Have I been with a narcissist? How can I cope with this and move on?

[Mitkoo0]

I have posted two previous topics about my situation.

I want to know if this is a narcisissit behaviour from her part and what I should do, how can I move on or get over her?

So, I met a woman online, we started talking as friends and with the time there were so many flirts, nice, love words, gestures, suprises from both of us. So basically all developed into some romance. I don't know if I was love - bombed by her. She told me that I am her soulmate, her whole world, her most important person. That she loves me soo much. That she can't wait to see me, hug me, kiss me.. We talked everyday for 8 months, we exchanged gifts for Christmas. Then we talked about meeting in real life (as I live in different country now) and we agreed to see each other, we both were so happy and excited. I brought plain tickets, everything arranged and one week before that she suddenly stopped answering my messages and calls for a few days and then told me that she doesn't want to see me now, because I have different feeligns towards her as she has towards me. She told me she needs time and distance..  But before she told me so much how she loves me, she showed to me, she gave me so much attention, care, love - everything and then suddenly I am in love with her and she is not with me.

For me she basically didn't gave me any explanation, because the other day before she got distant, she told me how much she loves me, how she can't wait to see me, how amazing time we will have together and then - BAM.. 

I never expected that, I was so shocked, hurt and just couldn't believe what happened. I started to think and assume so many possibilities. That she could be afraid of meeting in real life, or she could met someone else..  We didn't get to see each other, she didn't talked with me or texted me much for 3 weeks, then we talked over the phone yestarday. She didn't told me what happened, she told me she doesn't want to talk about this and etc. And we talked about how she was, what was happening in her life and etc.

And today I just sent her a good morning message and Happy Valentine's day and she answered showing me pic of bouquet of roses and told me she has other stuff/gifts from someone. 

It hurts me so much, because the reality is that she found someone else I guess. But how can you talk to someone, make plans for meeting in real life, make promises about love and everything and in the same time meet another man, I can't believe that someone could do that. 😞

So she basically made me feel so loved, wanted, special. And it was amazing, but now it's the complete opposite. I feel like I am nothing, it hurts so much, I feel shattered, devasted and I don't know how to overcome all of this.. 😞 I know, we haven't even met in person, but I really feel that I love her, I would have done everything for her happiness and well being, I believed in all of her words, promises, her affection and love towards me.. But I guess she never really loved me..

[Batya33]

Who is this someone -how are you sure she is a she - is the age she said, lives how she said she lives? How do you know she is single? No need to obtain any sort of label or diagnosis -the two of you chose to be involved in a fantasy romance (yes I have close online friends - all platonic -some I have met, some not, with a number of them we have mutual real life friends).  So evaluate yourself -why did you choose fantasy over reality? Why choose someone where you can meet but not regularly and not for a long time? I know you made actual plans but after months -when I met men through online sites we typically met in person within a week or less -over 100 of them.

Feelings are not facts. You felt what you felt -you can love a flower too, a piece of art, a celebrity you'll never meet- she may have felt what she felt at the time but the fact is she didn't want to meet in person.  You did.  So there never was a real life romantic relationship because that requires two people to meet and get to know each other in person.  She didn't act in a thoughtful way by cancelling and it doesn't make her a narcissist or you lacking in common sense in general - it is what it is.  She cancelled because she -a stranger for all practical and romance and safety purposes- changed her mind.  Which happens more often when you interact solely online.  I'm sorry you're hurting. Figure out if you want a real life relationship or the safety of hiding behind a screen.

 

[Starlight925]

Did you ever video chat?

Asking to assess whether this was a real person.  
 

Did she ask for money?

[Mitkoo0]

15 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Did you ever video chat?

Asking to assess whether this was a real person.  
 

Did she ask for money?

We video chatted/talked over 100 times, yeah.

She is real, of course. 36 year old, lives alone. We exchanged gifts for Christmas and everything.

She never asked for money or other stuff.

I couldn't fly to see her sooner, because of my work.

I asked if she is a narcissist, because I read so many stuff the last days where someone make promises about love, telling you words like she told me and then suddenly, without explanation ghosts you, cancell plans for example and etc and I read that was something people who are narcissist do it.

[MissCanuck]

Don’t waste time trying to find a diagnosis for her. You have nowhere near enough evidence to assume she’s got an actual personality disorder. 
 

I think she loved the attention and idea of you, but then met someone in real life and realized that an online romance just wasn’t enough. She was careless and inconsiderate of your feelings, but you also need to remember that until you meet someone in person and spend time together, it’s mostly just a fantasy. 

Please cut all communication with her now, for your own good. 

[kim42]

I read similar stories on Reddit about this kind of online interactions and most of them end up like this, that one person decides to not meet in real life after all.

I remember this story about an American woman who was supposed to travel in Europe and somehow she managed to match on a dating app with this American guy who lived in Europe. They started to chat and facetime and agreed to meet once she was in Europe. He even sent her a gift for her birthday but then changed his mind before her flight to Europe.

I believe some people just prefer the fantasy and get scared to actually meet the person in real life. I'm sorry you were disappointed but I think it would be the best to stop talking to her. If needed, you can also block her so you can move on from this situation. Try to stay busy in the meantime.

Please don't forget you flew all the way to see her and she didn't want to meet - I'm sure you don't want her to waste more of your time than she already did.

[Mitkoo0]

14 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I read similar stories on Reddit about this kind of online interactions and most of them end up like this, that one person decides to not meet in real life after all.

I remember this story about an American woman who was supposed to travel in Europe and somehow she managed to match on a dating app with this American guy who lived in Europe. They started to chat and facetime and agreed to meet once she was in Europe. He even sent her a gift for her birthday but then changed his mind before her flight to Europe.

I believe some people just prefer the fantasy and get scared to actually meet the person in real life. I'm sorry you were disappointed but I think it would be the best to stop talking to her. If needed, you can also block her so you can move on from this situation. Try to stay busy in the meantime.

Please don't forget you flew all the way to see her and she didn't want to meet - I'm sure you don't want her to waste more of your time than she already did.

You speak with so much wisdom and I know you are right in everything you said!

I know what I should do to get better and move on, the point is that I can't do it now for sure.. Maybe in my case is different sadly. I haven't felt anything towards anyone in the last 6 years. Before I had a fiance, we lived together for 3 years, but she left me a few months before our wedding for another man..

So, I know this woman is basically a stranger to me, but she is from my country, I had plans to move back to my country and live there, so we could have make it. Everything seemed amazing, so true, but in the end I guess it wasn't mean to be .. 😞

The thing is that while she was talking with me and making promises about love/future and etc, she probably has been talking to other guys and now she is with someone esle, that's why she distanced herself from me and didn't wanted to see me. 😞 

What I don't get it, how she could tell how much she loves me, how she can't wait to see me, how we will keep our friendship, love and romance in this year and many years to come and etc the day before she got distant..

[Starlight925]

So she was playing with your emotions, using you to uplift herself.

If you had been living in the same place when you first started chatting, she would have ended it within weeks.  She may not have even met you then.

Yes, she is a player, and yes, it sounds like she's a narcissist.

So what do you do with that label?  Some think it's a meaningless label, don't waste your time trying to label someone psychologically.

I come from a different perspective, as the realization that I had been with a narcissist led me to a path of therapy and deep-dive childhood stuff where I realized that I was raised by a narcissist, so this pattern of push-pull, I love you/No I don't, was so familiar that I was drawn to it, repeating it, comforted by it, and so horribly hurt by it.  

Going through a lot of therapy helped me to patch those childhood wounds so I could move on.  I couldn't move on from the relationship until I fixed the belief that I wasn't the problem in my childhood, and the relationship mirrored what I went through.  Once I understood all of that, fully, it was like a cloud was lifted.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

[Andrina]

You may be asking if she's a narcissist, but my question is, "Are you a masochist?" Pretty sure the answer is yes, because I'm guessing you still haven't blocked her and deleted all photos and past messages.

One more sign she isn't the loving person you once assumed, is that she flaunted the flowers that another man gave her. Yet you stick around for any type of connection with her, including toxicity, after she's shown you her true colors.

How do you move on? Learn from your mistakes and use this solo time to work on your self-worth and resiliency. There will be no moving on and closure until you block her. That's the second you can begin to reach the day you no longer think of her daily. And then vow to never date long distance ever again. That way of dating has a very high risk of failure and you've already wasted a year of your life in nowhere-land. 

Once you've healed, I don't recommend OLD for you to begin the search for romance. I'd do other things to get yourself into the real world such as Meetup.com groups, volunteer work, dance lessons, book discussion groups, cooking or painting lessons, etc.

Please take everyone's advice here as we can be more objective than you at this point. You'll be more subjective and are more prone to letting your heart override your brain until you get some time and distance away from this unhealthy situation. Let us know of your progress. You can do this!

[Kwothe28]

Narcissists are really not loving people. Sure, they may promise you love and "Love bomb" you, but they are not really loving or caring. They do "Love bombing" so they could get your attention. As far as care and love goes, they dont love anyone but themselves. Everything they do is in terms of self- preservation. They dont need partner, they need a "worshiper". Somebody to kiss their feet and uplift their ego. 

That being said, from your story, I dont believe she is one. As Ive said, narcissists are really not "warm" people. At most they can pretend to be that, but at the end, that is just pretending. I think she just had somebody else there in Bulgaria. And that, when it became serious and you wanted to see her, she canceled whole thing. Bad of her? Sure. Narcissoid? Not necesseraly. 

For example, ask yourself if she has: 

- Unrrasonably high sence of self importance

- Feels that she deserves priviledges

- Expects to be recognized as superior

- Makes achievments and talents seems bigger then they are

- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success

- Believes she is superior to others and spend her time with other people she deems equally special

- Be critical or looks down on people that she thinks they are "beneath" her

- Takes advantage of others

- Doesnt have empathy and cant recognize the needs or feelings of others

- Behave in arrogant way

- Insists on having the best of everything 

Its easy to spot a narcissist once you recognize those patterns. They are not exactly subtle about them. No matter how they pretend, once you spend more time with them, you can spot it in their speech and actions. For example I came on the Forum because of one like that. She told me while she talked about her long time ex how she broke up because he has a crazy aunt and "she doesnt mix her genes with somebody like that". At the times I thought its just a joke but once I thought and recollected more of some conversation and actions, its pretty clear she was severe case of it. From giving importance to her family name and achievement to just having very inflate self worth in general despite her being generally ordinary woman. That is one more thing about narcissists, they are no1 only in their head. In reality, its often not like that. So, if you can maybe recollected some instance of what I described, maybe you have a case. But, as Ive said, from what you told before, dont believe she is one. 

[smackie9]

You and her just got carried away with the fantasy affair, to which many have gone there too, so don't keep kicking yourself. It was a matter of time either one of you would have met someone irl, and would want to take that opportunity. It's a tough deal but you can't blame her, you were just as much as a participant in this. Lesson learned, go forward with the knowledge to not get involved with someone in this manner. There are way too many risks, with a small chance of reward. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Mitkoo0 said:

 and what I should do, how can  today I just sent her a good morning message and Happy Valentine's day and she answered showing me pic of bouquet of roses and told me she has other stuff/gifts from someone. 

Sorry this happened. I realized this hurts but it might be your ticket to freedom and closure. Please delete and block this person from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Please view this as the final message that she's not interested. 

[Jaunty]

Yeah, it doesn't really matter if she's a narcissist, a circus clown, or a drag queen - do you want to be involved with anyone who would treat you like this?

I sure hope not.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Mitkoo0 said:

how she could tell how much she loves me, how she can't wait to see me, how we will keep our friendship, love and romance in this year and many years to come and etc the day before she got distant..

Maybe she wasn't sure the guy she is dating now wanted to take things further with her, but when she realized he did, she pulled away from you. 

7 hours ago, Mitkoo0 said:

I know this woman is basically a stranger to me, but she is from my country, I had plans to move back to my country and live there, so we could have make it.

Being from the same country is convenient but also not that relevant. I am sure there are plenty of people from your country you would never date. Sure, you and she could relate in a particular way but that didn't mean you would be compatible romantic partners. 

7 hours ago, Mitkoo0 said:

Everything seemed amazing, so true

This is where you have to be more realistic in the future. You can't know if anything is true when you have never met in person.

7 hours ago, Mitkoo0 said:

I know what I should do to get better and move on, the point is that I can't do it now for sure

What can't you do? 

[rainbowsandroses]

What makes you so sure she met someone in real life? 

I don't think she met someone IRL, she strikes me as a person quite savvy with respect to online interactions, she knows how to pull men in, then push them away when things start becoming "real" (i.e. about to meet in person).  

I also don't think she's a narcissist necessarily but I understand your need to label her as one. Because you're hurt and if you can blame HER for being a narcissist or whatever, you don't have to look within and take responsibility for your role and how you allowed yourself to get swept up in this fantasy interaction.

We could speculate all sorts of things - she's not really a woman, she's married or in another relationship, she's mentally ill, she's got a personality disorder, the list is endless.

None of that matters, all that matters is why YOU allowed yourself to get so caught up in this, the love-bombing, her claiming you are her "soulmate"?

How was any of this appealing to you?  What is lacking in your life and your own self-worth that allowed you to fall for this BS?

I apologize if that sounds harsh, I get that online interactions can be quite intoxicating but it's important to stay grounded and keep it "real."  As much as you can keep it real online before you meet in person.  

Meaning, enjoy the interaction for what it is (chatting with a new person), nothing more nothing less.  If when they begin "love-bombing" you, claiming you are their "soulmate," take it all with a BIG grain of salt.

I am sorry you got hurt though, there are many lessons to be learned from this if you're open to it, all the best.

 

 

 

[Capricorn3]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Don’t waste time trying to find a diagnosis for her. You have nowhere near enough evidence to assume she’s got an actual personality disorder.

I think she loved the attention and idea of you, but then met someone in real life and realized that an online romance just wasn’t enough. She was careless and inconsiderate of your feelings, but you also need to remember that until you meet someone in person and spend time together, it’s mostly just a fantasy. 

Please cut all communication with her now, for your own good. 

^ I second this post in its entirety.  It seems the new "in thing" these days to call people a narcissist for the slightest thing. She just wasn't the right match for you.

Take this as a lesson learned and move on.

[Mitkoo0]

On 2/14/2024 at 3:01 PM, Andrina said:

You may be asking if she's a narcissist, but my question is, "Are you a masochist?" Pretty sure the answer is yes, because I'm guessing you still haven't blocked her and deleted all photos and past messages.

One more sign she isn't the loving person you once assumed, is that she flaunted the flowers that another man gave her. Yet you stick around for any type of connection with her, including toxicity, after she's shown you her true colors.

How do you move on? Learn from your mistakes and use this solo time to work on your self-worth and resiliency. There will be no moving on and closure until you block her. That's the second you can begin to reach the day you no longer think of her daily. And then vow to never date long distance ever again. That way of dating has a very high risk of failure and you've already wasted a year of your life in nowhere-land. 

Once you've healed, I don't recommend OLD for you to begin the search for romance. I'd do other things to get yourself into the real world such as Meetup.com groups, volunteer work, dance lessons, book discussion groups, cooking or painting lessons, etc.

Please take everyone's advice here as we can be more objective than you at this point. You'll be more subjective and are more prone to letting your heart override your brain until you get some time and distance away from this unhealthy situation. Let us know of your progress. You can do this!

Yes, I haven't blocked her and delated the messages/videos,pictures and everything.. 😞 I have her gifts too 😞

I know you are right and thank you for your reply! It means a lot for me!

I have to find some strenght and try to move on, but she is on my mind. And sadly I don't think about how bad she treated me. I think about all the nice memories, when we talked, when we used to laugh together. I think about her promises of love, that we will be together in the future and for many, many years. She basically said till the end.. 😞

What hurts most is that I just can't believe how you can make promises, say words like this and in the same time be with another man..

Because when I told her that I have romantic feelings first, she was ok with it. She said she loves me too, she likes me as a man, but just doesn't want relationships right now. Our plans to see each other stayed, everything was ok in the next 2 weeks and the suddenly she said she doesn't feel the same (after months of showing me her love/attention/affection) and she needs time and space for herself and away from me. And now it seems it was she needed time for her new man.. 

For sure you are away more objective on this than me. I can't think straight now and I haven't even had a beer yet today. Just walking, feeling sick, bad, like I am some kind of a zombie..

But again, thank you for your words and advices, it means a lot from me and I will try to follow them!

[Mitkoo0]

17 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What makes you so sure she met someone in real life? 

I don't think she met someone IRL, she strikes me as a person quite savvy with respect to online interactions, she knows how to pull men in, then push them away when things start becoming "real" (i.e. about to meet in person).  

I also don't think she's a narcissist necessarily but I understand your need to label her as one. Because you're hurt and if you can blame HER for being a narcissist or whatever, you don't have to look within and take responsibility for your role and how you allowed yourself to get swept up in this fantasy interaction.

We could speculate all sorts of things - she's not really a woman, she's married or in another relationship, she's mentally ill, she's got a personality disorder, the list is endless.

None of that matters, all that matters is why YOU allowed yourself to get so caught up in this, the love-bombing, her claiming you are her "soulmate"?

How was any of this appealing to you?  What is lacking in your life and your own self-worth that allowed you to fall for this BS?

I apologize if that sounds harsh, I get that online interactions can be quite intoxicating but it's important to stay grounded and keep it "real."  As much as you can keep it real online before you meet in person.  

Meaning, enjoy the interaction for what it is (chatting with a new person), nothing more nothing less.  If when they begin "love-bombing" you, claiming you are their "soulmate," take it all with a BIG grain of salt.

I am sorry you got hurt though, there are many lessons to be learned from this if you're open to it, all the best.

 

 

 

Well, because yestarday she sended me pics of her gifts that for sure are from another man.

I don't want or need to label her as a narcissist, I don't want and I will not say anything bad about her and I wish only happiness and the best for her!

I just can't believe in what happened. You don't sound harsh, you speak the truth and I need to learn from all of this and be able to not get into that situation again in the future.

But I explained that I had fiance before and she left me for another man before our wedding. It has been 6 years and I haven't felt anything towards anyone till this woman. 🙂 Maybe that's why I get caught in all of this. She and I were both lonely, she was having some mental problems, we talked and talked for months and she got better and then she started telling me how I helped her overcome those problems. How I make her happy, how I make her smile, how I make her days brighter and happy, how I am her everything and how I am her most important person. How grateful she is that I am in her life. How much she loves me, how much she wants to see me, hug me, kiss me. How we will be together forever and ever.. And at first I didn't had romantic feelings towards her, I just enjoyed talking with her and that I helped her. She also helped me to feel better tho. But after she started telling me all of this of course I fell in love with her.. 

I don't know if she meant trully all of this and what happened, but she became like and another person suddenly, distant and all of this so close before our meeting. And now I understand that there is another man..

[Mitkoo0]

On 2/14/2024 at 3:05 PM, Kwothe28 said:

Narcissists are really not loving people. Sure, they may promise you love and "Love bomb" you, but they are not really loving or caring. They do "Love bombing" so they could get your attention. As far as care and love goes, they dont love anyone but themselves. Everything they do is in terms of self- preservation. They dont need partner, they need a "worshiper". Somebody to kiss their feet and uplift their ego. 

That being said, from your story, I dont believe she is one. As Ive said, narcissists are really not "warm" people. At most they can pretend to be that, but at the end, that is just pretending. I think she just had somebody else there in Bulgaria. And that, when it became serious and you wanted to see her, she canceled whole thing. Bad of her? Sure. Narcissoid? Not necesseraly. 

For example, ask yourself if she has: 

- Unrrasonably high sence of self importance

- Feels that she deserves priviledges

- Expects to be recognized as superior

- Makes achievments and talents seems bigger then they are

- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success

- Believes she is superior to others and spend her time with other people she deems equally special

- Be critical or looks down on people that she thinks they are "beneath" her

- Takes advantage of others

- Doesnt have empathy and cant recognize the needs or feelings of others

- Behave in arrogant way

- Insists on having the best of everything 

Its easy to spot a narcissist once you recognize those patterns. They are not exactly subtle about them. No matter how they pretend, once you spend more time with them, you can spot it in their speech and actions. For example I came on the Forum because of one like that. She told me while she talked about her long time ex how she broke up because he has a crazy aunt and "she doesnt mix her genes with somebody like that". At the times I thought its just a joke but once I thought and recollected more of some conversation and actions, its pretty clear she was severe case of it. From giving importance to her family name and achievement to just having very inflate self worth in general despite her being generally ordinary woman. That is one more thing about narcissists, they are no1 only in their head. In reality, its often not like that. So, if you can maybe recollected some instance of what I described, maybe you have a case. But, as Ive said, from what you told before, dont believe she is one. 

You speak with so much wisdom!

I don't think she is a narcissist, but I can't explain her actions now. Because I would never tell someone something, make a promise, tell that I love them, will be there for them and then just pull away without explanation and anything. And I also would not be talking to another woman if I am talking with a woman in a love/romantic way and we want things to get serious.. But not anyone is the same, I understand that.

I never want to say anything bad towards her, so I am sorry if here it seems like I want to make her looks bad. I just can't believe what happened and feel really bad and there isn't anyone that I can talk to.

It feels like she was my closest person in these last 8 months (now 9) and now when I need her the most - she isn't here.

Also, when I get to Bulgaria, tried to see her, she wasn't at home. But I was there for a week. She knew where I was, she didn't care.. 😞

And my gutt was telling me that there is someone else, because how could you change so suddenly then, but until yestarday I had some hopes that this is not the case..

[rainbowsandroses]

51 minutes ago, Mitkoo0 said:

Well, because yestarday she sended me pics of her gifts that for sure are from another man.

Yes I read that.  My first thought was they were gifts from another "online boyfriend." 

That's her MO, online situationships until it's time to meet in person which you said was about to happen, so she bailed.  JMO.

Not that it matters.  Online boyfriend, real life boyfriend, it doesn't matter.

Whatever the case, it very much sounds like she has "issues" within herself. You said yourself she struggles with mental problems.

I do sympathize, again such online interactions can be quite intoxicating for many reasons.

But I speak from experience, wracking your brain attempting to understand her motives and the "why" of it is unhealthy and can lead to an even unhealthier obsession which is never good and very easy to fall into.  

Feel your pain, cry, scream, go punch a boxing bag if you have to. 

Try and get as much physical exercise as you can.  It helps!  Physical exercise increases endorphin levels, a natural mood enhancer. 

Can you go for a run?  Or brisk walk?  Sunshine helps too, there's been research written about this.

Force yourself if you have to.  When you begin feeling better from it, you won't need to force yourself anymore, again I speak from experience.

Are you in some form of therapy?  If not, I highly recommend.  That and reading good quality literature about interpersonal relationships (including online interactions), human behavior and the like to gain understanding so you can avoid falling into this same sort of trap again. 

Keep posting here as well if you need to.  

And remember, time does heal but in the meantime you must help yourself too. 

Good luck!  

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Mitkoo0 said:

Well, because yestarday she sended me pics of her gifts that for sure are from another man.

You have no idea if she even owns those items she sent you pictures of.

[Mitkoo0]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You have no idea if she even owns those items she sent you pictures of.

Well, I know her flat, I have seen it on pictures/camera/videos many times. And there was also her hand (she has a tattoo and a two rings), so I am pretty sure..

The point is that she even today texted me this : "Hey, how are you? Hope you are okay."

How could I be okay? She ignores my messages when I ask about what happened..

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Mitkoo0 said:

 she even today texted me this : "Hey, how are you? Hope you are okay.

Why would she "hope you're ok"? Are you still sending her gifts and money? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Mitkoo0 said:

Well, I know her flat, I have seen it on pictures/camera/videos many times. And there was also her hand (she has a tattoo and a two rings), so I am pretty sure..

The point is that she even today texted me this : "Hey, how are you? Hope you are okay."

How could I be okay? She ignores my messages when I ask about what happened..

Pretty sure isn’t sure. In a real relationship you’d be sure. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Mitkoo0 said:

How we will be together forever and ever..

People who talk like this when they have never even met you need to be avoided at all costs. 

It's a sign they're immautre, impulsive and living in Fairy Tale Land in their head. I know it felt good to hear those words, but man, you can't take this crap seriously when you have not laid eyes on them in real life. 

2 hours ago, Mitkoo0 said:

she even today texted me this : "Hey, how are you? Hope you are okay."

You really need to block this person. I fear you won't, and you will stay stuck in this situation way too long. But you need to move on from her, Mitkoo.