I (M22) just found a shocking truth about my girlfriend (F21). What should I do?

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

So, me and my girlfriend have been together for six moths. Everything is going great. Except for the fact that she doesn’t trust me fully yet. I never really understood this. But it all makes sense now.

 

She is my first girlfriend. And she said in the beginning that I was also her first boyfriend and that she was a virgin. However, yesterday, I learned the terrible truth. She said she was not doing well mentally. So we met, and she told me she has been hiding something since the very beginning. She said she was very ashamed and that she regrets it. She told me a year and a half ago she was in an 8 month relationship. And in the beginning of it everything was good, but later, her ex treated her poorly, used her, cheated on her, and abandoned her. After that she slept around with two guys, up until 3 months before we met, and also started drinking to cope with the pain. She said she regrets it. The reason she does not fully trust me yet is because of her past. I told her its okay. I thanked her for telling me this, and I said to leave the past behind and focus on the future. It was a total of five hour talk.

 

Now, my question is. How can I continue trusting her? How can I trust that she only slept with two people, or that she never cheated on me in that regard?

 

What should be my next move?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

 How can I trust that she only slept with two people, or that she never cheated on me in that regard?

If you you are going to accept her disclosures, you're going to have to accept it...or end it. If she can't be honest with you, what's the point? Especially over nonsense like whether she had sex with 2 people or whatever. If you feel possessive, jealous, distrustful or insecure in the relationship, you may have to rethink things 

[Seraphim]

What she did sex wise before you isn’t your business other than to maybe produce a clean STD check up . 
 

[Batya33]

It depends how you feel about lies like these - I personally would be done and could not trust a person who would lie to that extent.  But I'm not you.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

What she did sex wise before you isn’t your business other than to maybe produce a clean STD check up . 
 

I agree. However the bigger issue I am having, is that she lied to me. She told me she was a virgin, that I was her first. If she told me all this in the beginning, that would be different. I am still thankful she told me. She said her original plan was to never tell me. But she couldn't hold in the guilt. I am grateful she had the courage to tell me. She said she went prepared thinking I was going to break up with her. So her courage, I appreciate. It's just the lying aspect that kept me awake last night. But maybe I am overthinking, I am not sure.

[Seraphim]

Just now, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I agree. However the bigger issue I am having, is that she lied to me. She told me she was a virgin, that I was her first. If she told me all this in the beginning, that would be different. I am still thankful she told me. She said her original plan was to never tell me. But she couldn't hold in the guilt. I am grateful she had the courage to tell me. She said she went prepared thinking I was going to break up with her. So her courage, I appreciate. It's just the lying aspect that kept me awake last night. But maybe I am overthinking, I am not sure.

I would make her aware any further lying will result in no other chances. I wouldn’t appreciate the lies either . 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I agree. However the bigger issue I am having, is that she lied to me. She told me she was a virgin, that I was her first. If she told me all this in the beginning, that would be different. I am still thankful she told me. She said her original plan was to never tell me. But she couldn't hold in the guilt. I am grateful she had the courage to tell me. She said she went prepared thinking I was going to break up with her. So her courage, I appreciate. It's just the lying aspect that kept me awake last night. But maybe I am overthinking, I am not sure.

Are you sure given her mental health issues there's  part of her trying to sabotage?

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Are you sure given her mental health issues there's  part of her trying to sabotage?

What do you mean? 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

What do you mean? 

She didn't tell you because she's brave- part of her -or all of her is trying to get you to break up with her.  

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

How can I trust that she only slept with two people, or that she never cheated on me in that regard?

By "doesnt trust you" do you mean that she hasnt slept with you yet? Because I can see why she needed to come clean if that is the case and that her lie would probably be exposed. Or did you just not noticed that during sex?

I wouldnt appreciate lies like that. As well as just her thinking that she should continue the lie. Who could have been exposed very easily. Where you particularly fixed on her being a virgin? Was that the reason she hide it?

Also, you really cant know. Or trust her when she outright did lie to you beforehand.

[smackie9]

What does it matter "how many". Look at the person before you...she's wonderful, you like each other. Stay true to your words....leave the past behind and look to the future. 

[catfeeder]

While the lie would bother me, I would take from this experience the lesson that discussing prior sexual history beyond confirming a clean STD test makes a mess that you can never undo. Things like counting numbers of sex partners or revealing details about specific acts or names of prior partners are not just intrusive, this lays down a battleground of comparison and judgment that starts off the relationship in a state of toxic sabotage. Nothing good can thrive in that.

Unless you want to hold out for a woman who has sprung from the womb fully formed without a history, you'll need to reconcile the fact that sex is a natural act, and if you are old enough to have sex, then you are old enough to accept that most people you encounter will have had a sexual history, and it should be considered private.

[Capricorn3]

OP, have you ever lied in your lifetime?  Can she trust you?

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

However the bigger issue I am having, is that she lied to me. She told me she was a virgin, that I was her first.

Apparently this is/was quite important to you?  That you be her FIRST, just as she was your first?  If it is, that is OKAY, you are entitled to want that, to have that be important to you.

She most likely knew that too which is why she lied about it.   Truth is, she had one previous boyfriend and had sex with two other men before you.  And had she told you this upfront, you could have assessed whether or not you wanted to continue forward with her at that time.

But she didn't allow you that opportunity, so now you're left with that information six months in and after you have developed feelings and an attachment to her.

If I were you, while I would understand why she lied (to some extent), it would be very difficult for me to trust anything she told me from here on out.  What if she gets "scared" again of telling you the truth about something, will she lie again?

I look at it this way.  People either have a strong character or they don't.  People either have integrity or they don't.

And what I have discovered is that when people lie about something this important (morals/values), no matter what their reason, fear or whatever, they lack strong character and integrity.

Not sure if those things are important to you, you will have to determine that for yourself.  If they are, then break up with her.

I don't see this as having anything to do with the fact that she's not a virgin or had sex with two other men prior to meeting and dating you.  And had she told you up front, you may have even gotten past it.

It's the lying about it, the deception.  And what that lying/deception represents - lack of character, lack of integrity.  IMO anyway.

All the best whatever you decide, good luck.

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Truth is, she had one previous boyfriend and had sex with two other men before you.  And had she told you this upfront, you could have assessed

Spelling out a full body count OR lying weren't the only two options. She could have simply said that she wasn't a virgin and left it at that. OR, she could have said that it's none of your business.

Nobody 'owes' anyone a single detail about their sexual history beyond a clean STD test. 

[rainbowsandroses]

30 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Spelling out a full body count OR lying weren't the only two options. She could have simply said that she wasn't a virgin and left it at that. OR, she could have said that it's none of your business.

Nobody 'owes' anyone a single detail about their sexual history beyond a clean STD test. 

I completely agree (with bolded) but is that really the point?  I don't think so. 

Many years ago, after nine months dating, my boyfriend at the time disclosed to me he had been married previously.  Actually, HE didn't tell me, his sister did.

So he lied.  Did I care that he had been married previously?  NO!  What I cared about was that he lied to me about it (lie of omission).  He did not trust me enough to tell me, or at least that is what I thought at the time, and that was huge for me!

Long story short, I ended up breaking up with him because I simply could not trust him from there on out to be truthful with me.  It would always be in the back of my mind, his deception.

You are absolutely right.  OP's girlfriend did not have to disclose her full body count, she could have simply said she had one boyfriend prior to OP, which would have been the truth.   Or like you said, she could have said she was not a virgin.

But she didn't choose those options.  She choose to fabricate a story which was a lie.

I think telling a new boyfriend "none of your business" is rude.  I cannot envision saying this to a new boyfriend (even if/when asked about body count) and TBH if a new boyfriend, in response to a question I asked (not about body count because I NEVER would ask such a question), responded with "none of your business," that would be our LAST date.

JMO.

 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think telling a new boyfriend "none of your business" is rude.  I cannot envision saying this to a new boyfriend (even if/when asked about body count) and TBH if a new boyfriend, in response to a question I asked (not about body count because I NEVER would ask such a question), responded with "none of your business," that would be our LAST date.

Yes, that's exactly the. point. That would be a date-ending answer to a date-ending question.

And yes, while OP's point was that she lied, regardless of whatever the outcome may be for that, I didn't want him to walk away from this believing that the question itself is okay to ask the next woman. It's not. 

[Tinydance]

Well I guess when someone lies about something relatively big, it does make you wonder whether they've lied to you about other things. Or will lie to you again. So I do understand where you're coming from. Have you asked her why she lied? It seems pretty odd to say you're a virgin if she's slept with a few guys. I don't really see the point of it to be honest. Unless you come from a culture that values virginity? 

I don't think sleeping with four guys at 21 is that bad. Especially if two of them were longer term relationships and not just a one night stand or something. So to me personally I wouldn't care that she slept with those guys but I guess I'd be wondering what the point of lying about this was. 

[Coily]

The problem is this wasn't just one lie, it was two. The Virginity part, which carries weight for individuals. Everyone is entitled to their opinion on the matter. The other lie is that she was into these flings, which again is a reflection of her character.

Because she is your first girlfriend, she thought it was okay to lie about it being a first for her as well. As if you weren't worth being honest with. If you want this to work out she will have to do a lot of work to earn your trust back.

[Andrina]

On 2/20/2024 at 11:55 AM, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

The reason she does not fully trust me yet is because of her past. I told her its okay. I thanked her for telling me this, and I said to leave the past behind and focus on the future. It was a total of five hour talk.

No, it's not okay. When someone lugs around toxic emotional baggage, the partner is being punished for a crime he/she never committed. IMO, people who haven't ditched emotional baggage are not ready to be in a relationship. It's not fair nor healthy to anybody to be subjected to that. You're overlooking what should be a dealbreaker flaw because at your age, perhaps you don't know any better, and her attractiveness apparently overrides something that should be a major issue in your mind.

On 2/20/2024 at 11:55 AM, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

And in the beginning of it everything was good, but later, her ex treated her poorly, used her, cheated on her, and abandoned her. After that she slept around with two guys, up until 3 months before we met, and also started drinking to cope with the pain.

In her VERY recent past, she has handled problems in toxic ways, including alcohol, sex in a way that's reactive instead of the normal good reasons one has it, and by lying. Most people don't change on a dime in one major way, let alone three. 

Stick around if you so choose, whether to accept all of this with eyes wide open, or to have a set timeline to wait and see if she is a brand new woman who has learned from past mistakes.

Everyone has flaws, but please begin learning that there are huge differences between minor flaws and dealbreaker flaws. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Tinydance]

23 minutes ago, Andrina said:

No, it's not okay. When someone lugs around toxic emotional baggage, the partner is being punished for a crime he/she never committed. IMO, people who haven't ditched emotional baggage are not ready to be in a relationship. It's not fair nor healthy to anybody to be subjected to that. You're overlooking what should be a dealbreaker flaw because at your age, perhaps you don't know any better, and her attractiveness apparently overrides something that should be a major issue in your mind.

In her VERY recent past, she has handled problems in toxic ways, including alcohol, sex in a way that's reactive instead of the normal good reasons one has it, and by lying. Most people don't change on a dime in one major way, let alone three. 

Stick around if you so choose, whether to accept all of this with eyes wide open, or to have a set timeline to wait and see if she is a brand new woman who has learned from past mistakes.

Everyone has flaws, but please begin learning that there are huge differences between minor flaws and dealbreaker flaws. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Well I would be interested to know WHY she lied. I'm not saying it's excusable but if she had a somewhat good reason for it then maybe I'd look at it a bit differently. Again not saying it was OK. The only way that I'd understand it more is if for example OP was saying to her that he was really nervous about having sex for the first time or felt insecure because he's a virgin. So to make him feel better she lied that she was a virgin too. Even in that case I don't necessarily think it would be the best way to deal with it but at least there would be some kind of logical reason behind it. If she can't give any good reason why she lied then yeah I think it's a red flag.

I mean I know in some cultures virginity in a woman is very highly valued. I remember watching a documentary about how some women had sex and they weren't considered "wife material" in their society's eyes. So they would go to some special doctor who apparently sewed the hymen back or some bs like that. But I think what the doctor was doing was actually just a lie because you can't exactly tell if a woman is really a virgin or not. Anyway I don't 100% remember what exactly the procedure was but it was something along those lines. I guess if a woman is from those type of cultures it would make more sense to lie she was a virgin. But otherwise there's no reason to lie about it.

[dias]

I agree about the lying part which is a red flag. But dude, from the title "shocking truth" I thought we were talking about a murderer lol. In most cases, you need to add from 3 to 20 in whatever number a girl tells you. Not that it matters in the end and I think it's dumb to talk about numbers but hey everyone is different. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I agree that asking about  numbers and "notch count" is wrong however in OP's case, we don't know if he even DID ask her.

In his OP he wrote:

On 2/20/2024 at 8:55 AM, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

She is my first girlfriend. And she said in the beginning that I was also her first boyfriend and that she was a virgin.

"And she said..."

We have no idea what prompted her to say this; it's possible and quite likely that HE did not ask, but rather she told him she was a virgin after HE told her he was a virgin and that she was his first girlfriend.  Or it was simply part of a general conversation they were having discussing past relationships.

I mean OP is man with zero experience, never had a girlfriend, no sexual experience, how would he even know to ask such a question? 

In my experience, the men who ask about 'notch count' are men with lots of experience themselves including sexual and have it in their heads that a woman with sexual experience is somehow not "pure" and not "marriage material."  Some men, certainly not all thank goodness.

Also, the OP himself is a virgin and I don't think it's unreasonable that he would want his first girlfriend to also be a virgin.  She is his first, he is her first.  

Perhaps OP could return with more context as to what prompted his gf to tell him she was a virgin?

Not that it even matters at this point, again since he is a virgin, him wanting his first girlfriend to also be a virgin is not wrong or unreasonable, imo.

What matters more is that she lied, and I can't fault or judge him for being bothered by that. 

$.02.

 

 

 

 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 2/20/2024 at 11:05 AM, Wiseman2 said:

If you you are going to accept her disclosures, you're going to have to accept it...or end it. If she can't be honest with you, what's the point? Especially over nonsense like whether she had sex with 2 people or whatever. If you feel possessive, jealous, distrustful or insecure in the relationship, you may have to rethink things 

Big update. Yesterday I had another talk to her. I told her that I forgive her, and emphasized the expectations of our relationship. I told her from here on out she needs to be honest with me. I also gave her one more chance to come clean and tell me the whole truth, since I suspected she didn’t tell me the whole truth the first time given her body language.

 

That’s when she opened in detail about her past. And oh boy. She started crying profusely. She didn’t have casual sex with 2-3 people. More like 7 or 8. And her casual sex/ situationships/ toxic relationships started at the age of 16 when she lost her virginity. She also admitted that she cheated twice on her ex boyfriend. Once, because of miscommunication, since she didn’t realize she was in a relationship and slept with someone else. And then later for revenge because she found out her ex had been cheating on her the entire time. She regrets it and said that no matter the reasons that led her to cheat, that cheating is cheating. And what she did was unacceptable.And that she understands cheating is a deal breaker.

 

She gave me so many details about her past, opening up in a way I never saw before. To the point I told her to stop sharing every single detail because I had the information I needed. She asked if there was something else I wanted to know. She said she is really ashamed of what she did in the past. She knows what she did is wrong, that she was young and stupid back then. She also went to therapy. Also, three family members died in that time. She hit rock bottom. And that she will never do something like that again. She gave me the chance to leave her. She said she was a hoe back then. And that she probably doesn’t deserve me. That maybe I want to find someone better, since her past is jaded. I made the decision to forgive her. Because of how amazing our relationship has been, and the fact that I felt she told me the whole truth. And because I believe people can change.

 

She also said she hasn’t been unfaithful to me during our relationship. She even showed me her contacts on her phone proving there is not another guy in her phone. I didn’t ask for it. She just wanted to show me. She deleted all social media when we started dating. She also said the reason why she changed her phone number when we started dating was because she wanted to start fresh. To start from zero. She didn’t want no past guy contacting her. And she didn’t want me to become suspicious if a past guy tried to contact her.

 

She said the reason she hid all of this was because she wanted the past to die. She wanted to start from zero. She saw what a great guy I am, and that she could not lose the opportunity to date someone as amazing as me. She wanted to appear as this perfect person. I told her I was virgin. Being completely honest about my self. And she thought I wanted a virgin as well. Which is not true. I don’t care about the person’s body count. All I want is honesty, communication, trust, and respect. Her plan was to never tell me all this. But her guilt just grew more and more. She wanted to let the truth out in parts. But since I told her she had one last opportunity to come clean, she told me everything.

 

Have I made the right decision?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

.Have I made the right decision?

You've only been dating 28 weeks. It's the getting to know you time and a good time to reasses things. To be honest it seems like she's trying to sabotage the relationship.

At this point it seems she needs a therapist, not a BF. Only time will tell if she's playing you for the fool because of your lack of experience.