My Gf Has Low Sex Drive; What Should I Do? My Questions Are Herewith

[rfd1283]

My gf of two years has very low sex drive. We rarely have sex. For a long time I blamed the circumstances. We live two hours apart and she is a single mom with four kids. One is in college, but lives at home. The other two are in high school and the other is in middle school. So she can’t just ditch the kids and come to my place and I can’t sleep over by her. So the opportunities to be alone together a slim. Hotel rooms are out because she says she’s not getting a hotel just for sex. When she first told me that, I thought nothing of it. I didn’t’ think it was a reflection on me. I just felt that its how she felt.

Now it turns out there’s more to it. She recently told me that she “doesn’t like to have sex and never has.” She adds that it has nothing to do with me. I do believe that as she’s alluded to previous issues with her ex-husband and ex bf. I just figured she wasn’t ever with the right guy.  She added that she does like intimacy and being romantic. She likes kissing and cuddling etc. But she doesn’t like sex. So when we do have sex, I guess, she’s doing it for meI have been dwelling on this a lot lately. Its bothering me. I come here with questions. I hear this is a good site for advice. Hoping for some input.

1.     My performance. Early on in our relationship I struggled to get an erection and/or sustain an erection. That’s never really happened before. At least not to this extent. But this was long before she told me she didn’t like sex. So why was I struggling? Could I somehow tell she wasn’t into it, even though she hadn’t said that at that point?

2.     We haven’t had sex since she told me that. But I wonder if I could possibly enjoy it myself during sex with her now? I mean, I guess we like sex, in large-part, because of the way it make us feel physically. But don’t we enjoy knowing or at least believing that the other person is enjoying it? So if one person admits they’re not enjoying it, wouldn’t that take the enjoyment away from the other person?

3.     Can low-sex drive/low libido be treated medically? Would I be out of bounds suggesting she talk to a gynecologist about it? However, low libido, I believe means “decreased interest in sex.” She said she “never has” liked sex. So it can't really decrease, right? Could it be she’s asexual? I read up on that topic and it says “despite lacking sexual attraction, some asexuals engage in purely romantic relationships."

4.     If neither of us are turning each other on then it could be headed for “purely romantic”, or platonic. Would I be off base if I didn’t want to continue along those lines?

5.     Also, while she insists she likes kissing and cuddling and being romantic she doesn’t seem to be affectionate toward me in the slightest. Even before she told me she didn’t like sex, I suspected that she likes having a bf – double dates, going out with a group of couples, going our with her sisters and their husbands, going to weddings together. I think she likes me personally. I think we have a lot in common. And I think I fit with her friends. But I feel like I am merely a companion. Sound like it? Not all bad. I like the social part of it too. But the other stuff is getting to me.

6.     Finally, one time I told her I “loved” her. Her response was “I’m a ***-show.” I didn’t ask her to elaborate. Should I? I obviously never said it again

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, rfd1283 said:

Would I be off base if I didn’t want to continue along those lines?

Nope. You don't 'owe' anyone a relationship you don't want to have. You get to decide whether you want to remain committed to a sexless relationship. If not, you're well within your rights to walk away and find a more suitable relationship.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, rfd1283 said:

. We live two hours apart and she is a single mom with four kids. she can’t just ditch the kids and come to my place and I can’t sleep over by her.   I struggled to get an erection and/or sustain an erection. Would I be out of bounds suggesting she talk to a gynecologist about it? 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? There's definitely a lot of circumstantial and logistical issues.  Unfortunately it seems you're extremely  incompatible as far as sex drives.

Yes it's out of bounds to try to fix her, however the good news is you can see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done and especially discuss the ED and treatment for it.

Perhaps it's time to reconsider the relationship if you're sexually incompatible and it's just becoming frustrating to even see each other no less find privacy for intimacy. 

Set yourself free. Why live a life of insurmountable frustration? 

[smackie9]

It would be best to move on instead of trying to change things. 

[Andrina]

If someone would have to change in major ways for you to be happy, then that person is not the right partner for you.

She's a middle-aged adult who has been married and has children. Don't you think it's occurred to her that she could get her hormones checked and that she could try therapy to see if she has set up emotional barriers concerning intimacy and being affectionate with a partner? She obviously isn't concerned with exactly who she is, nor does she apparently worry that you're dissatisfied, since after you've addressed your concerns, she's done absolutely nothing but carry on as she normally does.

Perhaps your self-worth needs a boost, because that might explain why you've stuck around for this amount of time for something so dissatisfying. Set yourself free to find someone compatible with you in ALL the major ways.

[lostandhurt]

Lets answer these in order.

1. Yes if there is no passion you could totally feel it.  Sometimes we know something is off but cannot put our finger on it or even want to see it.

2. I couldn't have sex with anyone if I knew they did not want to or enjoy it.  She would being doing it out of duty as your gf.  No thanks

3. Yes it can be treated but as you mentioned she has never liked sex for what ever reason.  She has had a long time to seek help so suggesting she see a doctor would be for you, not her.  Don't do it.

4. You completely have the right to end the relationship and in my opinion should end the relationship.  She misled you for a long time and I would guess to make sure she had you hooked and hoped you would eventually stop wanting intimacy.  You had no idea what you were getting into and had you known I doubt you would have gone past a few dates with her.

5. You are more than likely correct that she likes all the bf stuff except sex. Now if she would have told you this upfront and possibly her ex's she might have found a guy that likes all that stuff but not sex too and it would have been a great match.  Unfortunately she didn't until now which makes it a lot harder to end this.

6. Nope!  I would have walked right then and there.  There are a lot of responses to "I love you" that are not "I love you too" if they are not feeling it but telling someone that is harsh and uncaring.  Not sure how you made it this far with this woman.

 Time to end this so you can one day meet someone that will be honest with you, enjoy your touch, feel passion for you and have the capacity to love.  Your current gf lacks all of these.

Lost

[rfd1283]

Thank you everyone for the great responses. I'm glad I found this site. It seems very helpful. Now I have come follow-up comments and questions:

1. Fixing her. It seems like most here think I shouldn't suggest she sees a doctor. Fair enough. But the first time I couldn't perform, she was trying to basically convey that it's ok. And she said, "don't worry about it. If it's an issue, we will do something about it, like a lot of other people." So, in other word, I could see a doctor. So from that standpoints, I could suggest she see a doctor too. Right

2. E.D. I did get treatment for it. But I don't think that's the issue and neither did my doctor. As I seem to work well with her predecessor and others. I don't think E.D. is selective - meaning you struggle to have sex and sometimes you don't. If you struggle with one woman and not another, I don't that's E.D. Although, I will admit, treatment is awesome. Because even if it's "working" to begin with, treatment makes it work even better.

3. Somebody asked her age. 57. But I don't think age is relevant, because she claims she has "never" liked sex, so it's not a recent thing.

4. Somebody pointed out that I knew something was off even before she told me she didn't like sex. So subliminally, I could tell she was interested in sex and therefore I myself wasn't into it, subconsciously?

5. Capacity for love. Somebody brought that up and I think it's right on. Is that what she means by replying to "I love you" by saying "I'm a *** show."? 

6. But she does seem to like my touch. She likes to kiss, cuddle, etc. WIthout getting overly graphic, she does enjoy when I do other things to her. And I know that because of her physical reaction/bodily reaction. Is that odd? She likes some things, but not actual sex?

7. I let it go when she did not respond to "I love you", because it was early on and alcholol was involved. To be honest, I don't know if I felt that way at that point. Drunk talk? Sex talk? Not sure. But I know I haven't repeated it.  

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, rfd1283 said:

 E.D. I did get treatment for it. But I don't think that's the issue and neither did my doctor. 

Hopefully you can work things out. But she doesn't seem to be compatible as far as libidos and sexuality. Besides the incompatibilities, there's a lot of logistical problems. 

It's good you are getting treated for ED, please don't compare her to her "predecessors". Each situation is different and yes, ED is situational and treatable.  To be honest, a lot of women say "oh it's ok" but it's really not. Keep your prescription up to date. 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/erectile-dysfunction/symptoms-causes/syc-20355776

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, rfd1283 said:

1. ...I could suggest she see a doctor too. Right

There are no 'wrong' answers for you to choose. You can suggest to GF anything you'd like to raise. We can't predict how well she would respond to suggestions.

Quote

...she does enjoy when I do other things to her. And I know that because of her physical reaction/bodily reaction. Is that odd? She likes some things, but not actual sex?

You'd need to ask her how she feels about this. A woman's body is capable of responding to stimulation regardless of how she may emotionally feel about it or mentally perceive the experience.

For instance, this is why some women have trouble recognizing a molestation, and therefore would prefer to rationalize it rather than report it. They may have fought off the physical approach, or they froze in terror, even while their body 'parts' responded as nature intended.

This does not imply that your GF feels molested, but rather, it's to explain the importance of paying attention to what a woman VOICES about her own experiences.

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, rfd1283 said:

" So, in other word, I could see a doctor. So from that standpoints, I could suggest she see a doctor too. Right

No, it's not comparable. Why? Because you clearly wanted sex to go differently and wanted to perform the way you usually do. She doesn't appear to be bothered by the fact the doesn't like sex and hasn't expressed a desire to change that (if I'm understanding correctly) So suggesting she seek medical advice for something she doesn't view as problematic is not going to help. 

15 hours ago, rfd1283 said:

Is that odd? She likes some things, but not actual sex?

What difference does it make if it's odd? She likes some acts but not intercourse. Whether or not it's strange changes nothing. 

15 hours ago, rfd1283 said:

Capacity for love. Somebody brought that up and I think it's right on. Is that what she means by replying to "I love you" by saying "I'm a *** show."? 

She seems content to have you as a companion, and some intimacy, but not more. Where you are now with her is likely all it will ever be. She keeps you at arm's length too much for you two to progress. 

Personally, I would have already ended it. You and she want completely different types of relationships and you're understanably disppointed by the lack of sex and sexual desire from her.  It doesn't make sense to continue dating her. 

[ShySoul]

Sex is an enjoyable part of a relationship. However it is not a requirement to a relationship. In fact, it seems to happen more then you would think:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202309/how-common-are-sexless-marriages#:~:text=Data from nationally representative US,(14–15 percent).

The reality of people is that we all have different sex drives. Some people like a lot. Some are asexual and don't feel anything from it. Some people may respond to certain types of sexual or physcial activity, but not others. Some see it as mainly physical. Some people are more into the emotional aspects. There isn't a problem with her nor is there anything to fix. If she has never enjoyed it, then it has nothing to do with you. This is who she is and she's entitled to her own feelings on the subject. As you are yours.

The issue here, as is often the case, is not really about sex. The issue is what do you want out of a relatonship? If a couple has a deep emotional bond and are fine in showing they care about each other in other ways, then you don't need sex to make a relationship work. So, honestly ask yourself, how is that bond? Do you feel you are getting your emotional needs fulfilled by your time with her? If not, have you really talked to her about it? Is she willing to show you the affection you feel you are missing? Likewise, are you willing to accept her as she is, even if that means little sex?

From the article posted above: "In fact, 47 percent of participants reported staying in a sexless marriage because they felt that, aside from the lack of sex, they had the ideal partner." So is this the ideal partner for you?

[boltnrun]

I personally will not stay in a relationship if there is no sex (actual intercourse). If I wanted a cuddle buddy I'd get a teddy bear or a pet. And most of the other sex acts I could do for myself, so that's not going to be a satisfactory substitute. Emotional connections are great but I want sex too. 

(And I'm not talking about if my partner who I was in love with was no longer able to due to a medical issue.)

It's entirely up to you if you are willing to completely give up intercourse or rarely have it. It seems she has clearly stated she doesn't mind not having sex. Do you?

[ShySoul]

Personally, if I was with someone I really felt there was mutually love and understanding with, then I would easily forego intercourse. Honestly, just the sensation of holding someone special, feeling their warmth against you, hearing their soft sighs, and sensing in the core of your being the connection you have.... that's a bigger thrill to me then any sexual act.

Besides, no intercourse just gives you more of an opportunity to get creative. There is a multitude of ways to be physical and intimate. A little imagination and the sky's the limit.

Ultimately, the question is what are you comfortable with?

On 1/25/2024 at 6:29 PM, rfd1283 said:

Finally, one time I told her I “loved” her. Her response was “I’m a ***-show.” I didn’t ask her to elaborate

That could mean anything. What is she like, outside of not wanting sex? Has she gone through something in her past that may be affecting her actions and feelings about herself now? Was her tone proud to describe herself like that? Or was it surprise that someone could actually love her when she thinks she's a mess? You said she's a single mom with four children. That's not an easy life. Her life has to revolve being able to care for them. I don't imagine it's easy to find a guy who would take on that level of responsibility in addition to the issues that come with any relationship. Also, what caused her to be a single mom? Is the father (or fathers) still in the picture? Did something tragic happen? 

There could be a lot of things going on that would affect her feelings about herself, and you. Add in that alcohol was involed, and anything said by either party could mean anything. The only way to figure things out is to talk it over together, each figuring out just what you want from a relationship and seeing if the other person is the one who can give it to you.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, ShySoul said:

"In fact, 47 percent of participants reported staying in a sexless marriage because they felt that, aside from the lack of sex, they had the ideal partner."

Yes, I read something similar in article about 'mature companionate love.'

The degrees of physical touch varied, as did the degrees of sexual activity. I loved the response of one couple to the question, "How frequently do you have intercourse?" He laughed, and she asked, "Can we change the question to 'outercourse'?"

[ShySoul]

9 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

He laughed, and she asked, "Can we change the question to 'outercourse'?"

Well, some of those "outercourse" activities can be quite enjoyable... 😉