I left her alone in a dangerous situation

[MurkyIntersection]

We were vacationing in the tropics. Everything was great, until a sudden thunderstorm came in the late evening. I did have an umbrella —however, the weather was severe.

 

Our taxi arrived to destination. I got out and immediately seeked repair from the heavy rain, leaving her behind.

She exited the car as well, crossing the road by herself— just like I did, except without an umbrella.

 

She yelled at me—she had never done it before—for not helping her out. She said she couldn't even see because of the rain on her eyeglasses.

I gave her a blank stare, immediately realizing how selfish I had been, but unable to say anything other than sorry.

 

Not to justify my behavior or anything, but I can't stress enough how extreme the rain was. It was so bad that I found it amusing, and I was actually having a great time watching how heavily it was pouring down. I hadn't seen anything like that before. Even the locals were saying that it was much stronger than usual.

Needless to say, she didn't find it amusing at all. She was very angry at me.

 

I realize I messed up badly in this situation, and that my partner now doesn't trust me anymore.

I couldn't help but put my own safety first, completely disregarding her's.

 

I am now wondering what I could do, if anything, to save this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Batya33]

Say you’re sorry you didn’t attempt to help her and acted in a thoughtless and selfish way and tell her if you’re ever in a similar situation you will make very different choices. You chose in the moment to focus on only your own safety and comfort. You could help it. If you sincerely apologize she might give you another chance. 
Many years ago I’d just met my future husband’s good friend when we were visiting his city. It was raining hard. I got out of the car to run into the restaurant and as I did realized my earring or post had fallen out.
My husband didn’t realize but his friend did. He saw me peering into the puddle by the curb to see if I could see it. It was pouring. His friend then knelt down saw it and fished it out of the rain. Without my asking.
 

Be like him. In life. Not just with a girlfriend. Practice that and then it will come instinctively and naturally. I’ve done the same for others. It feels good and spreads good karma. 

[Seraphim]

Was it dangerous? Probably not . Was it rude ? Yes. It was rain not a tsunami. 

[Starlight925]

It was rude.  It was unchivalrous.  It was ungentlemanly.

I'd be pissed off too, if I was her.  You owe her a sincere apology.  And if it's truly sincere, she owes you acceptance.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, MurkyIntersection said:

I couldn't help but put my own safety first, completely disregarding her's. I am now wondering what I could do, if anything, to save this relationship. 

Apologize. It's that simple. 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, MurkyIntersection said:

I couldn't help but put my own safety first, completely disregarding her's.

Does this mean that you love yourself more and are incapable of feeling empathy for another as the average person would? I find it strange you compartmentalized the scene without expanding to all the steps of foresight. You knew you had one umbrella and you stepped out with it and dashed by yourself across an entire street. Why did your thought process or lack of it exclude the well being of your SO? And then it took you several seconds after she yelled to realize what you'd done. If I were you, I'd be visiting a neurologist and be requesting a brain scan.

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, MurkyIntersection said:

I couldn't help but put my own safety first, completely disregarding her's.

Yes, you could help it.  You chose to prioritize your own comfort with no regard for hers.

All you can do is apologize.  If you're truly sorry, that is.  It sure doesn't sound like you are from what you wrote.

[catfeeder]

Partner or even a friend, whenever there are two people and one umbrella, it's supposed to be shared.

Also, why didn't you have the car drive to the destination side of the street in such a storm?

You've apologized, so I'm not sure what you're asking of us. Is this person still your partner, or are you trying to get her back?

[reinventmyself]

I think it makes you human.  You made a mistake.  You take responsibility and move on.   

[Coily]

You don't have to father a grown woman.

While not the best action on your part, she's acting a bit too entitled. While you weren't exactly considerate in the moment, the fact she thought it was okay to yell at you is concerning. Or that she is allowing this moment to say she has lost trust in you is childish.

Apologize for not being more helpful, but she owes you an apology for carrying on like a spoiled brat.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Coily said:

You don't have to father a grown woman.

While not the best action on your part, she's acting a bit too entitled. While you weren't exactly considerate in the moment, the fact she thought it was okay to yell at you is concerning. Or that she is allowing this moment to say she has lost trust in you is childish.

Apologize for not being more helpful, but she owes you an apology for carrying on like a spoiled brat.

She couldn't see and was at an unfamiliar location - that combination can feel really awful. 

[Coily]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She couldn't see and was at an unfamiliar location - that combination can feel really awful. 

Not an excuse to yell at someone, nor for statements of distrust. If he dropped her in some seedy neighborhood where sex traffickers were known to wait on every street corner for easy prey, maybe.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Coily said:

Not an excuse to yell at someone, nor for statements of distrust. If he dropped her in some seedy neighborhood where sex traffickers were known to wait on every street corner for easy prey, maybe.

Right so that's your standard -she was probably soaking wet and couldn't see and worried. And she knew he had an umbrella and didn't bother to share it with her. He didn't care.  He said so. That's an awful feeling.

[poorlittlefish]

In a very unusual situation you crossed the road, for a split second forgetting that you were with someone who would have appreciated sharing the umbrella.  If you don't wear glasses, you're not to know how they might impact the wearer in heavy rain.  Your girlfriend made the choice to get out of the taxi and she made the choice to cross the road without the umbrella.  You were a bit thoughtless in the moment and you apologised for it, but it's not like you dragged her across the road or abandoned her in a deserted location in the middle of the night.  I am struggling to understand why it's been made into such a big issue.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

In a very unusual situation you crossed the road, for a split second forgetting that you were with someone who would have appreciated sharing the umbrella.  If you don't wear glasses, you're not to know how they might impact the wearer in heavy rain.  Your girlfriend made the choice to get out of the taxi and she made the choice to cross the road without the umbrella.  You were a bit thoughtless in the moment and you apologised for it, but it's not like you dragged her across the road or abandoned her in a deserted location in the middle of the night.  I am struggling to understand why it's been made into such a big issue.

It didn't sound like split second -he shared that he knows he made a selfish choice.

[Coily]

On 2/10/2024 at 2:29 PM, Batya33 said:

Right so that's your standard -she was probably soaking wet and couldn't see and worried. And she knew he had an umbrella and didn't bother to share it with her. He didn't care.  He said so. That's an awful feeling.

So she is entitled to act like an insolent child? I think he did care, but only after the fact, he's not a villain, or jerk, or d-bag; he acted on instinct; like most people do. He realizes that, however a simple mistake like this shouldn't grant carte blanche to dissolve a relationship.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Coily said:

So she is entitled to act like an insolent child? I think he did care, but only after the fact, he's not a villain, or jerk, or d-bag; he acted on instinct; like most people do. He realizes that, however a simple mistake like this shouldn't grant carte blanche to dissolve a relationship.

It wasn't a mistake. He intended to leave her behind. He said so.  We just see her reaction differently and that's ok.  He did act like a selfish jerk IMO.  Not on instinct - when I act on instinct and there is someone I care about in close proximity I act on their behalf too as needed.  On instinct.  Even a stranger. 

I do think if he sincerely apologizes she should accept it and move foward if this is the first time he acted in this selfish and thoughtless way.  Do you wear glasses? I do and if I take them off I'm legally blind so if they're wet and it's raining I likely won't take them off unless it's safe to do so so I don't drop or break them in a storm -then I cannot see.  This happened because he chose to only keep himself dry as he wrote. I think it's a matter of opinion and I respect yours.  

 

[Coily]

Well then let draw and quarter him

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Coily said:

Well then let draw and quarter him

I never wrote that. I think he should be forgiven.  He wrote : " I couldn't help but put my own safety first, completely disregarding her's."  Of course he could help it.  

It's very subjective. In December on a dark rainy night my husband, son and I were waiting in the rain at our home airport with our luggage -lots and lots of luggage - for our uber.  My husband checked the app.  It was delayed 20 minutes.  We decided to wait.  A strange man comes right up to me -and I'm right next to my son.  He is close to me and my luggage and offers us a car service ride.  This is illegal at the airport.  I said no thank you -firmly -and from what I recall he didn't move along so I said very firmly - please step away. 

He then berated me for being rude and did leave.  I hadn't heard my husband speak up too as it was loud and rainy but he did standing behind me.  My son was mad at me for being rude.  He is a teenager and he didn't understand that as a petite woman, standing where I couldn't get away easily given the luggage, with my son right there, and a former crime/harassment victim in similar circumstances I felt totally right being very firm to this much larger man to leave me alone.  Particularly since it is understood it's illegal to solicit people for these rides.  I was scared. 

My son didn't get that -how could he -he's a teenage boy. He once waved through the window at an unhoused man on a curb acting in an unstable way and gesticulating toward our car stopped at a red light - which of course triggered the man to start approaching the car.  He didn't get that especially these days that can be dangerous.  It's a matter of perspective. Now he knows. He was very sorry.  But the OP did know better and even thought it was funny -it was for him but assume your partner might not want to get soaked with her glasses on having assumed that there's an umbrella that will be shared.

This is why what the OP described is so subjective.  You have a strange location, heavy rain storm, glasses, female. If you choose to be thoughtless and uncaring often you kind of take the victim as you find them.  

[Cherylyn]

Sincerely apologize,  continue changing for the better and it's all you can do.  She should accept your apology and you can prove to her that you will try your best to improve from this day forward. 

I've always felt that if a person humbly apologizes in order to make amends and heal the relationship,  this is a good sign towards recovery.  Both sides can breathe a sigh of relief. 

Unfortunately,  most people will never apologize because they either don't care,  in denial,  become enraged if they're shamed or confronted and it's all downhill from there.  ☹️  Those types of relationships are doomed to disintegrate.  😒

I commend you for having a conscience.  This world would be a better place if more people thought of what they had done and took responsibility for it. 

[Cherylyn]

If you decide to give her a humble apology preferably in person,  make sure you change for the better without repeated mistakes otherwise your apology is perceived as insincere.

I've had some people give me apologies without any intentions to change whatsoever.  The only reason why they gave a fake apology was to keep me as their utility and then an empty relationship resumed as the norm all over again which was most infuriating.  😒 ☹️