My stubborn boss

[Jaunty]

@Alex39 -  Wow.  

Your recent posts were actually hard to read.    Others here who have run a business of any kind and some  who have worked in other peoples' small businesses are probably cringing like I am.

You were hired by someone at part time, minimum wage.   Your role was / is to HELP that person run her business in the way SHE wants it run.  Not overrun her.

In what world do you think that a business owner, no matter how small-time, is going to hire somebody at the level you were hired at and allow them to completely override every vision they had for that business.?  

If she wanted to completely revamp her image, her financial / fee structure, she could and would have hired a qualified consultant who was on board with helping her realize her vision for the business.

She didn't.  

If she said she wanted you to "run the business," she would have meant maintaining her basic bookkeeping, receipts, payables.   She may have appreciated hearing ideas you may have had for increasing sales and given you the go-ahead on some of them.   Not if they were presented to her as if she were inept and you were an expert.  Especially not if your ideas for her fitness studio were exactly the opposite of what she wanted to create.

If you were going to become a full partner with her in her business, that would have come later, after the two of you had developed a successful working relationship.   Of course that would not have every happened because you and she are from two different worlds.

Seems that she is "artsy" and wanted a cozy bohemian type of vibe, while you seem to be rooting for a very generic, suburban, "Anytime Fitness" thing.   Bad fit.

Really, really entitled vibe coming off from you, Alex.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

. And her saying that I know nothing about business is not true and I reiterated my direct experiences. 

This is a flash in the pan job.  She'll fire you soon enough. You don't have to list it as a reference. However it's interesting she told you you're not good with business. It seems to be the case because you can't handle your finances and you wanted to completely rearrange her business model to your strange  concept . People who know what they're doing don't have to implode something to make it work. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I didn't burn myself or her. I was very professional with my email. I was professional and factual. I didn't down her. I acknowledged that she wants things a certain way and I will get right on doing that for her. I acknowledged facts that I have asked her every step of the way about changes and made sure she okay'd them before I did them. 

I did mention that I was offended. Because she was cruel when we spoke. And her saying that I know nothing about business is not true and I reiterated my direct experiences. 

I don't think your email sounded professional.  Hope she doesn't know the people you want to work with.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think your email sounded professional.  Hope she doesn't know the people you want to work with.

Nothing involving "I'm offended" is professional.  

[Alex39]

So she actually called me today. She said she liked how professional my email was and was very impressed that I was so factual and non-emotional or confrontational. She admitted that she is a very slow mover and thinker and that she did say yes to things for me to do, and then it took her a long time to actually think about them after,  and then she did completely change her mind and realized that she didn't want them. And she admitted that she thinks she has a learning disability and has been told this by professionals. And how it takes her months to think on decisions for the business. 

So I told her how I'm a very fast mover and that we obviously got our wires crossed at some point. I told her to just be more clear with me and that if she doesn't know, to say that clearly, and tell me that she needs months to think on it, instead of just agreeing to things quickly under pressure. Because then she ends up not wanting it. And then I won't be blindsided by her unhappiness. I told her I was blindsided by her unhappiness, because she had agreed to changes I made and sales were good, so I didn't see an issue. She said she can completely see how I would feel and think that way. 

We were both extremely respectful and I was extremely kind to her. 

 I'm a very upfront, confident communicator. I've had to be in my regular career. I started out at 21 in the business world. I was shy, timid, inexperienced. And I had people eat me up and spit me out. And I had people say that they didn't trust me with work because I was unsure, not confident. So I "man-ned" up, and I started learning, soaking in those around me, and projecting confidence and taking ownership of myself and my work. I work with all people twice my age who look at me as a young gun. And I need to reassure them that I am a confident and reliable professional who knows her stuff. Inside, do I always feel confident- no. And I'm definitely not confident with men.

But outwardly you can ask anyone at my regular 9-5 and they will say I'm knowledgeable, professional, and they trust me to get the job done. I even have LinkedIn reviews stating as much. I think I went into this side hustle too confident, but that's what I'm used to being. In my regular job, I have tons of clients who rely on my confidence to lead them every day. They trust me with their decisions and their future. 

She is a very unsure scared to communicate person. That's why it ended up all messed up, I think. And she isn't confident in thr business. When I hear her talk about fitness, she lights up, and is confident. But when I hear her talk about the business, she gets very unsure, clams up, doesn't know information she should know, and can't make decisions. She's always trying to convince me of her qualifications, which is like odd. 

She tried to make excuses saying how when we spoke on the date I brought up, that she was distracted as it was her friends birthday, so she did say yes to things and price changes, but she doesn't even remember it.

Well thats not my fault. 

I think she was overly shocked that I had exact dates of times when she confirmed things for the business. She said I immensely impressed her with my speech and level of detail in the email. 

She says she really does appreciate my work, like my work, and appreciates my past experience and schooling. But that she cannot pay me any more money at this time. 

I expressed to her that I do want her to not only be happy with my work, but comfortable as a business owner and I strive to make her business a success.

I think she sees that her communication and clarity as an owner was poor.

So as I sat down to do more work for her today, and had her on the phone, I made it clear and asked her 3 times before I did anything. And I kept saying- so this is okay with you, yes? And confirmed it again, and again. 

And had her confirm many times. And I told her I was asking like this so I had clarity and she felt her decisions were being followed. I felt a bit like I was talking to a kid. 

I do respect that she owns the business. I see that the business can be great. But I think a business owner who is unsure and not confident, as she is, does make it much harder. Not being able to make business decisions for months definitely slows down progress. 

But I see now how she works and she sees how I am a fast mover. We are just opposites. We buried the hatchet so we could move on. And I do appreciate her calling me. 

I am going to keep working there, but still pursue other jobs that pay a bit more in my area. And because I do pride myself on being professional,  if I do decide to leave her, I will help her replace me and make sure it's on positive terms.  

[Seraphim]

Ah ,yes, of course all her fault. 🙄

 

[Starlight925]

There's a saying that applies to people like her, where you see that her efforts are going to cause her business to circle the drain, yet she doesn't want your input:

Napoleon:  "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake".

In other words, if you see someone you perceive as adversarial (which you clearly do), step back and let her make the mistakes.  Bow out gracefully, live your own life.  If she flounders, then at least you won't be left suddenly without a job.  If she thrives, then good for her.

Every single person on this board can tell you a nightmare boss story.  I can tell you many.  Screaming, 4-letter word yelling, illegal actions, you name it.

But the big lesson is:

Learn to bow out gracefully.

[Jaunty]

What is the job description for your current full time work?   

Sorry, Alex, but you are floundering here. 

 

[MissCanuck]

For someone who is so educated and experienced in business, you are making an awful lot of rookie mistakes with your employer. 

The second-hand embarrassment is real. 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

There's a saying that applies to people like her, where you see that her efforts are going to cause her business to circle the drain, yet she doesn't want your input

There is a good chance that this business owner is not quite the sorry loser that the OP is making her out to be.    

 

[LootieTootie]

You write her a scathing "professional" response and she calls you and tells you she's sorry and all is good in Lala Land? 

I am sorry, I just don't know how to say this any way that's not mean but you have to realize how dumb it is to play CEO with a minimum pay when you are a 30-something year old American who went to grad school and have had jobs in the past and should know that if anyone pays you minimum wage, its because thats how they see you - an undervalue staff. You going the extra miles - that is on you and demonizing her for wanting to run her business how she see fits. Just wow.... the oblivion in you is strong, Alex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

I haven't read all the comments but read most of them. Your boss sounds difficult but I actually really get a sense from all your posts that you're extremely opinionated and you're a bit of a control freak. You always have really strong (mostly subjective) opinions about everyone and everything.

You get really invested in everyone's life which is not your life. Yet you always think that people should be living their life and doing everything exactly as YOU think. You do it to your friends, colleagues, your boss, guys you like. You're also actually very judgemental. You're always finding something wrong with everyone and everything. You wrote things like your married friend is poor and lives with her parents, why doesn't she move out. Your friend Pam doesn't date and lives with her Mum - what a loser. The army guy you like has no job, lives with his parents, etc. Yet you always say how superior you are to everyone.

First of all, you shouldn't care how people live their life or what choices they make unless it directly affects you. You also get extremely fixated on people who aren't even part of your life and for some reason begin to dissect everything about them. One time you were writing about how you were watching your friend's son's girlfriend eat and that she wasn't eating much and is she anorexic. And why was she wasting the meal? You are saying you're really busy and have so much going for you. So why are you acting like someone who is really bored and have nothing better to do than micro manage how people should live their life?

You are doing exactly the same thing with your boss now. She's running her business a certain way and you don't like it. But it's HER business. So if you don't like it you should just quit the job. You can't control this woman, what she thinks or does. And she's a nobody to you as well. She's not your friend or family or boyfriend. So who cares if she has no customers? Stop getting obsessed with trying to fix everything and everyone.

 

[Alex39]

Yup, I'm a horrible person.  I over give, over help, over judge, have the highest of expectations. I hate it, I hate myself. I've never fit in with anyone. I'm not normal. And I hate being this way. But for goodness sake, would you have a bit of compassion for me. I do always have great intentions. I go over and above with my intentions and I do care. If you ask those around me, they always say my biggest trait is I have the biggest heart. 

I was raised this way. I was treated this way all growing up. It's all I know. I've struggled with it my whole life. It's all I'm used to. I'm an over-emotional, over-achiever, who was expected to constantly be perfect my entire life. 

I've been diagnosed with OCD where I fixate on things. It makes sense. 

I have a therapist. Been in therapy for years. It isn't helping that much. It's helped me see that I can break free of my family more. But I was raised a certain way for 30 years of my life. I was treated and am still treated a certain way by my family. To be perfect or I'm unattractive, unintelligent, unlovable, and unworthy. So yes, I project that onto others. I hate it. I hate hate hate it. But it's so easy for you all to say, Oh just don't do it. 

My natural instinct, my natural feelings, how I was raised is not just going to go poof and not be there and I become a completely different person.  I have high standards for myself and I do project that onto others, because that was always projected onto me. I see what people could be. I was expected to be the most responsible,  the most everything. I was expected to be an adult when I was a kid and when I acted like a kid or a teen it was wrong. Mistakes should be avoided at all costs. That's what I was raised  like. I was the good, quiet child, that never explored or branched out. I did what my parents wanted me to do. 

I feel for the last so many years I've been in a huge transition in my life. I feel lost, confused, unworthy,  emotional, harsh, lonely, and struggling on almost a daily basis. I fight depression off regularly. I strive to get out, go to the gym, do my best, look my best, be my most intelligent,  and have it all, all the time. Then I hide like a hermit from all the pressure I put on myself in an overwhelming state. I've been trying to figure out who I am for years. When things go great in my life, I think wow, I'm getting somewhere. But it never lasts. I've been on a roller coaster of great responsible decisions and bad luck for years. And my choosing of men and friends and treatment taken from others has been horrible. I know. I beat myself up over it almost daily. 

So I know how I am. Thank God for my family and my pets, because if I was alone I'd probably be dead. They love me and need me. And I love God so much too. My religion had helped me through. 

So gosh, please have some compassion for me. I seek it and need it. I'm not kind to myself. Its something I've been working on in therapy. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I've been diagnosed with OCD where I fixate on things. It makes sense. II Have a therapist. Been in therapy for years. It isn't helping that much.    I fight depression off regularly. 

Why don't you see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done?  Therapy is a good idea but it's supportive and clearly not helping.  

[Alex39]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why don't you see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done?  Therapy is a good idea but it's supportive and clearly not helping.  

Already did. I'm healthy in that sense. Tests were normal.

I am just who I am. I try to just accept me and try to be a good person. That's why the criticism on here hurts. Because I have good intentions in my life. I try hard every day. I try hard at work. I try hard on my appearance.  I try hard with my family and relationships. I try hard to get life right. I was trying hard for this woman boss. I try hard for my pets, at my home, for my education.  I try hard. I care. No one besides my family ever gives me credit for it or supports me emotionally. There is some issue, some road block, always something. I get up every day and I am trying. And I sometimes have days where I sit all day exhausted from trying so hard. And I have no one but my family that acknowledges me for just being me and trying hard to be good, and fit, and smart,  and perfect. No one to just say- hey I see your struggle or I see your heart. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I am just who I am. I try to just accept me and try to be a good person. That's why the criticism on here hurts. 

Alex, you're the most toxic person in your life. Your self loathing is extremely clear. However it's the fibbing and narcissistic rants about your amazing wonderful awesomeness that you have no insight into. Then you expect pity.

Please understand psychiatrists treat depression. Psychiatrists are not for people rocking back and forth in straight jackets, they're for people like you who have chemical imbalances, eating disorders, OCD and maladaptive coping skills. Once you step off the high horse, maybe you'll be willing to help yourself..

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Already did. I'm healthy in that sense. Tests were normal.

I am just who I am. I try to just accept me and try to be a good person. That's why the criticism on here hurts. Because I have good intentions in my life. I try hard every day. I try hard at work. I try hard on my appearance.  I try hard with my family and relationships. I try hard to get life right. I was trying hard for this woman boss. I try hard for my pets, at my home, for my education.  I try hard. I care. No one besides my family ever gives me credit for it or supports me emotionally. There is some issue, some road block, always something. I get up every day and I am trying. And I sometimes have days where I sit all day exhausted from trying so hard. And I have no one but my family that acknowledges me for just being me and trying hard to be good, and fit, and smart,  and perfect. No one to just say- hey I see your struggle or I see your heart. 

The thing is, you don't actually have to try as hard as what you're trying. Sometimes it's really just not required. For example, if your boss is paying you minimal salary then I think you just need to do the needed work and just leave it at that. I understand that she asked you to market her business and of course that's your role at your job so no problem there. But you seem to get extremely emotionally invested very fast in people who aren't reciprocating your feelings or efforts. This woman actually isn't in your life in a personal or familiar capacity  - she is your boss. Your relationship with her is professional. You're so offended that she "doesn't appreciate you" but no offence she doesn't have to appreciate you on some high level. You are her employee who is doing a job for her but you do actually get paid for it. You aren't a volunteer there.

For example, if a plumber comes and does work for me then sure I'll say thank you to them. But I wouldn't be like: "OMG you are so amazing! Thank you soo much!" and give them a box of chocolates and flowers. You get hurt a lot because your expectations are extremely high. You are always expecting a lot of praise and gratitude and when you don't get it you feel like you're not appreciated. It doesn't mean you're not appreciated but you aren't actually doing anything out of the ordinary a lot of the time. I'm sure you're a nice person but you say you always go "above and beyond" but yet it doesn't seem that way. 

Like, you'll say you went above and beyond because you organised a dinner with your friends or you gave a friend a baby shower present or doing things for your boss. But it's normal to do those things for friends and you're doing that work for your boss because you get paid. If you're doing way more than required from your role then you don't have to do that. Like, if I stay back at work two hours because I'm trying to impress my boss, I can't get mad if they don't praise me. Because they never actually asked me to do that.

I think it's a really good idea to continue therapy. It really doesn't seem like your work there is done. Are you on any medication for your OCD? I understand that OCD is a debilitating mental illness and of course it's not your fault that you have it. But unfortunately I think your OCD manifests itself in trying to control and micro manage everything. And you become really stressed and burnt out because you're trying to control things that are simply out of your control. There is nothing you can do about what dress your friend wears, what guys your friends date, what people eat, etc. 

[Batya33]

Yes to all Tinydance wrote in these posts.  And no one is asking you to become a completely different person.  Baby steps (which I've written to you many times).  You won't even take a toddler first step, not even a creep movement which babies sometimes do before even crawling.  I any thing you double down.

No it hasn't been 30 years Alex - the last 10-12 have been you choosing to be this enmeshed with your mother. No it's not all you know.  It might be easier to rationalize or go home to your mother as some sort of the devil I know is better than.... (no your mother is not a devil -just using the phrase!)

I'm 57 and yesterday I had to say no to more work which is highly unusual for me to do and it goes against what is comfortable for me.  I had to poof be a different person in my mindset and reaction and attitude. I had to self-talk about limits/boundaries/not being superwoman at my part time job and sacrificing even more sleep/me time, etc.  I can blame how I was raised too (work ethic is a really good thing -I tend a bit much towards type A/wanting to say yes when it's not in my best interest).  You're not the only one.

I don't think you should continue in this job unless you're ready to have a minimum wage/assistant role.  (Others have described that role beautifully).

[LootieTootie]

Alex, I don't have all the answers for you but for this specific problem or situationship you have here with your boss, please know the reason why you're not getting compassion or pity is because you did this to yourself.

Once you acknowledge that you made a ding-dong decision to play CEO for a minimum salary and don't insert any BUTS, you realize that this is on you. 

It's OK to make mistakes, thats how you learn. But first you need to say "Oh my bad. I am being silly here. What can I do to stop being silly?"

Also, it's silly to say you were raised for 30 years a certain way... No, Alex, you've been a certain way for 30 years. 

 

[Seraphim]

You aren’t horrible , Alex. You are a confused human being. If you aren’t really being helped by your current therapist you need to switch it up and be more challenged. You can also take medications in tandem with therapy and that usually has the best outcome . My husband has OCD he is well under control with medication and his other mental health issues have been successfully been treated. I personally don’t think you are horrible. I do think your attitude needs an adjustment but only YOU can affect that . 

[boltnrun]

Alex, you're not horrible.  But you are misinformed with the decisions you're making.  You overly praise yourself and overly criticize others, insisting if they did things YOUR way their lives would be much better.  But do you truly have any of the things in life you say you want?  If not, maybe consider you don't have all the answers. 

I think you're a lot more like your mother than you realize.

You also point to your mother as a source of comfort and support, but she's overly critical, says mean things to you and questions every decision you make.  How is that support?  I think this is key.

You have all the control over how you choose to construct your life.  Of course you can't control what others do, but you can stop putting yourself (and staying) in situations that are clearly not the right ones for you such as this job and the ex boyfriend.  Everything is and was screaming at you that it wasn't going to work but you plowed on anyway, I guess because you feel stepping away is failure or quitting?  But smart people know when something isn't right.  Stepping away from those situations is a victory, not a failure.

Maybe try giving yourself permission to leave situations that don't serve you.  And don't get into situations that are the opposite of what's best for you, such as taking on a stressful side job that pays peanuts or trying to force a relationship with someone who's lukewarm toward you and who can go days and weeks without seeing you. Be your own best friend and source of support.

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

The thing is, you don't actually have to try as hard as what you're trying. Sometimes it's really just not required. For example, if your boss is paying you minimal salary then I think you just need to do the needed work and just leave it at that. I understand that she asked you to market her business and of course that's your role at your job so no problem there. But you seem to get extremely emotionally invested very fast in people who aren't reciprocating your feelings or efforts. This woman actually isn't in your life in a personal or familiar capacity  - she is your boss. Your relationship with her is professional. You're so offended that she "doesn't appreciate you" but no offence she doesn't have to appreciate you on some high level. You are her employee who is doing a job for her but you do actually get paid for it. You aren't a volunteer there.

For example, if a plumber comes and does work for me then sure I'll say thank you to them. But I wouldn't be like: "OMG you are so amazing! Thank you soo much!" and give them a box of chocolates and flowers. You get hurt a lot because your expectations are extremely high. You are always expecting a lot of praise and gratitude and when you don't get it you feel like you're not appreciated. It doesn't mean you're not appreciated but you aren't actually doing anything out of the ordinary a lot of the time. I'm sure you're a nice person but you say you always go "above and beyond" but yet it doesn't seem that way. 

Like, you'll say you went above and beyond because you organised a dinner with your friends or you gave a friend a baby shower present or doing things for your boss. But it's normal to do those things for friends and you're doing that work for your boss because you get paid. If you're doing way more than required from your role then you don't have to do that. Like, if I stay back at work two hours because I'm trying to impress my boss, I can't get mad if they don't praise me. Because they never actually asked me to do that.

I think it's a really good idea to continue therapy. It really doesn't seem like your work there is done. Are you on any medication for your OCD? I understand that OCD is a debilitating mental illness and of course it's not your fault that you have it. But unfortunately I think your OCD manifests itself in trying to control and micro manage everything. And you become really stressed and burnt out because you're trying to control things that are simply out of your control. There is nothing you can do about what dress your friend wears, what guys your friends date, what people eat, etc. 

I am not emotionally invested in my boss' life at all. I am not connected to her. I don't care about her personal life and am not trying to solve her personal problems like her living situation or family issues. 

I took a liking to the business. I got really excited about trying to help a failing business thrive. I knew I could.  When I started, she presented me with all these problems she had with the business that she wanted me to fix, and I took it as a challenge to solve them. My skill set was prime to do this. It was refreshing to use my specific knowledge on something important. And I solved a lot of them for her very fast. And she chronically complained about low sales and needing to fix that too, and I took that as a challenge too. And I fixed that too. She said she appreciated it. Great, I did what was asked of me. But then she suddenly seemed unhappy, changed everything, freaked out over sales going down, because she halted all marketing efforts I did, causing the business to pretty much stop. Started complaining about working too hard for lower pay out, because prices were a couple dollars lower . Okay, I went ahead and did everything she has asked. 

Then minutes later she expresses she wants to implement a program to give loyal members free classes to their friends every month- for free! 

Her flip flopping confuses me immensely. One minute we're making money. Then she complains, so we up prices and try to make her more money her way. Then she gives classes out for free. Whay she complained about doing initially. 

[Seraphim]

You are quadrupling down again instead of listening. 

[itsallgrand]

It happens a lot that people aren't 100% in communicating what they REALLY want and flip flopping around. That's something you need to learn to navigate too. 

The biggest thing I'm seeing is that you have trouble simply acknowledging a mistake and changing course. Instead you double and triple down. 

Maybe try only focusing on your area you control. What could you have done differently? What can you do differently now?

Have you ever read any of Stephen Coveys books? I got a lot from it and you might like it as it is business orientated but relates to life as well. He talks a lot about circle of influence - what you control, what you don't, working as efficiently as possible. You are wasting so much energy focusing outside what you control and it will wear you down! 

[Alex39]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, you're not horrible.  But you are misinformed with the decisions you're making.  You overly praise yourself and overly criticize others, insisting if they did things YOUR way their lives would be much better.  But do you truly have any of the things in life you say you want?  If not, maybe consider you don't have all the answers. 

I think you're a lot more like your mother than you realize.

You also point to your mother as a source of comfort and support, but she's overly critical, says mean things to you and questions every decision you make.  How is that support?  I think this is key.

You have all the control over how you choose to construct your life.  Of course you can't control what others do, but you can stop putting yourself (and staying) in situations that are clearly not the right ones for you such as this job and the ex boyfriend.  Everything is and was screaming at you that it wasn't going to work but you plowed on anyway, I guess because you feel stepping away is failure or quitting?  But smart people know when something isn't right.  Stepping away from those situations is a victory, not a failure.

Maybe try giving yourself permission to leave situations that don't serve you.  And don't get into situations that are the opposite of what's best for you, such as taking on a stressful side job that pays peanuts or trying to force a relationship with someone who's lukewarm toward you and who can go days and weeks without seeing you. Be your own best friend and source of support.

I appreciate what you are saying here. I do hang on in stuff too long because I don't want to be a failure. What's funny is that I am smart at my regular job and I set boundaries and I do step away when it isn't working. Because my job takes high intelligence. But in my everyday life I don't. 

I've lived my life as a highly responsible person. I never did drugs, never tried smoking, never did weed, never spent frivolous.  I have student debt from schooling. But not all personal random debt. 

I own a home by myself before age 30. A feat a lot of my friends and relatives cannot do or aspire to have. I have a solid career. A lot of my friends are still trying to figure that out. My friends tell me my standards for men are way too high. So I lower them thinking I'm too picky, end up with losers. My one friend once convinced me to stay dating a guy that was completely wrong for me on so many levels. So I'd rather be single than with the wrong man at this point. My friends are in marriages. They settled quickly, even admitting their goal was marriage before 30 with whatever guy they could find first. And they have husband's with baggage. I think my friends are amazing and deserve the best.

I research, I read, I explore before I do anything in my life. I read every article, I focus on expert advice, whether in work or in love. 

So as much as I think my life isn't together. I do think I could give people solid well thought out advice on making responsible decisions on owning a home, paying off debt, working hard, building a career, and dating.