Just having a really hard time

[Alex39]

I want to discover myself too. I don't fully know who I am or what I like. I easily adapt to others around me. Easily adapt to men I date, accept things I end up not liking. It takes me a while to analyze things. 

I used to be so sure of myself, confident, years and years ago, but over time my life changed a lot and quickly, and I felt I couldn't keep up with the changes. I was purely surviving, but not embracing the changes or understanding my life. 

I know some things I like, but I find I'm easily moldable. Which isn't how it should be. 

[catfeeder]

36 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want to discover myself too. I don't fully know who I am or what I like. I easily adapt to others around me. Easily adapt to men I date, accept things I end up not liking. It takes me a while to analyze things. 

I used to be so sure of myself, confident, years and years ago, but over time my life changed a lot and quickly, and I felt I couldn't keep up with the changes. I was purely surviving, but not embracing the changes or understanding my life. 

I know some things I like, but I find I'm easily moldable. Which isn't how it should be. 

Yep, far easier to stay attached to habits than to forge new pathways. I like that term, because with every tiny step I take to break away from a deep groove, I think of new synapses happening and picture new pathways forming in my brain. I even try taking different routes to places where I drive or walk frequently. A smooth brain is not our friend.

Consider taking trips to different town centers and exploring boutiques and consignment shops. The owners are often on site and like to speak about their towns. Learn about the events coming up and don’t decide ahead of time what you imagine those will offer. Farmers markets often double as art and craft shows and tasting events, same with amusement fairs, and just about any kind of event can be the kind of festival that can inspire you to learn about a particular hobby or cause.

People love to talk about themselves, their interests, where they live, where they travel. Standing to drink an iced tea or eat a pretzel can lead to fun chats, as opposed to going off to sit at a table alone. I love to bathe in the happy vibes of town events that are not present at overcrowded city events. Those are the ones I enjoy with friends.

Also, consider creating a calendar of walk/run events. You can start those alone and make plenty of quick gab-mates along the way. These all lead to some kind of festive ending, which you can enjoy sharing with all the people you met during your travels.

[boltnrun]

Just about everywhere I go I talk to SOMEONE about SOMETHING. Even if it's just to say "That po'boy looks amazing. Which booth did you get it at?" I asked a lady at a car show how much her equipment cost. I talked to a group of women at NFL training camp when they complimented me on my team jersey. If I was at a bar alone I at least talked to the bartender. And I usually talked to the people sitting nearby.

There are ways to break out of your self imposed shell but you have to be willing to be at least a bit uncomfortable. 

[LootieTootie]

Alex I am going to skim thru all the not so good stuff because I am so friggin happy that you are going to go hang out with NEW people! Bout time you find new friends and hang out with new friends. I'm hoping that you make some lasting friends that will be kind to you and elevate you.

 

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep, far easier to stay attached to habits than to forge new pathways. I like that term, because with every tiny step I take to break away from a deep groove, I think of new synapses happening and picture new pathways forming in my brain. I even try taking different routes to places where I drive or walk frequently. A smooth brain is not our friend.

Consider taking trips to different town centers and exploring boutiques and consignment shops. The owners are often on site and like to speak about their towns. Learn about the events coming up and don’t decide ahead of time what you imagine those will offer. Farmers markets often double as art and craft shows and tasting events, same with amusement fairs, and just about any kind of event can be the kind of festival that can inspire you to learn about a particular hobby or cause.

People love to talk about themselves, their interests, where they live, where they travel. Standing to drink an iced tea or eat a pretzel can lead to fun chats, as opposed to going off to sit at a table alone. I love to bathe in the happy vibes of town events that are not present at overcrowded city events. Those are the ones I enjoy with friends.

Also, consider creating a calendar of walk/run events. You can start those alone and make plenty of quick gab-mates along the way. These all lead to some kind of festive ending, which you can enjoy sharing with all the people you met during your travels.

Yeah, I think sometimes I may over talk or over share. I'm very lonely and often never have anyone to talk to, so when I do I gab. I notice my friends don't share as much with me as I do with the.  That's been hurtful for me. 

[Alex39]

9 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Alex I am going to skim thru all the not so good stuff because I am so friggin happy that you are going to go hang out with NEW people! Bout time you find new friends and hang out with new friends. I'm hoping that you make some lasting friends that will be kind to you and elevate you.

 

Thank you, I am excited. I truly do feel like I've wasted years hanging around with half-dead friendships and people who don't fill my cup, when I'm willing to fill theirs. I genuinely feel bad for wasting time, but I was scared and unsure on what to do. I remember even feeling uncomfortable saying I have these friends to others, because  I don't feel we act that close. I remember my ex-boyfriend saying how I should go to a concert with my friends. It was a girly artist that he didnt want to see. And me saying to him how my friends wouldn't go. He had a weird confused look on his face and he didn't understand it. As his guy friends did lots with him. 

But deep down, I know what great friendship is and what I know good friendship can be for me. I think now is my time to find it. And I deserve it. I think if I fill my live with new people, more people like me, fresh people, new conversation, my natural bitterness will go away, and I will find happiness. 

[LootieTootie]

Thing about friends is that its like dating ... its really hard to come by someone you just instantly click with. So, be ready that not every "first date" with a potentially good friend is going to hit it off. You will need to keep hanging out with them and really tap in to your positive Alex side that is sweet, upbeat, thoughtful and open-minded. 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Yeah, I think sometimes I may over talk or over share. I'm very lonely and often never have anyone to talk to, so when I do I gab. I notice my friends don't share as much with me as I do with the.  That's been hurtful for me. 

That's not 'hurtful,' it's a constructive pointer to a skill you can learn--how to balance conversations with listening and responding instead of reacting with giant blurts that overwhelm people.

Over-sharing is what you pay a therapist for, yes? Regular conversations aren't therapy, and regular people aren't therapists. It's not 'hurtful' to learn that, it's practical and will serve you well.

Head high, you can do this.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

It was a girly artist that he didnt want to see. And me saying to him how my friends wouldn't go. He had a weird confused look on his face and he didn't understand it. As his guy friends did lots with him. 

Please don't read into nonsense like that.  The closeness of a bond has nothing to do with whether a friend is willing to do a particular activity.  It's whether they show up for  you, laugh with you, comisserate with you, cheer you on and vice versa. 

Honestly I hate those memes on FB that say "my door is always open/there's always a pot of tea or coffee if you need a friend."  My door is shut.  Tight.  To people who would want to just drop by and have coffee. With rare exception even if they need to "talk" - I said no during covid to a needy lonely woman who refused to meet me for coffee outside when I offered and begged me to come and just hang out at my house (she'd never been) even if I had to work/do housework.  I said no.  It was pandemic time, we were all teleworking/virtual school in a small apartment.  She was lonely. We were friends and I felt badly  but -no.  I offered to show up in another way.

So should she bemoan how she doesn't have close friends because all she wanted was to hang out at someone's home all day to have something to do (like Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club -watch that movie for its analysis of friendships and what "popularity" really means). Your ex boyfriend had a bunch of guy friends and please don't tell me they were all super close in any meaningful way.  Let him judge -good deal that he's an ex -obviously he didn't show up for you.

But if you want to talk and I possibly can I'm there by phone -if you can make a plan in advance maybe we can even meet in a couple hours - and if it's a true emergency then yes I'm there.  Most adults have busy lives whether they have a partner or kids or not.  And they still show up for their friends if they value friendship and/or  those particular loved ones.  But not according to some Swiftie formula.  It might look different but you know when someone has shown up for you and showing up for a girlie concert can be showing up or it can be just ..... convenient.

I echo everyone else - good for you with all these plans and changes and showing up.... for you!!!

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

But deep down, I know what great friendship is and what I know good friendship can be for me. I think now is my time to find it. And I deserve it.

I take exception to the idea that we humans "deserve" things like friends who "fill our cup."  Not even sure about whether we  (even little children)"deserve" to have food, care, clothing, doctors.  Many do not have them. 

We certainly do not deserve abuse or terrible luck, but it happens millions of times every day. To innocents.  

Deep fulfilling relationships of any kind - and even "fun" - are truly gifts and they also require both people to be engaged in meaningful ways, and to put themselves aside many many times.  Cups are not being filled, often.

I would abandon the idea about all the things you "deserve."  It comes off as entitled.

So far you haven't given any examples of you, yourself, understanding how friendship actually works.  You give plenty of examples of how you do a lot of party planning or chatting about bridal gowns etc and you don't feel that is reciprocated.  We know your low opinions of dozens of other women in your life. mostly relative to how great you think you have behaved (with regards to "girls' trips" or what somebody ate or did not eat).  Ok.  That is not deep friendship.

 

15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think if I fill my live with new people, more people like me, fresh people, new conversation, my natural bitterness will go away, and I will find happiness. 

Unfortunately, your bitterness will not "go away" because some fresh people show up in your life and you have more fun.   Bitterness and unhappiness are not magically erased by other people.  They are things that have taken hold within us or not.  

It's absolutely stellar that you are reaching out for different types of friendships and I am very excited for you in that pursuit.   Your personal issues, though, like bitterness, jealousy, unhappiness etc. are not going to be resolved by other people, whether friends or romantic partners.  It's an unrealistic and unfair expectation to place on those relationships.  You will be disappointed and the bitterness / unhappiness cycle will continue.

[boltnrun]

I agree that bitterness and jealousy are not erased by meeting new people. I DO believe that having positive people in your life is helpful and creates a more fulfilling life. 

I would caution you (as I have before) to not bring negativity into these new friendships. Remember, being a good friend isn't about doing things FOR people and then resenting when they don't reciprocate in the way you hoped. It's about being fully present whether it's a simple coffee meetup or listening when they're going through good and bad times or laughing your way through a "girls trip". Being encouraging when it's appropriate and being supportive when the situation calls for it without keeping a scorecard.

Also, remember people will likely not do things "your" way. And that's OK. 

[Alex39]

55 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree that bitterness and jealousy are not erased by meeting new people. I DO believe that having positive people in your life is helpful and creates a more fulfilling life. 

I would caution you (as I have before) to not bring negativity into these new friendships. Remember, being a good friend isn't about doing things FOR people and then resenting when they don't reciprocate in the way you hoped. It's about being fully present whether it's a simple coffee meetup or listening when they're going through good and bad times or laughing your way through a "girls trip". Being encouraging when it's appropriate and being supportive when the situation calls for it without keeping a scorecard.

Also, remember people will likely not do things "your" way. And that's OK. 

I view a good friendship as a few things:

A person you trust, reliable, there when you need them

A person that values you and your honesty, has your best interest at heart and wants the best for you

A person who gives to you as being kind because they are your friend

A person wwho gives time and effort to you 

A person who you can have fun with, cry with during sad times, keep up with each other's lives, and do activities with occasionally 

 

What I find happened over time with my friends. We used to talk and share everything. Now they don't really share, because they have their husband's. But I'm single, so I still regularly share. I'm always alone and have no one to talk to. So I still share a lot of my life with them. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Alex39 said:

I view a good friendship as a few things:

A person you trust, reliable, there when you need them

A person that values you and your honesty, has your best interest at heart and wants the best for you

A person who gives to you as being kind because they are your friend

A person wwho gives time and effort to you 

A person who you can have fun with, cry with during sad times, keep up with each other's lives, and do activities with occasionally 

 

Do you really believe a good friend has to be "there when you need them?" -like drop everything because you need to vent, need a shoulder to cry on? Like if they're at work or talking with their spouse or leaving to pick up their child from school or a playdate? At 1am because you need a friend? Figure out the boundaries there so you don't build resentment, IMO.

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Do you really believe a good friend has to be "there when you need them?" -like drop everything because you need to vent, need a shoulder to cry on? Like if they're at work or talking with their spouse or leaving to pick up their child from school or a playdate? At 1am because you need a friend? Figure out the boundaries there so you don't build resentment, IMO.

I think a good friend is there when you need them. I wouldn't expect someone to leave work for me. But I had a friend. Her mother died. After work, I immediately ran out shopping, put together a big fruit basket and delivered it to her house and checked up on her to see how she was. She really appreciated it. 

Years and years ago, I went through a horrible breakup. Sam and Libby came to my house on the weekend and brought ice cream and cheesy movies to cheer me up. I'm still into doing that stuff, but Sam and Libby slowly stopped doing it. I look at the show Sex and the City, 4 best friends who are always there for one another. They are married and have boyfriends and even babies, but they are still best friends. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I view a good friendship as a few things:

A person you trust, reliable, there when you need them

A person that values you and your honesty, has your best interest at heart and wants the best for you

A person who gives to you as being kind because they are your friend

A person wwho gives time and effort to you 

A person who you can have fun with, cry with during sad times, keep up with each other's lives, and do activities with occasionally 

 

What I find happened over time with my friends. We used to talk and share everything. Now they don't really share, because they have their husband's. But I'm single, so I still regularly share. I'm always alone and have no one to talk to. So I still share a lot of my life with them. 

These are things you expect from a friend. What would you list as what a friend should expect from you? Is it the same list?

I would also add a true friend is supportive rather than judgmental just because the other person made different choices. And a good friend is genuinely happy when the other person succeeds or accomplishes something or reaches a life milestone rather than being jealous or resentful or viewing their accomplishments as something they're "slapping her in the face" with. 

I had who I thought was a good friend but she stopped speaking to me when I got a boyfriend. Just shut me down cold. No, I did not abandon her and I wasn't planning to stop spending time with her just because I had a boyfriend.  And I didn't babble on and on about him. In fact, I seldom mentioned him. But she viewed me getting a boyfriend as a betrayal. It was completely unnecessary. 

[Alex39]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you really believe a good friend has to be "there when you need them?" -like drop everything because you need to vent, need a shoulder to cry on? Like if they're at work or talking with their spouse or leaving to pick up their child from school or a playdate? At 1am because you need a friend? Figure out the boundaries there so you don't build resentment, IMO.

You are creating extreme examples here. None of which I expressed I expected. These are unrealistic and you are painting me to be some crazy needy person. 

I would not expect someone to leave work for me. Or not pick up their child. That's ridiculous. And I wouldn't expect someone to pick up the phone at 1am. 

But someone I could trust, that maybe they can pick up my mail while I'm on a trip away and water my plants, because I trust them to be in my home. 

Someone who would grab dinner with me after a breakup to cheer me up.

Someone that would just check up on me every so often and ask how I am. 

Someone who would pick me up if I got a flat and they were free. 

Someone who comes over to drink tea and talk occasionally.  

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think a good friend is there when you need them. I wouldn't expect someone to leave work for me. But I had a friend. Her mother died. After work, I immediately ran out shopping, put together a big fruit basket and delivered it to her house and checked up on her to see how she was. She really appreciated it. 

Years and years ago, I went through a horrible breakup. Sam and Libby came to my house on the weekend and brought ice cream and cheesy movies to cheer me up. I'm still into doing that stuff, but Sam and Libby slowly stopped doing it. I look at the show Sex and the City, 4 best friends who are always there for one another. They are married and have boyfriends and even babies, but they are still best friends. 

OK thanks -just your first description was so broad and I don't think given how you wrote it that my examples were extreme at all..  And if you recall in SATC, Miranda was the only one with a super intense job and she often had to work instead of meeting up with her friends.  I have certainly dropped all for friends going through something major like heaven forbid a death in the family.  

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

These are things you expect from a friend. What would you list as what a friend should expect from you? Is it the same list?

I would also add a true friend is supportive rather than judgmental just because the other person made different choices. And a good friend is genuinely happy when the other person succeeds or accomplishes something or reaches a life milestone rather than being jealous or resentful or viewing their accomplishments as something they're "slapping her in the face" with. 

I had who I thought was a good friend but she stopped speaking to me when I got a boyfriend. Just shut me down cold. No, I did not abandon her and I wasn't planning to stop spending time with her just because I had a boyfriend.  And I didn't babble on and on about him. In fact, I seldom mentioned him. But she viewed me getting a boyfriend as a betrayal. It was completely unnecessary. 

I haven't disowned my friends for having boyfriends or getting married. 

I still talk to them and consider them friends. 

It can be hard emotionally to listen to constant husband, wedding, baby talk because I don't have that in my life. You didn't talk a lot about it to your friend. My friends talk about it a ton. 

Years ago, my friend was dating a guy who was super bad for her and she was letting him treat her less than she deserved. I told her so. That to me, is a good friend. I had her best interest at heart, not mine, hers. She is a great, hardworking person, and I hated seeing her get used. 

She became very secretive after that, to not just me, but all our friends, because she tried hiding that her relationship was bad. She changed a lot, started lying a lot to cover it up. 

She is now married to that guy. And is still super secretive about her husband. Many of our friends also see this. I am happy if she is happy and safe. All I know is that she is. So I am happy for my friends. 

I am happy for my friends, sad for myself. They are separate. My feelings are separate. I mourn being alone, not feeling attractive or worthy of love and companionship. Confused how my friends found the "one" and I haven't yet. Trying to figure out my life.  But very happy when they tell me something good in there life. 

My friend was pregnant a year ago. I checked in with her everyday, she was so excited to tell me updates, and we really bonded over her pregnancy.  I was her biggest cheerleader. Now that she's had the baby, I shower it with gifts and attention. But I can't really relate to breastfeeding talk and motherhood. Doesn't mean I'm not happy for her. I love the baby. I just feel sad for me, as I feel left out and lame. 

[Batya33]

Also, 

I don't think you are a crazy needy person. I think you tend to judge your friends harshly so when you wrote that I wondered, given your penchant for doing that, what your standards and expectations were when you wrote that. Also it's reciprocal. 

It sounds like you would be a friend who would do favors as you listed - and I'd just be careful about expecting those favors because the person is your friend - there are people who are good friends and would never dream about asking a friend to water their plants etc unless it was more of a barter thing or really easy to do - I know of many people who hire people to house sit/pet sit/take care of those sorts of tasks while they are away or perhaps ask a parent or sibling, not a friend for such a favor (I would, I have - but just inquiring into your expectations).

[Alex39]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK thanks -just your first description was so broad and I don't think given how you wrote it that my examples were extreme at all..  And if you recall in SATC, Miranda was the only one with a super intense job and she often had to work instead of meeting up with her friends.  I have certainly dropped all for friends going through something major like heaven forbid a death in the family.  

Not entirely true- Miranda was a lawyer, Samantha was a big time PR agent, and Charlotte was an art exhibit curator. All busy and high level jobs. I would say the only flexible one was Carrie. 

My one friend works remotely at home, and my other friend only works part-time and has a baby. I work the most. Even recently one of my bosses told me how I work so much. I have two jobs. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Years ago, my friend was dating a guy who was super bad for her and she was letting him treat her less than she deserved. I told her so. That to me, is a good friend. I had her best interest at heart, not mine, hers. She is a great, hardworking person, and I hated seeing her get used. 

Did she ask for your input? Was she being physically or emotionally abused?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Not entirely true- Miranda was a lawyer, Samantha was a big time PR agent, and Charlotte was an art exhibit curator. All busy and high level jobs. I would say the only flexible one was Carrie. 

My one friend works remotely at home, and my other friend only works part-time and has a baby. I work the most. Even recently one of my bosses told me how I work so much. I have two jobs. 

Charlotte worked 9 to 5 type hours at the gallery then quit when she got married.  What I mean is TV isn't real life and I loved SATC for so many reasons but it's no real life.

[Alex39]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Did she ask for your input? Was she being physically or emotionally abused?

She was in a friends with benefits relationship and wanted to be in a romantic long-term relationship. She was telling us all this bad information about him. His terrible finances and credit, how he was hiding her from his family, how he kept losing jobs, and he has an addiction to Marijuana with raging mental health issues. He was a train wreck and I told my friend how she deserved an amazing guy who was willing to commit to her and not string her along while he saw other women on the side. He did eventually commit to her. But then there was cheating allegations after they were together. Evidence of him dating others on his phone. She bought her own engagement ring. She married him. He's been unemployed since their marriage 4 years ago. She bought their house, pays for everything, and she did come crying to us once that he was verbally abusive and didn't help her at all with the house chores etc. So yes, I was concerned about my friend. 

[boltnrun]

You do seem excessively focused on what you do for your friends and how they don't reciprocate. It's not necessary to go overboard spending money on gifts and flowers and baking cakes, etc. I get that's how you think friendship operates but I can tell you my friends and I seldom buy things for one another or for each other's kids. On birthdays there are gifts within reason. I bought a couple of books for one good friend because she likes to read, for example. I didn't buy her five books and five bookmarks and two boxes of candy and flowers and a box of cupcakes. And I don't host expensive brunches for get togethers. We just get together at a restaurant or bar and go Dutch. 

So I would advise you to dial all that back for your new friends. You don't need to "buy" friends or prove what an awesome friend you are. Just be present and be you. 

[Wiseman2]

Even with your new single friends group, you seem to be back at square one expecting others to make you happy and comfort your chronic depression.