Husbands wants a divorce to "find himself"

[stayingstrong2024]

3 weeks ago today my husband of 10 years took me on a date and at the end of the night told me how much he hates himself & his life. Doesn't love himself or know what love is and has never loved me or our children. He was previously married, separated and met me 3 weeks later and we were living with each other within 4 months, married and had a child a year and a half later. He said he wished he would have figured out his problems before we had met. He has attachment issues and latched on and did everything he could to make me happy so I wouldn't leave.  He said he feels he gives and gives and gives but never feels or gets anything back. He admits this is a him problem and nothing that I did or did not do. He said he knows I and our 4 children love him but he can't feel it. His parents were divorced at age 6 and he never really had a relationship with his mother. He asked for a separation and then this past Saturday he said he had to be honest and wants a divorce. He said I was a 12 year rebound and while it was real for me it was never real for him. He is in therapy and the therapist is pushing him to move out and find himself. Our friends and families are beyond shocked by this. If you ask them we had an ideal marriage. I was happy and thought we had a good solid marriage. To say I was blind sided by this is an understatement. The therapist says it is not a mid life crisis but a burden hes been carrying for 18 years. I love my husband beyond measure and this whole thing has been tearing me and our family apart. I should not he does not have any friends, hobbies or interests really. He's always been a homebody that doesn't really like people with a pessimistic way of thinking. Now he's trying to go out and make friends, try new things and "learning to be alone." Which I comment but wish he was doing it with us, not without us. I want nothing more than to work this out but he says he will never be able to come back as he will carry the guilt of what he has done to us for the rest of his life. I told him that I have forgiven him and he doesn't need to carry that with him. His mental state is not right and I vowed to be with him in good and in bad and this happens to be the bad. He said that I might hate the new man he becomes as he goes on his journey and I might, but all I can imagine is he would be a stronger and better man and that we would have a stronger marriage. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I have started going to the gym daily and picking up doing things I like to do again but this weighs heavy on my heart every single day. I don't want to lose my husband or my family. 

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, stayingstrong2024 said:

. Doesn't love himself or know what love is and has never loved me or our children. 

Sorry this is happening. You're doing the right things taking care of yourself and your children. Are they your children together, how old are they?

  Unfortunately he seems morbidly depressed. However is this why he's in therapy? Are you in marriage therapy as well or is he giving you hearsay as to whatever his therapist supposedly tells him? 

The 10 year "rebound" story sounds like BS.  He seems to be insinuating your entire marriage was a sham. This also doesn't seem to be coming out of nowhere. Is it possible he's having affairs? After all, your relationship started as one while he was "separated".  Is he moving out? 

How is the intimacy and the marriage in general? You stated "he did everything he could to make me happy so I wouldn't leave" . Were there issues before that you wanted to leave or other problems?

Please take care of yourself and your family. Please see your own therapist privately and confidentiality and do not discuss things with your husband about it. Please also consult an attorney for information support and advice in the event of divorce and get your ducks in a row. 

 

[Batya33]

I am so very sorry you are going through this and of course feel all the feelings.  And while doing that -today get your financial and practical ducks in a row. Today.  Do you have a friend who can help you find a lawyer, do all the calls you need to do to your banks and other financial institutions? At least someone you can vent to? Make those calls, start looking into child care arrangements since he's gonna go "find himself" - lovely -with 4 kids -how - fortunate he gets to do that. He doesn't get to do that without doing his part whether it's time with the kids and or child support.

Journey -take him on a short journey to a mediator or a lawyer's office or a court -whatever means that you and your children will be appropriately taken care of.  And don't be surprised if he needs to find himself at a gym getting all buffed up then somehow -it just happened! -finding himself on some dating app or hook up app. Please.  

Feel the feelings -and take action today to do what's in your and the kids' best interests.

[Coily]

His therapist is dubious at best, and I cannot help but think there is some ulterior motivation on their part. 
 

In addition to getting your life in order for this turmoil that is coming down the road; what is anything have you been allowed to address in regards to your husband’s issues? Or is this all motivated by his therapist?

Or do you feel completely shut out of any conversations on how to keep the marriage with some middle ground?

 

[Sam1986]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The 10 year "rebound" story sounds like BS.  He seems to be insinuating your entire marriage was a sham. This also doesn't seem to be coming out of nowhere. Is it possible he's having affairs? After all, your relationship started as one while he was "separated".  Is he moving out? 

This could also be the voice of someone deeply depressed, as they start to see everything in a negative light.
My ex wasn't exactly depressed (I think), but she would get those occasional spells where she created a mental narrative of our relationship, where she had "always known that it was doomed", or that "it's becoming clear to me now" (that said relationship was doomed). It was usually a temporary thing, but it was extremely draining for me and although I tried to be supportive and have her see a therapist, it ultimately wore me out. It was 100% a psychological thing on her side, and something I could never seem to permanently fix, so in the end there was only one thing to do - leave.

Either way, I agree that this "rebound story" objectively sounds like BS, but it might also very well be that her husband is in a very dark place right now and has convinced himself of the validity of that story (even if temporary).

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Sam1986 said:

This could also be the voice of someone deeply depressed, as they start to see everything in a negative light.
My ex wasn't exactly depressed (I think), but she would get those occasional spells where she created a mental narrative of our relationship, where she had "always known that it was doomed", or that "it's becoming clear to me now" (that said relationship was doomed). It was usually a temporary thing, but it was extremely draining for me and although I tried to be supportive and have her see a therapist, it ultimately wore me out. It was 100% a psychological thing on her side, and something I could never seem to permanently fix, so in the end there was only one thing to do - leave.

Either way, I agree that this "rebound story" objectively sounds like BS, but it might also very well be that her husband is in a very dark place right now and has convinced himself of the validity of that story (even if temporary).

Yes could be.  So - she can let him figure that out but in her reality she has 4 children and a man who is out the door to "find himself."  So she IMO need not find out what's really at the root of his problems but rather transfer her energies to finding out how to make a life for herself and he r4 children from a financial and practical perspective before his "finding himself" means finding his way into draining their joint accounts.  For example.

[stayingstrong2024]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You're doing the right things taking care of yourself and your children. Are they your children together, how old are they?

  Unfortunately he seems morbidly depressed. However is this why he's in therapy? Are you in marriage therapy as well or is he giving you hearsay as to whatever his therapist supposedly tells him? 

The 10 year "rebound" story sounds like BS.  He seems to be insinuating your entire marriage was a sham. This also doesn't seem to be coming out of nowhere. Is it possible he's having affairs? After all, your relationship started as one while he was "separated".  Is he moving out? 

How is the intimacy and the marriage in general? You stated "he did everything he could to make me happy so I wouldn't leave" . Were there issues before that you wanted to leave or other problems?

Please take care of yourself and your family. Please see your own therapist privately and confidentiality and do not discuss things with your husband about it. Please also consult an attorney for information support and advice in the event of divorce and get your ducks in a row. 

 

We have 1 together, 1 from my previous marriage and 2 from his previous marriage. The older 3 have already been through a divorce and we swore we would never do this to him. But to him his journey is about him and only him and if he didn't do what he did he would have committed suicide. He swears now that he wouldn't do anything of the sort but he said it around the kids and now they live in fear. 

He's in therapy so he can fix his problems and never do this to someone else again and of course find himself. 

He is stating that it was a sham, that I was a companion for 12 years to help him with his insecurities. Affairs im not sure. There might be now as he is on his phone a lot. He has always been a big researcher and he says that is what he is doing all the time. There was suspicion that he developed feelings for his secretary. I spoke with her and if there is it is most definitely one sided. 

He plans to move out in the next 6-8 months. Thats his "plan" as he doesn't want to live in limbo and hinder his personal growth. He says that leaving the marriage and home is at the advice of his therapist as he won't be able to start said journey until that is done. 

Intimacy was good up until about 2 months ago. He went to a funeral at the end of August for the loss of one of his employees. The man, a marine, has never been affected by death but he said that this funeral was eye opening for him and that he realized he has done nothing with his life, no one would show up to his funeral and that there would be no cool stories to tell at his funeral. He feels like he has made nothing of his life. 

As far as before at the beginning of the relationship he was dealing with a lot of emotional baggage about leaving his first marriage, leaving the marine corp and lots of unresolved feelings. He went to therapy then but nothing came out of it and he accepted this was just the way life was. He said he thought it would get better or just the way it was to be. Then after the funeral he said he was tired of waking up angry every day and feeling like he was missing out. 

I am also in therapy and working on myself. 

[Seraphim]

Personally, I would say get a good divorce lawyer. 

[stayingstrong2024]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

His therapist is dubious at best, and I cannot help but think there is some ulterior motivation on their part. 
 

In addition to getting your life in order for this turmoil that is coming down the road; what is anything have you been allowed to address in regards to your husband’s issues? Or is this all motivated by his therapist?

Or do you feel completely shut out of any conversations on how to keep the marriage with some middle ground?

 

I thought the therapist, as did my therapist, would show him there was a way to work on himself while he was still in the marriage and with his family. Our communication has opened doors a lot if you ask me. We talk often, but im trying to give him his space and I know he is only sharing what he wants to share. 

I've addressed that I let myself go and needed to get back to what I like to do. Ive been going to the gym daily. I've come to terms that this is a him issue and not me. I also find that I put my own feelings on the back burner trying to help him through his problems and I am going to need to start to create my own boundaries. 

As of right now he has no interest in saving the marriage. He thinks the only recourse if to be alone and on his own to focus on his own personal journey. 

[kehratha]

I am so sorry this is happening to you...

But unless your husband is an misunderstood poet, I would say that divorcing for "finding himself" is BS.

"Cherchez la femme".

Meanwhile protect you and your kids as much as you can from drama that will come with this.

 

 

[lostandhurt]

I am going to be blunt here.  It doesn't matter why he wants a divorce, it only matters that he DOES want a divorce.  It all sounds like BS to me as well.  I can't imagine a therapist telling someone to get a divorce and run away from their issues unless there was abuse.

  Trying to beg, become more attractive to him, please him or appease him will not work so please stop all your actions in that regard as it will not work. He wants to leave so let him and get to work on yourself.

 I know you want answers and solutions to this but unfortunately the solution is not what you want to hear.  Letting go, building yourself back up and focusing on your children is your top priority right now.  Once the emotions are removed divorce is a business deal so stay focused on the business of separating yourself financially from him. Child support and alimony as well as living arrangements will need to be figured out.  Don't feel bad for him and let him off easy but be fair while making sure you and the children will be okay.

  Even if you talked him into staying would it be real?  Do you want someone with  you that doesn't want to be there?

Keep posting it will help

Lost

[lostandhurt]

43 minutes ago, stayingstrong2024 said:

He plans to move out in the next 6-8 months. Thats his "plan" as he doesn't want to live in limbo and hinder his personal growth.

Oh hell no!  What about you and the children?  Tell him he needs to start looking for a place to live right away.  Start taking back control of your life today.  So far he has used you to prop himself up just like his last wife and now he wants 6 to 8 months to walk away slowly so it will  be easier on him? He is a selfish jerk.

 He wants to leave and you cannot change that so it is time to make this as painless as possible on you and the children and having a ghost walking around the house for 8 months is not healthy.

Lost

[boltnrun]

Absolutely terrible he told his children if he didn't leave you he would commit suicide. I get that depressed people are self absorbed, but that's just an awful thing to do. And yet he claims he doesn't want to "put them through" anything upsetting 🙄

I figured he would be exhibiting secretive behaviors. I bet some woman is what is really motivating him to "find himself". If that's the case, nothing you do will change his mind because he thinks she's the answer to his ennui.

Please do consult a family law attorney and your therapist. It's time to ensure you and your minor children are taken care of. 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, stayingstrong2024 said:

He said I was a 12 year rebound

That is way too cruel thing to say to somebody you spent 12 years together and have kids. 

I am sorry OP. But if he wants to "find himself", there is nothing you can do but to move away. Let him. But dont take him back if he ever starts to miss you and wants to get back to you. Just close the door there for good. He made his bed and he needs to sleep in it. You need to take care of your kid and live your life.

[Lambert]

I am so sorry your husband is being so cruel to you.  I agree with @lostandhurt and @boltnrun 

Hell no to him controlling this narrative.  I know it is killing you, but being kind when he is being so cruel will not work.

You have to be SUPER strong.  Talk to an attorney.  Get your ducks in a row.  6 months to move out?  No.  He needs to go.  And he needs to be told that the next time he discusses suicide with his children the courts will be notified, you can talk to the attorney about that, too.

What a weak ass man.... 12 years a rebound?? Well, wow. Isn't that just convenient for him.  

Again, I am so sorry this is happening. YOU and YOUR children do not deserve this.  He doesn't love you?  he doesn't love the kids?  Then get the F out. Ain't no body got time for that.  

[shouldhavelearned]

What a load of crap he is spewing

Completely selfish

Wish the best for you and the kids

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, stayingstrong2024 said:

As of right now he has no interest in saving the marriage. He thinks the only recourse if to be alone and on his own to focus on his own personal journey. 

It's great you're taking care of yourself and your children.

Please see an attorney asap and ask him to move out asap. . He will "find himself" very quickly when he gets served papers outlining the division of assets, child support and everything else. 

Unfortunately he's hiding behind "the therapist told me to..." nonsense to not take responsibility and buy time. Unfortunately it seems like there's someone else involved and this is why he's vague and using "my therapist says..." as a shield.

Please don't let him camp out at the house. Ask him to sleep in the guest room or sofa. Immediately discontinue doing anything for him including shopping cooking cleaning or any other perks of marriage. 

[smackie9]

The question is, what really happened to make him do a 180. Me personally suspect, him being depressive/bored, he has been reaching out to someone, and is acutely emotionally attached. Enough so for him to throw everything he has away. Unfortunately you really don't have any answers...so you have no way of formulating a plan to solve or deal with this. It's awful. IMO you should reach out to a close friend or family for support, to help you make the next steps....they know you and him best. It's a hot mess right now, but as time goes on, more information should start to surface, giving you some clues.

[LotusBlack]

My mother and father had 5 children together (the first a full-term stillborn) and were married 30 years. I was 15 when my parents sat us all down at breakfast one day and said they were divorcing. Everyone was shocked, including their best and closest friends and family, as they were known as the golden couple all other couples aspired to be. I never saw them fight a day in my life and nor had anyone else. 

My father told my mother that despite having the family he always dreamed of, he didn’t know what love was. It was a cold, harsh slap in the face to my poor mother who had dedicated her life to raising our family and gave up a wonderful career as a primary school teacher specialising in teaching special needs kids and those with trauma.

My father did have a rough childhood. His mother committed suicide when he was 6 and he came home from school to find the horrific situation. He was then taken from his father who was told it was improper in those days to raise children by himself and given to his aunt and uncle who treated him like Oliver Twist. My father is militant in the way he processes emotion, which is a result of his past traumas. BUT, you do not marry and have children with someone and then 30 years later tell them you don’t know what love is. That’s cruel and just unforgivably horrible.

My mother, whose teaching licence was no longer valid in my state, was forced by the situation to move (without any of us kids) to her home state that she grew up in, far away from the life she had built, with no money because she took took to raise us and now could not afford living where we were on the only kind of job she could get (cafe) at her age - in her late 50s. 

A couple of years later she met and married a lovely man (my step-father) but was diagnosed with a terminal cancer just 4 months after marrying. He spent the next 10 years of her life lovingly being her carer until she died 5 years ago. My regret for her is that my father didn’t end the relationship earlier so my mother could find the man truly meant for her and have more time with him. He has no children of his own and even my mother is gone, I and my son live with him and he is more a father to me and grandfather to my son than my own father is.

My father jumped from relationship to relationship with women he could barely speak the same language as, married one who he found our 5 years into their relationship just married him for a green card, and is now currently together with another woman who he is desperately trying to get a visa to Australia for. 

My ex husband also told me after we got married that he never loved me, does not love me and never will love me and married me only to solve a legal issue we had. I loved him with all my heart and it shattered me to file for divorce, but when your partner tells you they don’t love you and never did, there’s no coming back from that, in my opinion. Short of being diagnosed with a brain tumour that affected their behaviour, the damage to a relationship is critical and fatal. 

As others have said, get your ducks in a row and speak to a family law attorney. It will be hard, definitely, and will go against your feelings, but he has already made the decision for your family to break apart your marriage. He cannot undo what he has said.

[HeartGoesOn]

I wouldn't make any moves until you consult with an attorney.