niceknowingyou45

My fiance just confirmed with me that my FMIL did in fact say to only spend the money on himself. You say that your adult daughter will accept it? Isn't forcing her to accept it being controlling on your end. What if she didn't want to accept it? I just don't want after the marriage my MIL to be continuing to treat my husband like a man child slipping him cash and little things here and there randomly as if he is a little boy getting allowance money. It's implying that I am not doing my job in the marriage and providing for my family, plus it's undermining to me as his wife. I want to be the one to be the one who helps contributes financially and does those little gifts. It literally says that a married couple becomes one flesh. Meaning that my fiance will be marrying me and forming a union with me as his wife and we are forming our own family unit. Our lives are intertwined. His mom can pass him all the money in the world but joke is on her because of course I will benefit in some positive way because we are married and we share a life together. So say he puts it towards a down payment of a car well again the car naturally would be a benefit to me as well. His mother can continue to assert her dominance after her son is married with a wife and exclude me or she can realize she isn't in the driver seat of my husband's life anymore, get with the program, and not exclude me. If she wants to continue to baby her son and exclude me that's fine but I can guarantee you come one day to Sunday she will not like the outcome of how her relationship ends up with her son. Excluding the most important woman in his life and the potential mother of her grandkids not the best move lady.

Ok yes I am not his wife yet but we have been together many years and have a set wedding date. We have conducted ourselves as married for a while and are fully committed to each other. Semantics need to stop.

His mother hates you yet he continues a relationship with her despite that she treats you unkindly. You don't find that problematic that he is accepting all of these gifts and everything even though there is a slight towards his wife.

See that;s where the disconnect is because I don't think it's entitled when you are married. Most people when their inlaws give money don't take it as it's not meant to be shared with the spouse. Most would take it as the inlaws giving their child money because it's their child but it's meant to go towards their family as well not the $4000 check is for the husband only and he isn't meant to share with his wife. If we were saving up for a big vacation together a romantic get away and he got a huge check from his parents I would think it would actually be incredibly stupid of me to NOT suggest that this would be great to put towards our trip together when we have been trying to save for a while. I would view it as a blessing that WE generously got gifted some cash. I would find it incredibly odd and hurtful if my husband say took that $4000 check and put it towards a trip with his buddies when he knew we have been working hard to try and save up for a trip himself and then had the audacity to tell me well my mom gave that money just to me honey so I can blow it however I please without discussing it with my wife.

Also I am assuming that your MIL is probably meaning that for you as husband and wife and just presenting it to your husband because that's her son. I wouldn't take it like you are though as her saying it's not for your wife.

You aren't bothered that your MIL is literally giving money to everyone in your immediate family but you?? Why would she leave you out like that as the only one? I mean how hard is it to make her DIL feel included and not ostracized by say giving her $20

See though you realize that wasn't cool of you so you can see where I would be hurt as well. You are doing the right thing since they are married just get them a family card. He isn't keeping it all for himself he just reported that his mom told him to spend it only on himself. Birthday gifts are different it's an occasion celebrating just one person. I would find it odd though if my MIL gave my husband a cash birthday gift and my birthday came around and didn't get acknowledged at all.

I think you are missing my point though. A good loving husband would want to share with his wife. A lot of times I would think it is implied it is for the marriage. If my parents gave me money and didn't specify I would think they chose to present it to me because I am their child but that they meant it for us as husband and wife. Using your phrase I wouldn't in a million lifetimes think otherwise and wouldn't dream of not sharing. I am not taking $25 but if my parents say gave me a few hundred or a few thousands I would think it would be selfish of me not to share one cent with my life partner.

I also can't image receiving say even $250 from my parents and not being generous with my husband and sharing it. That's just not how I was raised to view marriage. I can't imagine being like well sorry honey this money is just for me I am going to blow it on a spa day without discussing things with him first. He is literally my life partner. The dating phase this would be acceptable not in the engaged phase and certainly not in the married phase. That would be treating him like a roommate and not a husband. However to be fair I also can't imagine my parents telling me how to spend it either,

And also wanted to add in the same vein his parents shouldn't give him a gift and dictate to him how to spend it or not to spend it on his wife. It works both ways. If they don't want him to use it on his immediate family then don't give it at all because it's rude to label something a gift and make demands on how to use it.

I can get behind that this is a problem with my fiance and not my FMIL however I can't get behind especially once we are married him listening to his mother's orders (if that's indeed what his mother told him when she gave him the money) and not sharing with his wife. Money coming into the home should be discussed together especially if there are pressing matters (there aren't at the moment I am just speaking hypothetically down the line) within our family unit as husband and wife and any kids we may have. So no I don't think if my husband receives money he just gets to blow it on say a vacation with his buddies without discussing it together because that's what a marriage represents a partnership. Same goes if I were to receive money. Yes I realize that technically it is given just to him but c'mon now someone who understands what marriage means wouldn't actually tell their spouse well sorrry too bad I am not sharing with you and I am not going to use it towards the household and I am going to blow it on this. Same goes for whether it's the husband receiving the money or the wife. I do agree with you though that my FMIL is entitled to gift to whom she wants but if my fiance and after marriage my husband chooses to honor her request over my feelings and our marriage despite that her request was a rude one THAT'S where the problem lies. His mother can request he dances the tango twice a day morning and night but it's up to him if he listens to this bad request.

I did point blank ask my fiance if even after the marriage he plans on hoarding money away just for himself that his mom gives or if he will stand up for us and include me in it? I did tell him I expect him the next time his mom makes exclusionary comments to him to not accept large money items with strings attached.

His future though is where it lies the problem we are starting a future together and if my fiance is viewing it as he is still a single man then that's problematic. That all being said I think it's odd that his mother wouldn't want to make any effort to start off the relationship with her to be DIL on the right food and not exclusionary. Usually as the relationship goes to the next step the in laws to be start including the fiance/wife more not less. They get integrated into the family more.

Like other PPs have stated this is more on my fiance for not including me more and I guess I thought as we entered the next stage of our relationship that he wouldn't shut me out so much in his relationship with his mother and kind of grow closer to me and not continue to be so attached to his mother. It's sad that I had to literally spell out to him that it's weird to have your mother tracking you like a child when you are nearly 30 and about to be married at that and that she still has open access to his finances. Yes he saw it but most men who are ready to put their wife first wouldn't need this spelled out for them. We have an appt with a pre marriage counselor on Tuesday.

My parents recently wrote a check and presented it in front of BOTH of us and said it's for both of us to use towards the wedding. It wasn't done in a behind my back and told don't use it for my soon to be husband. Huge difference. But then again everyone is right that this lies more on my fiance and I would take it even a step further that my fiance should be standing up for me more and not accepting money with strings attached when he is told specifically not to spend it on me.