stayingstrong2024

I thought the therapist, as did my therapist, would show him there was a way to work on himself while he was still in the marriage and with his family. Our communication has opened doors a lot if you ask me. We talk often, but im trying to give him his space and I know he is only sharing what he wants to share. I've addressed that I let myself go and needed to get back to what I like to do. Ive been going to the gym daily. I've come to terms that this is a him issue and not me. I also find that I put my own feelings on the back burner trying to help him through his problems and I am going to need to start to create my own boundaries. As of right now he has no interest in saving the marriage. He thinks the only recourse if to be alone and on his own to focus on his own personal journey.

We have 1 together, 1 from my previous marriage and 2 from his previous marriage. The older 3 have already been through a divorce and we swore we would never do this to him. But to him his journey is about him and only him and if he didn't do what he did he would have committed suicide. He swears now that he wouldn't do anything of the sort but he said it around the kids and now they live in fear. He's in therapy so he can fix his problems and never do this to someone else again and of course find himself. He is stating that it was a sham, that I was a companion for 12 years to help him with his insecurities. Affairs im not sure. There might be now as he is on his phone a lot. He has always been a big researcher and he says that is what he is doing all the time. There was suspicion that he developed feelings for his secretary. I spoke with her and if there is it is most definitely one sided. He plans to move out in the next 6-8 months. Thats his "plan" as he doesn't want to live in limbo and hinder his personal growth. He says that leaving the marriage and home is at the advice of his therapist as he won't be able to start said journey until that is done. Intimacy was good up until about 2 months ago. He went to a funeral at the end of August for the loss of one of his employees. The man, a marine, has never been affected by death but he said that this funeral was eye opening for him and that he realized he has done nothing with his life, no one would show up to his funeral and that there would be no cool stories to tell at his funeral. He feels like he has made nothing of his life. As far as before at the beginning of the relationship he was dealing with a lot of emotional baggage about leaving his first marriage, leaving the marine corp and lots of unresolved feelings. He went to therapy then but nothing came out of it and he accepted this was just the way life was. He said he thought it would get better or just the way it was to be. Then after the funeral he said he was tired of waking up angry every day and feeling like he was missing out. I am also in therapy and working on myself.

3 weeks ago today my husband of 10 years took me on a date and at the end of the night told me how much he hates himself & his life. Doesn't love himself or know what love is and has never loved me or our children. He was previously married, separated and met me 3 weeks later and we were living with each other within 4 months, married and had a child a year and a half later. He said he wished he would have figured out his problems before we had met. He has attachment issues and latched on and did everything he could to make me happy so I wouldn't leave. He said he feels he gives and gives and gives but never feels or gets anything back. He admits this is a him problem and nothing that I did or did not do. He said he knows I and our 4 children love him but he can't feel it. His parents were divorced at age 6 and he never really had a relationship with his mother. He asked for a separation and then this past Saturday he said he had to be honest and wants a divorce. He said I was a 12 year rebound and while it was real for me it was never real for him. He is in therapy and the therapist is pushing him to move out and find himself. Our friends and families are beyond shocked by this. If you ask them we had an ideal marriage. I was happy and thought we had a good solid marriage. To say I was blind sided by this is an understatement. The therapist says it is not a mid life crisis but a burden hes been carrying for 18 years. I love my husband beyond measure and this whole thing has been tearing me and our family apart. I should not he does not have any friends, hobbies or interests really. He's always been a homebody that doesn't really like people with a pessimistic way of thinking. Now he's trying to go out and make friends, try new things and "learning to be alone." Which I comment but wish he was doing it with us, not without us. I want nothing more than to work this out but he says he will never be able to come back as he will carry the guilt of what he has done to us for the rest of his life. I told him that I have forgiven him and he doesn't need to carry that with him. His mental state is not right and I vowed to be with him in good and in bad and this happens to be the bad. He said that I might hate the new man he becomes as he goes on his journey and I might, but all I can imagine is he would be a stronger and better man and that we would have a stronger marriage. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I have started going to the gym daily and picking up doing things I like to do again but this weighs heavy on my heart every single day. I don't want to lose my husband or my family.