When you hear nasty things your friends say behind your back?

[MrHorizontal1234]

Hi,

I've been recently volunteering at a venue in which an old friend from school works behind the bar, and his gf is head chef.

I've had a turbulent relationship with them both for one reason or another over the last few months. They often, on a saturday night, bring others back to their flat for an all night party. Tonight I heard them spewing nasty things about me threw their window. It hurts like hell, but I know I am better than them.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

I've been recently volunteering at a venue in which an old friend from school works behind the bar, and his gf is head chef.

Sorry this is happening. Can you find somewhere else to hang out or volunteer? They don't seem like good friends or decent people to hang around.

[delmarvausa]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It probably feels pretty raw, hearing nasty words or things said, but perhaps after you cool off you might think more calmly. For starters, consider the source; if certain people find it fulfilling to talk badly about others and fill their time with blame and judgement...well, what does that say about them? 🤔  Perhaps not the quality individuals you could see yourself getting to know better? Maybe another place would be worth looking into to spend time at. 

[Kwothe28]

I think people take some things way too much to the heart. Them spreading rumors and saying nasty things about you is not a reflection on you, its the reflection on them. Just dont hang out with them. And maybe even find somewhere else to volunteer.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

They often, on a saturday night, bring others back to their flat for an all night party. Tonight I heard them spewing nasty things about me threw their window. It hurts like hell, but I know I am better than them.

I agree wholeheartedly with the others.  And - does anything they said ring true as far as you making different choices in the future as to how you treat people? You mentioned turbulence so it wouldn't be the worst thing to consider whether there is any grain of truth that might incentivize you to do better.  Also you now will be even more motivated not to do this to anyone else-if you ever have that is. 

[MrHorizontal1234]

I mean, I'm socially awkward, although I've been getting better. I'm very much alone atm, and it's a struggle. I consider these people "friends", but they're more like casual acquaintances. And they always end up ditching me at the end of the night. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes I get treated like crap. The gf is the worst. She blows hot and cold and has a lot of baggage.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

I mean, I'm socially awkward, although I've been getting better. I'm very much alone atm, and it's a struggle. I consider these people "friends", but they're more like casual acquaintances. And they always end up ditching me at the end of the night. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes I get treated like crap. The gf is the worst. She blows hot and cold and has a lot of baggage.

If they're only acquaintances I mean -then why bother given the risk of overhearing their drivel again?

[ShySoul]

People who talk bad about you behind your back and who ditch you aren't friends. I wouldn't even classify them as acquaintances. Sounds more like jerks to me.

You've been through a lot and I know how lonely you have been feeling. I think you want to see these people as friends to combat that lonliness. So you are willing to try and deal with their behavior. But it's only going to hurt you in the long run. You should have a more supportive environment to help you with your confidence and actually relate with you. Try to keep your distance and find another place to volunteer if possible.

I'd also call myself socially awkward and have felt very alone much of the time, so I understand how hard things can be. I've heard people say things about me when they didn't know I was listening. It hurts. But it is a reflection of the kind of people they are, nothing to do with you. So try to not let it get you down. Instead, focus on you. Don't think about being social or what others say or do. Think about something you love to do. Find a hobby or a cause and do it. The best way to not feel alone is to be doing what you love and having so much fun doing it, that everything else starts to feel minor in comparison.

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

And they always end up ditching me at the end of the night.

What do you mean? Do you mean they make plans to go out after work and don't invite you along?

15 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

sometimes I get treated like crap

What do they say or do?

I am trying to get a sense of context to better understand what is happening with these people

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

. I consider these people "friends", but they're more like casual acquaintances. 

Why not join some groups and clubs volunteer get involved in sports and fitness take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons?

. You can have fun meeting like-minded people and just enjoy yourself making new friends.

This way you have something concrete and healthy planned as far as socializing rather than leaving it up to chance and  just going to the default bar with the same annoying friends out of habit. 

[Tinydance]

I'm confused....Are they also your neighbours? I'm just wondering how you can hear what they're saying about you through their windows at their place? If you're only volunteering there and not doing paid work then personally I'd just quit. To be honest it doesn't really sound like these people consider you a friend. And as you said you consider them only acquaintances too. Can you just stop volunteering there and cut contact with them?

[Capricorn3]

On 2/19/2024 at 7:07 PM, MissCanuck said:

What do you mean? Do you mean they make plans to go out after work and don't invite you along?

What do they say or do?

I am trying to get a sense of context to better understand what is happening with these people

^ I'm curious about this too.

[Cherylyn]

You have choices.  Volunteer elsewhere. 

Or, continue volunteering where you are,  maintain a very cautious,  safe distance with those who talk badly behind your back and carry yourself with dignity. 

If it's too uncomfortable for you,  if I were you,  I wouldn't be with people who are unkind.  Enforce strong boundaries.