and all the enjoyable things a companion in 3D can provide.

[catfeeder]

58 minutes ago, Andrina said:

People who seek out others long distance for this fake cyber stuff do so for a reason. ... Have secrets a local person could easily suss out. Aren't emotionally resilient enough for a real-live, local relationship. Have an ulterior motive such as financial scamming. 

I agree and can add to the list another purpose: to manipulate with flattery and fake 'bonding' a way to request sexy pics, videos and live sex action. This can either be used for blackmail, resale on black markets or just for one's own private thrills. If you participated, he's gained what he wanted from you. If not, then he's moved his act onto other marks.

If no adults have ever taught you about 'stranger danger' when you were a child, consider learning about it now. Limit your romantic pursuits to local dating of people you can actually meet. Whether you use online dating sites or not, don't confide in anyone who is not willing to meet you in person--in a safe public space--early. Otherwise, he has something to hide, and it makes no sense to mess with such a person.

[smackie9]

Have you facetimed with this guy at all? This sounds like you are being catfished. 

[Tinydance]

I think putting the fact that this relationship is online aside, you aren't compatible. He's not OK with dating someone who is friends with their ex's. You're friends with your ex's and you don't want to cut them off which is fine. I'm friends with one of my ex's and maybe acquaintances with one other but we don't really talk.

I think you're right in saying that it wouldn't make sense to cut people out of your life for someone you've never even met. But at the same time he does have a right to not want to date people who keep in touch with ex's. I think it's very common for people to think of ex's as being in the past and wanting nothing to do with them. So they don't think their partner should talk to ex's either and don't see it as appropriate.

I think there's no right or wrong necessarily but this is how he feels. I don't think you can change how he feels so your only other option would be to cut your ex's off. Which you aren't going to do so you guys likely won't come to any agreement about this issue.

[Coily]

On 3/3/2024 at 7:04 AM, Piano Black said:

 I'm still friends with some of my exes including one from a couple decades ago.

Just to point this out to everyone treating the OP like she's 16.

Online connections are an interesting animal, one I don't think a lot of people can quite wrap their minds around if they haven't engaged in one that wasn't purely hedonistic. While it's clearly not the same as local, it's also not that different that people who work hectic schedules and have to make effort to see each other. I think what bothers people about online and modern long distance is the seeming "onlyfans" portrayal it gets, when reality is much less seedy.

Not to mention sometimes dating local isn't a great option. Yes it can be convenient, but sometimes there just aren't shared core values.

As I'm already in the pulpit. This guy's insecurities about you remaining friends with ex could isn't a good look. Now I think a difference should be made between his discomfort and demanding you never engage with these exes.

My take is that it's fine if you want to keep conversing with this guy, though I would encourage video calls and such. Look for near you options, and limit the sexy fun time stuff. With the few hours apart, maybe look at finding a way to meet in person, so you can feel this guy out. Maybe take some friend with you who can pop off for a coffee while you meet this guy in a public place.

Which leads me to a question, have either of you mentioned meeting IRL? Not a romantic sweeping off the feet date, but a cup of coffee and conversation. I would use that as a better metric.