Some questions on relationship to get perspective

[MaryAnne7]

Hi everyone! Me again and back for some perspective. I have a few questions to ask: 

1) if you lived with your partner for a few years, would there be an expectation of them to be familiar with your life schedule, I.e. when you start and finish work? As an example: would you think it’s not your responsibility to wake them up if they overslept for work? 
2) can you ever be a priority to someone? Is it okay, in your opinion, for a partner to say that while they are at work, work takes priority unless it’s a medical emergency on your side? 

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Hi everyone! Me again and back for some perspective. I have a few questions to ask: 

1) if you lived with your partner for a few years, would there be an expectation of them to be familiar with your life schedule, I.e. when you start and finish work? As an example: would you think it’s not your responsibility to wake them up if they overslept for work? 
2) can you ever be a priority to someone? Is it okay, in your opinion, for a partner to say that while they are at work, work takes priority unless it’s a medical emergency on your side? 

That last question is so broad! Married for 15 years. No. To a broad extent yes - and specific things yes - he has to know my morning routine and schedule because for the last 11 years I do all school mornings -I get our son ready to and to school with rare exception so he has to know if there is ever a deviation and he should expect me to tell him in advance if possible if there is. 

Every Monday he sends me an email with his week schedule related to work and business travel and I'm sure he expects that I know he is not a morning person, he never gets up early unless it's for work or an obligation, and he should know about me I shut my phone off when I eat meals and I eat meals roughly around the same time so for example he won't use the kitchen to any large extent around that time without telling me in advance.  I do the same for him because I know when he prefers to shower so I won't start laundry until he's out.  

Yes work takes priority.  Totally.  Two weeks ago my husband went on business travel leaving me with our son who was unwell.  Understanding was that unless we had t ogo to the hospital -emergency -he wouldn't come home from business travel. It takes priority and I am a parent so I hold down the fort (same with my health). 

We have always had backup plans since he travels a lot.  Not great as we have no family but yes his career takes prority.  I work part time.  If I have an important work deadline my work takes priority.

  I could never imagine telling my boss "My husband has a Man Cold and wants me to go out and get him this special chicken soup as he doesn't like what we have in the house and he's so so sniffly so sorry - I know it's so important this deadline but my marriage takes priority -gotta go and get him his soup - byeeeee (nor would my husband ever ask). 

My husband is sick this week -and two weeks ago he was away and I got my son to urgent care and diagnosed with mono.  We emailed a few times tops - because his work took priority and I am the solo parent when he travels.  No Brainer IMO.  

Do I wake him -sometimes but often his work schedule gets shifted last minute.  Today he has  a super important meeting and yes if he took a nap getting over his cold I'd wake him.  Otherwise NOPE.

It's very individual IMO.

[MaryAnne7]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That last question is so broad! Married for 15 years. No. To a broad extent yes - and specific things yes - he has to know my morning routine and schedule because for the last 11 years I do all school mornings -I get our son ready to and to school with rare exception so he has to know if there is ever a deviation and he should expect me to tell him in advance if possible if there is. 

Every Monday he sends me an email with his week schedule related to work and business travel and I'm sure he expects that I know he is not a morning person, he never gets up early unless it's for work or an obligation, and he should know about me I shut my phone off when I eat meals and I eat meals roughly around the same time so for example he won't use the kitchen to any large extent around that time without telling me in advance.  I do the same for him because I know when he prefers to shower so I won't start laundry until he's out.  

Yes work takes priority.  Totally.  Two weeks ago my husband went on business travel leaving me with our son who was unwell.  Understanding was that unless we had t ogo to the hospital -emergency -he wouldn't come home from business travel. It takes priority and I am a parent so I hold down the fort (same with my health). 

We have always had backup plans since he travels a lot.  Not great as we have no family but yes his career takes prority.  I work part time.  If I have an important work deadline my work takes priority.

  I could never imagine telling my boss "My husband has a Man Cold and wants me to go out and get him this special chicken soup as he doesn't like what we have in the house and he's so so sniffly so sorry - I know it's so important this deadline but my marriage takes priority -gotta go and get him his soup - byeeeee (nor would my husband ever ask). 

My husband is sick this week -and two weeks ago he was away and I got my son to urgent care and diagnosed with mono.  We emailed a few times tops - because his work took priority and I am the solo parent when he travels.  No Brainer IMO.  

Do I wake him -sometimes but often his work schedule gets shifted last minute.  Today he has  a super important meeting and yes if he took a nap getting over his cold I'd wake him.  Otherwise NOPE.

It's very individual IMO.

Thank you so much for your detailed response! It was very interesting to read

Also I am sorry to hear your son was diagnosed with mono, I hope he gets better soon 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Thank you so much for your detailed response! It was very interesting to read

Also I am sorry to hear your son was diagnosed with mono, I hope he gets better soon 

Thanks!  Fortunately he seemed fine within a week or less. I hear sometimes the fatigue returns but so far. Ok. It was a shock !  

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

would you think it’s not your responsibility to wake them up if they overslept for work? 

Of course I would wake him up if I saw he overslept. In the you're dealing with a childish person who always forgets to set the alarm or turns it off and falls back asleep regularly, you might rethink him as a lifetime partner. If the person is you doing this, you might want to finally grow up and change your ways.

 

3 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Is it okay, in your opinion, for a partner to say that while they are at work, work takes priority unless it’s a medical emergency on your side?

This is too vague. What is this all about? What is the partner asking for of the worker? Yes, life is expensive and a person can't be taking a lot of personal time off or have their day interrupted by calls and texts whereas communication could wait until they get off of work.

[boltnrun]

I used to work with someone whose wife would call excessively. She would call early morning to ask if he knew what time he'd be leaving and boy, he'd better give her a time. Then she would call mid morning. Then call before lunch. Then call after lunch. Then call mid afternoon. Then call late afternoon. All to ask when he would be coming home. And God forbid he wasn't home at the estimated time he gave her because she would call again asking why he wasn't home when he said he would be. The owner told him to tell her to knock it off or he wouldn't have a job anymore. She of course blamed him and said he better tell the owner to let her call because they had kids and she needed to be able to call him whenever. He didn't keep that job, unfortunately.

Now, that was excessive, but the point is it's not necessary to call or text your partner during the workday unless it's a legitimate emergency. IMO At lunchtime, sure, but otherwise? Usually not necessary. 

[smackie9]

We check on each other for all kinds of things, not just sleeping in. We have been together for so long we know each other's algorithm. There's sometimes a blame game if something isn't done, but it settles itself out with humor. 

[Batya33]

Also from the very beginning we knew about each other that our professional careers were top priority. In fact on our very first lunch date one of the first questions he asked me was why I chose my career (back then we were in the same field)- he told me later he wanted to marry someone who pursued their career with passion -that it wasn't just a job.  I wanted the same. But with that means -by definition -work is going to be a top priority in the sense of "please don't call me when I'm on deadline unless it's an emergency" or "no I'm not driving you to your hair appointment on Saturday because I have a lot of work to do on this project."  So it is individual and depends on the type of job/level of responsibilities/career goals. 

When I was a SAHM and my son was young his nap time took priority over making myself available to meet up with friends. My responsibilities to him -which was my job -took priority over meeting my friends even though -sure I could have risked him missing a nap/changed up how he napped - to make my friendship a priority. I never did.  No brainer.  My husband wasn't as on board with my strict nap schedule so yes I made that a priority over making time for him/his family -all else equal.

[Seraphim]

Been married 30 years ( in April) and lived together 31 years. Not very often have I had to wake him up. He is usually up before me. I can’t remember the last time I had to wake him on a work day. ( mind you he is military you can go to jail for not showing up to work without a medical chit or a leave pass.) Would I wake him ? Yes. 
 

Do I expect to be prioritized while he is at work ? No. I have called in an emergency and the occasional text. Some units where he worked you couldn’t have any personal communication device that emitted a signal. All personal phones were locked up and you got it back when you went home . When he was deployed I talked to him when he had a chance to Skype me. I just used to leave Skype open because it could be middle of the night or whatever when he would have a chance to talk. 

[Cherylyn]

I've never lived with a man but hopefully being married to a man will qualify.  🤗

Yes, there should be an expectation that the partner or spouse should know your start and stop work schedule.  If they overslept,  yes,  I would wake up my husband and he would do the same for me.  I would even go so far as to say in order to prevent oversleeping,  either one of us would awaken each other so we're not left scrambling to rush out the door.  Normally,  it doesn't happen though.  That's what alarm clocks are for. ⏰ 😉

Neither one of us are a priority when it comes to work.  Work is the first priority unless there's an emergency or urgent matter which needs prompt attention.  It's common sense.    🫢

 

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't consider it my partner's 'responsibility' to wake me up. I've lived on my own for many years, and getting myself to where I need to be is on me. If a partner had asked me to be a backup for his alarm on a specific morning, like for an early flight, I would do that. Otherwise, I'd credit him for knowing what he's doing if he's sleeping in.

As for work, I respect everyone's time and focus on their job--it's their livelihood. I might text or email if I had something specific and important to ask, but I wouldn't expect an immediate response.

[Kwothe28]

Its too vague of a question. For example about a priority, people have various degrees of it. People will prioritize their family(some not even that lol) so if you are married and/or have kids you should be that but as far as just living together goes, some would consider it not a big deal. Roomates also live together as well and the only difference is that you dont sleep with your roomate(well some do but still, you get the difference lol). 

Same goes with obligations toward your partner. Its your responsibility to get up at certain time for work. Some would not be OK with playing Mommy/Daddy and worry about your concerns. And some would play "Mommy/Daddy" with you and do that. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I wouldn't consider it my partner's 'responsibility' to wake me up. I've lived on my own for many years, and getting myself to where I need to be is on me. If a partner had asked me to be a backup for his alarm on a specific morning, like for an early flight, I would do that. Otherwise, I'd credit him for knowing what he's doing if he's sleeping in.

As for work, I respect everyone's time and focus on their job--it's their livelihood. I might text or email if I had something specific and important to ask, but I wouldn't expect an immediate response.

Also it's individual. My husband does have to be at work at a certain time but not every day and not for the next few months.  And often his meetings get shuffled around last minute and since I go to sleep hours earlier than he does he often won't text or email with a last minute change.  My husband is not as timely as me BUT he's been working now for over 30 years and he's never gotten in any trouble or issues with work because of lateness.  When he has been minorly late it's not an issue. I'm a very timely person and a morning person.  I've never asked him except during like power outages or risks of power outages we try to have backups and be backups for each other.

We lived together for about a month or so many years ago pre-marriage (we broke up that time -not because of living together) and I've never lived with anyone other than my husband.

[quark]

On 2/8/2024 at 5:53 AM, MaryAnne7 said:

Hi everyone! Me again and back for some perspective. I have a few questions to ask: 

1) if you lived with your partner for a few years, would there be an expectation of them to be familiar with your life schedule, I.e. when you start and finish work? As an example: would you think it’s not your responsibility to wake them up if they overslept for work? 
2) can you ever be a priority to someone? Is it okay, in your opinion, for a partner to say that while they are at work, work takes priority unless it’s a medical emergency on your side? 

1)  Absolutely you should look out for your partner in regards to things like oversleeping, it would be completely ignorant to just let them stay in bed.

2) Not sure what this question is asking specifically, but I'm getting the impression yours does not want to be disturbed while at work.  If it's a case where cell phones are not permitted to be used, or the boss is particularly watchful then I would be respectful of that and not reach out during working hours.  Even if it's permitted, but they would prefer to concentrate fully, I would respect that also.  I text my boyfriend while he is at work, but that's because I know he has access to his phone and there are no rules about him checking it.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/8/2024 at 5:53 AM, MaryAnne7 said:

1) would you think it’s not your responsibility to wake them up if they overslept for work? 

2) work takes priority unless it’s a medical emergency on your side? 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live with your partner?  Is your partner demanding you wake them up or take time off from work for their issues?  Adult partners should not have to babysit each other. 

1) Everyone is responsible for their own work schedule and getting themselves up and ready in time for work. 

2) Work is a priority and people shouldn't call in sick or leave work frivolously unless they have a sick day or an emergency to leave work. 

[Tinydance]

To me everything would depend on the actual situation. I'm guessing you asked this in relation to your own relationship? Do you mind me asking what this is in regards to? What situation (s) prompted you to ask this? 

In terms of knowing your partner's schedule. Again I think it's too broad of a question. Some people don't work exactly the same roster. There are many people who have a job where the roster changes a lot  - e.g. hospitality, nurse or doctor. So in some cases it's actually not possible to know your partner's roster unless they tell you about every single shift start and end.

Also it really depends if there's a need for you to know your partner's schedule or not. If you share a car then you need to know what time you'd need to drop them off to work or they need to drop you off. But if you each have a car or make your own way to work then you both just go as you need so you're not relying to each other for anything. If you have kids you need to coordinate your schedules around the kids but if you don't maybe it's not as necessary.

If I knew my partner had to get up for work and they overslept then yes I'd wake them up. But it's not my job to do it all the time. So if they overslept all the time then I'd say they have to take responsibility and fix this.

I think whether work is more priority than family while you're at work also depends on the situation. If your partner just calls you to chat then you wouldn't answer if you're at work. But if your partner messages you there has been an accident then you'll answer and probably will leave work as well. Really it always depends on the circumstances so very hard to answer your questions because they're just too general.