My stubborn boss

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I see what you all are saying. I do do this in all aspects. I'm a doormat. I'm honestly sick of it. I really want to change. I really do. 

You're not exactly a "doormat."  It's much more complicated than that.  It's a combo of "doormat" and some kind of sense of superiority.

A real doormat would just accept all the subjugation you put yourself through.  You get very outraged about things that ...YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH.   And you tend to alienate yourself in that process.   So you find yourself alone, and indignant, judgey and outraged.

It's WRONG to set yourself up over and over (at work, accepting a bridesmaid role, accepting an invitation for a group trip, family things, DATING) to participate in other people's stuff and then COMPLETELY turn the tables on the other party.  When you knew exactly what you were signing up for.  

It kind of makes YOU the a**h*** more than anybody else, because in all these situations you signed up for something that was NOT IN YOUR CONTROL and then hate it and turn against the other.

It's passive-aggressive and it will not ever serve you well.  

[Starlight925]

This thread is in danger of being shut down like some of your other threads. 
 

Why?  Because pages and pages in, you have received excellent feedback, yet you continue to write walls of paragraphs still trying to “prove” to us how horrible she is, and how wonderful you are. 
 

WE GET IT. 

We are also not your employment agency.  We are a group of random individuals who have heard you, provided feedback, and heard you some more. 
 

I’ll quote from a favorite movie, “Wargames”:

”The only winning move is not to play”. 

[Batya33]

So - I see where I might be off base and I also think this woman is a poor manager and poorly defined what she wanted/said what she thought she wanted then actually didn't want that, etc. So it might be a wee bit different than the typically better defined bridesmaid role.

Also - I haven't worked for small businesses in a very long time but I think it's much more likely to have this risk of disorganized/lack of structure as to what the employee -especially in an amorphous "assistant" type role -is supposed to do.  When I did in my 20s it actually was very sharply defined and my boss was extremely organized and a gem of a person -so when I got more skilled and she increased my duties/responsibilities that was done at a reasonable pace and clear communication. It also was a service/client-facing small business so it actually was very important in certain instances that I not overstep.  And I didn't try to -had I done so it would have been by mistake/not intentional -I wasn't power hungry!

But thinking back -when I joined the business was only a few years old - so she of course had some growing pains - so the fact that we had very clear and direct communication was really the essence of why it worked.  The OP lacks that -in fact they are at loggerheads and seems to be so from very early on!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 she makes me use my own computer. My computer is taking a beating, but I can't yet afford another $1000 computer. She should have marketed the position as her assistant. 

It's very strange that you take a minimum wage job and expect to be treated like a top flight executive with a lot of perks. Does that even make sense to you?

With respect, basically anything at minimum wage is a McJob, not a CEO position. It's a poor fit.

  If it were a good fit you could increase her marketing and sales in a manner that's consistent with her business model instead of perseverating on how tidy her studio is.

Please rethink your capabilities. Perhaps you could pay off your debt with some other type of less stressful work. 

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's very strange that you take a minimum wage job and expect to be treated like a top flight executive with a lot of perks. Does that even make sense to you? 

I also want to know how her computer is taking a “beating”. My husband transports his laptop every single work day back and forth to work. It isn’t “ taking a beating .”

[reinventmyself]

People will not respect you if you don't respect yourself first.  You are one of scores of people that are hired and taken advantage of for their skills.  She's no dummy.  

Noone is keeping you there.  You get to decide whether this works for you or it doesn't.  Simple as that.

I got the sense from the start you came here wanted us to tell you how to change her.  But no one did.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

You're not exactly a "doormat."  It's much more complicated than that.  It's a combo of "doormat" and some kind of sense of superiority.

This is my sense as well but couldn't find the right words without sounding offensive.  But yes, the way you go on about yourself, how educated, smart and talented you are, it almost seems like because you believe you are so awesome, how dare someone (in this case your boss) or a boyfriend (your last ex) NOT treat you like the awesome human being that you are.

You become outraged by it, but yet instead of leaving the situation and finding something/someone who values you for your awesomeness, you stick around and complain about them ad nauseum.

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's very strange that you take a minimum wage job and expect to be treated like a top flight executive with a lot of perks. Does that even make sense to you? 

Yup, I always thought I had a pretty good grasp of human nature but this truly baffles me, I have never seen anything like it.  Pages and pages of nothing but complaints but yet @Alex39you're still there.

Can you explain your thought process?  Please, no more complaints, this is about YOU.

Please think about it before responding.  

[MissCanuck]

Good grief. 

I see you have learned essentially nothing from your numerous previous threads. 

 

[boltnrun]

Alex, I hope you don't choose to hide this thread.

But I you wonder how it is you continue to do the same things in every facet of your life, make no changes whatsoever, and expect to find happiness or at least relative contentment. You seem to be standing on a hot stove hopping from one foot to the other trying not to get burned. But you are making these choices. You put yourself in situations that make you unhappy or that are unsatisfactory but refuse to leave them. I really don't understand.

This is the first time you've mentioned your debt, BTW. Every other thread has been about owning your own home that's beautifully decorated. I didn't know it was all at risk due to massive loan debt. That's got to be scary. I get it. But you're adding to your stress, not doing things to relieve it.

Are you willing to make some changes that will benefit you?

[itsallgrand]

I agree with catfeeder that you'd be better off with a side job that is well defined, clock in and clock out, and with better pay. It's out there . It might be humbling too, which may help wake you up to the danger you are in with that debt. You can't afford to be looking down your nose at others. 

[Jaunty]

@Alex - do you understand why you are responsible for this situation, along with others you've posted about?  NOT because you are "a doormat,"  "too sweet,"  "too caring."  Not at all.  Simply because as somebody already posted, you constantly set yourself up to be a victim.

It's like you jump through some pretty complicated hoops to have one situation after another in your life where you can feel aggrieved and badly wronged by others.  But ... in all the ones you've posted about, the pitfalls were evident going in, and also are often easy to avoid by just staying in your own lane. 

Are you aware of this?

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

...This lady is a disorganized mess. She ...yada yada, repeat of everything you've already written multiple times...

Honey. Ask yourself what you believe that you get out of every single time you keep repeating the same complaints. Recognize this as a vampiric move that saps your own energy--for zero payoff.

Instead: Acknowledge that you've observed some dealbreakers from your new boss. That's valid. So? Stop the complaining. Make a plan. Take action to make the woman your EX boss, and move forward to find a better situation.

Those are your steps. If you won't take them, then all the whining in the world won't help you--just the opposite.

I understand we sound mean, but we are on your side. Use your observations to challenge yourself into healthy action.

Head high, you can do this.

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I also want to know how her computer is taking a “beating”. My husband transports his laptop every single work day back and forth to work. It isn’t “ taking a beating .”

I'm transporting it, which is fine, but I have to run tons of programs on it for her business, which is making my computer lagging and causing extreme time use. It's my personal computer. I might use it 5 hours a week for myself. Now using it for her, I'm using it a good 10 to 15 hours more and running lots of programs and tabs. I've noticed changes since I started. My computer is slow, needs constant charging. I was even charging it so much, that I had to buy a new charger, with my own money. Her outlets at the fitness studio aren't great and my charger gets hot plugged into the wall, burning them out. Where, at my house that doesn't happen. Because I am typing a lot, I've had to buy special keyboard covers because the keys are getting worn out. All from using it for her work. That wasn't happening when I just used it for personal use. 

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This is my sense as well but couldn't find the right words without sounding offensive.  But yes, the way you go on about yourself, how educated, smart and talented you are, it almost seems like because you believe you are so awesome, how dare someone (in this case your boss) or a boyfriend (your last ex) NOT treat you like the awesome human being that you are.

You become outraged by it, but yet instead of leaving the situation and finding something/someone who values you for your awesomeness, you stick around and complain about them ad nauseum.

Yup, I always thought I had a pretty good grasp of human nature but this truly baffles me, I have never seen anything like it.  Pages and pages of nothing but complaints but yet @Alex39you're still there.

Can you explain your thought process?  Please, no more complaints, this is about YOU.

Please think about it before responding.  

I need the money. If I quit tomorrow,  I won't be able to pay certain bills and could lose my home. I'd love to quit tomorrow. She owes me money. And I need the money from this gig currently.  I plan on quitting as soon as I find something else. I don't plan on staying. 

Looking back on my relationship, I see how unhappy I was and I regret not leaving him early on. In the future, I will never stay with someone when I feel unhappy. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I'm transporting it, which is fine, but I have to run tons of programs on it for her business, which is making my computer lagging and causing extreme time use. It's my personal computer. I might use it 5 hours a week for myself. Now using it for her, I'm using it a good 10 to 15 hours more and running lots of programs and tabs. I've noticed changes since I started. My computer is slow, needs constant charging. I was even charging it so much, that I had to buy a new charger, with my own money. Her outlets at the fitness studio aren't great and my charger gets hot plugged into the wall, burning them out. Where, at my house that doesn't happen. Because I am typing a lot, I've had to buy special keyboard covers because the keys are getting worn out. All from using it for her work. That wasn't happening when I just used it for personal use. 

SO QUIT !!! Stop complaining and quit . 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I need the money. If I quit tomorrow,  I won't be able to pay certain bills and could lose my home. I'd love to quit tomorrow. She owes me money. And I need the money from this gig currently.  I plan on quitting as soon as I find something else. I don't plan on staying. 

Looking back on my relationship, I see how unhappy I was and I regret not leaving him early on. In the future, I will never stay with someone when I feel unhappy. 

Is it possible you own too much house given your debt and financial situation?

[Seraphim]

I think selling your house and crawling out from under debt maybe better . 

[Alex39]

29 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Honey. Ask yourself what you believe that you get out of every single time you keep repeating the same complaints. Recognize this as a vampiric move that saps your own energy--for zero payoff.

Instead: Acknowledge that you've observed some dealbreakers from your new boss. That's valid. So? Stop the complaining. Make a plan. Take action to make the woman your EX boss, and move forward to find a better situation.

Those are your steps. If you won't take them, then all the whining in the world won't help you--just the opposite.

I understand we sound mean, but we are on your side. Use your observations to challenge yourself into healthy action.

Head high, you can do this.

I've already been applying for better jobs. I am taking action.  My feelings are hurt. I actually liked this job before the woman became rude towards me.  I know it sounds like I'm complaining and complaining.  I'm hurt. I plan and know I need to leave. My pride is hurt, my ego is hurt, my feelings are hurt. So yes, I'm ruminating in what happened. And looking back seeing it wasn't the right job. I hate making mistakes. I'm not trying to change her. I am beating myself up for taking this dumb job and settling for less than I deserve. 

I don't think I'm anything special. That's why I keep accepting less in life. I've never felt important or seen or acknowledged much in my life. 

So I settle for less thinking it's enough. 

And then my feelings bubble up over time and I realize that I'm not into it. And then I jump into- I'm amazing and the bees knees mode. 

[Alex39]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I think selling your house and crawling out from under debt maybe better . 

I actually own a small, cheap home. It's cheaper than apartments on my area. If I sell, where would I go? 

[Alex39]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Is it possible you own too much house given your debt and financial situation?

I have a plan and will pay off most of my debt in the next 6 years. So then I cane breathe a bit more. I have to try and grind and survive until then. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, Alex39 said:

I actually own a small, cheap home. It's cheaper than apartments on my area. If I sell, where would I go? 

If you can’t afford what you have presently because of debt you will be paying for decades you are going to need more than a side gig. 

[Alex39]

Just now, Seraphim said:

If you can’t afford what you have presently because of debt you will be paying for decades you are going to need more than a side gig. 

I will have most of my debt paid off in 5 to 6 years. I have no where else to go.

I am going to add that I haven't had a side gig for years and was only working my one job and was paying for things fine. I just never had a lot of extra money for things, trips, extra expenses, etc 

Now the economy is extremely expensive. Utilities and groceries are higher. 

I got this side gig to add some extra money to my life. Now I don't have to budget as hard with my groceries. I add more payments onto my student debt to help pay off sooner. I can grab lunch out with a friend without thinking too hard and penny pinching. 

I could live tightly with no second job, but it's better with one. I actually have a small savings account accumulating now. It's been nice. 

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you could use a CPA and financial planner to better manage your finances, debts and assets. You shouldn't have to live hand to mouth working minimum wage jobs just to make ends meet when you supposedly have an MBA and own your house. 

[boltnrun]

You've posted many times about going on girls trips, vacations, being a bridesmaid at destination weddings with multiple events...I would imagine all of that puts a dent in your finances.

Now, of course you should have the ability to relax and do some recreational things. But if they're contributing to your debt it might be a good idea to dial some of that back. 

As for this side job, your descriptions sound almost frantic. Like you're barely holding on by your fingernails. I can't see how that reduces your stress.

If you're only being paid minimum wage, I would imagine you can find something that pays the same without the added stress. And while you're working as a barista or in a small retail shop or a fitness studio as a receptionist or bookkeeper you can look for a better side gig. 

Or...you can keep doing what you've been doing. Maybe it serves you to always feel victimized or disregarded or treated as an afterthought. I hope not. 

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you could use a CPA and financial planner to better manage your finances, debts and assets. You shouldn't have to live hand to mouth working minimum wage jobs just to make ends meet when you supposedly have an MBA and own your house. 

I have a financial planner. He's tried to help me explore my debt options, but he said I wasn't eligible for any deductions anywhere, and he looked and tried hard to help me. He helped me create a budget and it still has me living extremely tight. That was the best he could do for me. Even he felt bad for me.