my girlfriend thinks that I should do everything she wants because she has more

[pippipcherrio]

my girlfriend holds the fact that she has more money over my head every time I want to do something she doesn't want me to. anytime I want to hang out with my friends, instead of with her, she says that she won't pay the water bill because if "im going to be selfish, then so is she" a few days ago, I didn't want to go to a party with her and she told me that if I didn't go, she wouldn't buy groceries. so I had to go because I didn't get paid until days later and we wouldn't have groceries otherwise. anytime I don't want to have sex with her, she makes me sleep in my car. and if I just say im fine with sleeping in my car because I really don't want to have sex, she'll find another way to get me to do it, like telling me that if I don't, ill be sleeping in my car for multiple days.

I basically have to everything she wants, or there will be some type of consequence. ive told her before that I think her doing this is kind of unreasonable and she just tells me that im being selfish and that she does so much for me, so the least I can do is, hang out with her,  do her favors,  have sex with her when she wants, etc. I appreciate everything she has done/does for me and the last thing I would want to be is selfish, but I feel like how often she does it is unfair.  I feel like im not even in control of my own life sometimes. for more context, she pays for all the groceries, most of the rent, wifi, and half of the utilities. am I really just being selfish and is it really a fair trade for me to just do what she wants?

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, pippipcherrio said:

I basically have to everything she wants

No, you don't. You are an adult and can say no to her. 

2 minutes ago, pippipcherrio said:

she pays for all the groceries, most of the rent, wifi, and half of the utilities

What is the reason you can't contribute more financially? Are you in school, or? 

[pippipcherrio]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, you don't. You are an adult and can say no to her. 

What is the reason you can't contribute more financially? Are you in school, or? 

I think it overall just boils down to her having a better job. but yeah, I am in school part time

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, pippipcherrio said:

I think it overall just boils down to her having a better job. but yeah, I am in school part time

She is being abusive to you. 

What is the reason you tolerate this? I would have dumped her and moved out by now. Surely you can find a roommate or alternate housing rather than stick around for this nonsense. 

[pippipcherrio]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She is being abusive to you. 

What is the reason you tolerate this? I would have dumped her and moved out by now. Surely you can find a roommate or alternate housing rather than stick around for this nonsense. 

ive never thought of it as abusive. 

I tolerate it mostly because I love her and I want us to be able to find a way to work it out.

im sure I could find a roommate, but I don't think I can afford to move out anytime soon. 

[Kwothe28]

Have you heard about the term "emotional blackmail"? Well, what you described is basically that. 

You do know that you dont have to succumb to her blackmail? If you wont have groceries for tomorrow she wont have one too. If you dont have sex with her, she wont have one(well unless she cheats lol). Consequences are not exclusive just to you. And at the end of the days, you dont have to suffer emotional blackmail from somebody else. You can just leave. 

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, pippipcherrio said:

ive never thought of it as abusive.

It asbolutely is abusive. 

And it's wrong. She is not a good person. 

[pippipcherrio]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It asbolutely is abusive. 

And it's wrong. She is not a good person. 

hmm, well thanks for your input

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, pippipcherrio said:

ive never thought of it as abusive. 

I tolerate it mostly because I love her and I want us to be able to find a way to work it out.

im sure I could find a roommate, but I don't think I can afford to move out anytime soon. 

You don't love yourself enough or take care of yourself enough if you tolerate being treated in this way by anyone let alone a partner.  Loving someone isn't enough. She may have loving feelings for  you but her actions are not loving. Do you get some sort of thrill of being treated in this way -like you get to try to win her over or it gives you an excuse not to do other stuff "my girlfriend won't let me...."

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, pippipcherrio said:

. anytime I want to hang out with my friends, instead of with her, she says that she won't pay the water bill because if "im going to be selfish, then so is she. , she pays for all the groceries, most of the rent, wifi, and half of the utilities. 

How long have you been dating? How long have you been living together? Is it her place?  How old is she? Where did you live before? 

If you are going to school, please check for financial assistance and with your university about housing. The solution is to find affordable housing and perhaps another part time job. Please also see if you qualify for social services such as food stamps, medical care, job training and placement. 

She shouldn't make you sleep in your car, but paying bills is more important than partying with your friends. She doesn't have to buy you groceries if you can afford to party with friends.  You have choices. 

Why does she have to coerce you and threaten you to stay home with her, having sex/be affectionate with her or spend time with her? Are you just there because it's affordable? 

She doesn't have to support you or house you, and the great news is...You don't have to live there.  Make arrangements asap for other living accomodations. This way you're free to do whatever you want and don't have to answer to anyone. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, pippipcherrio said:

I tolerate it mostly because I love her and I want us to be able to find a way to work it out.

The fact you love her isn't enough, SHE must also love you AND respect you.  Which clearly she does NOT (I'm sorry); no woman who truly loves and respects her man would ever engage in such a blatant display of emotional manipulation.

You are allowed to hang out with your friends or not want to attend a party with her without her making threats or punishing you through withdrawal whether it be food, sex, affection or anything else. 

As another poster mentioned it absolutely IS abusive. Emotional, physical, sexual or any other type of withdrawal to manipulate a person to do as they wish is abusive - emotional abuse.  Research it, learn about it. 

Please leave this toxic person and relationship and work on getting stronger and respecting yourself.  No woman, no person will ever respect you if you first don't respect yourself.

Again, I'm so sorry.  It will hurt for a time but as the saying goes "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." 

Leaving this person and situation will not kill you but staying might, emotionally and mentally.

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, pippipcherrio said:

ive never thought of it as abusive.  I don't think I can afford to move out anytime soon. 

If you were under 18 and she was your mother, not buying you groceries would be "abuse". But she is under no obligation whatsoever to house, feed and support a grown person who wants to party. . She's not holding you captive, you can find alternative housing for yourself anytime you wish. 

[pippipcherrio]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you were under 18 and she was your mother, not buying you groceries would be "abuse". But she is under no obligation whatsoever to house, feed and support a grown man who wants to party. . She's not holding you captive, you can find alternative housing for yourself anytime you wish. 

okay? why did you comment twice within 2 hours lmao? you're making a lot of assumptions. I never said that I was being abused and I even said in another comment that I have never considered it abuse. I don't think she necessarily "houses" me and she sure doesn't "support" me. even if so, I don't see that as completely bad. there's nothing wrong with having a different relationship role from the norm. stay at home girlfriends are a thing. I don't know where in my post I said I wanted to party...I said that she wanted me to go to a party and I didn't want to go. but that was all. other than that I said that she doesn't like for me to hang out with my friends. there's nothing wrong with wanting to hang out with your friends every once and a while. it doesn't mean that me and her don't hang out. this comment just comes off as you being an unhelpful a hole.

[pippipcherrio]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The fact you love her isn't enough, SHE must also love you AND respect you.  Which clearly she does NOT (I'm sorry); no woman who truly loves and respects her man would ever engage in such a blatant display of emotional manipulation.

You are allowed to hang out with your friends or not want to attend a party with her without her making threats or punishing you through withdrawal whether it be food, sex, affection or anything else. 

As another poster mentioned it absolutely IS abusive. Emotional, physical, sexual or any other type of withdrawal to manipulate a person to do as they wish is abusive - emotional abuse.  Research it, learn about it. 

Please leave this toxic person and relationship and work on getting stronger and respecting yourself.  No woman, no person will ever respect you if you first don't respect yourself.

Again, I'm so sorry.  It will hurt for a time but as the saying goes "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." 

Leaving this person and situation will not kill you but staying might, emotionally and mentally.

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thank you

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, pippipcherrio said:

 I have never considered it abuse. . stay at home girlfriends are a thing

If this is your arrangement, perhaps you two need to clarify and renegotiate the terms.

Agree, it's not abuse, she shouldn't ask you to leave the house when she's angry, perhaps find other ways to deescalate and compromise.

However you seem to disagree about spending time with friends or together and some other incompatibilities. 

[Batya33]

The problem is your different relationship role isn’t working. For financial reasons and for financial incompatibility reasons. Totally fine if an individual couple chooses to have one be the main or sole financial provider for whatever reason under the Sun. But your situation is not healthful or respectful or mature. So as a couple it’s not working for you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, pippipcherrio said:

anytime I want to hang out with my friends, instead of with her, she says that she won't pay the water bill because if "im going to be selfish, then so is she" a few days ago, I didn't want to go to a party with her and she told me that if I didn't go, she wouldn't buy groceries. so I had to go because I didn't get paid until days later and we wouldn't have groceries otherwise. anytime I don't want to have sex with her, she makes me sleep in my car. and if I just say im fine with sleeping in my car because I really don't want to have sex, she'll find another way to get me to do it, like telling me that if I don't, ill be sleeping in my car for multiple days.

I basically have to everything she wants, or there will be some type of consequence.

I re-quoted your original post, underlining the most relevant portions. 

In the last paragraph, replace "consequence" with "punishment" which is exactly what this is OP.

This is not healthy or functional, even assuming you both agreed that she is the financial supporter for now.  There are much MUCH better ways of communicating her unhappiness and/or getting her needs met than withholding and punishment.

From Psychology Today:

>>Avoidant abuse is a form of emotional abuse that involves intentionally avoiding or withholding emotional connection, support, and intimacy from a partner or loved one. It can take many forms, such as refusing to communicate, avoiding physical touch or intimacy, or being emotionally distant and unresponsive.<<

Again, please leave and take steps to get stronger and make a promise to yourself that you will never allow another human being to emotionally threaten or manipulate you like this ever again. 

[boltnrun]

Yeah, my ex husband used to say things like "you don't 'contribute' (i.e., have a job), so you don't get a say". Expect he told me he didn't want me to work and wanted me to be a stay at home mom to our child. In other words, he WANTED to be able to control what I did and where I went which is why he didn't want me to work. He wanted to lord it over me. 

Notice I referred to him as my EX husband. 

[Jaunty]

Living together is an adult situation and people need to organize it in mature ways. 

If you don't make enough money to split expenses evenly, you should pay the same percentage of your take-home pay for the water and other utilities, rent, groceries etc. as she does.

Your girlfriend is blackmailing you to try to get you to do things she wants, but it's ridiculous for you to expect her to cover expenses that benefit both of you so that you can use your money for partying.

It doesn't sound like you are ready to be in a "living together" relationship.  

Since your girlfriend isn't here posting, I won't go into details on my opinions of how she's handling your irresponsible behavior but the bottom line is that BOTH of you are equally in the wrong for sharing a household when your priorities regarding how to handle it are so incompatible.

 

[smackie9]

You want this to work? Tell her to shut up about it. Set boundaries in your relationship. Grow a set and stand up to her. Like wow dude, she can't force you to sleep in your car if you live there. Be a man. Don't let her push you around. Tell her to stop being so damn cray cray. 

If she starts threatening you, pack your stuff up in front of her and leave. 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, pippipcherrio said:

anytime I don't want to have sex with her, she makes me sleep in my car.

 This is not just about who pays for what, OP. 

This is plain sickening. If the roles were reversed and a woman came here posting that her boyfriend made her sleep in her car because she didn't want to have sex, I can only imagine the comments. 

Get away from this woman. 

[Coily]

This ranks very high up there as one of the more disturbing posts I have read on here.

I fully agree with MissCanuck, this is a horrifically abusive situation. The constant threats to comply to her wants and needs are disgusting, this isn't a relationship this is an emotional prison. You deserve a lot better than this awful person, who threatens you and your basic dignity.

You need to escape from this situation.

[Coily]

Another thing. This clearly needs to be said for some on here, abuse victims feel trapped. They don't realize they have options to escape abuse. When a battered woman stays because "he says he loves me", we raise the roof and rightfully so. We don't tell her to go "kegel up" and tell the abuser no I have boundaries.

These sort of dough brained takes that are different due to sex agitate me no end. There's no negotiation with an abusive ahole, which the OPs girlfriend clearly is.

[boltnrun]

I agree an abuse victim's mindset is different and often unfathomable to those who are not and have never been abused.

However, as mentioned there is no set answer. I have a friend who told me she deliberately acts out in relationships. Screaming, making demands, throwing things when she doesn't like something her partner does. She told me what she wants is for the guy to grab her by the arm and tell her "stop this BS. Now." And if he does she swoons and falls into his arms. She wants to be dominated and put in her place. She wants a man who will tell her in no uncertain terms that HE is the boss and she better fall in line or he's out. Problem is, most emotionally healthy men won't bother. They'll just leave. And not surprisingly she has a string of broken relationships behind her because of this tendency of hers to deliberately cause conflict. Instead of, you know, just telling the men she dates she desires to be dominated. 

My ex also desired to be dominated, BTW. We didn't work out either. 

So, OP, if you don't like how she treats you, you can tell her it's unacceptable and that she can deal with you as an equal partner or you're out. Or, if you're on board with complying and allowing her to do things like order you to sleep in your car and to demand you perform sex when she says so, there's no need to change anything except maybe ask her to lighten it up just a bit. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, pippipcherrio said:

 I don't think she necessarily "houses" me and she sure doesn't "support" me. even if so, I don't see that as completely bad. . stay at home girlfriends are a thing.

Since you are a stay at home GF, in a same-sex relationship, you may need to redefine the relationship boundaries as far as support. You have the right to go out with friends, but your GF seems resentful about your stay at home GF status if she is complaining about money and using that as leverage.

Please talk to trusted friends and family. She shouldn't ask you to leave when you don't want to have sex, but if you just want to get away from her and be alone, please stay with friends and family. There's no reason to stay in your car.