Just having a really hard time

[Alex39]

I'm just having a really hard time and I just need someone to talk to. 

My friend told me today that she's expecting a baby. Immediately my heart broke inside. I gave her tons of verbal support and well wishes, but I proceeded to sob. 

I'm the only person, friend that I know, without children, no prospects of children, no husband. My heart just broke. Everyone is moving ahead in life and I'm the sad lonely spinster friend. 

My friends are already gushing together now about their babies and motherhood and raising their kids together. It's like slap, slap, slap, slap, slap to my face. I can't relate. I can't agree. I can't understand. I can't be involved. I'll never be able to raise my babies with my friends. I feel so left out and I just don't understand why this is my life. 

I dress up everyday at work nicely and smile at every guy at the grocery store. Nothing. I went online. I matched with tons and tons of guys. Half didn't make conversation with me, half ghosted me, I went out with a few who were horrible in-person. I swiped so many people that the app actually had no more people available to swipe on. I went through every single guy. 

I pray to God to lead me to a good man. 

I've been going to the gym, eating right, and I am a good person. I have a big heart. I have love to give.  Why can't I meet a good guy?

I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. 

I work two jobs, I keep busy, I have a home. I try to be Miss. Responsible and put together. 

I've been crying off and on ever since my friend told me her news. Because my friends have what I want in life. I'm not mad at them or jealous. I was super happy for my friend. I just am sad for myself and I feel left behind. 

I just turned 32. By the time I meet someone, we date for years, get married, I'll be lucky to have one kid. I'll be 40. 

I want a nice husband, partner, and good man in my life and I want a family of my own. I'm afraid I'll be alone forever. 

I don't ever know what to do at this point. I don't even know how I'd meet someone. I do try and I do out myself put there. I'm really really hurting right now. I've been single for a long long long time. A few small stints with guys here and there, but never a good long lasting relationship. 

[Capricorn3]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down and hurting, and I hope this doesn't come across as ridiculous, as I don't mean to be but, have you ever considered adoption?  Would you be prepared to raise a child on your own?  I know several women who have done this - they never found the right partner but wanted children, so they adopted a baby.  I know it's not for everyone.

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down and hurting, and I hope this doesn't come across as ridiculous, as I don't mean to be but, have you ever considered adoption?  Would you be prepared to raise a child on your own?  I know several women who have done this - they never found the right partner but wanted children, so they adopted a baby.  I know it's not for everyone.

I want a partner and to find love. I don't want to do it alone. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'll never be able to raise my babies with my friends

Please take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. You seem to keep avoiding taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

It's not important to be in lockstep with your friends. (Or your family, for that matter). It's understandable that you're upset that these goals you have seem to elude you. Please take care of yourself and try to appreciate what you have and have accomplished rather than all the things your friends have.

[Capricorn3]

Just now, Alex39 said:

I want a partner and to find love. I don't want to do it alone. 

I understand. It's not for everyone.

That said, I agree with Wiseman above - please take care of yourself. You do sound depressed in general.  Have you been to a doctor of any kind? Perhaps anti-depressants will help you in general. Also look into therapy/counseling?

[Alex39]

I feel like I have everything I want in life. A great job, a home, family, friends, and I appreciate all that I have. I literally surround myself with it. It's all I have. I love it and cherish it. The only thing missing is a guy and growing my own family. It's the only thing I seek or need or want. 

[Alex39]

I feel like I'm being punished, that why does my heart have to hurt like this. To be so alone and want to love and be loved. 

[Alex39]

I just saw a statistic that after 31 or 32, womens likelihood of meeting a guy and getting married drops to like 20%. That's depressing. 

[Capricorn3]

Just now, Alex39 said:

I feel like I'm being punished, that why does my heart have to hurt like this. To be so alone and want to love and be loved. 

I'm so sorry you're hurting. 🙁 Sending you ((((cyber hugs)))).  I hope you feel better soon.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I've been going to the gym, eating right, and I am a good person. I have a big heart. I have love to give.  Why can't I meet a good guy?

 

Because partners are not gived based on our arbitrary opinions of ourselves. But mosly based on how others see us. For example, you mentioned gym and eating right but think you also mentioned before that you were over 100kg(220 pounds in silly American units). That is a severe disadvantage to a woman by itself. And sorry, but not something that is marketable as "attractive". 

You have to understand that most of that stuff you are doing for yourself. For your health, for you to feel attractive, to be a good person by your moral standards etc. That doesnt always translates in attracting others. Because, as Ive said, that doesnt mean you are presentable in a good way and that you will attract the right man. Dating is more about marketing then about anything else. Sort of "selling yourself" to others. Others cant really see all that stuff you tell us. You have to "market yourself" in order for them to do that.

Also, I am sorry to be a bearer of bad news, but being jelly of your friends isnt really a good property. You can be happy that your friend is pregnant without sobbing how you havent found anyone and settled down. You are still fairly young. There is still decent time to do it.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I feel like I have everything I want in life. A great job, a home, family, friends, and I appreciate all that I have. I literally surround myself with it. It's all I have. I love it and cherish it. The only thing missing is a guy and growing my own family. It's the only thing I seek or need or want. 

These friends might have older kids and there's no hard and fast rule you need Mom Friends let alone moms with kids the same age (and that can be quite annoying with all the ridiculous comparisons about milestones). I ended up being pregnant at the same time-ish with around 4-5 friends (one was more my husband's friend) - one was my age (early 40s), the rest in their 30s.  One was a single mom by choice pregnant with her 3rd by the same sperm donor. 

The most valuable friends who were in my "village" were not moms of kids my age - I mean it was nice to compare notes with my knocked up buddies but you know in one case I spent a dinner being glared and rolled eyes at by my husband's friend who ordered a glass of wine (she was due a few months before me) while I asked the waiter if all the alcohol was cooked out of a certain sauce lol. 

Later I felt so embarrassed telling my friend who came over with her 4 month old that I wasn't sure how to get my 3 week old into the car seat/stroller so we could take our babies for a walk lol. 

My friends and family who were my village were people who cared about me, who knew I was going through major life changes -newlywed, new mom, recovering from a postpartum stroke/unable to nurse - and showed up in caring and thoughtful ways. 

The moms of babies were lovely too don't get me wrong - I joined one of those mommy and me groups a couple of times -but please stop with this script of how it must be 

And guess what -during covid all those mom friends pregnant at the same time had to drastically redo their "birth plans" and couldn't do in person stuff for the most part and I'm sure found support from many sources other than other Mom Friends.  People with "prospects" of being parents won't necessarily become parents or parents with their current partners -and on and on.

You do this a lot OP -you write this "shoulds" script which includes the should of home ownership, the shoulds of having a home look a certain way -where is room for taking the long way around -for thinking outside the box? And -gasp - you might have one child, or twins, or zero or have twins by surrogacy - we don't know -there are no guarantees but the Shoulds will keep you in your lovely decorated fortress of a home -imprisoned -is your hair long enough like Rapunzel so Prince Charming can come rescue you?

My teen was lent a keyboard by his prince of a music teacher at school. We have room for it wedged in between the foot of his bed and the wall. He sits on his bed to play.  He makes beautiful music and is so into it (his first year of piano!) - it reverberates throughout our apartment. His pride does too and his focus. It's awesome.

Our small, mismatched apartment lined with many framed family photos, artwork by my dear friend and our cousin, and -wow -scribbles of crayon in random places from a dozen years ago. Hopelessly cluttered.  And hopefully full of love -everywhere you turn you see a family photo only two taken professionally (son's preschool photo and a national news reporter who photographed him). 

I can't entertain here. I can entertain in my building's common areas and pool. I don't care.  My son said he overheard my husband and I laughing at a rerun of Frasier the other night and it made him happy.  He loves all the cozy throw blankets we have.  And how we are always stocked with his favorite pudding cups - store bought cause that's how I roll. 

Especially at your age OP the Shoulds will imprison you, sabotage you - give you that frozen permanent scowl even as you brag about your home ownership and home.  And tell yourself how "positive" you are.

I'd stop interacting with your pregnant friends - stop forcing yourself to be so happy for them -be a friend - if they need something just like if they had a bad cold or disability - get it for them -offer to help them find someone to clean the litter box while they're pregnant, go out for lunch at a place where they don't just serve raw cheeses. 

And if they're all blah blah blah about Babies limit the outing.  Be busy for the baby shower. I rarely spoke about my baby plans or bump when I went out with my friends -cause I'm a normal person who already knows about herself so I prefer to hear my friends' stories.  I appreciated when they inquired after my health or wanted to know some details but babies are kinda boring -super exciting to the mom but -basically boring to almost everyone else.

Get over yourself, get over the shoulds, OK? I'm living proof that despite no guarantees if you go for it with your whole heart and soul and brain you can take the long way around and it can work out. Also I couldn't freeze my eggs when I asked my doctor 25 years ago. You can - can you save up and do that -perhaps cut corners on your interior decorating pursuits?

[boltnrun]

When you say you're swiping on every single guy on the dating app, that shows you aren't concerned with finding the right man, just ANY man. Some man...if he has a pulse you'll take him. That's how you end up with guys like the last one, who are clearly incompatible but he had a pulse, so...

What in-person things are you doing to try to meet nice men? 

And I agree, you come across as depressed. Can you see your doctor and tell them how you're feeling?

I'm truly sorry you're feeling down. 

[Alex39]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When you say you're swiping on every single guy on the dating app, that shows you aren't concerned with finding the right man, just ANY man. Some man...if he has a pulse you'll take him. That's how you end up with guys like the last one, who are clearly incompatible but he had a pulse, so...

What in-person things are you doing to try to meet nice men? 

And I agree, you come across as depressed. Can you see your doctor and tell them how you're feeling?

I'm truly sorry you're feeling down. 

I will clarify. I wasn't swiping yes to every man. I was actually much more picky this time around. 

I swiped through,  yes or no to every guy on there. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I just saw a statistic that after 31 or 32, womens likelihood of meeting a guy and getting married drops to like 20%. That's depressing. 

I know of a statistic that giving up on meeting a romantic partner results in a 0% chance of potentially finding a romantic partner.  

Also I really do hope you feel better! Post v-day plus baby news is hard.  Been there.

[Seraphim]

I would stop looking at statistics. They don’t serve you . People aren’t statistics. You are someone with free will. 
 

I agree with the others you need treatment for depression. Please see your doctor. 

[Shycarrot]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. 

I don't know if I can be of any help, but have you thought of freezing your eggs ? That could reduce your mental load ? 

Also, please take care of yourself ! 

And even if it's hard to believe, being single has nothing to do with your worth.

There's "nothing" wrong with you or other single people

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What in-person things are you doing to try to meet nice men? 

Also agree with talking to your doctor. Feeling depressed will decrease your motivation to get out and do things that will put you in contact with eligible single men. Swiping on your phone doesn't do that, as you've found. 

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I am so sorry for what you are going through. 

I don't know if I can be of any help, but have you thought of freezing your eggs ? That could reduce your mental load ? 

Also, please take care of yourself ! 

And even if it's hard to believe, being single has nothing to do with your worth.

There's "nothing" wrong with you or other single people

I strongly believe there is a great deal right with people who choose not to settle just to be “not single “ and people who choose to respect their own limits and be a good friend to those who seem to be getting stuff easily that you really want - honor your jealous feelings and if you can’t be at every gender reveal or shower or sprinkle party or event that’s totally right too. 

[Seraphim]

I will say though it is very difficult to not have something you really desire. I was only ever able to have one child and 4 miscarriages. I wanted another child more than anything. We even went the adoption route but my husband scuttled that a WEEK before were to get our child. It almost caused a divorce. I struggled a lot pining for another child for decades. Eventually I was able to accept reality . My body was never meant to have children and was damaged from a very young age.( my OB said I had extensive fibroids from my teenage years) The fact I had one live child was a miracle according to two doctors. 
 

In the end I bent to my reality. ( not that it is yours) I have been post menopausal for a decade so ANY possibility was gone long ago. 

[Alex39]

I was positive for years. I stayed upbeat, positive. I went on lots and lots of dates for years and was hopeful. So it is a bit hard to stay positive and not be depressed when you were all for it for years and it still didn't work out. 

[boltnrun]

You're so young. It's not even close to being over for you.

I know you said you needed to adjust your dating prospects search efforts. What have you done differently recently?

You never respond when I ask if you're doing anything other than swiping on your phone. How many times per month on average do you go to events or participate in activities where there are likely to be single, eligible and decent men?

[Alex39]

Just now, boltnrun said:

You're so young. It's not even close to being over for you.

I know you said you needed to adjust your dating prospects search efforts. What have you done differently recently?

You never respond when I ask if you're doing anything other than swiping on your phone. How many times per month on average do you go to events or participate in activities where there are likely to be single, eligible and decent men?

I don't know what events to go to. I have been dressing up nicer more often, smiling at guys at the grocery store, trying to be more outgoing at my two jobs, hoping to catch someone's eye. I don't know how to find places to go with eligible single guys. Everyone seems in couples already. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't know what events to go to. I have been dressing up nicer more often, smiling at guys at the grocery store, trying to be more outgoing at my two jobs, hoping to catch someone's eye. I don't know how to find places to go with eligible single guys. Everyone seems in couples already. 

I gave you lots of suggestions before but I'll try again. Car shows (which are seldom just cars, they usually include food, art, shopping, etc ). Food festivals (what man doesn't love to eat??) Sports events like a baseball game or soccer game. Wine tasting (I personally have met men while wine tasting). Fitness classes like CrossFit or indoor rock climbing. Join a coed pickleball group. My brother just finished a basic car maintenance class which he said had a few women attending but mostly men. Dance classes that don't require a partner like hip hop or line dancing. Go to a bar while a game is going on. 

And before you say you're afraid to go to these things alone or that "everyone" there is part of a couple, I have done almost all of those things (except hip hop, my bad knee doesn't allow for that. Nor for CrossFit or rock climbing) and survived. I even went to happy hour alone many times and no one busted out laughing at me or made fun of me. I met people. Nothing scary happened.

Like my signature line says, when you change nothing, nothing changes. 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't know what events to go to. I have been dressing up nicer more often, smiling at guys at the grocery store, trying to be more outgoing at my two jobs, hoping to catch someone's eye. I don't know how to find places to go with eligible single guys. Everyone seems in couples already. 

I and many others have made many suggestions as to how to meet people in your prior threads - maybe review some of those - then you might know how to find places to go where you can meet single people -or women who might know of single men.  In the last few months I attempted to do two set ups -one a woman your age and one a woman in her 60s. My married friend in her 50s just posted a photo of her 40 something single friend who recently moved to our city -on our moms group -asking if anyone knew any lovely suitable men for her.

It's so odd how you respond sometimes -a woman just shared about her multiple miscarriages- and your responses acknowledge none of that and none of how others share their struggles.  Are you afraid you'd then have to acknowledge how skewed your mindset is or do you just want to vent??

[Coily]

I feel for you, as I'm going through a lot of this myself. Granted I'm a man and have 8 years on you, but it's rough. You look around and see everyone you know starting families, and it hurts. It feel as if you're defective.

Then you get kind of insulting advice about relative youth, or get on meds, or other things that don't address the crux of what you are going through. It is all very well meaning advice, and shouldn't be taken as affront; but there is a missing bit of compassion.

I force myself to go out to public places where people are, not just single people. I try to chat people up, be friendly, and make no bones about the fact I'm single. I go to church, and again make it clear that I'm looking. Same with meet-up groups, hobbies, random public classes, and the like. I don't make it "oh were oh were are the good women;" it's more, "Hey where do single people go these days?"

With friends I do the same, and the one's who tell me "just wait" or "you'll find someone someday" I never bring it up again. They don't care. It's not they should be responsible, but they could at least make suggestions.

Now I'll admit, I'm angry about being single now. Not that I'm owed anything, I just am tired of being dismissed for being single.