She was “ friends “ with an ex our whole relationship ( 2 years )

[BobPlant]

On 11/17/2023 at 3:22 PM, boltnrun said:

When did it stop? Before you found out or after?

After. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, BobPlant said:

After. 

Hm, so it wasn't her choice.  If you hadn't found out, do you think she would have continued the inappropriate behavior?

[BobPlant]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Hm, so it wasn't her choice.  If you hadn't found out, do you think she would have continued the inappropriate behavior?

Yes, I believe she would still be doing it. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, BobPlant said:

Yes, I believe she would still be doing it. 

Do you trust her to not do it behind your back?

[BobPlant]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you trust her to not do it behind your back?

Yes, yes I do. If it ever happened again I’d sever all ties. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, BobPlant said:

Yes, yes I do. If it ever happened again I’d sever all ties. 

Those two sentences contradict one another. If you trust her, you wouldn't think she would ever do it again. 

Do you sincerely trust her?

[BobPlant]

It’s a tough one. She’s never lied to me, she just hasn’t been truthful. 

[Batya33]

Just now, BobPlant said:

It’s a tough one. She’s never lied to me, she just hasn’t been truthful. 

What’s um the difference ?? 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, BobPlant said:

It’s a tough one. She’s never lied to me, she just hasn’t been truthful. 

What is your definition of lying?

[bluecastle]

14 hours ago, BobPlant said:

If it ever happened again I’d sever all ties. 

Do you two have a clear, mutually agreed upon definition of what "it" is?

Communicating with this man, whom I gather you clearly define as her "ex" while she views differently? Not being immediately forthcoming with any man she has had any type of romantic history with and is still in contact with? No pictures with male coworkers, regardless of history, that could at a glimpse be in any way construed as "couple like"?

I ask because the only productive way forward is if this moment can make for greater mutual understanding.  

[LotusBlack]

To add another perspective - your gf lacks not only consideration for you, but also her former affair-partner’s wife. I’m not sure of their (the husband and wife) understanding or arrangement, but I wonder how her affair-partner’s wife feels about her husband very actively maintaining a friendship with his affair-partner, particularly one that outwardly appears quite couple-like on social media, etc.

If I were you, I would ask your gf how the wife feels about the friendship and if she knows or if she, too, much like you were, is completely unaware of their continued contact and borderline inappropriate topics of discussion. 

One could make an argument (though a very stretched argument) that their continued interactions were not inappropriate where you are concerned due to different expectations, etc. as someone mentioned above, if those expectations had not been discussed between you two prior. A completely different kettle of fish when regarding her former affair-partner’s wife. I would find it very hard to believe that any self-respecting woman who has healthy boundaries would be okay with a continued friendship between her husband and his mistress. Forgiveness is one thing, being okay with a friendship is quite another and I think it unlikely she would be okay with that if she wasn’t okay with sharing her husband in the first place - hence why the affair stopped.

Your gf cannot be ignorant of that, so my take on it is this is completely inappropriate on her ex-affair partner’s wife’s side (I won’t refer to him as your gf’s ex because they were not in a valid relationship) and your gf simply does not care to concern herself with that and do what is right. That tells me she lacks self control, empathy to put herself in another’s shoes, integrity, and consideration. Ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have those qualities, regardless of the friendship with this man and the affair they had in the relatively recent past. 

Also consider, how confident do you truly feel that a person who was willing to conduct herself in a manner that a significant percentage of the population would determine to be wildly inappropriate -the friendship after affair -(aside from the affair she was involved in) and who has stated how desperately they want to keep that person in their life is going to just readily agree to suddenly and completely sever all non-work-related contact? I wouldn’t believe it.

In your shoes, I’d confidently walk away without a second look back at the deplorable person I was leaving behind.

[BobPlant]

10 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

To add another perspective - your gf lacks not only consideration for you, but also her former affair-partner’s wife. I’m not sure of their (the husband and wife) understanding or arrangement, but I wonder how her affair-partner’s wife feels about her husband very actively maintaining a friendship with his affair-partner, particularly one that outwardly appears quite couple-like on social media, etc.

If I were you, I would ask your gf how the wife feels about the friendship and if she knows or if she, too, much like you were, is completely unaware of their continued contact and borderline inappropriate topics of discussion. 

One could make an argument (though a very stretched argument) that their continued interactions were not inappropriate where you are concerned due to different expectations, etc. as someone mentioned above, if those expectations had not been discussed between you two prior. A completely different kettle of fish when regarding her former affair-partner’s wife. I would find it very hard to believe that any self-respecting woman who has healthy boundaries would be okay with a continued friendship between her husband and his mistress. Forgiveness is one thing, being okay with a friendship is quite another and I think it unlikely she would be okay with that if she wasn’t okay with sharing her husband in the first place - hence why the affair stopped.

Your gf cannot be ignorant of that, so my take on it is this is completely inappropriate on her ex-affair partner’s wife’s side (I won’t refer to him as your gf’s ex because they were not in a valid relationship) and your gf simply does not care to concern herself with that and do what is right. That tells me she lacks self control, empathy to put herself in another’s shoes, integrity, and consideration. Ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have those qualities, regardless of the friendship with this man and the affair they had in the relatively recent past. 

Also consider, how confident do you truly feel that a person who was willing to conduct herself in a manner that a significant percentage of the population would determine to be wildly inappropriate -the friendship after affair -(aside from the affair she was involved in) and who has stated how desperately they want to keep that person in their life is going to just readily agree to suddenly and completely sever all non-work-related contact? I wouldn’t believe it.

In your shoes, I’d confidently walk away without a second look back at the deplorable person I was leaving behind.

Apparently he only went back to his wife for the sake of the kids. They only live together for the kids. I’ve checked out her social media and this part appears true. She hasn’t had a photo up of him since 2018 and her relationship status isn’t public. 
I still can’t wrap my head around it that because she’d ended it she felt that it was ok for them to be friends. 
We still don’t have an apt for couples counselling due to the waiting list, but I’m muddling along best I can meantime. 
She does have many good qualities and I find it strange that she’s trying really hard to keep me in her life/ willing to go for counselling. If she didn’t love me I don’t think she would try. 
I doubt I’ll ever be as close to her again though and I’ve certainly no intentions of moving in with her or proposing- things that were on the cards before I found all this out. 
Thanks for your response. 

[Starlight925]

2 hours ago, BobPlant said:

If she didn’t love me I don’t think she would try. 

I doubt I’ll ever be as close to her again though and I’ve certainly no intentions of moving in with her or proposing- things that were on the cards before I found all this out. 

I disagree with your statement about her loving you therefore she’s trying.   I think you might be blinded because you care so much for her, but this woman has not been honest with you.  

And because she’s been dishonest, I wouldn’t hold any stock in how much she “loves” you, I’m sorry to say.

I don’t blame you for the way you feel at all. Honestly I’d be out the door.

She’s only stopped seeing him because you told her to, not because she thinks it’s wrong. This spells trouble up ahead, as she just does not understand how heinous this is.

So now, you are stuck in this relationship that you know will never be as close as it was before, and all of your plans for the future have changed due to this.

I hate to have to give you this advice, but since you’ve asked for it, my advice is to move on.

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, BobPlant said:

They only live together for the kids. I’ve checked out her social media and this part appears true. She hasn’t had a photo up of him since 2018 and her relationship status isn’t public. 

When you're checking social media for this sort of information then you know you're trying to make excuses/rationalize.  You would think the same of me if  you relied on my FB profile.  I agree with Starlight.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, BobPlant said:

 I’ve certainly no intentions of moving in with her or proposing- things that were on the cards before I found all this out. 

That's probably a good idea. You don't seem to be able to overcome the rift. You can ask her to stop contacting him or check up on her, but that's not going to change how she really feels. In some sense it seems the only reason you're in the picture is because this guy won't leave his wife.

"Couples therapy" seems almost like a waste at this point since you don't want a future and she's still holding the torch for some married "friend".