She was “ friends “ with an ex our whole relationship ( 2 years )

[BobPlant]

I’m a bit distraught. I started a wonderful relationship with a woman who had been single for ten years. I felt lucky to be the chosen one. 
I’m not the jealous type and every so often she’d go on work nights out and get all dressed up. 
2 years into the relationship I noticed she was still on WhatsApp 90 minutes after she’d wished me goodnight. 
After a bit of detective work I found out she’d been texting a colleague who she often goes on nights out with who was just a “ friend “. 
I kept calm and gathered more information. There was a bit of mild flirting in her messages to him and I worked out they had been lovers. 
After confronting her she told me that a few years previously he’d left his wife briefly, they got together, then he got back with his wife and they’d had an affair. 
She ended it, and they remained close friends. They work together and would often go for lunch together. The whole thing was kept secret and she assured me they were just friends and that “ He’s a really good friend and I still want him as part of my life “. 
I suspect she was forced to end it because of lockdown. 
I feel as if the last two years have been a lie and I was seriously “ miss sold “ a relationship. 
I get angry at her daily for lying to me in plain sight for the last two years. 
We get on really well and she seems genuinely remorseful and we’re booked in for couples counselling. 
The thing is I don’t think I’ll ever get over it or be able to trust her again. I’m positive she didn’t physically cheat on me, but I’m wondering how long this would have gone on for if I hadn’t discovered it. At the time she genuinely didn’t think she was doing anything wrong, but now she realises she has and seems genuinely sorry. 
I start each day with the thought “ FML “. 
I feel that if I’d just left her I’d have moved on by now and found peace. Every time I try to leave her she begs me back to try and work it out. 
I’d love a quiet mind again. 
 

 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

I'm curious to understand everything in a bit more detail. The guy, for starters: In the time you've been together, did she talk about him much, mention him by name, refer to him as a friend? Was the idea of meeting him ever brought up? I ask because it strikes me as a bit peculiar to be with someone for two years and not know their friends, especially those they spend a lot of time with. Seems like something that generally happens organically.

Anyhow, I'd like to better understand all that before offering more. Hang in there—there's another side to the present chaos. 

 

 

[BobPlant]

She mentioned him often. At one point early on I was going to ask about him, but I didn’t want to come across as the possessive jealous type. She usually went out in a group of 4. I found a lot of selfies with this guy all taken whilst she was in a relationship with me. They look like a couple in the photos. I was never shown these. Quite often the other two would leave early and they would share a taxi home together late on. 
I have met most of her uni/school friends, but never her work friends. 
I’m 51 and she’s 43. Not my first time round the block. 

[BobPlant]

It was never brought up that I should meet him. I usually work weekends and they’d meet up on a Friday once a month/6 weeks. They work in the same building, but not the same office and they would go out for lunch regularly. She’s a lot of photos of him clowning around in the office. 

[bluecastle]

Well, I'm of two minds here. 

Big picture: I think this is one of those spots where people have many different values and expectations. Some, for instance, do not believe friendship is possible with anyone with whom you've had romantic history. Others, meanwhile, find that to be a pretty narrow view. In ways, it sounds like what's happening right now might be the exposure of a very wide gap between you two in this regard. Out of curiosity: If she had been forthright about this, letting you know they had a thing but are now friends, would you have been open to this friendship? 

Anyhow, all in all, I think this is more complicated than being "miss-sold" a relationship. Generous view is: they are friends, and just friends, and it's taken (too) long for this to come up because of (a) her own caginess and (b) your own reluctance to ask questions out of fear of coming across a certain way. After all, she hasn't been hiding this guy from you, so in ways I can understand why she doesn't think she's done anything wrong—or at least, as you view it, that she didn't cross the line into infidelity.

Of course, I can also understand why you're thrown.

It's great that you two have an appointment with a couple's therapist. Best case scenario: a few sessions can allow each of you to air your sides, really listen to each other, and then determine if there's a viable future here. In your gut of guts, are you confident that, when it comes to romantic feeling, you're the only person she has them for, that she's committed to you and you only? Or did some of this get stirred up by the fear that she didn't have both feet on your side of the fence? 

[BobPlant]

Well, after reading some of their messages where she’s asking him if he’s seeing anyone at the moment because if he was “she’d like to know? “ I can’t help but feeling that the feelings were put aside. I think had the circumstances been different and he hadn’t gone back to his wife she’d still be with him. 
Many years ago when I met my ex wife she was still hanging about with her ex boyfriend. He was in her group of friends and he became my friend and we went to his wedding etc, so no issues there if there had been honesty from the start. 
He was also asking her “ Was I ever with you ? “ and her answer was “ Yes “. 
I do believe she loves me, but I can’t believe for a second she didn’t think she was up to anything wrong. When I confronted her about it her heart was racing and she started to panic - not the reaction you would expect if it was strictly platonic. 
As for being mis - sold - I’d have never got with her if I’d know the full story. I’d have politely declined, but I fell in love and here I am 2 years later thinking that the relationship wasn’t as real as I thought it was. 

[Morello]

"I’d have never got with her if I’d know the full story."

I think this sums it up. It's a matter of processing what happened and moving on. It's clear that what she did doesn't sit well with you, and that's all that matters.

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, a big "red flag"

8 hours ago, BobPlant said:

At the time she genuinely didn’t think she was doing anything wrong, but now she realises she has and seems genuinely sorry. 

Now she is "realising it" because you discovered it. Not because she is genuinly remorseful about it. If you didnt discovered it she would continue like nothing was wrong. That should tell you all you need to know about her moral values. And how she dated a married man and now is still flirting with him and acts like nothing is wrong there. Yuck.

7 hours ago, BobPlant said:

I have met most of her uni/school friends, but never her work friends. 

And why do you think that is? If she thinks what she is doing is OK surely she would introduce you in 2 years with her work friends. But no, she would rather keep her ex to herself. Because even she knows what she is doing is not OK and will not sit up well with anyone other then those who ask their wifes boyfriends for money.

8 hours ago, BobPlant said:

The whole thing was kept secret and she assured me they were just friends and that “ He’s a really good friend and I still want him as part of my life “. 

And again if she didnt think if she was doing something wrong she wouldnt kept him a secret. Which draws conclusion that she did knew it was wrong. But still was doing it. 

If you said that you were uncomfortable with it and that she needs to stop hanging around with her married ex, do you think she would actually do it? Or just said how she cant do that and continue doing what she is doing? That would also tell you what you need to know about her own actions.

You dont need some expensive couples counselor to know that what she is doing is wrong and makes you uncomfortable. Those are your feelings and they are valid in this particular situation. You wont get a quiet mind again because at the end of the day, she doesnt think that what she is doing is wrong. And that at the end of the day, she would always opt for him rather then your relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, BobPlant said:

 a few years previously he’d left his wife briefly, they got together, then he got back with his wife and they’d had an affair. . They work together and would often go for lunch together. The whole thing was kept secret and she assured me they were just friends and that “ He’s a really good friend and I still want him as part of my life “. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Even if you go to couples counseling, how will it change that fact that she's not willing to let go of the (at least emotional) affair?

Unfortunately she seems to still be having an affair with him simply because he went back to his wife. Perhaps it's just an emotional affair at this time. She seems to be waiting around for him to leave his wife again.

Because her relationship with him is part-time and she has to share him with his wife, it seems she's trying to fill a void by having you in her life. 

[BobPlant]

She’s no longer seeing him or messaging him and I do believe this. Obviously she will bump into him at work and she’s only in the office two days a week. We don’t live together and I’m currently building an extension on her house. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, BobPlant said:

 she will bump into him at work and she’s only in the office two days a week. We don’t live together and I’m currently building an extension on her house. 

Are you a contractor working for her? What are the circumstances regarding doing work on her house? 

Agree that  "had the circumstances been different and he hadn’t gone back to his wife she’d still be with him".  How are things now if she's still "bumping into him"? 

Unfortunately you can't really keep policing her communication or the fact that "she assured me they were just friends and that “ He’s a really good friend and I still want him as part of my life “. 

So in a sense she's keeping him in her life one way or the other. She seems rather attached to him.

[BobPlant]

I’m actually a musician, but during lockdown I got a job working with a builder. My first job was building a conservatory for her and that’s how we met. I’m still a musician, but I’m helping build an extension now. I originally intended to do it for free, but it’s taken up so much of my time I’m now being paid. Or should I say since discovering her secret I’m now being paid. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, BobPlant said:

. My first job was building a conservatory for her and that’s how we met.  it’s taken up so much of my time I’m now being paid. Or should I say since discovering her secret I’m now being paid. 

That's good. Unfortunately you'll have to finish the job whether you stay together or not. It's good you don't live together. This gives you time to reflect on everything and whether you are comfortable with their so-called "friendship". 

[Batya33]

I am very open and lenient about having close friends whatever gender and if it's opposite sex then I have a few safeguards like that person has to be supportive of my relationship/marriage and my SO/husband has the opportunity to meet that person too.  And when I meet men when I'm out and about -couple years ago it was often men with their child and I was with mine - maybe wife had a day to herself/was ill or whatever - if I stay in touch -which was most often for our kids - I made sure to message the wife even though I'd never met her. 

I have a work friend who is a married man.  I met him when he and his wife and son relocated here.  Really nice person- a lot in common.  T

o my memory one of the first things I asked him -even though his family didn't live near ours - was his wife's name and whether I could contact her on FB.  And I did. 

People in relationships who give a darn (if the couple is not into dating outside the marriage or date-like activities) very often know that appearances matter too. 

Gestures like reaching out to the spouse matter,  Making good eye contact with the spouse of a colleague matters if you're all out socially and directing much of the conversation to the spouse.  Couples who care about each other's comfort go out of their way to show propriety.  And to be transparent.  I definitely would go for lunch with a male colleague one on one.  Drinks after work - not one one one -because I no longer work late -for one thing.  But in all I'd be transparent. 

My husband and I are not jealous types at all -no monitoring ever needed -but why not make things comfy for your partner?? She doesn't care - she hopes he's waiting in the wings IMO and her messages were inappropriate particularly since you're completely excluded from their tete-a-tete.  

[bluecastle]

6 hours ago, BobPlant said:

I originally intended to do it for free, but it’s taken up so much of my time I’m now being paid. Or should I say since discovering her secret I’m now being paid. 

So paying you is part of her punishment and atonement? If I have that right, I would steer clear of walking down that path any further. I get how it can provide an immediate salve, but it's not likely to help in terms of finding a more expansive peace, be that with her or recognizing that that's no longer an option for you.

[BobPlant]

It’s more because I can’t make money in my usual way because it takes up so much of my time, not as a punishment. She’s still getting a bargain. 

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, BobPlant said:

It’s more because I can’t make money in my usual way because it takes up so much of my time, not as a punishment. She’s still getting a bargain. 

Then why did you tie it to the information you learned - and why not charge her from the beginning?

[shouldhavelearned]

Would end it 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, BobPlant said:

It’s more because I can’t make money in my usual way because it takes up so much of my time, not as a punishment. She’s still getting a bargain. 

That's ok. You need the money she needs the work done. However the question remains as to how comfortable you are with her "friend" and emotional affair.

[BobPlant]

She’s no longer seeing him or messaging him. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, BobPlant said:

She’s no longer seeing him or messaging him. 

And what about the next time she feels this sort of connection with a coworker or someone she meets - what are her standards as far as what is appropriate given her relationship with you.  Do those standards match yours?

[boltnrun]

9 hours ago, BobPlant said:

She’s no longer seeing him or messaging him. 

When did it stop? Before you found out or after?

[tattoobunnie]

I want to vomit for you.  What bothers you is her lack of morals. The fact she makes a fool out of you every time she "hangs out" with him without ever once being transparent about their time together.  I would stop working on the construction for her (like yesterday). She can find someone else to finish.  She is disgusting.  

About 5 years or so ago, I found some messages between my hubs and an ex.  They hadn't seen eachother in person in decades. I almost divorced him over that.  It's not about jealously.  It's a violation of trust.  It's betrayal.  Good luck.  Head high. Don't settle.  All you found was the tip of the iceberg.  You cannot trust someone like her who doesn't even once prioritize how you'd feel about being made a fool of.

[smackie9]

27 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I want to vomit for you.  What bothers you is her lack of morals. The fact she makes a fool out of you every time she "hangs out" with him without ever once being transparent about their time together.  I would stop working on the construction for her (like yesterday). She can find someone else to finish.  She is disgusting.  

About 5 years or so ago, I found some messages between my hubs and an ex.  They hadn't seen eachother in person in decades. I almost divorced him over that.  It's not about jealously.  It's a violation of trust.  It's betrayal.  Good luck.  Head high. Don't settle.  All you found was the tip of the iceberg.  You cannot trust someone like her who doesn't even once prioritize how you'd feel about being made a fool of.

This 100%. But I get it...some are willing to forgive and move forward if they feel the person is worth it. Has your relationship gotten better since? Are you two closer because of it? Have you two discuss her need for this emotional affair/why it happened? Or was this dismissed and you both just went forward, letting her off the hook.

[BobPlant]

Thanks everyone for your input. I’m not fluent on how these comments work yet regarding replies and quotes, but I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it. 
My anger is subsiding a bit now and a little clarity is beginning to form around my situation. Self care is the key, no matter which way the relationship goes. I’m going to come out of this a lot stronger and not be taken for a ride ever again.