MIL Made Extremely Rude Comment

[Seraphim]

I kinda know about marriage. 😉Been married 30 years and been with my husband 34 years. 

[niceknowingyou45]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

You’ve expressed your personal standards very well. But they are your opinion. There’s a huge range of familial relationships when people marry. So I would express your personal opinions and standards and expectations to your fiancé in a kind and thoughtful way and see what he thinks. 
when my parents married in 1956 in their early 20s he told her no more spending every Sunday all day with her family. Who spoke a language my dad didn’t - a foreign language. He wanted Sunday for them. For movies and parks and museums. He was fine with once a month or less. This was hard for my mom but she understood and compromised. She was only 21.  Married people often feel differently about this sort of issue and they compromise. I highly suggest you do. Or decide ultimately you don’t want to marry his family the way the dynamic is. It does seem extreme to me.

Marriage has taught me humility. Including checking myself when something is merely my opinion not “right “. Which comes up a lot in parenting I find. For example. 

I see your point.  Just to be clear with the whole tracking thing and the whole mother on his bank account thing I have addressed it very nice and respectfully to my fiance and he saw my point right away.  Where there is no right or wrong more applies to if he wants to talk to his mother 3x a day ( this isn't the case just an example)  that doesn't affect me at all but what does affect me is giving my MIL open access to our family money and to our whereabouts.  Yes technically the tracker is on my fiance's phone but let's be real couples naturally spend a lot of their free time together so by proxy she will be tracking me to.  Do I think it is strange that my FMIL insists on talking to her about to be grown married son everyday and gets upset if he doesn't pick up or talk to her everyday I must admit yes.  However, I don't address that with my fiance because that is something that is a dynamic strictly between my fiance and his mother however open access to where we are and to our financial business does affect me.  Inviting in laws into your life that personally is never a good idea especially when it comes to money.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

I see your point.  Just to be clear with the whole tracking thing and the whole mother on his bank account thing I have addressed it very nice and respectfully to my fiance and he saw my point right away.  Where there is no right or wrong more applies to if he wants to talk to his mother 3x a day ( this isn't the case just an example)  that doesn't affect me at all but what does affect me is giving my MIL open access to our family money and to our whereabouts.  Yes technically the tracker is on my fiance's phone but let's be real couples naturally spend a lot of their free time together so by proxy she will be tracking me to.  Do I think it is strange that my FMIL insists on talking to her about to be grown married son everyday and gets upset if he doesn't pick up or talk to her everyday I must admit yes.  However, I don't address that with my fiance because that is something that is a dynamic strictly between my fiance and his mother however open access to where we are and to our financial business does affect me.  Inviting in laws into your life that personally is never a good idea especially when it comes to money.

Again pls make yourself express it as your opinion. Not a general truth. It’s simply your opinion. I’d address with him the specific situations that you feel cross your personal boundaries. 

[niceknowingyou45]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Again pls make yourself express it as your opinion. Not a general truth. It’s simply your opinion. I’d address with him the specific situations that you feel cross your personal boundaries. 

Again these are things that will effect me.  Having access to family money and our families whereabouts affects me that's not an opinion that's fact.

[niceknowingyou45]

19 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Wow, his mom is super over the top . I am not on my son’s account and I don’t tell him when to sleep etc and he is disabled . True he lives at home but I am not up in his grill . 

Wait hold up I just noticed now you agree his mom is super over the top but then you go ahead and say it's ok for him to "see her side" which if you agree is over the top isn't that a form of manipulating her son.  Making him feel guilty for setting boundaries on things that are over the top?

[Seraphim]

19 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

Wait hold up I just noticed now you agree his mom is super over the top but then you go ahead and say it's ok for him to "see her side" which if you agree is over the top isn't that a form of manipulating her son.  Making him feel guilty for setting boundaries on things that are over the top?

Do I think she is over the top? Yes. Has he defended you ? Yes. Do I feel he needs to pound her feelings into submission and emotionally beat on her ? No. He has set boundaries, bring up your concerns to him and let him handle it. Do I think people should try and see someone else’s side , yes. It is hard but you want your relationship to succeed. 
 

If you don’t like the situation leaving is always an option. 

[Cherylyn]

13 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Do I think she is over the top? Yes. Has he defended you ? Yes. Do I feel he needs to pound her feelings into submission and emotionally beat on her ? No. He has set boundaries, bring up your concerns to him and let him handle it. Do I think people should try and see someone else’s side , yes. It is hard but you want your relationship to succeed. 
 

If you don’t like the situation leaving is always an option. 

I agree.  Defer to him.  I defer to my husband and let him handle HIS mother or say something to her because she'll listen to him more than me.  Funny how that works.  MIL listens to her son but I'm just hot air.  Suits me just fine.  Less work for me. 👍 I no longer waste my time and energy on her.  I'm rather dismissive.  You do the same.  Don't do anything and don't say anything.  Don't text either!  Learn to disengage.  Stay out of it and enforce strict boundaries.  It's dicey with in-laws but you can survive if you play your cards right and navigate the dynamic shrewdly.  You have to be calculating in order to protect yourself and your relationship (someday marriage) otherwise being too close can sorely backfire.  Take it from me,  use your brain and think ahead.  You will be fine as long as you're smart. 

Also these MILs (if they're smart, that is) will discover that if they're nice to their DIL,  they'll have more access to their son and be able to see him more often than not.  Be unkind,  inconsiderate and disrespectful to DIL?  Well, good luck with that. 😖 Mothers won't be able to be with their sons very much and phone calls will greatly decrease to nil.  Smart MILs will do the math.  Dumb MILs will wonder why she alienated her son and DIL?  Note to all mothers:  Be very kind and respectful towards your DIL or it won't end well.  🙄 😒 Bye bye son.🖐️

[Seraphim]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

I agree.  Defer to him.  I defer to my husband and let him handle HIS mother or say something to her because she'll listen to him more than me.  Funny how that works.  MIL listens to her son but I'm just hot air.  Suits me just fine.  Less work for me. 👍 I no longer waste my time and energy on her.  I'm rather dismissive.  You do the same.  Don't do anything and don't say anything.  Don't text either!  Learn to disengage.  Stay out of it and enforce strict boundaries.  It's dicey with in-laws but you can survive if you play your cards right and navigate the dynamic shrewdly.  You have to be calculating in order to protect yourself and your relationship (someday marriage) otherwise being too close can sorely backfire.  Take it from me,  use your brain and think ahead.  You will be fine as long as you're smart. 

Also these MILs (if they're smart, that is) will discover that if they're nice to their DIL,  they'll have more access to their son and be able to see him more often than not.  Be unkind,  inconsiderate and disrespectful to DIL?  Well, good luck with that. 😖 Mothers won't be able to be with their sons very much and phone calls will greatly decrease to nil.  Smart MILs will do the math.  Dumb MILs will wonder why she alienated her son and DIL?  Note to all mothers:  Be very kind and respectful towards your DIL or it won't end well.  🙄 😒 Bye bye son.🖐️

I agree, the less I talk to my mother-in-law the better. I wish he would go see her by himself all the time . 😝🤣 In all seriousness that would be best. Mostly she is too old to bug me , she doesn’t have the energy anymore. Now she just gets my husband and his sister to fight . But she will be 89 next week how much longer can she last . 😉I am glad we haven’t lived close for about 15 years and soon enough will be moving even further away. I have only been respectful and polite because she is my husband’s mother and I adore him. After his mom goes his sister can go fly a kite. We will be 7-8 hours away which will be great. 

[Batya33]

A good question to ask yourself in these situations - Do I want to be close or do I want to be "right"?

[niceknowingyou45]

OMG that's terrible to say about your husband's mother by saying how much longer can she last?

[niceknowingyou45]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Do I think she is over the top? Yes. Has he defended you ? Yes. Do I feel he needs to pound her feelings into submission and emotionally beat on her ? No. He has set boundaries, bring up your concerns to him and let him handle it. Do I think people should try and see someone else’s side , yes. It is hard but you want your relationship to succeed. 
 

If you don’t like the situation leaving is always an option. 

Can you clarify what you mean by pounding her feelings into submission?  I am not being smart I have never heard that expression before.

[Seraphim]

29 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

OMG that's terrible to say about your husband's mother by saying how much longer can she last?

Well, she said to me when I lost one of my babies, well it was for the best dear you looked god awful anyway. 
 

So, what can I say. She isn’t a nice woman. And was a nasty biatch to me since 1989. 

[MissCanuck]

I think you, your finacé, and your future MIL have some changing to do, OP. 

His mom is too invasive and overly-attached. 

Your finacé is too flimsy in his boundaries with her. 

You are quite reactive and go on the defensive pretty quickly (as evidenced in your responses to many posters here)

All three of you stand to learn something here and make positive changes moving forward. 

 

[niceknowingyou45]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you, your finacé, and your future MIL have some changing to do, OP. 

His mom is too invasive and overly-attached. 

Your finacé is too flimsy in his boundaries with her. 

You are quite reactive and go on the defensive pretty quickly (as evidenced in your responses to many posters here)

All three of you stand to learn something here and make positive changes moving forward. 

 

I definitely can't argue that I am quite reactive.  I am working on that.  I just can't stand toxic manipulative people like my FMIL turned out to be.  I felt it very sneaky to not warn my fiance ahead of time on what dinner this was.  There is one thing to have a dinner alone with your child which is completely normal and acceptable and another to turn said dinner into a manipulative fiance bashing session.  What does she think her son is going to do?  Suddenly after being together for years be like, "you know what mom you're absolutely right she is terrible let me go home and break off the engagement right now."  No of course his loyalty is going to be to his soon to be wife I don't know why his mother thought it would be to her manipulative ways over his wife to be.

[Batya33]

How exactly do you work on being less reactive ? How often and what do you do?  I’ve had to as a parent and a wife - moreso the former. With the latter it’s more about taking a step back and pausing - whether for a minute or 24 hours or forever and choosing timing and method of how to communicate an issue. It does take work. First it’s about owning it not as in “can’t argue with that” but affirmatively owning it “I react out of frustration too often in ways that are not effective/rude/inappropriate “ - whatever. Like what I suggested about humility and whether you want to be “right “ or close. 
what to me is tough about these sorts of situations is you can’t just tell yourself “oh yes I need to work on that”. You have to do the nitty gritty work and often in a habit building way. JMHO. 
 

[mylolita]

Hey OP!
 

I am sorry this has hit you - Y’know, I find parents of your boyfriend are always pretty accepting and casual, because it’s easy, and doesn’t really feel “that serious” yet, but when an engagement is announced? Sometimes you get the true colours! 
 

I’ve been with my husband 15 years, we have 3 babies together, and when we got engaged, we had been living together for 3 and a half years (I was 21 by this point) and his parents had always been quite cold and judgemental, even rude to me sometimes, but when my husband announced to his Dad that he’d just asked me to marry him, do you know what his Dad said? He said, “Why?” And then, I went and ordered a drink at the bar, I was that offended. What I didn’t know is that he then said to his son, “I don’t know where you’re coming from!!!!”

 

Wow! 
 

They have been lovely to me sometimes, and really helped us out, but there have been times when both of their behaviours have been so so bad, totally out of hand. We have children so it’s complicated, but lately, now I’m 33, I just see them only when I need to (big family events, holidays like Christmas, Birthdays, a funeral). I let my husband take our kids round for a catch up and I stay home and get on with whatever I want to do. I haven’t seen my mother in law for probably 3 months and she only lives a half hour drive down the road. 

 

For so many years I savoured the thought of snapping at them, or telling them how I really felt. I think the realisation that they were going to be part of our lives for as long as they lived stopped me, just in the nick of time! (I have semi snapped once, and I actually got an apology from the MIL, but by then, our relationship was pretty soured!) 
 

I would suggest this: you are angry, and your boundaries have been stomped on, you’re frustrated, you don’t agree with how their relationship is handled and how she is being with you. I get this, I really do.

 

But, good for you, you have told your fiancé how you feel - and as long as you let him know and you are both in agreement (you’re a team, after all!) he can slowly make those changes. They seem close, you can’t expect them to be more distant, but the tracking and the joint bank account, that stuff can be reduced in time over the year. Hopefully your to be husband agrees with you and can do this and handle his mum in a way that he thinks best!

 

Now for your sanity! Give yourself major distance from her! Only see her on your wedding day if you must! That simple. You don’t have to entertain anyone who treats you disrespectfully. Let your husband handle his mother, just know he has your back. You could bring this up with him in another 6 months, see where it’s at!

 

In laws can be a minefield - it’s luck of the drawer to get father in laws and mother in laws who are like second parents. It’s probably a rare and beautiful thing! The rest of us have to navigate these awkward relationships with in laws who are getting older, crankier, and often more set in their ways than ever!

 

I would take some serious time away, and let them go on a few dinners together, get it out of the mother in laws system. Take time for yourself and vent to a friend!
 

Mother in laws - they should come with a caution!!!

 

x

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Hey OP!
 

I am sorry this has hit you - Y’know, I find parents of your boyfriend are always pretty accepting and casual, because it’s easy, and doesn’t really feel “that serious” yet, but when an engagement is announced? Sometimes you get the true colours! 
 

I’ve been with my husband 15 years, we have 3 babies together, and when we got engaged, we had been living together for 3 and a half years (I was 21 by this point) and his parents had always been quite cold and judgemental, even rude to me sometimes, but when my husband announced to his Dad that he’d just asked me to marry him, do you know what his Dad said? He said, “Why?” And then, I went and ordered a drink at the bar, I was that offended. What I didn’t know is that he then said to his son, “I don’t know where you’re coming from!!!!”

 

Wow! 
 

They have been lovely to be sometimes, and really helped us out, but there have been times when both of their behaviours have been so so bad, totally out of hand. We have children so it’s complicated, but lately, now I’m 33, I just see them only when I need to (big family events, holidays like Christmas, Birthdays, a funeral). I let my husband take our kids round for a catch up and I stay home and get on with whatever I want to do.

 

For so many years I savoured the thought of snapping at them, or telling them how I really felt. I think the realisation that they were going to be part of our lives for as long as they lived stopped me, just in the nick of time! 
 

I would suggest this: you are angry, and your boundaries have been stomped on, and you’re frustrated and you don’t agree with how their relationship is handled and how she is being with you. I get this, I really do.

 

But, good for you, you have told your fiancé how you feel - and as long as you let him know and you are both in agreement (you’re a team, after all!) he can slowly make those changes. They seem close, you can’t expect them to be more distant, but the tracking and the joint bank account, that stuff can be reduced in time over the year. Hopefully your to be husband agrees with you and can do this and handle his mum in a way that he thinks best!

 

Now for your sanity! Give yourself major distance from her! Only see her on your wedding day if you must! That simple. You don’t have to entertain anyone who treats you disrespectfully. Let your husband handle his mother, just know he has your back. You could bring this up with him in another 6 months, see where it’s at!

 

In laws can be a minefield - it’s luck of the drawer to get father in laws and mother in laws who are like second parents. It’s probably a rare and beautiful thing! The rest of us have to navigate these awkward relationships with parents who are getting older, crankier, and often more art in their ways than ever!

 

I would take some serious time away, and let them go on a few dinners together, get it out of the mother in laws system. Take time for yourself and vent to a friend! Mother in laws - they should come with a caution!!!

 

x

I agree, you don’t always get good in-laws. I remember when I got engaged my father-in-law told me “ you will NEVER be part of this family, EVER. It was supposed to be the four of us to the end of time !!!!” And he stomped off. He threw me and his two month old grandson out on Christmas morning at 6 AM because my son had the nerve to cry at night when we stayed over . When we would visit I would get told to get in the basement while my husband was allowed to sit upstairs to talk to his dad, then my MIL would come down and say ,” oh you’re still in the basement “ and laugh maniacally and go upstairs. And as awful as they were to me they severely emotionally abused my poor husband over his life time so he was suicidal three times in his life . Now our son has even seen the true colours. 
 

Not nice people . I don’t know how many husband got to be the sweet man he is. 

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

I definitely can't argue that I am quite reactive.  I am working on that.  I just can't stand toxic manipulative people like my FMIL turned out to be.  I felt it very sneaky to not warn my fiance ahead of time on what dinner this was.  There is one thing to have a dinner alone with your child which is completely normal and acceptable and another to turn said dinner into a manipulative fiance bashing session.  What does she think her son is going to do?  Suddenly after being together for years be like, "you know what mom you're absolutely right she is terrible let me go home and break off the engagement right now."  No of course his loyalty is going to be to his soon to be wife I don't know why his mother thought it would be to her manipulative ways over his wife to be.

OP,

 

You are right - your relationship really has nothing to do with his mother. She can have her opinion, and try to meddle of course, but if her son is happy and there are no big reasons to come to him about you, she is stirring and that is so not cool!!!

 

I have a temper - it’s hard to calm down, especially if I feel like I am being attacked, and especially if I feel like I’m being attacked in a sneaky, underhand, passive aggressive way!! Ugh! And this is how women often are - they don’t say, “I’ll fight you round the back of the sheds tomorrow”. No, it’s character assassination, gossiping, manipulation, passive aggressive whatever… it can chip away at your defences if done over a long period of time, and drive the most saintly to visualise murder!!!

 

I often use inner humour to deflect my feelings and keep my inner peace. For example, the last time she came, we closed the door and my husband turned to me to say something and I quickly added, “She’s going STRAIGHT to the nursing home!” And we both laughed. It was better than ranting about it all night and working myself up. 
 

You clash because often your husband will think you’re overreacting. Or he may! Because it’s also his mother, after all! It’s a tough one.

 

Space, don’t get involved with her much now and also, keep yourself light about it, crack a joke inwardly and try and not let it all get heavy! You’ll be fine - look to organising your beautiful wedding and plan for the future! 
 

x

[mylolita]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I agree, you don’t always get good in-laws. I remember when I got engaged my father-in-law told me “ you will NEVER be part of this family, EVER. It was supposed to be the four of us to the end of time !!!!” And he stomped off. He threw me and his two month old grandson out on Christmas morning at 6 AM because my son had the nerve to cry at night when we stayed over . When we would visit I would get told to get in the basement while my husband was allowed to sit upstairs to talk to his dad, then my MIL would come down and say ,” oh you’re still in the basement “ and laugh maniacally and go upstairs. And as awful as they were to me they severely emotionally abused my poor husband over his life time so he was suicidal three times in his life . Now our son has even seen the true colours. 
 

Not nice people . I don’t know how many husband got to be the sweet man he is. 

Let’s crack open a bag of pop corn and all fish some serious dirt on our in laws! 
 

LOL! 
 

Hey! Hey, if your mother in law likes you, as a daughter in law? You’re probably not doing your job right!!!

 

Let’s see how this all goes down for me in about 20 years time as my eldest is a boy - ha ha ha ha!! I’ll be there with my tracker! 😉 We’ll have AI by then, I could just be a floating head he can metamorph around while he teleports to his wife’s pod or something on Mars 🤣

 

X

[bluecastle]

5 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

I definitely can't argue that I am quite reactive.  I am working on that.  I just can't stand toxic manipulative people like my FMIL turned out to be. 

Big picture, just want to say: Really, truly sorry you're dealing with this. A total blow to follow the engagement that would leave anyone in your shoes reeling. 

I highlighted the above because what I saw in this post was a brief acknowledgement of your tendency to be reactive quickly followed by a justification: she's toxic, it would be one thing for X, but given that it's Y, well.... Again, I get it: the wound is fresh, emotions are hot. But of the three variables here, you are the only one that you have any real control over, so this might be a good time to see about carving out new avenues for that reactive instinct. 

For example: You can define his mother as a "toxic manipulative person," which positions her squarely as an enemy with near sorceress-like powers, or you could define her as "emotionally fragile and overly attached to her adult son," which positions her more as a pebble in the boot of your life and relationship. Neither framework negates the hurt of this moment, or her overstepping, but the latter may make confronting it a bit less challenging.

To be clear, I'm not writing the above to redirect "blame" away from her and aim at you. My personal belief is that the whole tracker device thing is beyond unhealthy—and I'd say the same thing if your husband-to-be was still a 12-year-old boy. But alongside that belief is another, which is that it's way easier to handle the shortcomings of other people when they're not taken personally or infused with demonic intent.

To my eyes, there are a lot of positives at play right now: your partner is being open and transparent with you while also taking very real steps to address the places where his dynamic with his mother is unhealthy. That will not be an immediate transformation. But a month from now, six months from now, two years from now: things will very likely be much, much better, and one of the pluses of marriage is that you can take comfort in the long view, especially when the immediate view is choppy.  

  

[Seraphim]

3 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Big picture, just want to say: Really, truly sorry you're dealing with this. A total blow to follow the engagement that would leave anyone in your shoes reeling. 

I highlighted the above because what I saw in this post was a brief acknowledgement of your tendency to be reactive quickly followed by a justification: she's toxic, it would be one thing for X, but given that it's Y, well.... Again, I get it: the wound is fresh, emotions are hot. But of the three variables here, you are the only one that you have any real control over, so this might be a good time to see about carving out new avenues for that reactive instinct. 

For example: You can define his mother as a "toxic manipulative person," which positions her squarely as an enemy with near sorceress-like powers, or you could define her as "emotionally fragile and overly attached to her adult son," which positions her more as a pebble in the boot of your life and relationship. Neither framework negates the hurt of this moment, or her overstepping, but the latter may make confronting it a bit less challenging.

To be clear, I'm not writing the above to redirect "blame" away from her and aim at you. My personal belief is that the whole tracker device thing is beyond unhealthy—and I'd say the same thing if your husband-to-be was still a 12-year-old boy. But alongside that belief is another, which is that it's way easier to handle the shortcomings of other people when they're not taken personally or infused with demonic intent.

To my eyes, there are a lot of positives at play right now: your partner is being open and transparent with you while also taking very real steps to address the places where his dynamic with his mother is unhealthy. That will not be an immediate transformation. But a month from now, six months from now, two years from now: things will very likely be much, much better, and one of the pluses of marriage is that you can take comfort in the long view, especially when the immediate view is choppy.  

  

Exactly , it is all how you frame it which creates a different way to respond. I am just polite and detached. I tolerate them because I love my husband and my son and they are their family. I was willing because I adore my husband and he deserved to get away from them. I keep in mind too they are my son’s family. 

[Cherylyn]

On 11/14/2023 at 4:14 PM, Batya33 said:

A good question to ask yourself in these situations - Do I want to be close or do I want to be "right"?

That's mostly a question for the MIL.  She'd better be nice to her DIL or her son will be MIA (missing in action) for the rest of her life.  😒

It's the natural response.  Be nice?  Then we're all in and her son is available to his mother.  Be condescending towards DIL?  MIL is unable to chat with her son often and won't see her son for the majority of every year.  These are the harsh consequences for a spoiled brat mouth.  MIL:  Wave your son good-bye.  🖐️

[Cherylyn]

On 11/14/2023 at 4:12 PM, Seraphim said:

I agree, the less I talk to my mother-in-law the better. I wish he would go see her by himself all the time . 😝🤣 In all seriousness that would be best. Mostly she is too old to bug me , she doesn’t have the energy anymore. Now she just gets my husband and his sister to fight . But she will be 89 next week how much longer can she last . 😉I am glad we haven’t lived close for about 15 years and soon enough will be moving even further away. I have only been respectful and polite because she is my husband’s mother and I adore him. After his mom goes his sister can go fly a kite. We will be 7-8 hours away which will be great. 

A lot of MILs feel as if they're the matriarch of the clan and they are entitled to say whatever they want because they get away with it ~  until a smartened up and fed up DIL says,  "No more."  Some DILs resort to estrangement.  Some DILs will establish strict boundaries which works.  The less interfacing and encounters,  the better.  At least the abuse is not as much. 

For some DILs,  1:1 conversations with their DILs are awfully risky which I can attest.  When witnesses abound,  MILs or people in general tend to be more guarded, careful and exercise self control or so I've noticed.  In order to protect yourself as much as possible,  always make sure there are absolutely NO private conversations with MIL or anyone who is deceitful and untrustworthy.   Live and learn.

I agree with you @Seraphim .  I'm just waiting for MIL to die and then we can have relief!  🤗

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

That's mostly a question for the MIL.  She'd better be nice to her DIL or her son will be MIA (missing in action) for the rest of her life.  😒

It's the natural response.  Be nice?  Then we're all in and her son is available to his mother.  Be condescending towards DIL?  MIL is unable to chat with her son often and won't see her son for the majority of every year.  These are the harsh consequences for a spoiled brat mouth.  MIL:  Wave your son good-bye.  🖐️

I think it's essential for a marriage - as stuff comes up.  And I don't agree with the assumptions -depends on the individual relationships. And also sometimes on financial ties.  As an outsider - I  loved my inlaws -FIL became cranky and not as nice after my MIL passed for his last couple of years in his late 80s - but in general you marry the family and no I don't think wife is always Queen Bee.  

[niceknowingyou45]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's essential for a marriage - as stuff comes up.  And I don't agree with the assumptions -depends on the individual relationships. And also sometimes on financial ties.  As an outsider - I  loved my inlaws -FIL became cranky and not as nice after my MIL passed for his last couple of years in his late 80s - but in general you marry the family and no I don't think wife is always Queen Bee.  

Wait what?!  You don't think wife always should be more important/come before the man's mother?  You make vows to forsake all others when you marry and it's known that your spouse becomes your immediate family (your spouse and any kids if you choose to have them) and also the law would disagree with you as well.  Because god forbid if your husband got into an accident and he was unable to make medical decisions for himself that decision would be left to his wife and if he were to die his next of kin would be considered his spouse not his mother.  So clearly wife > mother.  Also never mind the sole fact that you are spending the rest of your life with your wife, possibly having children with her, sharing your life with her, making everyday decisions with her.  

Of course if his mother ices out of talks badly about his wife he is going to have more loyalty to his wife because that's who he made a life long commitment to and vows.  Or at least any husband worth anything to his wife at least should stand by his wife.  

So I definitely think the MIL has a lot more to lose if