Really need advice please 😔

[Nessa474]

My boyfriend of over 3 years told me he's a bad person. He's said it in the past but I was telling him about some things that upset me recently in our relationship and he said he needed to be honest with me. He told me that he's a bad person and that I'm a better person than him. He told me that I'm a good woman with a great heart and that he's confused and doesn't even know why I like him or why I'm with him. He tells me he thinks about bad things all the time and that he's not a good person but when I ask he says he has no intentions of hurting me and doesn't think he will. Some of these bad things are sex addiction, porn addiction, murderous thoughts, fantasies of power/money, but he said he lives them out in video games instead of in real life. I know the obvious answer here but I love him and it's not easy to just walk away. Is this really bad or just something we can work through? He said he's willing to go to therapy but I'm definitely hurt and confused right now.

[Starlight925]

When people tell you who they are….

Believe them. 
 

You know what to do. 

[Cherylyn]

No, you cannot work through it.  At least he was honest to tell you how he is and it's a way of forewarning you of possible risks to your relationship with him.  Perhaps this revelation is your signal to exit the relationship so you can be in a normal,  safe,  content,  harmonious relationship compatible to your values.

My wise mother taught me this:  "You can never change a man."  She learned this harsh lesson the painful way. 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Nessa474 said:

. Some of these bad things are sex addiction, porn addiction, murderous thoughts, fantasies of power/money, but he said he lives them out in video games instead of in real life.

Sorry this is happening. How old is he?  Do you live together? Does he work or go to school?

Does he use drugs or have mental health issues? Does he see a physician or therapist for the intrusive thoughts and compulsive behavior? 

How is your relationship otherwise? What, exactly, does he mean by sex addiction? Prostitutes? Randoms? Please discontinue having sex and get tested for STDs. 

It's unclear why you are with someone who admits to all this unless you are extremely lonely and believe you can fix and change him. Frankly he has too many psychiatric problems and dangerous behaviors. 

 

[Batya33]

Date people not projects. Love the memories that you shared and know you  are doing the healthy and right thing by keeping your distance. With a partner in real life you will face many choices together that require compatible values in terms of integrity and ethics and doing the right thing even when it’s hard. My husband and I faced an ethical decision just last week. And it felt amazing knowing that when I told him how I felt and what I believed we should do he totally got it and agreed. I wondered - how awful would it be if he insisted we make a choice that was either sketchy / gray area as far as ethics or unethical. I know he never would. It’s one of the reasons I married him. 
I think good people can have bad thoughts. Good people can make mistakes. Good people can make bad choices at weak moments. Good people then apologize and try to make things right and try to learn and not repeat. Good people might have a moment of ugh I suck but it’s a moment.
Because at the core they believe they are good and can recall recent examples of it. Your boyfriend - has major issues.
Either he believes he is a bad person or is a person who routinely hurts others and focuses on hurting others. both are bad. But I love him is not enough to risk your personal safety and emotions. 

[Capricorn3]

5 hours ago, Nessa474 said:

 He told me that he's a bad person . He tells me he thinks about bad things all the time and that he's not a good person but when I ask he says he has no intentions of hurting me and doesn't think he will. Some of these bad things are sex addiction, porn addiction, murderous thoughts, fantasies of power/money,

If any guy told me that, I would believe it and be out the door so fast you wouldn't see me for dust. Seriously OP, think about it. Why would any person say such things if they know it's not true? What would the purpose be?  It seems he's very self-aware and you really should take heed.

"But I love him!" is not going to change him. It's not going to make you happy.  Indeed the opposite - you could be living a life in fear never knowing when he "might hurt you".  Is your self-esteem so low that it makes you stay with a guy who has so many issues?

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Nessa474 said:

just something we can work through?

Absolutely not. 

Get away from this man. He is not a safe person. 

[MrMan1983]

He's literally admitting to being a psycho who 'doesn't think he will hurt you', what advice is needed. There's two outcomes, 1. You stay with him and eventually bad *** happens, which he's already warned you about (believe him, he wouldn't say it otherwise). 2. You break up, feel sad for a little bit then move on with your life, do things to improve your self esteem and pick a partner that is not the 'bad guy fantasy' fixer upper.

[Kwothe28]

He needs heavy therapy. And somebody with severe mental health issues isnt really a suitable partner. For now his pimal insticts are only on thoughts and fantasies. But if he ever decides to act on them it wont be good for you in any way. So yes, you should get out of there for your own health sake. Not to mention that mental health issues can be transferable to kids. So if you ever decide to have one with him, kids can also be at danger. From him and if it transfers through genetics.

[jul-els]

He has told you very plainly who he is. You have been warned. For your own safety, you should get out of this relationship immediately and don’t look back. 

[smackie9]

OK so you don't want to leave...so you better get frickin serious about this. Get him into psychiatric help like now..no lets talk about it more, or whatever....have him pick up the phone and start making some calls. 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

Although I could be wrong, I have a different take on this.  He wants out, yet doesn't want to cut the cord, in order to look like the innocent party. 

It appears that he already has one foot out the door, therefore help him make his final exit.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Although I could be wrong, I have a different take on this.  He wants out, yet doesn't want to cut the cord, in order to look like the innocent party. 

It appears that he already has one foot out the door, therefore help him make his final exit.

Agree with this. "I'm a sex addict and homicidal manic" sounds like an invitation leave. 

[MrMan1983]

14 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Although I could be wrong, I have a different take on this.  He wants out, yet doesn't want to cut the cord, in order to look like the innocent party. 

It appears that he already has one foot out the door, therefore help him make his final exit.

Blimey, pretending to be a psychopath/potentially murderous to get out a relationship is a new approach 😂 

[catfeeder]

What were the things you’re upset about?

Speaking only for myself, if someone’s answer to my concerns is to tell me that he’s just a bad person, the message I’d take is that he has no intention of resolving the problem, but he intends to cause even worse problems going forward.

Not exactly a hopeful outlook for the future, and possibly even a threat of harm.