Just having a really hard time

[boltnrun]

Maybe they envy you for being single and free to do whatever you want.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Thanks. Its nice to hear that some people relate and understand. I can't stop the gushing. My two friends are already gushing about breast pumps and wedding plans. I can't relate at all. And when I bring up other stuff they just keep talking about marriage and babies. For hours. Mine as well stab me in the eyes. 

I am totally against being burdened with steering someone away from gushing. I have a few people in my life who beg me to gush about our son. My sister. My mother. And my in-laws when they were alive. Seriously they ate it up - and I obliged I mean it’s their close family. Otherwise never. No posts on Facebook no photos and any comments are few and far between not gushing. Why an adult woman wouldn’t keep up other interests and activities and knowledge or what the heck is going on in her neighborhood , city , world is beyond me. It’s boring and there’s no need OP to tolerate more than small doses of gushing.
like  ok when they first give birth. First find out the gender if that’s important. Fine. Just like if you first find out you got a new job or an interview or the perfect color paint for the guest room after looking everywhere (no I’m not being sarcastic). 
I get that babies are life changing. They are. But I mean come on. Common sense. Read the room. Live your life especially if your spouse - gasp - has other interests beyond baby stuff. Keep current. Go see live theater - I did 12 days before I gave birth. 
you need new people. They don’t have to be single. I’ve told you where to go - I deliberately won’t repeat since you should step up to the plate and look at all the past threads or do your own research. No. Don’t go to a bar alone. I mentioned salsa or swing dancing lessons. That’s how my friend met her husband. He was the instructor. 

[Alex39]

I worked all day then forced myself to go to the gym even though I was tired. It did make me feel a bit better. I am really trying to stay healthy body and mind. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My two best friends are now gushing about being pregnant This is torture. 

You're doing it to yourself.  Envy and jealousy is eating you alive. Even if these friends weren't married having kids,etc,., your predicament of not finding a BF/ husband would still be there. Please stop blaming them. They found their niche, husbands whatever, but that's completely separate from your own situation. 

[Alex39]

I'm not NOT happy for them. I'm happy seeing them happy. It just makes me sad for myself. I'm not mad, envious, or whatever of them. I just don't understand why I haven't been lucky in love and growing a family. I've always been behind. I was always behind on stuff as a kid. But I know I want marriage and a family. And it's sad seeing my friends living a dream that I've also worked hard for and aren't living. It seemed to come so easy to them. They barely had to dare any men and Bam, met their soul mate. I've probably gone on 50 or more first dates. I just haven't clicked with someone. 

[Jaunty]

I can almost guarantee you that if you suddenly reeled in a fine man who asked you to marry him and you had all the bells and whistles that you seem to admire so much in wedding scenarios, and you had the babies,  etc.  you would not be fulfilled.

The reason:  simply because you are desperately looking for fulfillment from external things.

We all need to be able to find joy and feel "complete" even when we don't have - or, have lost -things and people who seemed to be crucial to us.

[LootieTootie]

Alex, have you thought about making new friends? Going on Tinder and looking for friends with your same interests? Or joining some local meetup groups with same hobbies or goals? Or joining a church single group?

 

[Batya33]

Please take comfort that it's so typical if you don't live under a rock that things seem sooooo much easier for certain people -that they are "luckier" than us.  And it really can be true.  Life isn't fair! There are certain blessings to having to fight for what you want and it takes longer -you appreciate it more.  You maintain it better because you know what it's like to be without.  Some people find love based on pure luck.  Most do not.  For most it's a combo with luck being the minor part.  

It sucks so badly to be single in your 30s when you don't want to be and it feels like everyone you know is coupled off and knocked up.  I was in that situation over and over again and I have no apologies for referencing "me" because I know when I was in your shoes it helped me to hear how others had survived this time (while my sister started having babies at 26 and married at 24 -ouch is all I can say and oh the comparisons made between her and me -no fun, it sucked).

I'm glad you can also feel happy for your friend. But please take care of you -please do not force yourself to meet with friends to discuss themes for the gender reveal or help with the registry if that is too much to stomach.  Those gross feelings I find can sneak up on you.  

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

...things seem sooooo much easier for certain people -that they are "luckier" than us.  And it really can be true.  Life isn't fair! There are certain blessings to having to fight for what you want and it takes longer -you appreciate it more.  You maintain it better because you know what it's like to be without.

I love this, Bat, it's so true. Alex, when you were a happy busy bee with positivity, didn't you feel energized and motivated--like anything is possible? The problem is, you directed this energy toward knocking yourself out to cater to others' events, as though this would somehow deliver your ultimate reward to you. Then you felt ripped off when your story didn't happen.

I took a crash from that state shortly after 30. I was bridesmaided to exhaustion on top of showers, 1st birthdays and housewarming parties. I started resenting that my fairytale hadn't come true, and, unfortunately, I conditioned this resentment into a habit. I started nixing every social avenue that didn't land me an instant 'win'.

At some point I opted to credit myself with all of those abilities I owned before, it was just up to me to decide that I will employ them again--and how. I'd been stripped of the fairytale illusions that life is fair, and that everything I attempt 'must' yield instant results, otherwise, it gets tossed in the 'doesn't work' pile, leaving me with nothing else to focus on but sorrow. I had to figure out how to unlock this cycle, or else I'd just keep spinning inside it with no way out.

What if there's a balance somewhere between All and Nothing? Learning how to operate within that balance can prevent you from going straight to negativity against every idea to develop an interest, a talent, a cause, a passion, a purpose, a sense of community. These are the places where you can incubate a social life that can grow beyond a single-minded focus on Man or No Man. This builds in you a state of abundance and generosity of spirit for its own sake. BUT, it's from this legitimate place of enjoyment that any hunt for a life partner can bear fruit. Otherwise, you're operating from a place of desperate scarcity, All or Nothing, and as you've noticed, that's a vicious cycle of misery.

Anything IS still possible. Use the Internet, use your research skills, challenge yourself to go out on fact-finding missions to learn what volunteer or creative or spiritual or political or civic avenues you could explore. Meetup.org could be a place to drill into. Pretend you'd be interested in given groups IF they were closer to you, then learn about each and use that info to research other channels for something similar near you--regardless of whether it's on meetup.org, or not. (Build a research 'chain'.)

16 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I've always been behind. I was always behind on stuff as a kid.

Good self awareness. So what does this tell you? Being a few beats behind didn't have to mean that you would never attain the 'stuff'. I never understood algebra until after I was forced into a remedial course in college. I ended up earning a Master's in management with honors while teaching advanced testing courses for The Princeton Review. To Batya's point, sometimes the stuff that doesn't come easily ends up taking a direct ascent to the top of achievement at some point, AND, you appreciate it more for your efforts.

Head high, honey. You are more resilient than you might feel right now. You get to decide how long you'll want to take to bounce back and overcome this cycle. It needs to start with your mind, but it must move you toward living outside of your own mind.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

challenge yourself to go out on fact-finding missions to learn what volunteer or creative or spiritual or political or civic avenues you could explore.

I know -words/labels but -I like this one a lot for the OP because it pairs well with the other phrase -"living outside your own mind"  - I feel like she could fashion herself an old school Nancy Drew on her fact-finding mission being single minded about thinking outside the box.  OP don't you have to be like that at work - you described your marketing work just like that.  So - can you use your marketing and PR skills on yourself?

[Alex39]

I use my marketing skills on myself a lot, but usually only in the professional sense. At work, or going for better jobs. I nail it every time there. In my personal life, I just don't see how I can use my professional skills. 

An update though, I joined a few Facebook groups years ago where it was like girls trying to be friends with other girls in my area. But I never really engaged in it. Some girls would plan group activities that were expensive. So I never attended. 

I'm someone that needs time to read, process, and think. That's why then you notice I go MIA for a bit. I'm processing. 

I sat back and realized what a lot of you guys said is true. And I do think I need more and new friends. Not that I'm throwing my old friends out. But I need more of a life and new women to get to know. 

I was hanging out with my mother and talking to her. And she was saying how she doesn't feel my friends even care that much about me anymore, from what I've told her.  Ever since they found guys, they are distant.  But my mom reminded me of some times where my friends really weren't great friends to me and she also reminded me how when we get together it's awkward and they don't put effort in. My mom remembers a lot of stuff I've said. She too, thinks I need new friends. Funny thing, years and years ago, I saw a psychic who told me- you need to get new friends. That- you're friends aren't good friends. 

I didn't listen. I didn't see it until now. 

Years ago, one of my friends, Libby was getting married. I helped throw her a bridal shower with our other best friend, Sam. Libby's mom is dead so I thought I was doing a good thing for her. Sam and I spent hundreds of dollars and effort in. I dont even think Libby appreciated it. It wasn't exactly what she wanted and she complained after. It was rude and heartless. Then when Libby got pregnant,  I offered to throw her a baby shower, again I felt we were close and her mom was gone. She held me off, saying how she wanted to see "who else wanted to contribute to her shower" 

I was the only one who offered. It was extremely rude and hurtful. I then just backed out. Libby wanted to plan the entire thing herself, but wanted someone else to just pay the bill. It was again, rude. Her mother in law ended up throwing it, and Libby tried bossing her around on what she wanted and how she wanted it. Then her mother in law stopped including her, and threw her what she wanted, since she was the one paying for it. I was glad I wasn't involved and will never offer again. 

Sam is our friend who moved away with her husband recently. No one in our friend group likes her husband. He's rude, won't come to any events we invite him to, let's Sam come by herself. When Sam met him, she changed a lot as a person. I barely saw her anymore. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I said okay. Wedding then didnt happen for years. I then barely saw her for those years. Then went to her bridal shower, and felt like a stranger and out of place there. Because I felt like I was attending a shower for a supposed "friend" but someone I didn't even know anymore. Another friend of ours expressed she felt the same way. Sam wanted us to shower her and give her gifts and gush over her as a bride. But barely had seen any of us for years leading up to that. We were supposed to be best friends, but I didn't even recognize her husband, and had never really met him. At this point Sam only lived a 1/2 hour away. 

When my friends and I used to get together years ago. We laughed, we had fun, they put in effort, we were close. We related. We were open and honest with one another. We connected. We could talk about lots of stuff. Do activities. 

I still put in effort and try to stay close like we were. I plan little brunches and get togethers at my home. They used to be fun. Now they arent.

Libby, if I don't ask her to hangout, she never makes any plans with me. We only live a half hour away from each other. But she thinks we're best friends. 

Sam just moved away with her husband, a 10 hour drive. So I never see her now.  The three of us only chat and keep up in a facebook messenger chat. 

The last few years, when we hangout, they don't engage conversation, its boring, bland, lifeless, awkward. All they talk about is weddings and babies or nothing. And I know I'm not alone. Our other friend expressed she feels the same exact way. But they think we are best friends. 

I don't consider that being best friends. My idea of friendship is deeper and more loyalty. 

So back to my original update. 

I posted in the Facebook groups, saying who I am, and that I feel out of place with my friends being single and I expressed honestly my situation and said I was looking for new friends. 

I have received an outpouring of support and likes and messages from women. A lot of them messaging me saying they are in the exact same boat as me with their friends. 

One girl told me she just cut ties with her last old friend, because her friends were like mine, only obsessed with marriage and babies and she felt like me, out of place and hurt being unmarried and not a mother. 

I have had tons of women say they want to be my friend. One girl messaged me and we have a ton in common. We have plans to go grab drinks this week after work. I'm so excited. I am making plans with a few others soon too. 

I can't believe the outpouring of love and support and tons of women my age who are single and not mothers just like me. I feel like I now have the chance to meet people more on my wavelength. I'm really excited about it. 

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

One girl told me she just cut ties with her last old friend, because her friends were like mine, only obsessed with marriage and babies and she felt like me, out of place and hurt being unmarried and not a mother. 

They aren't obeessed, based on what you have said. 

They are simply in a different phase of their lives than you are and talkig about their goings-on,  but you are terribly jealous of them so paint them as "obsessed". You aren't exactly a very good friend either, judging by the nasty things you say about them all over your threads. Sure, let go of the ones who don't make an effort but check yourself before you get upset because simply because they have what you want. 

Part of your problem is your deep bitterness for everyone around you who is happy. That isn't going to help you attract new friends or a partner. 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

They aren't obeessed, based on what you have said. 

They are simply in a different phase of their lives than you are and talkig about their goings-on,  but you are terribly jealous of them so paint them as "obsessed". You aren't exactly a very good friend either, judging by the nasty things you say about them all over your threads. Sure, let go of the ones who don't make an effort but check yourself before you get upset because simply because they have what you want. 

Part of your problem is your deep bitterness for everyone around you who is happy. That isn't going to help you attract new friends or a partner. 

I can attest that they are obsessed. We have another mutual friend, Jeanine, who hangs out with us too. I said nothing about it over the years and Jeanine- who is married, started saying to me privately that she thought they were a bit obsessed, without me saying it. Jeanine is a successful career woman, and is married. She doesn't gush, or talk about her wedding or now husband for hours. Jeanine talks about worldly topics and social things. We chat about our pets and jobs. Just life in general. 

Jeanine expressed to me that she thought they were a bit obsessed and when I agreed, Jeanine was relieved as she thought she was crazy. She said she noticed I didn't say much and would just let them gab. What am I to say? I'm not planning a wedding or picking out dresses. 

Jeanine expressed to me that she started slowly seeing their obsession grow years ago. We used to have fun before that. But then, about 5 years ago, Sam and Libby became obsessed with getting married. We'd be out having cocktails and they'd gush about their engagement timeline, rings they like, when they think their boyfriends will pop the question, wedding venues, even doing funny tests and mythical wise tales to estimate how many babies they'll have. 

Jeanine and I would participate at first just saying, oh we like this and Oh that's nice. But after an hour it gets old. Then after two hours I wasn't interested and was practically daydreaming elsewhere. Jeanine left one of these parties early. It was very obvious she felt annoyed and had to leave. Because she suddenly got up and dashed off saying she forgot some funny thing at her house after a very short time of being with us. 

So I am not the only one who sees this. Jeanine is happily married. But she doesn't gush or flash it at me constantly. I don't have the same sad or weird feelings with her. So I am not unhappy or jealous for happy people. Jeanine is genuine and real. She recently told me she might want to have a baby. I was actually happy for her. She was just honest and not gushy about it. 

Libby, our friend, was the first to have a baby. As soon as she had it, all she talked about was breastfeeding, in depth, way too much information. About feeding, about her breasts, about latching issues, about every detail of her baby and her breasts and nipples. I have absolutely nothing against breastfeeding. But none of us were doing it or knew what it was like. And she'd talk about it every time we'd hangout for a good hour in detail.  And again, I have breasts, I've seen breasts, but Libby just started yanking her breasts out and feeding her baby everywhere. In my yard, with my neighbors in sight, once at a big BBQ at Jeanine's home where men and children were everywhere, at a party at a fancy restaurant in a room filled with people, at restaurants in general, once on the side of the road as cars were passing by. Jeanine was very upset that she did it at her bbq, and she refuses to have another party. She had a lot of male family and friends present and children all running around. It wasn't appropriate. She doesn't try to cover anything. 

It started making Jeanine and I really uncomfortable. I'd always try to be supportive and say- do you want me to get your shawl in your bag to cover up Libby? Libby would say - Oh no, I'm fine. And her bare boobs would be out. I'd feel so awkward and feel the need to look away too. 

I understand that's her phase in life, and she's free to talk about it. But know your audience a bit. I don't want to hear about your nipple rash for an hour. That's obsession. 

[Alex39]

And I'm obsessed with my friends. And I talk about it here. 

I don't feel I fit in. It makes me feel confused, self conscious, bitter, anxious, lost. Sam and Libby just have this comradry. I think they like me. And I do like them. I guess I've just always sought out more in my life and I seek to feel more valued and like I belong more. I feel lost. 

We are living off of a friendship we had the last 10 years. But it's not much of a good deep friendship anymore, at least to me. We are all going different ways. I told Libby recently that I'm sad Sam moved away and we'll never know her kids. She's like- Oh people move all the time and I'm so happy for them. 

That didn't address or acknowledge anything I said. 

Libby is friends with all these people she's known forever. But she hangs onto memories as the crux of the friendship. She even told me that herself. Jeanine and I are the only newer friends she has. But Jeanine and I are living for now. Trying to be friends now. Continue our friendship, not live off of everything that happened 10 years ago. If I was your great friend 15 years ago, but the last 5 years you weren't a really great friend to me, I'd  eventually give up. That's where I'm at right now. 

I seek deeper friendships. I like someone who is going to be honest with me and I them. Someone to trust and laugh with.  Libby and Sam have been friends for like 15 years, but they just make each other feel great all the time. That life is like rainbows and puppies. I'm honest. Years ago I told Sam I thought she deserved way better than a guy she was dating who was treating her like dirt. 

I'm that friend and I want that back. That's deep and real. Jeanine tells me real stuff. 

I miss having good friends. I haven't in a really long time. 

[Kwothe28]

Its something that happens. Very rarely you would find "true friends". I think that research shows that people have 2 or 3 of them at most. Everybody else are "situational" or acquintances. Meaning that they come and go. Structure of my friends changed a lot through elementary school, to high school(I went to a different city close to home), to college, and to now. Lots of things changed in meantime. For example one of my best friend in college married abroad. So we separated a lot. I made an effort to see her 2 years ago when she came to my country, but she doesnt even congratulates my birthday anymore so, eh. People change and so are the circumstances. They get jobs, relocate, marry, have kids etc. And that makes you not hang out as you used to. On the contrast my best friend from high school lives in a town far away. Got married and has kids. But we still hear from each other and see at least once a month. But cases like that are again, very rare.

Anyway, I dont think its a bad idea to find somebody else to hang out. Being that your friends are not really interested in going out and finding somebody(since they already got that covered), it might be a good idea to find somebody who would. 

[MissCanuck]

Alex, all I am saying is that it will come through to people around you that you don't like them much and generally think poorly of them. 

You criticize people to an incredible degree.  You complain an awful lot. You talk down constantly about these women that are you so-called friends. You have numerous threads on this very subject, and your critical attitude extends also to various family members and even your boss at your part-time job. 

That won't be lost on those getting to know you. And it will put them off you. Think about your role in your troubled relationships with people. You can turn things around but not until you are really honest with yourself about your own behaviour. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's good you recognize that you've outgrown your friends. They're busy with their weddings, husbands, babies, whatever. You're interested in single friends, like yourself who want to do stuff single people do. 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

even doing funny tests and mythical wise tales to estimate how many babies they'll have. 

Haven't you been doing this quite a bit too - making up fantasy stuff in your head or repeating tired old negative stereotypes or "hoping" instead of making things happen? Now you are doing more -it seems -the FB group, being more honest with yourself and taking steps to meet new people. I agree though - watch yourself for your penchant to criticize and judge.  

It's not about others "attesting" to whether another person is "obsessed" in a gossipy conversation.  That person might have her own agenda.  If  you're going so far as  to attest you've been in that "BFF" friendship too long.  Just - create distance/walk away as needed before you get to the point of gossiping and "validating" your judgy stuff.  

I would absolutely not focus on women who are single -way too limiting and since you define it as "no boyfriend" you never know when the single person will meet someone.  Instead, form friendships where who cares if status changes as you have wayyyyy more in common whether it's interests/values/culural stuff/ exercise -whatever.. Focus on people you have stuff in common with - like that friend you mentioned who talks about lots of stuff and doesn't simply focus on her marital status.  

I've seen my friends in the advertisting/PR/marketing fields (I am not but am interested in those fields as an outsider!) - market themselves and not in a fake way at all -they use their smarts and  talents in their personal life -including dating.  Just give it some thought.  

I'd shift in the FB group from the heavy complaining stuff to reaching out and finding  more fun/light stuff in common - again JMHO.

[Alex39]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Haven't you been doing this quite a bit too - making up fantasy stuff in your head or repeating tired old negative stereotypes or "hoping" instead of making things happen? Now you are doing more -it seems -the FB group, being more honest with yourself and taking steps to meet new people. I agree though - watch yourself for your penchant to criticize and judge.  

It's not about others "attesting" to whether another person is "obsessed" in a gossipy conversation.  That person might have her own agenda.  If  you're going so far as  to attest you've been in that "BFF" friendship too long.  Just - create distance/walk away as needed before you get to the point of gossiping and "validating" your judgy stuff.  

I would absolutely not focus on women who are single -way too limiting and since you define it as "no boyfriend" you never know when the single person will meet someone.  Instead, form friendships where who cares if status changes as you have wayyyyy more in common whether it's interests/values/culural stuff/ exercise -whatever.. Focus on people you have stuff in common with - like that friend you mentioned who talks about lots of stuff and doesn't simply focus on her marital status.  

I've seen my friends in the advertisting/PR/marketing fields (I am not but am interested in those fields as an outsider!) - market themselves and not in a fake way at all -they use their smarts and  talents in their personal life -including dating.  Just give it some thought.  

I'd shift in the FB group from the heavy complaining stuff to reaching out and finding  more fun/light stuff in common - again JMHO.

I am not just looking for single friends. Some of the women who reached out are married, divorced, mothers. I don't care if they are single, more trying to find people I can forget deeper friendships with and trust. People that want to put effort into friendship and have things in common with me. 

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Alex, all I am saying is that it will come through to people around you that you don't like them much and generally think poorly of them. 

You criticize people to an incredible degree.  You complain an awful lot. You talk down constantly about these women that are you so-called friends. You have numerous threads on this very subject, and your critical attitude extends also to various family members and even your boss at your part-time job. 

That won't be lost on those getting to know you. And it will put them off you. Think about your role in your troubled relationships with people. You can turn things around but not until you are really honest with yourself about your own behaviour. 

 

 

 

I agree and I don't want to be this way. 

I think this stems from a fee things. 1. My diagnoses of OCD. I hyperfixate on things. 

2. My therapist mentioned that she sees that I have hard time saying how I feel, being honest, and setting boundaries. 

When things happen with my friends or my co-workers, boyfriends, or my family that I don't like, I don't address it, say anything, I harbor it and it grows into more and more resentment and then I come vent on here. I was raised to not say anything. And my friends are people who don't say anything either, they lie to each other. So I've grown accustomed to just ignoring my feelings and thoughts. 

And then whennI express them here it sounds like I'm a terrible person. But it's years and years or resentment and feelings I never got out. I am happy for my friends and I put effort into being their friend. Everyone has their opinions on others. 

3. As I've said, my mom is a very judgemental person. She feels things in life should be done a certain way. That you should look, act, and do things the "right" way. It's hard to shake this attitude that been reflected on me forever. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

my mom is a very judgemental person. She feels things in life should be done a certain way. 

And you are carrying on her legacy.

Good news is, you don't have to. You can choose to stop. The next time you find yourself thinking your friends "lie" or are "obsessed" ask yourself where those thoughts are coming from. A place of love, understanding, caring? Or from envy and frustration with your own life?

I also agree to resolve not to turn your new friendships into b*tch fests where you get together and complain. Sure, vent about things that are on your mind but then pivot to something positive. And don't spend your time complaining about or nitpicking your former friends. Your new friends will (rightfully) conclude you'll do the same thing to them when they're not around. And that's not a good look.

I'm glad you've chosen to make some changes. 

[quark]

In the words of RuPaul..

If you can't love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?

I only skimmed the thread, so apologies if I missed something.  I feel like you need to really connect deeper with who you are as a person.  What your interests are, what you like, your spirituality, etc.  Lean into a hobby if you have one.  Having a husband, having kids, having an expensive car, whatever it is that you desire shouldn't define you.  It's normal to want companionship, but I feel like the way you're going about it is sort of like looking for a missing item in your home.  Searching and obsessing and it's nowhere to be found.  Then, the second you're not really thinking about it - bam, there it is.

Remember, comparison is the thief of joy.  And it won't stop.. even if you do get married and have a child, there will always be something your friends have that you don't when you carry on with this mind set.  Easier said than done, I know.  I am 39 years old.  I have grown out of the small amount of friendships that I once had.  I actually can't pinpoint one true friend that I have right now, and I realize that sounds a little depressing but I would rather have valuable relationships than hang on to ones that don't serve me.  I find myself getting jealous over boyfriend's family/friends who are buying new houses and seemingly have money.

Let go of your resentment which I feel is stemming from jealousy.  Work toward being happy with yourself and what you currently have. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 My therapist mentioned that she sees that I have hard time saying how I feel, being honest, and setting boundaries. 

It's good your therapist recognizes this and is helping you. The dishonesty and lying to yourself is often painfully obvious and comes across as strange paradoxical statements about how utterly amazing you are, blended in with self  loathing and victim hood.

[Jaunty]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 

I was hanging out with my mother and talking to her. And she was saying how she doesn't feel my friends even care that much about me anymore, from what I've told her.  Ever since they found guys, they are distant.  But my mom reminded me of some times where my friends really weren't great friends to me and she also reminded me how when we get together it's awkward and they don't put effort in. My mom remembers a lot of stuff I've said. She too, thinks I need new friends. Funny thing, years and years ago, I saw a psychic who told me- you need to get new friends. That- you're friends aren't good friends. 

I didn't listen. I didn't see it until now. 

Alex - I am sorry, but I just have to say that your mother (or anyone else, here or elsewhere)  is NOT HELPING YOU by encouraging you to see yourself as a victim and as somehow superior and a "BETTER FRIEND" than the other women in your life.

And here you go ... I am not going to quote the examples, but a long diatribe about how wonderfully you've behaved only to be treated badly by your crappy "friends."  You go on and on detailing how horrid they are and how virtuous and wonderful you are.  Just like you have in many many threads before. 

This tendency is a big problem for you and a huge thing that is standing in the way of you having a successful love relationship.   A romantic relationship is really not all that different from a friendship; they have many of the same elements.  

I believe that you won't be having a successful romantic relationship until you squelch this tendency.  If people are not good friends, then simply spend your time with people who ARE good friends.   If nobody is a good friend ... what is the common denominator?

YOU.

You consistently come off as bitter, judgmental, and full of self pity.

Please, please, please stop this.

Okay, on to the positive:

 

 

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

So back to my original update. 

I posted in the Facebook groups, saying who I am, and that I feel out of place with my friends being single and I expressed honestly my situation and said I was looking for new friends. 

I have received an outpouring of support and likes and messages from women. A lot of them messaging me saying they are in the exact same boat as me with their friends. 

One girl told me she just cut ties with her last old friend, because her friends were like mine, only obsessed with marriage and babies and she felt like me, out of place and hurt being unmarried and not a mother. 

I have had tons of women say they want to be my friend. One girl messaged me and we have a ton in common. We have plans to go grab drinks this week after work. I'm so excited. I am making plans with a few others soon too. 

I can't believe the outpouring of love and support and tons of women my age who are single and not mothers just like me. I feel like I now have the chance to meet people more on my wavelength. I'm really excited about it. 

This is all GREAT.  This is what people (not your mother though) are generally talking about when they advise you to develop new friendships.   Finding people with whom you can share interests and good times that are more in line with what your own life is about these days - which is not weddings and babies. 

Have a really good time and please, please, please guard against your tendency to get judgey and aggrieved.  Just look for the good you can find and ENJOY IT.  

Good for you for reaching out.

[catfeeder]

So glad to hear that you’re engaging with new people and seeking new friendships. Part of maturity is learning how to cultivate different relationships to meet different needs. Not every new friend will become intimate, but that’s no reason to pass on them when you can intersect on an area of interest and enjoy the limits of the friend to just focus there. Keep expanding your reach to new people, and you’ll learn over time that some people will surprise you at some point. You may enjoy them at arm’s length for a long time, or they may be a secondary friend you only see through someone else, and then one day out of the blue, a connection happens that you never expected.

Same can happen with old friendships you’ve outgrown but keep loosely. You may believe that they are permanently broken from the shared focus you once enjoyed, but divergences are natural. We can’t remain locked in our parallel lanes. Growth happens. Priorities are dynamic. You may notice that friends who are knee deep in diapers now, with no other focus and nothing in common with you anymore, somehow emerge from that as sentimental about how important you were to them during stages of life prior to all that. They may not only start courting you again, they may demonstrate a commitment to making up for having taken you for granted.

This is why it’s important not to vilify people in order to shift your focus beyond them. I’ve seen people do this on jobs after giving notice (or in order to give notice) and they make themselves unnecessarily miserable. On the flip side, I’ve seen people celebrate their liberation with joy and increased bonding with more people on the job so they can take contacts and good memories with them into the future.

I vote joyful. No badmouthing, no vilifying, no need to believe that you won’t ever enjoy new and improved chapters with any of the characters from your past. This mentality will serve as fertile ground for the seeds you plant with new people going forward.

Go, you! I’m excited for you!