Just having a really hard time

[BeaTlesFan77]

Hi Alex, you're not alone in this.  I know what you're going through too but as a guy.  Two of my long-term friends have married and have children now along with nice big homes.  I'm 46 and have the feeling of being left at the train station or in the dust and it hurts.  Yes I agree, it's difficult to have conversations with them when you are on two different boats or can't participate with them like you said.  What I've learned is when you do get together with them, concentrate on subjects like hobbies, entertainment, etc.  Be supportive, but try to steer them away from gushing.  For example, one of them likes to gush about how he goes on family vacations or all the cool renovations that have been done to their home (similar to the slap slap slap slap you mentioned).  I agree and say that's great, sounds like you're doing good.  Then I bring up, what did you think of that game last night or the other day? 

Then as others have said, I go out alone all of the time and see couples around me which stings a little.  Also, like you, it feels like everyone is coupled up.  However, I've been told that going out alone portrays confidence.  People are not going to look at you negatively for wanting to go out and enjoy life.  Heck, I've even gone on vacations alone.  Being at Disneyland or another theme park like that is like being a kid in a candy store.  I got to go on rides as much as I wanted to without checking to see how someone else felt about it.  Eat whatever you want and leave whenever you want. 

Finally, another term I have kept reminding myself is that 'life is a marathon and not a race' which to me goes along with 'things happen for a reason'.  You are where you need to be at the moment.  I hope this helps some.  😄

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I gave you lots of suggestions before but I'll try again. Car shows (which are seldom just cars, they usually include food, art, shopping, etc ). Food festivals (what man doesn't love to eat??) Sports events like a baseball game or soccer game. Wine tasting (I personally have met men while wine tasting). Fitness classes like CrossFit or indoor rock climbing. Join a coed pickleball group. My brother just finished a basic car maintenance class which he said had a few women attending but mostly men. Dance classes that don't require a partner like hip hop or line dancing. Go to a bar while a game is going on. 

And before you say you're afraid to go to these things alone or that "everyone" there is part of a couple, I have done almost all of those things (except hip hop, my bad knee doesn't allow for that. Nor for CrossFit or rock climbing) and survived. I even went to happy hour alone many times and no one busted out laughing at me or made fun of me. I met people. Nothing scary happened.

Like my signature line says, when you change nothing, nothing changes. 

I am afraid to go alone. It's scary. A women alone isnt always safe at a bar. None of my girlfriends met men this way. Okay, so I go to a car show and walk around and not know what to say or do?? I'm a shy person.

I don't know about cars and don't care about them. If someone asks why I'm there, I say what? I can't say I like cars. So I go to a food festival and sit by myself and eat? I don't know anyone who has gone to any kind of festival alone. Maybe a movie, but not a festival. Again, I go to a baseball game. Sit alone. And if a guy sees me, I say I love sports? I don't. Every person I know goes to a sports game as a couple or with friends. I've been wine tasting many many times in 5 years. I never met a single man at a winery. They are there with their girlfriends.  I go to dance classes regularly. I love dancing. Never met a man. I work at a fitness studio. Never met a man. I workout at a chain gym. Never met a man. 

 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You're so young. It's not even close to being over for you.

I know you said you needed to adjust your dating prospects search efforts. What have you done differently recently?

You never respond when I ask if you're doing anything other than swiping on your phone. How many times per month on average do you go to events or participate in activities where there are likely to listen 

 

[boltnrun]

My bestie got married at 34 and had her child at 37. Just saying.

And Alex, I won't coddle you or treat you like you're a helpless infant. That would be insulting. You're a grown woman who has an education and is responsible. That's why I give you suggestions instead of coddling. I doubt coddling would be of much help.

I am sorry you're feeling bad. I wish for you to find what you want. 

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I and many others have made many suggestions as to how to meet people in your prior threads - maybe review some of those - then you might know how to find places to go where you can meet single people -or women who might know of single men.  In the last few months I attempted to do two set ups -one a woman your age and one a woman in her 60s. My married friend in her 50s just posted a photo of her 40 something single friend who recently moved to our city -on our moms group -asking if anyone knew any lovely suitable men for her.

It's so odd how you respond sometimes -a woman just shared about her multiple miscarriages- and your responses acknowledge none of that and none of how others share their struggles.  Are you afraid you'd then have to acknowledge how skewed your mindset is or do you just want to vent??

I'm on a Facebook group where people can post themselves or friends saying- this person or myself is a great catch, anyone know someone that would date them. I put a nice simple write up, cute pictures of myself. Not one person comments. Other posts of single men get flooded with comments. I've even posted on some of the men's posts saying I'm interested. I've even gone farther and private messaged them. I get nowhere. 

[LootieTootie]

There are many people like you Alex, single and feeling left out. My 30 year old sister is one of them and I tell her all the time, there's pros and cons to both side of the coin.

Enjoy what you have now and make the most of what you have. Once you dwell on the things you don't have, you can't enjoy life. 

Again, I really think you just need new set of friends who are single or who are dating. Have you thought about using Tinder to find friends? I believe they have that feature now.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I work at a fitness studio.

Doesn't the fitness studio you work at cater to older people? Like, the elderly?

I have never had anything bad happen to me when I went to bars alone. And I talk to people at the events I go to. I don't just sit there and gnaw on a hot dog.

Again, if you change nothing, nothing changes.

You can try something new. Or...you can do nothing. Your choice. 

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

I feel for you, as I'm going through a lot of this myself. Granted I'm a man and have 8 years on you, but it's rough. You look around and see everyone you know starting families, and it hurts. It feel as if you're defective.

Then you get kind of insulting advice about relative youth, or get on meds, or other things that don't address the crux of what you are going through. It is all very well meaning advice, and shouldn't be taken as affront; but there is a missing bit of compassion.

I force myself to go out to public places where people are, not just single people. I try to chat people up, be friendly, and make no bones about the fact I'm single. I go to church, and again make it clear that I'm looking. Same with meet-up groups, hobbies, random public classes, and the like. I don't make it "oh were oh were are the good women;" it's more, "Hey where do single people go these days?"

With friends I do the same, and the one's who tell me "just wait" or "you'll find someone someday" I never bring it up again. They don't care. It's not they should be responsible, but they could at least make suggestions.

Now I'll admit, I'm angry about being single now. Not that I'm owed anything, I just am tired of being dismissed for being single.

This is exactly how I feel too. All family and friends are like- oh you are so beautiful, you are so smart, you will meet a great guy, don't worry, your time will come. All the while they are happily married and pregnant.  

[Alex39]

8 minutes ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

Hi Alex, you're not alone in this.  I know what you're going through too but as a guy.  Two of my long-term friends have married and have children now along with nice big homes.  I'm 46 and have the feeling of being left at the train station or in the dust and it hurts.  Yes I agree, it's difficult to have conversations with them when you are on two different boats or can't participate with them like you said.  What I've learned is when you do get together with them, concentrate on subjects like hobbies, entertainment, etc.  Be supportive, but try to steer them away from gushing.  For example, one of them likes to gush about how he goes on family vacations or all the cool renovations that have been done to their home (similar to the slap slap slap slap you mentioned).  I agree and say that's great, sounds like you're doing good.  Then I bring up, what did you think of that game last night or the other day? 

Then as others have said, I go out alone all of the time and see couples around me which stings a little.  Also, like you, it feels like everyone is coupled up.  However, I've been told that going out alone portrays confidence.  People are not going to look at you negatively for wanting to go out and enjoy life.  Heck, I've even gone on vacations alone.  Being at Disneyland or another theme park like that is like being a kid in a candy store.  I got to go on rides as much as I wanted to without checking to see how someone else felt about it.  Eat whatever you want and leave whenever you want. 

Finally, another term I have kept reminding myself is that 'life is a marathon and not a race' which to me goes along with 'things happen for a reason'.  You are where you need to be at the moment.  I hope this helps some.  😄

Thanks. Its nice to hear that some people relate and understand. I can't stop the gushing. My two friends are already gushing about breast pumps and wedding plans. I can't relate at all. And when I bring up other stuff they just keep talking about marriage and babies. For hours. Mine as well stab me in the eyes. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

1 minute ago, LootieTootie said:

Enjoy what you have now and make the most of what you have. Once you dwell on the things you don't have, you can't enjoy life.

This!  When I'm feeling down about anything, I remind myself where I am and what I have at the moment.  Somebody else has it worse. 

[Alex39]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Doesn't the fitness studio you work at cater to older people? Like, the elderly?

I have never had anything bad happen to me when I went to bars alone. And I talk to people at the events I go to. I don't just sit there and gnaw on a hot dog.

Again, if you change nothing, nothing changes.

You can try something new. Or...you can do nothing. Your choice. 

I literally went to a friend's wedding alone. I knew no guests. I knew only the groom. 

I worked the room, spoke to everyone at my table, made new friends, gave out my business card, added people on social media. I tried so hard. 

Met not one guy. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Thanks. Its nice to hear that some people relate and understand. I can't stop the gushing. My two friends are already gushing about breast pumps and wedding plans. I can't relate at all. And when I bring up other stuff they just keep talking about marriage and babies. For hours. Mine as well stab me in the eyes. 

I would think about finding new friends.  Friends are supposed to lift you up and not make you feel bad about yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 they just keep talking about marriage and babies. For hours. Mine as well stab me in the eyes. 

Why are you hanging out with these people?  This isn't about where to meet men. At all. You can hangout at Home Depot, car shows, hunting  stores all day and smile at grocery stores,etc. and that's not going to help whatsoever.

What is going to help is improving your mental health and particularly the extreme negativity. 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

I would think about finding new friends.  Friends are supposed to lift you up and not make you feel bad about yourself. 

They don't realize this hurts me. My two friends were engaged and they invited me to attend a bridal show with them. I attended, I smiled, I supported them at every turn, I went to every vendor and they said "are you the bride?" 

Over and over and over again, I smiled and said no, how I'm bridesmaid support. Probably 50 times I had to say that I was there as the single friend. It was so hurtful, but I went and made the best of it for my friends. 

They never try to help me or help me meet anyone. They just keep stabbing me emotionally with their weddings and babies. And I sit there silent as they talk about things I don't know about. 

They've never considered that it hurts me deeply to talk about that stuff constantly. I don't share it openly. What do I say- you guys are making me cry with your baby news? That'd be terrible. 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I literally went to a friend's wedding alone. I knew no guests. I knew only the groom. 

I worked the room, spoke to everyone at my table, made new friends, gave out my business card, added people on social media. I tried so hard. 

Met not one guy. 

A wedding wasn't on my list of suggested activities. Although my uncle and aunt met when they were both members of a wedding party.

Again, it's your choice. Change nothing and nothing will change. Or try something out of your comfort zone.

One thing I need to ask, though. Do you want actual suggestions or do you prefer for us to sympathize/empathize and not offer suggestions? Because if you prefer sympathy/empathy I will stop offering suggestions.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. They just keep stabbing me emotionally with their weddings and babies. 

I'm sorry Alex, you're doing this to yourself. They are just living their lives. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

I'm sorry Alex, you're doing this to yourself. They are just living their lives. 

 That’s the thing people are just living their lives. If you feel “ emotionally “ stabbed it is time to get only single friends. 

[Alex39]

Just now, boltnrun said:

A wedding wasn't on my list of suggested activities. Although my uncle and aunt met when they were both members of a wedding party.

Again, it's your choice. Change nothing and nothing will change. Or try something out if your comfort zone.

One thing I need to ask, though. Do you want actual suggestions or do you prefer for us to sympathize/empathize and not offer suggestions? Because if you prefer sympathy/empathy I will stop offering suggestions.

I want both. I want suggestions, but I find it is easier said than done. It's easy to say go to a car show. Car shows here are a bunch of dudes in a Walmart parking lot. 

Sit at a bar alone. Easier said than done, when 95% of people are there with others even friends. 

I went out one night to a line dancing bar with my friend and her husband. My friend had her boobs hanging out. She had a boob job and loves them hanging out. I was dressed really casual but cute. A guy came over and asked to buy her a drink right in front of me. She said no thank you as she's married, he looked at me and walked away. I'm not hideous. People tell me I'm pretty. 

[Seraphim]

Time to look for a better class of event . I went to a car show that was international with very high end cars in a convention centre in a major city . Not grandpa’s Walmart 1960’s classics. 

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

friends are like- oh you are so beautiful, you are so smart, you will meet a great guy, don't worry, your time will come. All the while they are happily married and pregnant.  

That's certainly not how you have described some of your friends' marriages in other threads. 

You have made it seem like some of them simply settled for men who happened to be convenient even though they could likely do a lot better. 

Is that really what you want? 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Time to look for a better class of event . I went to a car show that was international with very high end cars in a convention centre in a major city . Not grandpa’s Walmart 1960’s classics. 

Me too. I went to Barrett-Jackson and they have all the way from million dollar cars down to your average around town car. I walked around (yes, by myself!) and admired the cars and took pictures of the ones I liked. Now, I wasn't looking to meet men but many of them talked to me. One even asked me to pose next to a car for a photo he was taking. LOL 

I just don't feel weird going places alone. I enjoy myself. But again, what you're currently doing isn't working out the way you want so why not try something new?

(I'm not entirely oblivious, though. I can see my suggestions are not resonating with you as you are actually making fun of them. Even ridiculing them. So I'll stop. It's all good, though.)

[Alex39]

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

That's certainly not how you have described some of your friends' marriages in other threads. 

You have made it seem like some of them simply settled for men who happened to be convenient even though they could likely do a lot better. 

Is that really what you want? 

No thats not what I want at all. My mom keeps reminding me that one of my friends her and her husband are unemployed. And she's pregnant. It's not all it seems. But my heart is just hurting. I feel like I'm pathetic and falling behind. I want to add to my already great life with a husband and family. 

[Seraphim]

55 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Me too. I went to Barrett-Jackson and they have all the way from million dollar cars down to your average around town car. I walked around (yes, by myself!) and admired the cars and took pictures of the ones I liked. Now, I wasn't looking to meet men but many of them talked to me. One even asked me to pose next to a car for a photo he was taking. LOL 

I just don't feel weird going places alone. I enjoy myself. But again, what you're currently doing isn't working out the way you want so why not try something new?

(I'm not entirely oblivious, though. I can see my suggestions are not resonating with you as you are actually making fun of them. Even ridiculing them. So I'll stop. It's all good, though.)

Exactly . Just talk naturally with other humans. Most places aren’t dangerous for women to be. 

[Alex39]

My two best friends are now gushing about being pregnant together, because now my other friend is going to try for her second soon, so they can enjoy it together. 

This is torture. 

[Seraphim]

Then stop being friends. 

[Jaunty]

I definitely understand why this is hard for you - but if they’re your “best friends” aren’t you happy for them?