MIL Made Extremely Rude Comment

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

.She got upset and he said she started tearing up a little saying he doesn't care about her 

Is she divorced widowed or unhappily married? She seems quite clingy and given this it sheds a slightly new light on the dinner. It seems more like she wanted him all to herself rather than trying to disrespect you per se. Sometimes these neurotic lonely mothers want their sons to be like surrogate spouses.

Continue to encourage him to have appropriate boundaries. Hopefully you're scheduled for premarital counseling. Often in-laws are discussed because it's a frequent source of contention. 

[boltnrun]

I regard my son's spouse as another one of my children. Of course it's not the same as if I'd given birth or adopted his spouse, but I felt I gained rather than lost when they got married. And whenever I ask to take my son out to dinner for his birthday I always include his spouse. 

And I have never had a tracker on my adult kids! They're both over 21 and the idea is ridiculous. And I'm single (divorced for over 20 years). 

I'm sorry this has become somewhat difficult, but I'm a big believer in having conversations. Not just sweeping under the rug and hoping for the best. The conversation doesn't have to be confrontational. You can say something like "I'm looking forward to officially being your DIL. Maybe we could go to lunch and talk about how our relationship will be."

[Seraphim]

My in-laws were horrendous to me. My father-in-law is gone now and my MIL is ver very old and doesn’t have fight left in her to pick on me anymore thankfully. They always hated me “ for taking their son away.” They had my husband brow beaten extensively. Only recently has he started standing up for himself and us after decades of abuse. I have only had ONE conversation with my mother-in-law that had any substance and that was a month ago and I have known her 34 years. 
 

Some in-laws just don’t want to get along no matter what you do. I have been kind and supportive and polite and I started out loving. They just just plain out didn’t care. All they saw was loss not what they gained. I will be more than happy when both of them are gone. 

[Andrina]

The good thing is, is that he does stand up for you and himself, and doesn't give excuses for her behavior.

Good in-laws are not always a guarantee, but I say it's only a dealbreaker if the spouse is a wuss and lets the parent or parents manipulate and cross boundaries.

If she continues crossing boundaries, I suggest you buy a book or get a library book about boundaries and that you and your husband read it together. Implementing the boundaries early on will be key to nipping bad behavior in the bud. She will have to learn that she will treat you right or visits with her will be cut short. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Past couple of posts are so spot on!

[catfeeder]

How unfortunate, and I'm sorry you went through this.

The fact that fiancé pulled the plug on the tracking, along with this announcement following shortly afterward, I'd chalk this down as FMIL's internal fragility rather than as any intended reflection on you. You're likely guessing right that she threw 'celebration' out as a positive spin on wanting to meet with son over something privately important to her. If she had tunnel vision about that, it could have struck her that she messed up at exactly the wrong moment, and in exactly the wrong way.

Given your fiancé's shared view of her behavior and his willingness to address her, I'd credit him with the diplomacy and maturity to handle her and learn her purpose for wanting to meet him. Meanwhile, I would not automatically assume that it was about me, and I'd trust fiancé to learn whether we have a problem with his mother. 

 

[Batya33]

The other strange thing -since an engagement celebration celebrates the couple - did your FMIL not tell her son -I want to celebrate -but one on one??

[smackie9]

I still think there is more to this that what the MIL has revealed.

[itsallgrand]

28 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I still think there is more to this that what the MIL has revealed.

I think so too. 

[Wonderstruck]

20 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

She is who she is because she gets away with it and it works for her.   This is what spoiled, entitled people do. They say whatever they want because they can.  There are never any punishments nor harsh consequences so they continue doing what they know best which is be their rude selves.  Should MIL be confronted to explain herself, you'll hear nothing but gaslighting.  (Deflecting, changing the subject so you're perceived as crazy, there's something wrong with YOU, not they, twisting your words, distorting the issue and the same old trickery ad nauseum.) 

You'll hear lines such as these:  I was joking!  You're dramatic!  You're too sensitive.  I wasn't serious.  What is wrong with YOU?  You took it the wrong way. 

This is so spot-on. Thank you, Cherylyn. ❤️

"You're too sensitive" is code for "How dare you call me out on the way that I'm mistreating you?!"

Also, this woman had a TRACKER on her adult son?!

Run for your life, sis. It's not going to get better.

Horrifying.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Wonderstruck said:

This is so spot-on. Thank you, Cherylyn. ❤️

"You're too sensitive" is code for "How dare you call me out on the way that I'm mistreating you?!"

Also, this woman had a TRACKER on her adult son?!

Run for your life, sis. It's not going to get better.

Horrifying.

Yes,  thank you, @Wonderstruck  💗.  Unfortunately,  I've heard it all.  I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away.  🥺

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

This is so spot-on. Thank you, Cherylyn. ❤️

"You're too sensitive" is code for "How dare you call me out on the way that I'm mistreating you?!"

Also, this woman had a TRACKER on her adult son?!

Run for your life, sis. It's not going to get better.

Horrifying.

I wouldn't run yet as fiance seems to be willing to change and set his mom straight.  So I'd see if he implements cutting those inappropriate ties and insisting to his mom that she treat her with respect.

[niceknowingyou45]

My fiance's mom called him again earlier today (shocker, right) the woman calls him EVERY day but whatever I am not here to fight every battle and then in turn look like the bad guy trying to separate him from his mother because truly that's not my goal at all.  She has always been very kind to me and seemed supportive of our relationship.  When she called she asked him to meet her alone for dinner and when my fiance came back he said his mom wanted to discuss with him some red flags she sees in our relationship.  The main one being that as soon as we got engaged he insisted that she can't track him anymore and also that he took his mom's name off of his bank account. 

 

She said it just seems like the minute he got engaged he was trying to shut her out of his life by making sudden changes to how their relationship always operated.  She said she would never dream of tracking him just randomly but since he works overnights and he drives 4 hours she is just a concerned mom worrying about his sleep schedule with driving long distances overnight every night and that just because he suddenly has a fiance doesn't mean his mom isn't allowed to be a part of his worry and be concerned for him as well and that she shouldn't be "kicked off" his bank account just because he is engaged.  They have always had that account together and she is his mom and should be allowed to stay on it.

 

I know it sounds crazy but I am completely blindsided because his mom has always shown me kindness and respect and I thought she supported our relationship but obviously not know.  Truth be told obviously my fiance is allowed to interact, talk to, and visit his mother as much as he wants but I can't even stand to see her face after the horrible things she said basically implying I am some controlling *** rather than it just being her son growing up and setting healthy boundaries like an about to be married man should with his mother.  I am seeing an extremely unsettling dynamic on his mother's end (not his end) and I am looking at her with a whole different light.  I am almost on the verge of telling my fiance if she continues to go behind my back and trash me and our relationship she will not be welcome at our wedding because wedding guests should be people who support and love the couple.  I would never actually do that though because that is my fiance's mother and I have to respect that but lord do I want to.

[Cherylyn]

According to your FMIL, the umbilical cord is still attached.  She is meddlesome.  She wants her son to be a "Mama's Boy."

Her implying that you are controlling is a form of gaslighting.  She's manipulating the narrative. 

Establish boundaries.  Your fiance and you should have decreased interactions with your FMIL.  The less,  the better.  Decrease in person socializing.  Decrease texts or emails.  Decrease phone calls or voicemails.  Decrease all of it.  Decrease all of greatly. 

Sure,  remain  respectful and diplomatic at the bare minimum.  You can be polite and well mannered yet maintain a cool distance.  It's what I do and it's the only thing that works to protect yourself.  Boundaries,  boundaries,  boundaries.  There is no other way.  I've tried them all and nothing works as well as boundaries. 

[itsallgrand]

But you knew he had allowed the tracking and the shared bank account, right? It shouldn't be too shocking that there will be push back to changes to that when they have had this dynamic for so long. I don't really think it's entirely fair to put all of this on your MIL. Your fiance has had his part in this too. 

Its entirely reasonable to want this all sorted out before getting married. But I think maybe love goggles are making it hard for you to see that your SO is a part of this dynamic too. He has to be comfortable on his own establishing the boundaries and taking responsibility for that. Rather than come to you and say these things about his mom, he could just be handling it and telling you " I have some things with mom I need to work out, I hope you can be patient while I do these things I should have done a while ago".

Give them a chance to do it but tell him you don't want to hear reports of the private convos he has with his mom. You don't need to know, and you trust him to take care of it. And that there won't be misunderstandings again.

You are just starting out to a potential life long relationship with her. Think about what foot you want to put forward here at the first real blip in your relationship. You may have to make a few adjustments to expectations you have of her, but it's not as doom and gloom as it may feel right now to you. She has shown you many kindness es and so obviously does care to some degree about having a nice relationship with you. There's lots to work with here. 

[niceknowingyou45]

13 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

But you knew he had allowed the tracking and the shared bank account, right? It shouldn't be too shocking that there will be push back to changes to that when they have had this dynamic for so long. I don't really think it's entirely fair to put all of this on your MIL. Your fiance has had his part in this too. 

Its entirely reasonable to want this all sorted out before getting married. But I think maybe love goggles are making it hard for you to see that your SO is a part of this dynamic too. He has to be comfortable on his own establishing the boundaries and taking responsibility for that. Rather than come to you and say these things about his mom, he could just be handling it and telling you " I have some things with mom I need to work out, I hope you can be patient while I do these things I should have done a while ago".

Give them a chance to do it but tell him you don't want to hear reports of the private convos he has with his mom. You don't need to know, and you trust him to take care of it. And that there won't be misunderstandings again.

You are just starting out to a potential life long relationship with her. Think about what foot you want to put forward here at the first real blip in your relationship. You may have to make a few adjustments to expectations you have of her, but it's not as doom and gloom as it may feel right now to you. She has shown you many kindness es and so obviously does care to some degree about having a nice relationship with you. There's lots to work with here. 

I disagree that this isn't all my FMIL.  My fiance is the one willing to set healthy boundaries and his mom is the one who is trying to manipulate the narrative by calling me controlling which is a big form of gas lighting.  Yes the tracking and the bank account may have been acceptable and fine when he was younger but he is now about to be a married man of course the dynamic between him and his mother is going to shift a little bit.  I never said they couldn't talk to each other or spend time together alone but yes the dynamic will shift and that's perfectly natural and healthy.  A healthy loving mother will want her son to eventually grow up and live his life and not need her in the same way when he was 5 as he will when he is 10 15, 20 etc.  Think about it when you are a toddler your mom bathes you, correct?  But if your mom (not referring to a special needs person here) was still bathing you at 15 we can all agree that would be completely inappropriate, right?  It doesn't mean you love your mother any less at 15 then you did at 5 just that you are getting older and the relationship between you and your mother is going to change.  

 

Her son is about to be married and the apron strings need to be cut.  The bank account was fine when he was younger and single but now he is moving on to the next chapter of his life and about to be a married man of course it's perfectly natural and healthy to be sharing that now with your wife as opposed to your mother.  He isn't looking to marry and start a life with his mother but he is with his wife.  No reason his mom needs to have access to his money 24/7.  In laws and money is something that should never mix.  Isn't it better to set boundaries and nip this all in the bud now then wait until after the "I dos" are said and then try and fix it??

These are all completely normal and natural boundaries to have.  I am not saying he can't spend time with or have a relationship with his mom.

 

The fact that his mom instead of appreciating that her son is marrying someone great and that he is happy and healthy and moving forward with his life and congratulating him and being understanding is trying to deflect by labeling me controlling speaks volumes.

 

Sure she was always polite and kind to me but now that someone tells her one thing she doesn't want to hear all of a sudden after all these years I am "controlling."  That speaks volumes to what is to come in our relationship.  It doesn't look good.  It's easy to be polite when everyone is adhering to your narrative and going along with how you are doing things because no one is wanting to rock the boat and they want to tiptoe around you.

If he is going to come to me and say he has some things he has to work out with his mom I think I am owed transparency on what that is being this is my future husband.  If this affects my husband's life than by proxy it will affect me too and I can be pulled into his mother's unhealthy dynamic.

But I agree with you in that putting my best foot forward in regards to my relationship with my MIL is best. I will continue to remain kind to her of course but I am not going to engage with her in the same way as before at least not now.  I need to respect my own needs and boundaries as well and for right now that's not wasting my time and energy on people who trash me behind my back.  I did tell my fiance that I feel his mother owes me a sincere apology for very rudely telling my fiance right in front of me she was only expecting him and then calling me names behind my back.  That's not cool at all!  I have never once called my FMIL names to my fiance and I still wouldn't because I respect that's his mother but it cuts both ways his mother also needs to show respect for me as her son's wife to be and her son's relationship as well.

 

Quite frankly my fiance can engage with her as much as he wants but I don't really care to until I get an apology and I think that's showing respect to myself and my own personal boundaries.

[boltnrun]

I think the point was, your fiance was fine with leaving things as they were with the tracking device and bank account and only made the changes after you told him he should now that he's marrying you. He didn't make that decision all on his own with no input from you...or did I read that incorrectly? 

Is it possible he told his mom "I wasn't planning to make these changes but Fiancee wants me to"?

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

.  A healthy loving mother will want her son to eventually grow up and live his life and not need her in the same way when he was 5 

 But she's not  "a healthy loving mother", that's the problem. She may be cordial to you but she's threatened that she's losing control of him.  She seems bit neurotic. 

Is she widowed, divorced or unhappily married? Definitely distance yourself from her and let your fiance handle it.

Do not speak with her one-on-one because she already (in her twisted mind) sees you as stealing her baby.  This is your fiance's battle, not yours. He's the one who needs to stand up to her. 

Unfortunately she's using manipulative guilt trips to tighten her grip and maintain her control. These "red flags" she is talking about are really her problems.

Don't take it personally. But please get premarital counseling to get things in the open as well as continuing to let your fiance sever these ties. 

[niceknowingyou45]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I think the point was, your fiance was fine with leaving things as they were with the tracking device and bank account and only made the changes after you told him he should now that he's marrying you. He didn't make that decision all on his own with no input from you...or did I read that incorrectly? 

Is it possible he told his mom "I wasn't planning to make these changes but Fiancee wants me to"?

 

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

My fiance has never shown me signs that he is a momma's boy and/or that he would throw me under the bus.  If he would that's a whole other can of worms.  He wouldn't do that though.  I mean of course I talked to him about unhealthy dynamics I notice between him and his mother because we are about to be married.  When should I have waited until after the "I dos" are done isn't it a little too late by that point?

For arguments sake let's say hypothetically speaking he did mention that to his mother.  It doesn't make one controlling to not want their future spouse to be a momma's boy or to notice some unhealthy going on and want it addressed.  That's literally called addressing things to your partner. Do you never raise concerns or discuss things with your partner?  Again I will repeat myself his mother calling me controlling is her way of manipulating the narrative because instead of seeing that he/she/I has a point and that her behaviors and attachment towards her grown about to be married son are unhealthy she is deflecting by placing the blame on me and calling me controlling.  Whether or not it's coming from me/him/us/the man on the moon shouldn't matter.  The point is he is the one addressing it with his mother I wasn't even there at the time.  Whether or not I brought it up to him or not doesn't detract from the fact his mom has some attachment issues to her grown son that she needs to sort out and not be enabled. 

 

Those types of behaviors could eventually seep into other areas of our life that will affect us as a couple..

It is very strange and like I mentioned earlier in this thread a very unhealthy sign that his mother needs to track her grown adult son.  He is no longer a child under her roof or under her care but rather a man about to be married.  Am I not allowed to point out things I notice to my own future husband.  This dynamic will affect me too.  I was explaining to him how continuing to allow his mom to track him is a sign that he is enabling this unhealthy dynamic that his mom has an adult umbilical cord or an adult baby monitor attached to him.  He is almost 30 for pete's sake his mommy doesn't need to know every where about or be able to have access and/or keep track of every cent his spends.  That's just another enabling behavior on the part of my fiance.   

 

[boltnrun]

He could have put a stop to it years ago but he didn't. He either doesn't think it's a big deal or he doesn't mind being that attached to his mother. 

Anyway, it's a shame to potentially have a contentious relationship with your MIL. I was fortunate to have a wonderful MIL. I feel for those who aren't as lucky as I have been. 

[niceknowingyou45]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 But she's not  "a healthy loving mother", that's the problem. She may be cordial to you but she's threatened that she's losing control of him.  She seems bit neurotic. 

Is she widowed, divorced or unhappily married? Definitely distance yourself from her and let your fiance handle it.

Do not speak with her one-on-one because she already (in her twisted mind) sees you as stealing her baby. 

Unfortunately she's using manipulative guilt trips to tighten her grip and maintain her control. These "red flags" she is talking about are really her problems.

Don't take it personally. But please get premarital counseling to get things in the open as well as continuing to let your fiance sever these ties. 

She has been divorced from my husband's father for 18 years now and has a long term live in BF of 15 years. After the things she said about me I am certainly not planning on speaking with her at all for the time being let alone one-on-one.  I was planning on speaking with her one-by-one until she met with my fiance tonight for dinner and bashed me.  Trust me I know it's not me at all but rather instead his mother's unhealthy desire to remain in the driver's seat of her adult son's life.  It's easier for her to call me controlling rather than to take a look in the mirror herself and acknowledge she has attachment issues she herself may need counseling for. Calling me controlling is allowing her to place the blame for her attachment issues onto me instead of acknowledging her own personal issues.

I already called around and left messages for some reputable counselors in the area to get premarital counseling.

[niceknowingyou45]

Just now, boltnrun said:

He could have put a stop to it years ago but he didn't. He either doesn't think it's a big deal or he doesn't mind being that attached to his mother. 

Anyway, it's a shame to potentially have a contentious relationship with your MIL. I was fortunate to have a wonderful MIL. I feel for those who aren't as lucky as I have been. 

Right but we are about to be married and I am not comfortable with my husband being tracked by someone else.  The marriage relationship is supposed to be the most important.  We become each others primary/nuclear family now the rest become extended.  I don't want extended family tracking us.  Since we will be married by proxy I will be tracked as well since we are together a lot of the time and the whole bank account thing of course when you get married you switch that over from your parents to your spouse?  Is this not normal practice where you are from?  Once married it stops becoming "my" money or "his" money but rather "our" money and by having his mother on our account that allows her open access anytime until our financial business which down the line would do worse for our relationship than any boundaries we set with her would.

Helping to open my fiance's eyes to the unhealthy set up his mother had with him there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.  Often times when you are raised like that you become numb or unaware that something is unhealthy so it takes another person outside of that dynamic to point out hey that's not cool/acceptable.  I am assuming my fiance grew up with his mother not being able to let go in any sort of fashion so he had been brainwashed and conditioned to find that behavior normal and acceptable.

As soon as I addressed this all with him he got it right away and was fine with the boundaries I proposed.

 

[Wonderstruck]

23 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

I disagree that this isn't all my FMIL.  My fiance is the one willing to set healthy boundaries and his mom is the one who is trying to manipulate the narrative by calling me controlling which is a big form of gas lighting.  Yes the tracking and the bank account may have been acceptable and fine when he was younger but he is now about to be a married man of course the dynamic between him and his mother is going to shift a little bit.  I never said they couldn't talk to each other or spend time together alone but yes the dynamic will shift and that's perfectly natural and healthy.  A healthy loving mother will want her son to eventually grow up and live his life and not need her in the same way when he was 5 as he will when he is 10 15, 20 etc.  Think about it when you are a toddler your mom bathes you, correct?  But if your mom (not referring to a special needs person here) was still bathing you at 15 we can all agree that would be completely inappropriate, right?  It doesn't mean you love your mother any less at 15 then you did at 5 just that you are getting older and the relationship between you and your mother is going to change.  

 

Her son is about to be married and the apron strings need to be cut.  The bank account was fine when he was younger and single but now he is moving on to the next chapter of his life and about to be a married man of course it's perfectly natural and healthy to be sharing that now with your wife as opposed to your mother.  He isn't looking to marry and start a life with his mother but he is with his wife.  No reason his mom needs to have access to his money 24/7.  In laws and money is something that should never mix.  Isn't it better to set boundaries and nip this all in the bud now then wait until after the "I dos" are said and then try and fix it??

These are all completely normal and natural boundaries to have.  I am not saying he can't spend time with or have a relationship with his mom.

 

The fact that his mom instead of appreciating that her son is marrying someone great and that he is happy and healthy and moving forward with his life and congratulating him and being understanding is trying to deflect by labeling me controlling speaks volumes.

 

Sure she was always polite and kind to me but now that someone tells her one thing she doesn't want to hear all of a sudden after all these years I am "controlling."  That speaks volumes to what is to come in our relationship.  It doesn't look good.  It's easy to be polite when everyone is adhering to your narrative and going along with how you are doing things because no one is wanting to rock the boat and they want to tiptoe around you.

If he is going to come to me and say he has some things he has to work out with his mom I think I am owed transparency on what that is being this is my future husband.  If this affects my husband's life than by proxy it will affect me too and I can be pulled into his mother's unhealthy dynamic.

But I agree with you in that putting my best foot forward in regards to my relationship with my MIL is best. I will continue to remain kind to her of course but I am not going to engage with her in the same way as before at least not now.  I need to respect my own needs and boundaries as well and for right now that's not wasting my time and energy on people who trash me behind my back.  I did tell my fiance that I feel his mother owes me a sincere apology for very rudely telling my fiance right in front of me she was only expecting him and then calling me names behind my back.  That's not cool at all!  I have never once called my FMIL names to my fiance and I still wouldn't because I respect that's his mother but it cuts both ways his mother also needs to show respect for me as her son's wife to be and her son's relationship as well.

 

Quite frankly my fiance can engage with her as much as he wants but I don't really care to until I get an apology and I think that's showing respect to myself and my own personal boundaries.

This entire comment is *Chef's kiss*. Beautiful!

I don't even know you, but I am so damn proud of you.

I LOVE seeing a woman who refuses to let herself be gas-lit, guilt-tripped, or manipulated by someone who is OBVIOUSLY IN THE WRONG.

Stay strong in your convictions and principles.

Also, your future mother-in-law sounds SO creepy and manipulative! "I don't see why I should be kicked off of my son's bank account just because he's getting married! Why are you shutting me out like this?!"

Are you kidding me?! Yuck. You deserve so much better. ❤️

[LootieTootie]

I think its weird that a mom has a tracker and shared bank account with a grown son who is healthy and functional.

It's also good that you stick up for yourself and your partner/husband is 100% supporting you.

[niceknowingyou45]

7 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

This entire comment is *Chef's kiss*. Beautiful!

I don't even know you, but I am so damn proud of you.

I LOVE seeing a woman who refuses to let herself be gas-lit, guilt-tripped, or manipulated by someone who is OBVIOUSLY IN THE WRONG.

Stay strong in your convictions and principles.

Also, your future mother-in-law sounds SO creepy and manipulative! "I don't see why I should be kicked off of my son's bank account just because he's getting married! Why are you shutting me out like this?!"

Are you kidding me?! Yuck. You deserve so much better. ❤️

Aww OMG thank you SOOO much!! While 95% of the comments have been supportive I felt a little defeated by the last couple that tried to low key turn it around by me by trying to imply I was controlling for discussing an unhealthy dynamic with my future husband and helping him realize what is and isn't healthy and to now want my husband to be stalked via app and to want my MIL's nose out of our marital finances.  Like to me it's just absolutely amazing how someone can read the horrid things my MIL said about me and how she twisted the narrative so bad by labeling me controlling but yet they still manage to twist it up bad enough where I come out as the bad guy.  Like holy crap batman!

So I really and truly appreciate you kind love and support very very much!!