This isn't going to get better, is it?

[busybee12]

I'm 23 and have been with my boyfriend (also 23) for four years. In the first six months, he was very romantic, bringing me flowers often, surprising me, and even bought me a bottle of wine as an apology when he had to postpone a plan we had. 

Over the four years we've been together, he has understandably become less romantic as we've got more comfortable together. What I've noticed is that he never brings me flowers unless its an occasion or I complain that I haven't received flowers in a long time (aka - whenever he does bring me flowers, it's engineered by me so it feels ingenuine). Also, I'm a bit sappy and always like to remember our 'monthly anniversaries'. I know this is a bit silly and obviously I never expect anything for each one, but on the 20th of each month, I just love to acknowledge it (eg: 'happy 3 years and seven months!' in a text). It's a sappy romantic thing that doesn't require much effort.

On several occasions I've sat him down to reiterate the importance of these things to me. It's the little efforts that go a long way for me. Last time, a couple of months ago, I even threatened breaking up with him as he just didn't seem to get it. It's the principle and thought behind the actions rather than the actions themselves. In response, he actively remembered the next anniversary, and brought me flowers each time he saw me on three consecutive occasions. Alas, since then, I've had no flowers, and he seems to had forgotten the monthly anniversary again.

A similar thing happened a couple of years ago. I sat him down to explain that it made me sad that he'd never introduced me to his friends or organised for us to hang out all together. He overcompensated, inviting me to hang out with their group five or six times in the space of a month. Since then, I've not been invited out with them at all in the last two years. 

How many times do I have to remind him about these little things before I admit to myself that this is an uphill struggle not worth having? It's not like I've not spoken to him - we've had countless tearful conversations about this. The main issue I face is that in December we are travelling across South East Asia together with a view to move in together when we return. The non-refundable flights are booked and I don't really want to travel alone / with friends. I want to travel with him. 

Help a girl out 😞

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, busybee12 said:

I even threatened breaking up with him as he just didn't seem to get it.  

Why are you doing this to him? Please reconsider moving in together. Between threatening to break up because of flowers and insinuating he's a momma's boy,  you don't really seem compatible. 

[Andrina]

You're being unreasonable with this acknowledgement about the monthly anniversary expectations. Things are special because of their rarity. Once a year birthdays and once a year major holidays as an example. If these things were celebrated monthly it's too much, over the top, and gets boring.

Who are these friends he gets together with? Male and female or just guys? What do they do when they get together and how often do they get together? Do his friends have girlfriends or wives? If so, why don't you double date?

You don't mention any of his good traits. What makes him a prime candidate for your forever person in your eyes?

[Starlight925]

To answer the question in your topic, no, this will not get better.  Unless you want it to.

As others have said, you are being unreasonable with the expectations of monthly declarations of love and flowers.

Flowers?  It's like $100 bucks a pop, $1200 bucks a year.  I just did a quick calculation (yes, I'm a financial nerd).  If you save the $1200 bucks each year, at just 5% interest compounded, you'd have $40,000 in 20 years.  Just by skipping monthly flowers.

OK back to our question:  All of this is irrelevant.

Why? 

Because he'll leave you long before the 20 years is up.

Let me paint a picture for you:

Happy men make great partners.  Men want to make their women happy.  Women who b*tch and complain about "atrocities" such as missing stupid monthly anniversary texts (yes, I'm a woman, and yes it's stupid) and get berated for not giving flowers.....leave.

They leave and find partners who are happy they took out the trash.  Appreciate that they put the dishes away.  Thank them for taking them on a nice evening stroll and picnic dinner.

I'm triple your age (yes, 60's) and let me paint a bleak picture for you, courtesy of my friend C., with whom I just had dinner.  I met C. in our 20's.  She was beautiful, blond, slim, tennis player, professionally employed.  C. met R.  Fell in love, married, 2 kids.  Guess where C. is now?  Living alone, and I'm sorry to say, but fat, wrinkled, miserable.  R. is now with a woman who appreciates him because C. b*tched at him for years.  Over stupid things like flowers.

Don't be like my friend C.

[busybee12]

46 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

To answer the question in your topic, no, this will not get better.  Unless you want it to.

As others have said, you are being unreasonable with the expectations of monthly declarations of love and flowers.

Flowers?  It's like $100 bucks a pop, $1200 bucks a year.  I just did a quick calculation (yes, I'm a financial nerd).  If you save the $1200 bucks each year, at just 5% interest compounded, you'd have $40,000 in 20 years.  Just by skipping monthly flowers.

OK back to our question:  All of this is irrelevant.

Why? 

Because he'll leave you long before the 20 years is up.

Let me paint a picture for you:

Happy men make great partners.  Men want to make their women happy.  Women who b*tch and complain about "atrocities" such as missing stupid monthly anniversary texts (yes, I'm a woman, and yes it's stupid) and get berated for not giving flowers.....leave.

They leave and find partners who are happy they took out the trash.  Appreciate that they put the dishes away.  Thank them for taking them on a nice evening stroll and picnic dinner.

I'm triple your age (yes, 60's) and let me paint a bleak picture for you, courtesy of my friend C., with whom I just had dinner.  I met C. in our 20's.  She was beautiful, blond, slim, tennis player, professionally employed.  C. met R.  Fell in love, married, 2 kids.  Guess where C. is now?  Living alone, and I'm sorry to say, but fat, wrinkled, miserable.  R. is now with a woman who appreciates him because C. b*tched at him for years.  Over stupid things like flowers.

Don't be like my friend C.

Where are you getting $100 for flowers from? A bunch of flowers is no more than £6 in the UK. 

[Starlight925]

So cheap £6 flowers will make all this anxiety go away?

Is it really worth it to you, to push him away, for £6 a month?

And you missed the point of my post:

Stop berating him.  He will leave.  

No, it will not get better until you do this.

[rainbowsandroses]

53 minutes ago, busybee12 said:

Where are you getting $100 for flowers from? A bunch of flowers is no more than £6 in the UK. 

It doesn't matter what they cost, you shouldn't have to "sit him down" like he's your child and explain (essentially beg) him to buy you flowers or acknowledge one month anniversaries or treat you any other particular way.  It defeats the entire purpose.  

IOW, do you really want him doing such things because you had to ask and make threats to leave if he doesn't? 

Please lower your expectations, I agree with others, they're unreasonable.  This is not a Disney movie and he's not your "prince" so best to stop treating it as such.  Otherwise he will eventually become resentful, controlled and leave.

If you're not happy with how he chooses to treat you, break up with him.   He is who he is and gives what he has in him to give - to you.

Perhaps if you accepted him for who is and appreciated the things he does do for you and your relationship, he'd be more inclined to do the "little tnings," without you having to ask or threaten to break up.

He'd be giving on his own from him heart which is what you should want anyway. 

[boltnrun]

If he never acknowledged this (silly) "monthly 'anniversary'" thing again would you honestly end the relationship over it? (BTW, the Oxford dictionary definition of anniversary is a YEARLY celebration or acknowledgement, not monthly).

Does he go out with his friends frequently without you? 

[busybee12]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If he never acknowledged this (silly) "monthly 'anniversary'" thing again would you honestly end the relationship over it? (BTW, the Oxford dictionary definition of anniversary is a YEARLY celebration or acknowledgement, not monthly).

Does he go out with his friends frequently without you? 

The point is that its so low effort to show appreciation / romance. I'm not asking for a card or gift, just a text. He could even set a reminder in his phone if he cared. The point is, I constantly mention that it means a lot (he used to be good at remembering), and he still forgets, meaning he's not putting the effort into something very easy that could easily make me happy. I know at face value it seems silly, but its the fact that its such an easy remedy that he still can't manage. 

He'll meet his friends every other week, I'd say. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, busybee12 said:

The point is th so low effort to show appreciation / romance. I'm not asking for a card or gift, just a text. He could even set a reminder hom his phone if he cared. The point is, I constantly mention that it means a lot (he used to be good at remembering), and he still forgets, meaning he's not putting the effort into something very easy that could easily make me happy. I know at face value it seems silly, but its the fact that its such an easy remedy that he still can't manage. 

He'll meet his friends every other week, I'd say. 

Again I ask, do you really want him doing these things because you had to ask him to?   Threaten to break up?

What good is that, it makes him no better than a trained puppy.

You can't force a man to give what he chooses NOT to give.  If he does, it won't be sincere coming from his own heart, so what's the point of asking or threatening?

I never understood that. 

Best to find another man whose idea of romance is the same as yours.  

 

[Batya33]

Really? Him sending you an obligatory text marking how many years and months you've been dating would make you feel cared for? How about instead of demanding flowers put that money towards a charity -or even donate to a community garden effort?

[boltnrun]

If you're "constantly" reminding him to text you every month on the 20th and he doesn't do it, then decide if it's so very vital that you would want to end the relationship over a few words on a tiny screen. 

Yes, I get that to you it is of utmost importance, but if everything else is good why do you want to make such a fuss?

Unless you actually want to break up with him and are just using this text thing as an excuse. Or perhaps you enjoy berating him and telling him he's not good enough?

[Kwothe28]

I did a montly thing with my first girlfriend. Flowers you usually buy in odd numbers(1,3,5,7 etc) so on odd months its flowers and on even months it was chocolate or something. We were teens and it was sweet but the thing is, you do that at start when passion is high, not after more years together. Because its not special occassion. 1 year and every year after sure, its an anniversary and lots of couples do that. But you really expect him to buy you flowers for "3 years 7 months"? That is over the top and dont think you would get that not just from him but from any other man out there.

On the other hand, friends situation is kinda alarming. Are they just male friends? Or is it a mixed group? I can maybe see it if its just a group of men to want to drink or watch football game and that they dont bring girlfriends. But if its a mixed group thing, think you straight up not getting included is alarming from the reason that, after years with somebody, you should be included into gatherings.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, busybee12 said:

The point is that it’s so low effort to show appreciation / romance. I'm not asking for a card or gift, just a text. 

Wow.  You are COMPLETELY incompatible.  Please set him free and spend your time hunting for a man who shares the value you place on acknowledging monthly “anniversaries” for years on end.  
 

This will take you a long time - I’m old and I’ve never even heard that this could possibly be a thing.  All the energy you’re putting into nagging at him would be put to better use on a hunt for this rare unicorn of a human 

Clearly this man is not it.  

[catfeeder]

We each get to decide what hills we choose to die on. You are as capable of selecting yours as any other adult along with how open you are to being talked off that hill.

However, you are the only one who will suffer the consequences of your choice.

So you have a non-refundable trip scheduled with your BF. Your job is to decide whether you will enjoy that trip or suffer through it.

So is now the time to create barriers to your own enjoyment over some arbitrary power struggle that has zero to do with your trip?

THINK.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, busybee12 said:

at face value it seems silly, but its the fact that its such an easy remedy that he still can't manage. 

What's silly is that you have turned this into a measuring stick of his love for you. 

 

[Jaunty]

I've read your other thread.  

It makes me sad, but it's even more clear that you are incompatible.   This guy and the way he is just naturally, including his relationship with his parents, is not "good enough" for you.  You're mad because he isn't jumping through one of the most arbitrary hoops I've ever heard of (the "monthly anniversary" texts).  I imagine that his feeling of being "not enough" for you must be horrible.  

Hopefully he can buy you out of your share of the travel expenses already paid for the trip and share the adventure with people who will not be focussed on very petty fault finding.  Heck, maybe even his parents.  

 

[Cherylyn]

Don't be fixated on flowers. 

(Btw,  I'm the opposite of you.  My husband brought me flowers almost weekly long ago and I finally requested no more flowers because flowers die.  If he really wants to do something for me,  some random, infrequent,  permanent gifts would be nice.  I have a penchant for handbags or clothing,  for example.)

Appreciate who he is.  If he's loyal,  steadfast,  true,  humble,  very moral and a decent human being,  you've struck gold.  He's a keeper if he ticks all the boxes.  Don't fret about the frou-frou stuff because it doesn't matter.  Save that for Hallmark commercials.  🙄

As for hanging out with his friends,  why pester him about it?  Sure,  you can get together at random once in a while but it's not that important.  If you have to ping him every now and then to give him a heads up regarding your wanting to feel included in an enjoyable group social life,  then do it but don't make it mandatory every time he wants to be with his friends.  Develop a happy medium somewhere. 

Don't be a pain otherwise he'll eventually end the relationship with you.  Don't push him away by being overly fussy. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, busybee12 said:

This isn't going to get better, is it?

Not the way you're going about it with breakup ultimatums, no. Threatening to break up is manipulative and erosive. So because of this it's not going to get better. See how your vacation goes. However don't move in together.  Please rethink bullying people into what you want. 

[TacticalLinguine]

If you’re usually this overbearing and borderline controlling then all your relationships will come crashing down, including this one. You need to change that, for your sake and for your partner’s. 
 

In your other thread you state you’re going travelling for 6 months and have a problem with your partners’ parents flying out to see him for like a week or two during this time. That’s incredibly selfish. I also have to repeat how silly the monthly anniversary thing is. A text doesn’t show how invested he is, the fact that he’s been putting up with this childish behaviour for 4 years kinda does though.. Come on, girl. 

[jul-els]

It’s only going to get better if you decide you’re going to get better. Being less demanding and more understanding on your part would go a long way. 

[Batya33]

Get to a place where you both show you care primarily through giving actions with the cutesie gifts/texts being occasional extra icing on the cake.  If he wants to get up early for a run or an activity and you are still sleeping is he thoughtful about being quiet so he doesn't wake you? If you bring your favorite cake slice home to share and there is only a little left will he finish it -or without asking you? Does he go as your plus one to events or gatherings he'd prefer not to?  That's the stuff to focus on if anything needs to be focused on in the category of "am I cared for".  Does he stop looking at his phone if you have something important to share? How does he act when you are sick/not feeling well?

And  then turn it on you -how do you show caring?

[Truth05]

On 10/27/2023 at 4:53 PM, busybee12 said:

The point is that its so low effort to show appreciation / romance. I'm not asking for a card or gift, just a text. He could even set a reminder in his phone if he cared. The point is, I constantly mention that it means a lot (he used to be good at remembering), and he still forgets, meaning he's not putting the effort into something very easy that could easily make me happy. I know at face value it seems silly, but its the fact that its such an easy remedy that he still can't manage. 

He'll meet his friends every other week, I'd say. 

From my own experience, better to let him go. You have a different love language and like to make surprises etc, he seems the opposite type. As it was in my case. You become resentful, he also. Do not make effort for him, you cannot of need to 'impose' yourself to care less and focus on your wellbeing. Really, buy yourself flowers etc. I understand it's not about flowers necessarily, it's more about the gesture of romance and feeling valued. He pampered you in the beginning with what you wanted and you thought he has the same love language. Unfortunately, he was not acting correctly in the beginning as he has done all those just to win you over. Lowering expectations from others would help, focus on giving yourself the things you need and do not invest in others at your own expenses, if it's not at some level reciprocated. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Truth05 said:

You have a different love language and like to make surprises etc, he seems the opposite type.

How is what she expects related to giving love? It's not loving to send a monthly text out of obligation; it's not loving to make that demand? That's not any sort of broad language it's simply asking someone to do something for you that you enjoy as a favor to you.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Truth05 said:

You have a different love language and like to make surprises etc, he seems the opposite type. 

Really, buy yourself flowers etc. I understand it's not about flowers necessarily, it's more about the gesture of romance and feeling valued.

Totally agree @Truth05. There is a lot of truth to what you posted, and specifically what's quoted above. 

Re the reference to love languages, I agree with that as well.  I've done research and read a lot about so if I may..... 😀

There are five LL: (1) acts of service (2) gift giving (3) physical touch (4) quality time and (5) words of affirmation.

One can believe LL's have value in relationships or not, it's up to each person and couple to decide that. 

I am a believer.  So are many many other people and there are couples who once they understood each other's LLs, their relationship improved significantly!

Speaking for myself, my primary LL is 'quality time'.  My secondary is "acts of service" and my third is "physical touch."  Actually two and three are tied for second. 

That means *I* feel loved and valued when my SO spends "quality" time with me.  The amount of time is not important to me, only the quality of that time, to clarify.  

I do not care all that much about receiving gifts, I do not feel loved or valued when receiving gifts (like flowers for example).  Nor do I place much value on words of affirmation (compliments for example).  

But we are all different and OP's LL may very well be receiving gifts, like flowers, she places a lot of value on that, it makes her feel loved and valued and there is nothing wrong with that.

@busybee12 your boyfriend may and probably does have a different LL so can't understand why buying you flowers (i.e. gift giving) is so important to you, so he doesn't. 

Re your need for a monthly anniversary text and/or him simply acknowledging your monthly anniversary, imo this would fall under the LL "words of affirmation." 

These are what you need to feel valued and loved, they are your LLs.  I totally get that.   Again, we all need different things as silly as they may sound to others who don't share the same "language."

My criticism earlier was how you went about asking him for these things, demands really and threats to break up.  THAT is wrong, and sounded very manipulative.

My suggestion now is have an open and honest discussion about LLs.  Let him know what yours are, without criticizing him, berating him or threatening to break up with him.  Or even demanding he give you such things.  Once you let him know, leave the rest to HIM.  

Either he has the desire to give you what you need or not, demands and threats are not the way to go here. 

In turn, ask him what HIS are!!  So you are aware of what HE needs and can give those things to him if you choose to. 

This is assuming you want your relationship to actually work out; I still haven't determined if you do or if this was your way to justify ending it. 

JMO, good luck.