My Boyfriend is Growing Distant

[Charpal23]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 months going on 3. We’ve known each other since high school and recently reconnected. From then, everything has been going great. We talk everyday and see each other every chance we can. The last time I saw him was when we spent new years together. But lately, I’ve noticed he’s been pretty distant. He doesn’t call like he used to or seems like he doesn’t have any energy to see me in person and we live less than 10 minutes away from each other. The last time he talked on the phone, he seemed stressed out and said that his year isn’t starting off great. Before our talk, I mentioned that he doesn’t call like he used to and I noticed that when I send him cute pictures of me, he doesn’t compliment me. I know he’s been pretty stressed out with school lately, but I’m not sure if I am apart of him being stressed out (even though I don’t feel like I am?). His last text to me was to ‘have a good day’ and I said ‘you too’. It’s been two days since that text and now I’m worried. This is the longest we haven’t talked. I really want to give him space to figure his problems out on his own, but at the same time I want to show him that I care as well. He knows I’m always there for him because I told him a while back, but he also doesn’t like to ask for help and is hyper-independent. I am not sure how to go about this situation. 

[ShySoul]

I'm a male who doesn't like to ask others for help. I don't want to burden them with my troubles when I know they probably have their own problems to deal with. I'm also a private person who doesn't like to reveal too much about myself as I know it can come back to hurt me. But I also realize that keeping everything in isn't healthy. So when I am having a rough time, I'm not looking for someone to do anything specific. I really just want to know someone is there, that they care about me, and that they are available if and when I'm ready to talk. Just hearing that is often enough to life my spirits. From there, distract me with something to make me smile. 

I doubt his mood has anything to do with you. I say be honest with him about your feelings. Tell him you know he's going though something and that you are concerned. Say what you told us, that you want to give him space but are worried and are there for him if he wants help or to talk. Even if you told him before, it's always nice to hear it again. And sometimes it takes several times of being told before us thickheaded guys will be willing to open up. 😉 Maybe offer to do something fun with him, one of his favorite activities, to try to put him in a better mood. 

[Charpal23]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

I'm a male who doesn't like to ask others for help. I don't want to burden them with my troubles when I know they probably have their own problems to deal with. I'm also a private person who doesn't like to reveal too much about myself as I know it can come back to hurt me. But I also realize that keeping everything in isn't healthy. So when I am having a rough time, I'm not looking for someone to do anything specific. I really just want to know someone is there, that they care about me, and that they are available if and when I'm ready to talk. Just hearing that is often enough to life my spirits. From there, distract me with something to make me smile. 

I doubt his mood has anything to do with you. I say be honest with him about your feelings. Tell him you know he's going though something and that you are concerned. Say what you told us, that you want to give him space but are worried and are there for him if he wants help or to talk. Even if you told him before, it's always nice to hear it again. And sometimes it takes several times of being told before us thickheaded guys will be willing to open up. 😉 Maybe offer to do something fun with him, one of his favorite activities, to try to put him in a better mood. 

He’s never had any issues opening up to me and being vulnerable, I’m just very confused at this specific moment. I’m thinking maybe it’s something really serious. Thank you for the response 🙂

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like he is losing interest, if I am being honest. 

I would give it a few more days, and then call him. It's okay to be honest with him that you notice he doesn't seem keen to keep this going, and ask him if he still has the bandwidth to continue dating. 

You may not get the answer you're hoping to hear, but you can't go on indefinitely watching him drift away either. 

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but he seems to be fizzling out. That has "break up" written all over it. 2 days and just "Have a good day" message? That is just disconnecting totally.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Charpal23 said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 months. The last time he talked on the phone, he seemed stressed out and said that his year isn’t starting off great. Before our talk, I mentioned that he doesn’t call like he used to . He knows I’m always there for him .

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Does he work as well as go to school? Does he live with parents?

How did you reconnect? Are either of you recently out of other relationships? 

Unfortunately it seems like the conversation about his year "not starting out well" was an indirect break up talk.

Unfortunately he does seem to be fading out. Please step back. You've mentioned that lack of communication and seeing each other and his reply was to pull back even more. 

He knows how to get in touch with you so all you can do is observe. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Canuck and Kwok and please don't "confront" him with the "you don't bring me flowers anymore" - do you really want him to comment on your looks in photos out of obligation? Also if you were seeing each other so often why are you sending him photos of you? How about when you see someone often let them be -give space -let the person miss you and be excited about seeing you in person fairly soon? I have friends who regularly post photos on FB for accolades and applause and compliments from their friends, SOs, partners - I mean really? Why? It comes across as so needy IMHO and in a brand new dating relationship at some point it's overkill.  

I'll put that aside because the other truth is -no matter what you did or didn't do - at 2-3 months very often people reflect whether a dating relationship has serious long term potential.  Especially if it's around the holidays or birthdays so the photos and emojis and texts he delighted in seeing and sending - not so much anymore.  I'm sorry!! So  -I will not assume you did anything wrong AND I suggest maybe you pull back on the regular sending of texts and photos right in the beginning even if the other person is all over it in that way. Let it be like layers of a package unwrapping over a longer period of time.

I'd give him twice the space he seems to need for two reasons -if he just is in a brief lull -he'll show up again full force and soon.  If not then you will have started the process of separating from him.  

(I don't think he's hyperindependent at all -from what you wrote -seems like a normal person who has his own life and interests and also enjoyed being with you).

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Charpal23 said:

 I send him cute pictures of me, he doesn’t compliment me. I know he’s been pretty stressed out with school lately, but I’m not sure if I am apart of him being stressed out 

Is this the same man?

 

[Charpal23]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this the same man?

 

Yes. Fortunately we’ve gotten past that after I posted this. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 hours ago, Charpal23 said:

We talk everyday and see each other every chance we can...

This^ is too much during initial and early stages.

Combined with you constantly sending him "cute" photos of yourself for validation, expecting him to compliment you and confronting him about why he doesn't and why he doesn't call you every day,  etc etc, yes he feels pressured and stressed!  And rightfully so imo.

And it's not becsuse of 'school,' the relationship is stressing him out, it's too much, and it's clear at least imo he's backing away, introducing distance and space to regroup and decide what he wants long term (if anything) or he's intentionally fading out hoping YOU pull the plug.

My advice is leave him be for now.  You've already reached out.  Reaching out again even if it's to say "I'm here for you" after you've already confronted him, will only add more pressure.

If he fades or ghosts, so be.  

You can't control what others do including how they choose to end a relationship, you can only control how you react to it.

Anyway, perhaps it won't come to that, but again for now do nothing, leave him alone, continue living your life and see what happens.

If he wants to talk to you and/or see you, he knows where to find you. 

 

 

[reinventmyself]

9 hours ago, Charpal23 said:

Yes. Fortunately we’ve gotten past that after I posted this. 

No. No you haven't.  You don't trust he will come to you.  So, you keep going to him for reassurance.  Same thing but different circumstances.

I read somewhere that relationships pass through milestones.  3 months amd you step back to reevaluate if this is the path you want to go on.  There were a couple other milestones, I don't recall exactly but all having to do with reassessing what you want.  At month 3 it either turns the corner or it falls to side.  But it's very typical for one of the two to pull away.

If someone is creating space most times it's not a good idea to close in on the space they seem to be asking for.  It's never easy, but given everything you've shared you need to sit on your hands with this one.  He's knows how you feel and where to find you.

[ShySoul]

This could be over the relationship, but there is really no way to tell unless he comes out and says it. It could also be something else entirely and your support may make a difference to him. You know him best, so what do you think the issue is? Personally, I still think it never hurts to let someone know you are there for them. Worse case scenario, he takes it as you pressuring him and pushes you away. In that case, he shows himself to be someone who would reject you giving an act of kindness and shows he's not the kind of person you should want to be with.

Have you really dealt with the past issue? Or is part of you still concerned he may be thinking about those other girls? Is there a chance you want him to compliment your pictures because you are comparing yourself to the models he was looking at and are worried you aren't enough? You may have worked everything out and that really is in the past. In that case, good for you. But I've seen how trust issues linger even when people think it's better. So please, make sure you are fully okay with things. There are two people in the relationship, and both people should have their feelings heard and respected.

 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

No. No you haven't.  You don't trust he will come to you.  So, you keep going to him for reassurance.  Same thing but different circumstances.

I read somewhere that relationships pass through milestones.  3 months amd you step back to reevaluate if this is the path you want to go on.  There were a couple other milestones, I don't recall exactly but all having to do with reassessing what you want.  At month 3 it either turns the corner or it falls to side.  But it's very typical for one of the two to pull away.

If someone is creating space most times it's not a good idea to close in on the space they seem to be asking for.  It's never easy, but given everything you've shared you need to sit on your hands with this one.  He's knows how you feel and where to find you.

I agree. No need for him to say words. Watch the feet -what he does -not the lips.

[smackie9]

When someone goes distant on you, you ask what you can do to help or what you can expect from him like does he need space, want to take a break, etc. If that isn't adequate or fulfill your expectations, you call it quits. No one that is respectfully interested in you would do that crap.  I find it immature to not communicate truthfully....to me that is a requirement of yours, and if he ain't doing it, then he's not worth your time. 

[catfeeder]

On 1/13/2024 at 8:19 PM, reinventmyself said:

If someone is creating space most times it's not a good idea to close in on the space they seem to be asking for.  It's never easy, but given everything you've shared you need to sit on your hands with this one.  He's knows how you feel and where to find you.

I agree. If you keep pressing him to respond a certain way, you'll be working against yourself. I'd pull back and allow him to reach out when he wants to. When he does, I'd respond in a gentle and welcoming way rather than quiz him to explain himself. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 1/13/2024 at 8:41 PM, ShySoul said:

This could be over the relationship, but there is really no way to tell unless he comes out and says it. It could also be something else entirely and your support may make a difference to him.

Normally I would agree with bolded however in this case, she has already reached out and he's still stressed and distancing. 

Sometimes we just need to use our intuition and common sense. We don't need him to "say the words" his actions (or in this case lack thereof) say way more than "words" ever could. 

OP, I would start emotionally preparing yourself for this being done, I'm sorry. 

That's what my intuition is telling me based on everything you have posted.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I agree. If you keep pressing him to respond a certain way, you'll be working against yourself. I'd pull back and allow him to reach out when he wants to. When he does, I'd respond in a gentle and welcoming way rather than quiz him to explain himself. 

Requoting this^ for emphasis. With one caveat.

"When/IF he does..."

He may not, in which case you pick yourself up, shake that sh*t off and take steps to move on.

Learn from it.