Why does it seem that men have an advantage in selecting women

[foreverblue]

Maybe I'm thinking about this wrong, if so, can someone help me understand this better. In the age of apps and being ghosted several times by men, It seems like men have a true advantage in that they can have "fun" without the consequence of a heartbreak, emotional investment; while picking and choosing through women that they can "test" out, all why women have to remain calm, detached, and reserved until a man is invested in her so that she can slowly open up to him  in hopes of preserving a relationship that will lead to a commitment. 

[Jaunty]

Nobody "has" to do any of those things.  It's a personal choice.  Society has double standards, unfortunately, so if you're a woman who wants to "test" a bunch of men you may draw criticism.  Same with a man who, perhaps, chose to remain  a virgin until he was 45.    So be it.  People who are willing to be true to themselves and not be followers are actually the ones with the real advantage.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, foreverblue said:

In the age of apps and being ghosted several times by men, It seems like men have a true advantage in that they can have "fun" without the consequence of a heartbreak, emotional investment; while picking and choosing through women that they can "test" out, all why women have to remain calm, detached, and reserved until a man is invested in her so that she can slowly open up to him  in hopes of preserving a relationship that will lead to a commitment. 

"Selected men" aka "Players". Dating apps favor women in general. Because even an average one gets a ton of matches. There are a lot more men on apps then women. 3 to 1 I think. But you are not getting just that 3 men competing for you, you get the whole pool of them in your dating radius. So, as a result you get 100s of matches. In a situation like that women get overwhelmed. So, what gets to the top for them are usually most handsome and/or most charming ones. Aka "The Players". The ones that can choose too because there is 20 of them like you competing for them.

You are not talking about the average man. Because the average one barely gets any matches at all, let alone dates and beyond. You can read some of the other threads here about the man experience on dating apps. And you would see how its vastly different from yours as a woman. Because while you do get matches and want to compete for top ones, they dont even get any. 

And that is the crux of the issue. What you are talking about are "The Players". The ones that would take you for a date, have sex with you and ghost you. Because there is another one just like you waiting for them tomorrow. So, be more selective with your dates. Avoid "players" and men who dont want to commit and dont fall for them and expect commitment. Because you wont get it there no matter how much you are invested and try to be "reserved" so they would somehow fall for you. It wont happen.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, foreverblue said:

It seems like men have a true advantage in that they can have "fun" without the consequence of a heartbreak, emotional investment

I think you need to read the threads on these very forums written by men who use dating apps.  You will find that the above is not really true. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, foreverblue said:

Maybe I'm thinking about this wrong, if so, can someone help me understand this better. In the age of apps and being ghosted several times by men, It seems like men have a true advantage in that they can have "fun" without the consequence of a heartbreak, emotional investment; while picking and choosing through women that they can "test" out, all why women have to remain calm, detached, and reserved until a man is invested in her so that she can slowly open up to him  in hopes of preserving a relationship that will lead to a commitment. 

Maybe the individual men you know and know of.  For me people who act as you describe are in the minority and women act like that too -it's not gender based.  When it comes to conceiving a baby -getting pregnant -the woman (with I guess rare exception?) has to carry the baby if she keeps it so for those 9-10 months or so she has more work -more stress on her body, more emotional stress for many (was like that for me, for sure).  For women in their 30s/early 40s who are single and want to have a child in a marriage to a man, don't want to adopt, etc then in some cases the man has more "power" as far as the biological clock I suppose.  But not all women want kids or biological kids and/or  they can delay by egg freezing.  So again it's not all.

You're generalizing and in a way that paints men in a negative light.  I am married to a wonderful man and have a 14 year old teenage son and they don't act that way at all.  My husband and many many men I know and know of are heavily emotionally invested in their romantic relationships and marriages, etc.  I know of many women who enjoy casual sex, casual dating, etc.  

Treat people as individuals, ok - it will decrease your stress/stomach acid/jaded/bitter attitudes reflected in your post.  I'm sorry if you're feeling frustrated right now -I dated for decades mostly to find a husband (especially for 20 years of it) and it's really hard and really easy to be cynical or tell yourself negative stuff about "men".  Don't go there, IMHO.

[jul-els]

If that’s the way you perceive it, that’s the way it will be. The dating apps are a virtual space, not reality. It doesn’t become based in reality until you meet someone in person. So until that point, you can shape the perception of that experience in your mind into anything you want it to be. And that’s what it will be.

If you want to use the dating apps, I suggest focusing on the idea of meeting people in person, and not what their intentions or motivations might be on screen. 

[smackie9]

Dating apps are not a magic bullet. If you can't get dates irl, a dating app isn't going to be much help either. Get a makeover, buy a new wardrobe, get interested in things that will get you out into the public, build a good social network, friends base. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, foreverblue said:

 women have to remain calm, detached, and reserved until a man is invested in her so that she can slowly open up to him  in hopes of preserving a relationship that will lead to a commitment. 

This makes sense. Step back and observe while dating. Try not to overinvest or get overinvolved in the beginning. Use dates to get to know someone and see if they're a good fit. If they seem insincere or like players or cards, just cut your losses and move forward. 

[MrMan1983]

10 hours ago, foreverblue said:

Maybe I'm thinking about this wrong, if so, can someone help me understand this better. In the age of apps and being ghosted several times by men, It seems like men have a true advantage in that they can have "fun" without the consequence of a heartbreak, emotional investment; while picking and choosing through women that they can "test" out, all why women have to remain calm, detached, and reserved until a man is invested in her so that she can slowly open up to him  in hopes of preserving a relationship that will lead to a commitment. 

In my experience, most guys I speak to experience, as well as the countless threads on here it's often quite the opposite. Even as a relatively good looking guy (not trying to sound big headed there) it's a monumental task trying to meet a long term partner from the dating apps, getting past even date one or two is rare. Most women (even the traditionally 'less good looking ones') have literally 100's of matches and can be like kids in a candy store whereas your 'average' guy will rarely even get matches. If anything I hear of more men being messed about and ghosted than women on them as they are the ones that generally have more dating options. That's not me slating the women on dating apps either I've met some lovely people even if it hasn't lead to anything longer term.

[lostandhurt]

What is the context of your view?  What happened in your recent past that has you feeling this way?

I have been extremely fortunate to have women contact me first either on an app or in person and show interest only to later be distracted by lots of other choices they have.  I am not complaining as it is their prerogative to choose who they want in their life but I mention it to show it happens to men too.

 Having a good picker is important for sure which means you have to learn as you go and unfortunately learn from mistakes.  If you are attracted to the player type or are taken in with a players lies then you will keep getting played.  Not everyone is just trying to have sex with as many people as they can and not everyone is looking for a serious relationship so you have to be smart and keep your eyes and ears open.

 Dating is tough and can be very hard for some to navigate.

 Lost

[waffle]

On 11/1/2023 at 1:33 AM, foreverblue said:

. . . until a man is invested in her so that she can slowly open up to him  in hopes of preserving a relationship that will lead to a commitment. 

Sure, but how many of these are men you would actually want to be in a relationship with?

[tattoobunnie]

On 11/1/2023 at 1:33 AM, foreverblue said:

Maybe I'm thinking about this wrong, if so, can someone help me understand this better. In the age of apps and being ghosted several times by men, It seems like men have a true advantage in that they can have "fun" without the consequence of a heartbreak, emotional investment; while picking and choosing through women that they can "test" out, all why women have to remain calm, detached, and reserved until a man is invested in her so that she can slowly open up to him  in hopes of preserving a relationship that will lead to a commitment. 

If this were true, explain why we have so many incels 🤷‍♀️

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2023/10/new-paper-explores-the-rise-of-incels/

[catfeeder]

 

On 11/1/2023 at 3:39 AM, Kwothe28 said:

"Selected men" aka "Players". Dating apps favor women in general. Because even an average one gets a ton of matches. There are a lot more men on apps then women. 3 to 1 I think. But you are not getting just that 3 men competing for you, you get the whole pool of them in your dating radius. So, as a result you get 100s of matches. In a situation like that women get overwhelmed. So, what gets to the top for them are usually most handsome and/or most charming ones. Aka "The Players". The ones that can choose too because there is 20 of them like you competing for them.

You are not talking about the average man. Because the average one barely gets any matches at all, let alone dates and beyond. You can read some of the other threads here about the man experience on dating apps. And you would see how its vastly different from yours as a woman. Because while you do get matches and want to compete for top ones, they dont even get any. 

And that is the crux of the issue. What you are talking about are "The Players". The ones that would take you for a date, have sex with you and ghost you. Because there is another one just like you waiting for them tomorrow. So, be more selective with your dates. Avoid "players" and men who dont want to commit and dont fall for them and expect commitment. Because you wont get it there no matter how much you are invested and try to be "reserved" so they would somehow fall for you. It wont happen.

Yep. We have historic numbers of women flooding colleges and outnumbering men as graduates. Unless these women are willing to date 'down' in terms of education, earnings and appearance, they're all competing for the same few men. So those guys can pretend they're looking for a relationship, even while they're just enjoying themselves, and they don't even have any bio-clock pressures.