MIL Made Extremely Rude Comment

[niceknowingyou45]

My fiance and I have been dating 5 years and we are both 28 years old and have a place together.  We live about 20-25ish minutes from both sets of families.  We recently got engaged 2 weeks ago and I am over the moon and we are absolutely madly in love with each other.  We got engaged on a Saturday evening at this really nice restaurant that my fiance took me to since he spoils me a little.  I would say we have a great and healthy relationship.  The next morning his mom calls my fiance and says let's go to dinner to celebrate your engagement.  Naturally at this stage in our relationship with being together 5 years and everyone being highly aware an engagement was coming dinner invites and other family invites is an assumed invite for both of us is generally how it works.  I was super excited his mom seemed so happy which doesn't surprise me at all his mom seems to really like me or so I thought.  Now I am thinking the exact opposite. 

 

We arrive to dinner together and we head to the table the hostess points us to and my FMIL suddenly frowns and says to my fiance, "Oh I was only expecting you."  To which I very politely responded with a big smile, "oh Marge Tim told me that we are here to celebrate the engagement of course I am here because I am so excited to celebrate all together and to be a part of this family."  She just awkwardly smiled and the dinner was kind of silent with some small talk here and there and it ended kind of quickly because it just felt so awkward and uncomfortable.  At one point I excused myself to use the restroom because I couldn't restrain my tears and I couldn't believe that even if she just wanted to see her son she was that rude about it.  Usually most people would at least have been gracious enough at the time being to feign politeness and then discuss it privately later with their family member not embarrass and make the other party feel like crap.  This type of behavior is so out of character for his mom she is not rude and brazen like that ever that I almost hope it isn't like the very very early stages of dementia setting it .

 

I'm so sorry I am highly aware I am rambling but I am very hurt and it doesn't make sense that if my FMIL wanted to celebrate an engagement why would she rudely exclude her son's fiance who he is the literal biggest part of the engagement because she is person he is engaged to??  That makes zero sense to me.  I told my fiance on the car ride how hurt and embarrassed his mom made me feel and she needs to call her up and get to the bottom of why she was so rude and unwelcoming when she has never acted as such towards me before?  He agrees it was very rude and out of character and he did call her up and address it with her and he said she claims she was "just joking" but I feel like that's an out for her and she very clearly wasn't joking.

 

I am hurt I think I may reach out to my FMIL myself woman to woman and see if there is an issue between us I am unaware of.  I guess my advice is did I handle everything ok?  Why would my FMIL suddenly change and be rude and brazen like that?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

  The next morning his mom calls my fiance and says let's go to dinner to celebrate your engagement.   says to my fiance, "Oh I was only expecting you."   he did call her up and address it with her and he said she claims she was "just joking" 

Sorry this happened. Seems like poor communication between your fiance and his mother. However he already spoke to her, so let him handle it. 

Perhaps she wanted to simply see him alone, but she and your fiance should have been clear on that beforehand rather than creating an awkward scene. 

[niceknowingyou45]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Seems like poor communication between your fiance and his mother. However he already spoke to her, so let him handle it. 

Perhaps she wanted to simply see him alone, but she and your fiance should have been clear on that beforehand rather than creating an awkward scene. 

I could see if she was discussing personal health or financial issues or something ect wanting to see him alone but she claims it was an engagement celebration so it's odd since he is engaged to me that she wouldn't want to celebrate together.  To me it's very rude to exclude the other half of the engaged couple when literally they are the reason for the engagement.  I am thinking it had to really be another reason she wanted to see him for dinner and made up an "engagement celebration" because that would make zero sense not to welcome his fiance for that dinner.

[Batya33]

Very weird. What did your fiancé say at the time  ? When his mom was rude? Obviously the couple both attend an engagement celebration dinner. I’d think it would be rude if only one person showed up. How is your relationship with her otherwise! No it’s not a funny joke at all  

and congratulations!!

[niceknowingyou45]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Very weird. What did your fiancé say at the time  ? When his mom was rude? Obviously the couple both attend an engagement celebration dinner. I’d think it would be rude if only one person showed up. How is your relationship with her otherwise! No it’s not a funny joke at all  

and congratulations!!

My fiance just gave his mom a very sharp look and said, "MOM" my fiance is right we are now engaged and because of that we are all here to celebrate together as a family.  His mom didn't say anything back she just smiled and said it was nice to see us.

Truth be told my views of her have shifted just a little that she finds insulting jokes that make another family member feel bad ok and acceptable.  This is way out of what I thought was her character.

 

and thank you so much!! I really appreciate it!

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

My fiance just gave his mom a very sharp look and said, "MOM" my fiance is right we are now engaged and because of that we are all here to celebrate together as a family.  His mom didn't say anything back she just smiled and said it was nice to see us.

Truth be told my views of her have shifted just a little that she finds insulting jokes that make another family member feel bad ok and acceptable.  This is way out of what I thought was her character.

 

and thank you so much!! I really appreciate it!

 

Maybe then she was just joking and maybe she was bouncing off your negative vibe during the rest of the dinner. See what happens next time. 

[Lambert]

It is a weird situation.  Since she's only ever been cool and probably said it was a joke because she realized how ridiculous she was, I'd let it go.  To keep the peace. 

Maybe it was a shock to her (even though everyone saw it coming) and she felt a weird ping of fear of change, losing her baby etc.  So she thought they could celebrate and talk heart to heart. 

Of course she should have been clear about the invite. It's a given she meant both of you.  The fact that she didn't is on her.  But marriage is for life.  be the bigger person. Show grace. Unfortunately, families get weird,  things happen. Try to just be cool with everybody. 

If more things happen then you will have to take them as they come.  

Remember you are starting an exciting time of your like.  don't be a bridezilla that everybody has to bow down to because it's your time.  Be happy and fun.  Don't look for things to be down on. And remember this is the woman that raised your future husband. don't make it hard for him. 

She's facing a time of life that might be scary for her. Letting go for real. And she's not handling it well.  

 

[niceknowingyou45]

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It is a weird situation.  Since she's only ever been cool and probably said it was a joke because she realized how ridiculous she was, I'd let it go.  To keep the peace. 

Maybe it was a shock to her (even though everyone saw it coming) and she felt a weird ping of fear of change, losing her baby etc.  So she thought they could celebrate and talk heart to heart. 

Of course she should have been clear about the invite. It's a given she meant both of you.  The fact that she didn't is on her.  But marriage is for life.  be the bigger person. Show grace. Unfortunately, families get weird,  things happen. Try to just be cool with everybody. 

If more things happen then you will have to take them as they come.  

Remember you are starting an exciting time of your like.  don't be a bridezilla that everybody has to bow down to because it's your time.  Be happy and fun.  Don't look for things to be down on. And remember this is the woman that raised your future husband. don't make it hard for him. 

She's facing a time of life that might be scary for her. Letting go for real. 

 

I am completely understanding that this is a transition for her as well.  To me the transition isn't that huge considering he moved out of his mom's home 2 years ago which to me is the biggest transition we already live together and act as married so it's not like he is leaving the family home for the first time or anything like that. It's just a matter of having the legal ceremony to make it official. We already come together to attend family functions, celebrate all major holidays together, etc..

Not sure what the huge heart to heart would have to be.  She doesn't seem to have reservations towards me we have always gotten along fine and she seems pleasant and happy when we come over.  I even text with her individually once in a while.   And like I said my fiance and I have a very healthy and happy relationship.  I could see if we were on again off again or I sat on my ass or something while my fiance did all the work.  Yes he makes a little bit more than me but that's due to me being a preschool teacher and him being a truck driver.  No fault of my own and we have a great system that works for both of us.

Not sure where you got that I would be a bridezilla but we plan on having a wedding on the smaller side, with a very small bridal party, and at a local inexpensive venue.  I am not high maintenance at all and am highly aware that my big day isn't nearly as exciting for everyone else as it is for me.

I plan on taking your advice and letting it go and not addressing it with her.  However in the future if she makes more of her funny little "jokes" or jabs towards me or tries to exclude me.  I will ask my fiance to strongly make it clear it's not ok to treat the woman he is going to marry as such.  I plan on of course treating her with kindness and respect and letting it go but it has to go both ways.  I need to be treated with kindness and respect as her son's future wife as well.

 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

.  I am thinking it had to really be another reason she wanted to see him for dinner and made up an "engagement celebration" 

This seems very likely. It seems like she wanted to speak with him one-on-one but wasn't clear on that.  Definitely let your fiance figure it out with time. You claim you get along with her, so perhaps pieces of the puzzle are missing? 

[niceknowingyou45]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe then she was just joking and maybe she was bouncing off your negative vibe during the rest of the dinner. See what happens next time. 

You said it yourself that it's not a funny joke at all.  Jokes are something that aren't meant to cause hurt to another person and jokes are something that is funny which this "little joke" was not.

That's like calling someone fat and then when you are called out for your rude behavior claiming you are "just joking" ok but that type of comment isn't a joke it's hurtful and rude.

Of course I had a negative vibe because the very first comment my FMIL made when we walked into our engagement celebration was basically what are you doing here.  Who wouldn't respond negatively to that?

I actually did smile and give a very pleasant response back saying that I am excited to celebrate with her.  But no I am not going to put on a fake act through the whole dinner when someone says something rude to me.  I wasn't impolite back I just wasn't exactly a regular chatty Kathy.

However I plan on taking everyone's advice and not addressing it with her and letting it go moving forward realizing this is a difficult transition for her as well.

[niceknowingyou45]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems very likely. It seems like she wanted to speak with him one-on-one but wasn't clear on that.  Definitely let your fiance figure it out with time. You claim you get along with her, so perhaps pieces of the puzzle are missing? 

If that was the case now I am paranoid that she has doesn't want him to marry me or something if she suddenly wanted to meet with him one on one right after we got engaged.  That's what she wants to discuss with him.

[Lambert]

16 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

I am completely understanding that this is a transition for her as well.  To me the transition isn't that huge

that's what I'm saying, you're not seeing the big deal.  but she is.  Whether you're right or wrong isn't the point.  it's how she is feeling. Feelings don't have to be right or wrong to be felt. 

I didn't mean you are a bridezilla. sorry if that came out wrong.  it was meant more as a general comment.

If she continues to say weird things to you,  what's wrong with saying something like, "hey Barbara, are you mad at me for something? Do you want to talk about it? "

I would hope for you guys to have a strong relationship. It will benefit everyone for her to feel she's gaining a daughter, not losing a son. I'd try to make that bridge happen. 

You're very hurt right now.  So maybe take some time and space away from her. the less said the better

[niceknowingyou45]

6 minutes ago, Lambert said:

that's what I'm saying, you're not seeing the big deal.  but she is.  Whether you're right or wrong isn't the point.  it's how she is feeling. Feelings don't have to be right or wrong to be felt. 

I didn't mean you are a bridezilla. sorry if that came out wrong.  it was meant more as a general comment.

If she continues to say weird things to you,  what's wrong with saying something like, "hey Barbara, are you mad at me for something? Do you want to talk about it? "

I would hope for you guys to have a strong relationship. It will benefit everyone for her to feel she's gaining a daughter, not losing a son. I'd try to make that bridge happen. 

You're very hurt right now.  So maybe take some time and space away from her. the less said the better

I want her to feel like she is gaining a daughter not losing a son.  That comment didn't feel very "motherly" though.  I plan on continuing on with her as usual but if more comments come up I will definitely address them in a kind way head on like you suggest.

[niceknowingyou45]

OP here.  Come to think of it.  There have been some things that show that my FMIL is a little bit overly attached to her 28 year old son.  He does have a 27 year old brother and a 20 year old brother as well.  Just to give a little more background info into his family.  

Up until recently my FMIL has had a life 360 tracker app on my fiance because he said his mom worries about him being a truck driver and traveling over nights and instead of texting and calling him and bothering him as he is driving she can just track the app for her piece of mind.

I gently did explain to him that now that we are about to enter into the next stage of our relationship I think that some healthy adult separation needs to occur between him and his mother in terms of the tracking.  He is about to be married soon and this is something a mother would do for a teenager to make sure they are where they are going to say they will be or on a newly licensed teenager driver to make sure they are safe.  Not on an adult out of the house about to be married man.  No reason his mom needs open access at any time to his direct whereabouts.  I don't even have that on him and we live together and are engaged.  My parents don't have that on me either.  I explained to him that he is getting older and that this is enabling an unhealthy attachment that his mother has in this area. And helping to enable unhealthy anxieties this his mother has.  Also she has to call him everyday without fail.  I do mean everyday if he goes a day without talking to her she gets upset.

To me a tracker acts as an adult umbilical cord to her son or almost like an adult baby monitor.  Just to be clear he doesn't have any major health issues where this extreme measure would be necessary on the part of his mother.

She honestly has always been very lovely to me and this is my only area of concern but I did address it to my fiance before we got engaged.  He agreed that the tracker needs to go especially now that he is engaged to be married.  He did gently explain to his mom that he will in fact be turning off the tracker as he is an adult man and it is healthy to have somewhat of a separation.  She got upset and he said she started tearing up a little saying he doesn't care about her worrying about him as he travels overnights. He said it's not that he doesn't care about her feelings quite the opposite however he can't continue to enable an unhealthy attachment and anxiety.  He also explained how when we are together by proxy I am being tracked and I wouldn't appreciate that.  This all took place about 4 months ago.

 

[Kwothe28]

I do agree that its weird that she wanted to see him alone for engagements. However, I do think you are making "elephants out of mices". In a way that you automatically assumed that she just doesnt want you as a family. Even though for 5 years she was nice to you. I understand her comment rubbed you the wrong way. But sometimes comments are something that just comes out wrong. And not something that the person thinks.

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

I want her to feel like she is gaining a daughter not losing a son.  That comment didn't feel very "motherly" though.  I plan on continuing on with her as usual but if more comments come up I will definitely address them in a kind way head on like you suggest.

Unfortunately yes. Fake it. And make sure your fiancé has your back. He should if it’s a disrespectful comment. Fake it because choose your battles especially if you plan on kids and would like the huge benefit of free childcare from grandparents. 
I dealt with it when I faced icky treatment by making myself scarce.
 

My son and my FIL were amazing together. After my awesome MIL passed away he became inexplicably rude to me. So when he came over I took Me Time. That way I didn’t have to deal with the comments and he spent time with his grandson and son. Please know that the relationship can change especially if an inlaw gets older and has medical or mental health issues or dementia. Etc. 

There’s no need to show up at extra stuff - and yes your fiancé should have your back. Totally fine too to feign an illness and leave. Keep family peace and pick your battles. 

[Batya33]

I find it concerning that he allowed the tracker. As you said the legal marriage ceremony is just sort of making official you two living like a married couple for years. I’d be fine if I were you with him or you calling his mom when he’s away “I got back safely “. My mom and I speak every other day or so and she’s 88. So it’s more for me to check in on her. But. She asks me to call when we land after a trip and asks me to let her know when w arrive etc - whether I text my sister who tells our mom or otherwise.

She doesn’t impose and demand on a conversation but she’s old school and no internet and I’m happy to let her know. I think my husband checked in with his parents too when they were alive. For trips. Did your fiancé just not want to rock the boat ??

[niceknowingyou45]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I find it concerning that he allowed the tracker. As you said the legal marriage ceremony is just sort of making official you two living like a married couple for years. I’d be fine if I were you with him or you calling his mom when he’s away “I got back safely “. My mom and I speak every other day or so and she’s 88. So it’s more for me to check in on her. But. She asks me to call when we land after a trip and asks me to let her know when w arrive etc - whether I text my sister who tells our mom or otherwise.

She doesn’t impose and demand on a conversation but she’s old school and no internet and I’m happy to let her know. I think my husband checked in with his parents too when they were alive. For trips. Did your fiancé just not want to rock the boat ??

She started asking him to use a tracker when he was 21 and he started traveling like 4+ hours overnight for work and she said she didn't want to repeatedly text him as he was driving to check up on him so she figured it would be easier just to check the app.  I don't mind him texting/calling his mom when we travel long distances to let her know we arrived safely but simply tracking him for his daily truck driving route that he does every night is not acceptable and wayyyy overstepping and extreme IMO.

As soon as I calmly and gently talked to him about it he didn't push back at all and saw completely where I was coming from and addressed it with his mom that he was taking the tracker off.

His mother is 62 and is in great condition health wise.  She just expects to speak with her son every single day without fail.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with frequently speaking to your adult child but there is a difference between a welcome phone call because someone wants to and making it a guilt trip or a forced thing.  Life happens and it's not always realistic that every day without fail they will be able to talk.  Unexpected things could come up that may occupy this time and I admit I do have a little worry in the back of my mind if he does go one day without answering hi phone because he doesn't have time to chat with his mother it's going to become a whole guilt thing.  My fiance gets annoyed by this expectation set by his mother as well.  It's not him at all.

[Batya33]

I’m 57. Son is 14.5. Because of pandemic mostly he had his first ever overnights away from home starting in early 2023.  I know. Very late. First was 3 nights away followed by two multiple nights away twice with a friend’s family and then another school overnight.  Number of times I told him to text me. Zero. Number of times I texted him. Zero. With one exception. I texted him most nights with a reminder to take his daily med. because he’s 14.  Number of times I worried. Infinite.
BUT to me part of being a good mom is LETTING GO. it’s so hard. He’s my only.  It’s scary out there. But he won’t grow up and be resilient and independent if I hold the reins too tight.  With all respect his mom needs to see that. And it has to come from him. Better to work on this now pre marriage. IMHO.  Good luck 

[Lambert]

I personally have boundaries with everyone regarding the cell phone.  if I don't write back or call back right away,  deal with it.  There is no reason anyone should be able to reach anyone all the the time. 

Before cell phones children went to school all day,  no contact with home.  

And that whole, "you don't care about me" comment. ugh... so manipulative and immature. like really?   does/ did her husband have to be tracked by his mom? 

I think you're seeing what you're gonna have to deal with.  I'd set the boundaries now.  remove the tracker and of course your guy can talk to his mom as much a he wants.  I wouldn't get involved there. but it is super annoying these moms that are not willing to let go.  Remember this if you have kids!  lol

I think you're going to have to laugh a lot of this off as the ridiculousness it is and not feed into it. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

 a tracker acts as an adult umbilical cord to her son or almost like an adult baby monitor.  

. He agreed that the tracker needs to go  that he will in fact be turning off the tracker as  

This is an excellent way to describe it. It seems your fiance is quite reasonable and it's good he talked to her about it.

Perhaps you'll find out what she wants to see him about but whatever it is, he seems to have your back and is cutting the cord appropriately. 

[smackie9]

As soon as I read his mom has a tracker on him "Oh my god!" came right out of my mouth. This generation I tell ya...the coddling at 28 years.....He should have addressed this when he hit at least 25. This is him creating a monster for not cutting this off sooner....so this is a him problem. It's not going to happen over night but your fiance needs to be on this all the time to wean her off. His communication with her has to be honest and frequent. Obviously this is a new thing for the both of you, and I'm glad he's stepping up to the plate for you.

[Seraphim]

He handled it I would leave it alone. Everyone should handle their own people. 

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here because I've been in your shoes and unfortunately,  I still am.  😒 ☹️

Congratulations on your engagement! 💍 🤗

I hate to tell you this but be prepared for a wild ride as the new DIL and eventually you'll become a seasoned  veteran as a DIL just like me.  😉

Long ago,  I too deferred to my husband (then fiance) regarding MIL's uncalled for obnoxiously rude comment during a social setting and other times during smaller social settings or 1:1 with me.  😖

Save your breath,  energy and time.  You can't change MIL (or anyone).  You can't fix her.  She is who she is because she gets away with it and it works for her.   This is what spoiled,  entitled people do.  They say whatever they want because they can.  There are never any punishments nor harsh consequences so they continue doing what they know best which is be their rude selves.  Should MIL be confronted to explain herself,  you'll hear nothing but gaslighting.  (Deflecting,  changing the subject so you're perceived as crazy,  there's something wrong with YOU,  not they,  twisting your words,  distorting the issue and the same old trickery ad nauseum.) 

You'll hear lines such as these:  I was joking!  You're dramatic!  You're too sensitive.  I wasn't serious.  What is wrong with YOU?  You took it the wrong way.  And, I saved the best for last:  My MIL said to me two days ago:  "Everyone has foibles including YOU."  Sure, I can defer to my husband and he'll explain it's not foibles regarding a past offense by someone else and that it's been ongoing for decades.   You can defer to your fiance but it won't change MIL.  She'll keep on doing it because she can and she will. 

You will hear more as this is not the end of it.  The only thing you can do is no longer be naive.  Live and learn.  Know whom you're marrying into.  Some people such as your MIL are complex people (narcissists / malignant narcissists) and since she won't change,  you're the one who has to change,  learn to adapt and most of all,  establish your own boundaries.  You can't interact with people who lack emotional intelligence because they're dumb as a box of rocks. 

Boundaries are altering your behavior,  altering your dynamics,  making yourself less available to MIL as her verbal punching bag,  not accepting every opportunity to be together with her and pumping the brakes on being together as much as possible.  It's what I do and it's the ONLY thing that works as I've exhausted all avenues.  In the future,  no more benefits of the doubt.  No more phone chats and any interaction should be brief,  polite,  superficial (talk about the weather),  be boring as ______ and keep it short! 

Take it from me.  It's a losing long game.  All you can do is control what you can.  Never grant permission for MIL to abuse you.  Don't make yourself vulnerable for attack.  Learn how to protect yourself,  keep safe and avoid harm.   Perpetrators only abuse you if you allow it.  Boundaries reign supreme. 

With practice,  you'll learn how to hone this new boundary skill of yours. 

This is not the end of your MIL's comments.  There are more to come.  This is only the tip of the iceberg.  😧😖  You have to put up and shut up or don't be in your MIL's presence as much as possible.  The less you engage,  the better off you'll be.  

[shouldhavelearned]

Be glad he stuck up for you.

She might or might not be more accepting down the road, but probably not.

Seriously something to discuss with him as it can wreck a marriage down the road.