My boyfriend broke up with me

[Alex39]

My boyfriend of 6 months has just broken up with me. I've absolutely devastated. 

Over a month ago he got a second job. I was extremely supportive. He assured me it was only a few weeknights a week and we'd still have plenty of time together. At first, that was true. 

But over the last few weeks he's been working more and more. A few weeknights, then turned into 3 or 4 weeknights. Then he got a set schedule of Monday, Tuesday, Saturday. I was a bit upset by the Saturday, because it's a great date night, but he assured me we would hangout Friday night, Saturday during the day, and Sunday. 

 

But for the last two weeks he's been doing his schedule and taking any other days they offer. He's been working almost every single night. He's been so tired that when we do hangout he's tired, irritable, lazy. We haven't had sex in over a month. 

He's also in the military. So he worked two jobs all week, then had mandatory military training on the weekend. He invited me to hangout Friday night before he left, we grabbed a quick dinner and the rest of the time we ran around packing all his stuff. It wasn't quality time. We haven't had much quality time. We don't do activities or have fun. We sit around, occasionally grab dinner, he falls asleep. 

While he was gone I pet sitted at his house. 

He came back and said he'd see me Wednesday night. 

He quickly cancelled that saying he had to help his friend move. He felt obligated since his friend helped him move. That quickly changed and he said he had to help his dad. Then that changed to him working the 2nd job. 

 

I keep warning him that he's going to run himself dry. He's overworking himself. But he just says how he needs the money. 

He assured me we'd hangout Thursday or Friday. 

All during the week his texts were effortless, quick, couple words. Then he'd call me after work at night as he always did and he was so tired and the conversation was lame. 

Thursday we don't hangout. He assures me Friday. Thursday he claims he helped his dad. Friday he bails on me again for a shift at his second job. What upset me was. He calls me after shift around 9pm, saying how his two guy friends stopped in and now he was going to go out for drinks with them. It made me upset that he made time for them but not for me. He stayed out with them until past 1am. 

I figure we'd see each other Saturday during the day. Since he wasn't working until 4. We don't. Sunday is usually our day. 

He messages me Saturday night saying they offered him a shift Sunday amd he took it. He said he'll be free Wednesday to take me to a nice dinner. 

So I say - I won't see you tomorrow at all?

 

He says- well you can stop by in the morning if you want

I didn't like this. That I have to run to him and make the effort. 

So I tell him I miss him and he says how it's only bad this week and next week will he normal. 

After All the bailing and the lack of effort I just flat out asked him. "You've been so busy lately with work and your friends, do you still want to be in a relationship with me?"

I got no answer. His usual nighttime call never came. 

Now to add, we are supposed to be in love. He recently came to a family funeral with me. It was very personal and intimate. He was there for me. He was talking about coming for Thanksgiving and seeing my parents. He's met my family.  He brought me to meet his dad and his mother. His family invited me to Christmas coming up.  We've talked about living together in a year or two. He's getting a new apartment soon and was so excited for me to be able to stay over more and we'd have more space. 

So I hear nothing from him all night long. 

Sunday morning hits and all I get it "Idk"

So I say "you don't know if you want to be with me?"

He says "I don't know if I'm ready"

I call him. I was done texting at this point.

So I call and ask him to explain. He says stuff like- I thought I was ready, but I just don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship. 

 

I say- jeez I wasnt asking you to marry me or anything 

He says- I have to work a lot and fix myself. 

I say- you didn't know this 6 months ago? 

 

He's like - no I didn't, I thought I was ready. 

He's like- I think I just need a break

He says how he'll text me later. I ask- why? 

In my head, we're broken up. 

He's like - I still want to be your friend and be in your life and support you

 

I say crying- you've hurt me I don't think I want you as my friend

I remind him he left stuff here. He says he'll come get it on Wednesday. He then asks- I'll get to see you- right?

 

I  say- I don't know if I can see you

 

I'm absolutely heartbroken broken and have been crying all day. I feel devastated. I don't understand this at all. All I was seeking was reassurance and never expected a breakup. I've offered him reassurance and he's reassured me in the past. I think he's been thinking this for a couple weeks. But still let me go over and pet sit. Which makes me mad. I'm insulted at the friend thing. What, so I can watch him go off with other women? No thanks. 

I think he's spreading himself thin, over worked, burned out, so he gave up on us. 

We're going to talk Wednesday. But I'm assuming we're going to stay broken up. I'm so heartbroken I can't take it. 

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry, Alex.

If you reread your posts from August in your thread "Nervous for date", this has been his M.O. all along. Everyone and everything else had priority and you were fit in when he didn't have anything else going on.

I know you'll dispute that and give multiple examples of when he was "there" for you and did things that are typical of couples, but bottom line, he wasn't as into this relationship as you were. Just reading what you just wrote shows that other than consistent texting he wasn't making much effort.

Again, I'm sorry. I know you're disappointed. But this would have continued with you being dissatisfied and frustrated and him being dismissive of your concerns and putting everything and everyone ahead of you. That's not how a relationship is supposed to work. 

[shouldhavelearned]

This totally sucks

Be glad he told you he wasn't ready.

Hopefully he gets his stuff ASAP and you can go NC and start moving on.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I remind him he left stuff here. He says he'll come get it on Wednesday. We're going to talk Wednesday. But I'm assuming we're going to stay broken up. 

See what happens Wednesday. At some level you knew it would be difficult to tell whether you're still dating or not because of his passive aggressive "busy" and "cancelling" way of doing things. He's always been "too busy" or "too broke" for a relationship, but now he's doing it moreso. Please stop pet sitting and mothering him. Unfortunately he's had one foot out the door from the beginning. 

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry, Alex. 

Unfortunately, there have been numerous red flags from the beginning that he was not going to be the boyfriend you have been searching for. He has always been flighty and flaky and unreliable. 

This was not going to last, no matter how you sliced it. You tried. But you need to let him go now. He is totally correct that he is not ready for a relationship, and his behaviour supports that assertion. 

[Kwothe28]

The least surprising break up ever. If only there hasnt been numerous(now deleted, sorry hidden) threads were people told you about the exact same thing he told you. And how you shouldnt waste your time there.

Sorry it happened though. But you really should pay more attention to what is going on and not live in the clouds.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're hurting and I agree with the others.  In part he used the new job as an excuse and had you been married or near married you'd probably have discussed in advance whether the new job was worth the $ or whatever other benefits (sounds like he took it solely because he's struggling financially meaning not because it's a dream job/stepping stone).  Also you were all Wifey with him and his helper with the pet sitting after 6 months even though he was still flaking out/dumping plans with you on a moments notice/giving you the scraps of him.  His friends were the priority especially if drinking was involved/partying/single guy stuff.  

Your "support" was wife like and he simply wasn't on that wavelength -might he have been -doubtful since he started increasing the flaky crap.

Sorry!!

[Alex39]

It just hurts so much. I keep sobbing. My heart is broken. I invested myself. I was so kind, patient, and giving to him. 

Today is only the next day and I'm so depressed. Not to hear from him. We talked every single day. I miss him. I just want to hug him. I don't understand what I did. Why he doesn't love me anymore? We were in love. He was the one introducing me to his parents. He was the one wanting me to sleep over. He said I love you first. 

It's just not fair. Why do I keep getting hurt? Why cant someone love me how I deserve? Why don't I deserve it? I want to be with him so bad. We had so many things we talked about doing together. I feel so alone. All I want is to talk to him. I haven't dated in 4 years. I was sick of getting hurt. I put myself out there this year and found him and thought we had a future. I gave my heart. 

I'm turning 32 soon. Everyone around me is married and having kids. I'm single and alone. I don't understand 

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, reading this thread and your others, your "boyfriend" was never into this, or you, sorry to say. 

He did the proverbial "going through the motions" but it was so clear (I think to everyone reading) his heart just wasn't there.

I'm going to be a bit critical here so hopefully you'll learn something for your next relationship.

YOU placed A LOT of pressure on this relationship and on him.  The entire relationship consisted of you begging to see him, begging for his attention and him finding excuses not to see you and making promises he never or rarely lived up to.  

NO man wants to spend his time or energy reassuring his girlfriend and making promises to see her.  Your relationship was completely one-sided! 

And it often seemed like he was doing you a big favor by seeing you occasionally, when all he really wanted to do was be with his friends or to be left alone

My advice is find a life outside of a boyfriend.  Please. A boyfriend should enhance your already happy and fulfilling life NOT "be" your life!!

Again that is a lot of pressure and he finally cracked.  A person can live a facade for only so long before they will break and run as he finally did. 

Pay attention to warning signs from the beginning of which there were plenty.   It's a shame you deleted many of your previous threads as you could've re-read them now and learned. 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

It just hurts so much. I keep sobbing. My heart is broken. I invested myself. I was so kind, patient, and giving to him. 

 I want to be with him so bad. We had so many things we talked about doing together. I feel so alone. All I want is to talk to him.

Sorry this is happening. See what happens on Wednesday. Please try to reframe things that he was never BF material and in a way, you dodged a bullet. Think of this as getting him out of the way so you don't have to settle for poor treatment again. 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

just not fair. Why do I keep getting hurt? Why cant someone love me how I deserve? Why don't I deserve it? I want to be with him so bad. We had so many things we talked about doing together. I feel so alone. All I want is to talk to him. I haven't dated in 4 years. I was sick of getting hurt. I put myself out there this year and found him and thought we had a future. I gave my heart. 

I'm turning 32 soon. Everyone around me is married and having kids. I'm single and alone. I don't understand

I just posted why this keeps happening.  From my perspective anyway and I'm sure others. 

I hope you will read and absorb the words versus dismissing as it doesn't fit with your narrative of being the victim, and that this was something that was done TO you.

It wasn't done "to" you, you were a full participant and contributed to what ended up happening through your own actions and the pressure you placed on the relationship and him. 

Again I'm sorry.  

I'm gonna say something my late mom advised me (different words) - pick yourself up, shake that "shyt" off and keep going!  Learning, growing and evolving 

All the best Alex. 

[Starlight925]

Alex, I'm sorry you're hurting.  I've been there, and I get why this is so painful.

Please use this as a learning tool.  

If it helps, print out this entire thread, and all of your previous threads, and read what everyone has written to you about this guy.

He was never fully committed.  Since Day 1, he's been all about excuses, guys' nights out, plans for future, and more excuses.

He Future-Faked his way through this entire relationship.

You are worth more than the crumbs he was providing.

[boltnrun]

Alex, this guy showed you clear signs from the beginning he wasn't nearly as invested as you were.

After all, when you love someone you want to spend time with them... don't you?

And honestly, I can't help but think you convinced yourself you "love" him because of this:

33 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm turning 32 soon. Everyone around me is married and having kids. I'm single and alone.

You want a boyfriend and marriage and babies so very badly that you're clinging to any guy who gives you attention, desperately hoping he's the one who will give you those things. You think if you put up with poor or dismissive treatment you'll at least get a husband out of it. But your continued error is trying to force a relationship with the wrong ones. And that's why they don't work out. 

You're certainly not old and you are certainly not beyond the age where you can meet the right man, fall legitimately and mutually in love and have the life you want. But it's vital you stop trying to force the wrong relationship. 

I'm sorry you're hurt and disappointed. But after you allow yourself some time, you can get back out there. 

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Alex, reading this thread and your others, your "boyfriend" was never into this, or you, sorry to say. 

He did the proverbial "going through the motions" but it was so clear (I think to everyone reading) his heart just wasn't there.

I'm going to be a bit critical here so hopefully you'll learn something for your next relationship.

YOU placed A LOT of pressure on this relationship and on him.  The entire relationship consisted of you begging to see him, begging for his attention and him finding excuses not to see you and making promises he never or rarely lived up to.  

NO man wants to spend his time or energy reassuring his girlfriend and making promises to see her.  Your relationship was completely one-sided! 

And it often seemed like he was doing you a big favor by seeing you occasionally, when all he really wanted to do was be with his friends or to be left alone

My advice is find a life outside of a boyfriend.  Please. A boyfriend should enhance your already happy and fulfilling life NOT "be" your life!!

Again that is a lot of pressure and he finally cracked.  A person can live a facade for only so long before they will break and run as he finally did. 

Pay attention to warning signs from the beginning of which there were plenty.   It's a shame you deleted many of your previous threads as you could've re-read them now and learned. 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. 

 

 

 

I want to make clear. I didn't delete6 previous threads. Enotalone took them down. 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I just posted why this keeps happening.  From my perspective anyway and I'm sure others. 

I hope you will read and absorb the words versus dismissing as it doesn't fit with your narrative of being the victim, and that this was something that was done TO you.

It wasn't done "to" you, you were a full participant and contributed to what ended up happening through your own actions and the pressure you placed on the relationship and him. 

Again I'm sorry.  

I'm gonna say something my late mom advised me (different words) - pick yourself up, shake that "shyt" off and keep going!  Learning, growing and evolving 

All the best Alex. 

I think I was extremely patient and kind to him. I didn't put pressure on him. I think my expectations were pretty normal wanting to see your boyfriend at least once a week. And I was very understanding and never complained when he couldn't see me a lot or was working a lot. 

[Jaunty]

@Alex39 -  I am sincerely sorry that you are hurting.  

Still, I really hope that you are able to acknowledge that this is a situation that you created for yourself - simply because, if you are, you can learn from it and not do it again.

Are you able to access all the threads you had deleted or hidden?

If you are, and if you want to take an HONEST look at what has happened here, I strongly suggest you find them and read every word.

This guy showed you exactly this from the very beginning.   It's all in your threads, in your own words.

You haven't been sharing about it here for months.  I'm sure this is because you were sick and tired of people pointing out to you how far down on the priority list you and this relationship were to this guy.

But it's always been the case from the very first dates.  

He just had enough spare time to be a half-assed boyfriend then.  

He doesn't anymore.   

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

He just had enough spare time to be a half-assed boyfriend then.  

He doesn't anymore.   

And this is why he liked all the couply stuff -when it was convenient for him.  When his friends weren't available.  When you were available to pet sit.  When you were available to help him buy camping equipment etc.

[Jaunty]

41 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think I was extremely patient and kind to him. I didn't put pressure on him. I think my expectations were pretty normal wanting to see your boyfriend at least once a week. And I was very understanding and never complained when he couldn't see me a lot or was working a lot. 

What you were was not "patient."  It would be described as "settling for breadcrumbs," and sitting at home doing nothing besides waiting for the crumbs.  

He didn't choose to see you a lot because he was not motivated to see you a lot.  I'm sorry, but fact.

You put a lot of pressure on the relationship because you NEVER stepped back, got busy with your own life and interests, and allowed the space for him to make things happen.  

That is because he would not have done it,  you knew this,  and you were not going to have it.  So you drove the whole thing yourself.  You made it very easy and set a tremendously low bar for him to carry the label of "boyfriend" for you.  

 

I'm editing this to add that none of this is because you are "unworthy" to have a relationship, or because of anything "wrong" with you.  What you did "wrong" was to react to a man being interested in going on a date or two with you by nailing him down despite all the info you were getting about how he was not suitable, from day 1.

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

55 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think I was extremely patient and kind to him. I didn't put pressure on him. I think my expectations were pretty normal wanting to see your boyfriend at least once a week. And I was very understanding and never complained when he couldn't see me a lot or was working a lot. 

That's YOUR perspective.  Have you asked HIM how he feels?   

Try viewing it from HIS perspective; I'm sorry Alex but a man simply doesn't announce he's "not ready" for a relationship after SIX months unless he was feeling pressure from that relationship.

Look I think he has commitment issues, I said so from the beginning.  Even his toxic short-lived marriage was indicative of that.   Do some research on it, Google is your friend.  Learn the warning signs. 

55 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think I was extremely patient and kind to him....

Unfortunately these are not qualities that cause men to fall in love especially when such man is not deserving of it as HE certainly was NOT.  As @Jauntysaid he was a half-assed boyfriend at best. 

He will lose respect for you REAL fast, see you as a pushover with no life OF HER OWN which is what I think happened here, at least in part. 

You can either learn from this, and listen to posts such as @boltnrunand others (or mine as I've been where you are myself and learned) or create your own narrative and continue getting hurt. 

Your choice Alex. 

Best. 

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry and I think he means "I'm not ready for a relationship with you."  The relationship you want with him and to him.  He doesn't want that.

[Alex39]

I just feel like I was being myself. I'm an overly kind and considerate person. That's who I am. I guess it might be a bit pushover-ey but I am such a sweet and kind person.  I can't not be myself. I love helping people and making them happy. And I do have a life. I have friends, co-workers, family, and two jobs. I just got a second job myself and it's given me more motivation and purpose in my life. I've been on a weight loss journey and lost 25 pounds so far. I also love cooking, baking, walking. He knew I was doing these things. I enjoyed these things. I love music and was sending him concerts I thought looked fun. I'd talk about activities all the time we could do. But when it came down to doing them, then he was too tired,  lazy, or poor to do them. I'm not perfect. I did wait around on him a lot. And I'm not denying that. 

[smackie9]

What I don't see is any real communication. Like sitting down and him explaining to you his plans to work every shift possible, and for what reason. I need the money isn't an explanation. What changed? What is his goal with all this money he is making? Maybe you both go on a break, and see where you both will be in 6 months, etc. Take Wednesday as an opportunity to do this. You never know something can be worked out, or at least have proper closure.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 I'm an overly kind and considerate person. I just got a second job myself and it's given me more motivation and purpose in my life. 

These are wonderful qualities but they are wasted when you are with the wrong person. Someone who's just all over the place and whose chaos and disorder would only be accepted by someone he feels is a pushover.

 It's great you've found some part-time work. Have fun. Socialize more. Keep in mind you don't need the patience of a saint with the right man/someone with integrity.

Please get on quality PAID dating apps this time to screen out losers like this from the get go. 

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm an overly kind and considerate person.

This break-up is unrelated to you being kind and considerate, though. 

It's got a lot more to do with you ignoring your own needs just so you could have a boyfriend. From the get-go, there were signs that he wasn't as into you as you were into him. He canceled plans with you all the time, and prioritized so many things ahead of you. 

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

We were in love

You were in love. He was along for the ride, while it was convenient for him. His behaviour is not that of a man who was equally invested. Yes, he went along with a few of the couple-y things people do, but when it came to real commitment and consistently spending time with you, where was he? 

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I was so kind, patient, and giving to him.

Alex. Where did you get the idea that you can "nice" someone into a relationship? While kindness and patience are of course important, you don't seem to grasp that they are not the only elements needed in order for a relationship to work. You seem to be shocked that he could end it with such a kind and patient woman. But girl, you have to got to realize that if someone isn't feeling it, all the kindness in the world is not going to make them stay. 

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Why do I keep getting hurt?

Because you keep investing poorly. 

[Seraphim]

20 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I just feel like I was being myself. I'm an overly kind and considerate person. That's who I am. I guess it might be a bit pushover-ey but I am such a sweet and kind person.  I can't not be myself. I love helping people and making them happy. And I do have a life. I have friends, co-workers, family, and two jobs. I just got a second job myself and it's given me more motivation and purpose in my life. I've been on a weight loss journey and lost 25 pounds so far. I also love cooking, baking, walking. He knew I was doing these things. I enjoyed these things. I love music and was sending him concerts I thought looked fun. I'd talk about activities all the time we could do. But when it came down to doing them, then he was too tired,  lazy, or poor to do them. I'm not perfect. I did wait around on him a lot. And I'm not denying that. 

You can be sweet and kind and not be a pushover .