This isn't going to get better, is it?

[Jaunty]

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Not to you or me but to some people like the OP, they very well could be, if receiving such things makes her feel valued and loved.  

Who are any of us to judge that?   To judge what "another person" needs to feel valued and loved?   

 

You are  conflating unrealistic demands, lowkey coercion  and bullying with "love languages."  They are not the same thing.  

The book about "love languages" is very short and simplistic. It's quite clear that threatening, nagging, browbeating etc. to get somebody to do what you want them to do was not the author's intended message.  I bet they'd be concerned that someone has taken it that way.  

 

[Jaunty]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No one needs monthly "happy day we met" texts. If that were the case how did relationships survive before cell phones were invented?

I don't know why nobody's sticking up for my NEED that my partner buy me a Tesla.  I have a particular model and color requirement, and it has to be here by November 21st.   

Please don't dare to judge me.  My LOVE LANGUAGE is "gift getting" and my partner has been sat down and schooled about my Tesla.  I'm getting pretty darn tired of having to go over and over it.  

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No one needs monthly "happy day we met" texts. If that were the case how did relationships survive before cell phones were invented...

I dunno, a call on their land line?   My take is it's not about the text per se, she needed/wanted him to acknowledge the day.  Text, phone call, a card, something.

And yes to most everyone including ME, it's a ridiculous standard.  

But we don't know the OP's history and why this is so important to her. 

Perhaps she should seek therapy to figure it out. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

she needed

There's that word again! It's not a need, it's a demand.

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No one needs monthly "happy day we met" texts. If that were the case how did relationships survive before cell phones were invented?

Of course relationships need quality time! No relationship can survive without spending time together focusing on one another. But a silly text? That is never going to be an absolute requirement.

If the OP truly needs what she says she needs to feel valued and loved -and I really doubt that -she tells herself that so she doesn't come across as the sort of entitled to parade around with arm candy/a man who dotes on her every need like a pampered princess - but if she truly does I say she shouldn't date until she gets to the core of why in the world she's come to "need" this sort of thing.  Because if she "needs" the flowers/texts to this degree then there will be other demands she tells herself is a need - much healthier for her to explore the cause of these "needs" as she puts it rather than subject well meaning guys to these demands.  

(Yes in this situation I feel perfectly comfortable judging in this way).

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't know why nobody's sticking up for my NEED that my partner buy me a Tesla.  I have a particular model and color requirement, and it has to be here by November 21st.   

Please don't dare to judge me.  My LOVE LANGUAGE is "gift getting" and my partner has been sat down and schooled about my Tesla.  I'm getting pretty darn tired of having to go over and over it.  

Then end the relationship... No one is forcing you to stay in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

There's that word again! It's not a need, it's a demand.

It was a need she expressed as a demand which wasn't right.  There's a difference.

Anyway, guess I'm done here.

Take care everyone, ciao. 

[Capricorn3]

To my mind, what we all NEED, is food and water to survive. THAT is NEED (imo).  The rest is "I WANT flowers, I WANT gifts, I WANT.....blah blah blah".  None of us on this entire planet needs material items, or cutesy little messages to make our relationships work (imo).

Demanding, or threatening if she doesn't get what she wants is simply shooting herself in the foot. Sometimes one just needs to get real and face facts.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

To my mind, what we all NEED, is food and water to survive. THAT is NEED (imo).  The rest is "I WANT flowers, I WANT gifts, I WANT.....blah blah blah".  None of us on this entire planet needs material items, or cutesy little messages to make our relationships work (imo).

Demanding, or threatening if she doesn't get what she wants is simply shooting herself in the foot. Sometimes one just needs to get real and face facts.

Right -if love languages are a "thing" I see it as a way the person wants the love delivered.  So one person may prefer touch, the other may prefer little gifts and gestures, yet another what was referred to as "words of affirmation." But the how - I mean - that is up to the person who is accommodating the person's love language (meaning if theirs is different). 

So if he isn't so into the huggy stuff but she is and loves to be touched as a way of showing love then if he gives her a genuine hug on his own initiative - she'll feel good and know he's actually going out of her way to speak her language. 

But if instead she demands a hug in a specific way at specific times of day - that's no longer about love languages -that's telling him "you will do my bidding if you want me to feel loved and if you don't I won't feel loved and I'll pout -so if you walk in and are on the phone you have to get off the phone because I need a hug as soon as you walk in, every day, no matter what -I need it or else I won't feel loved!"

It's not just that she's expressing a need as a demand - it's that once she does this it no longer has anything to do with her "need" for love or her 'love language" - it's only about her need to have a man who is her puppet and does her bidding .... or else.

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

43 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 

You are  conflating unrealistic demands, lowkey coercion  and bullying with "love languages."  They are not the same thing.  

The book about "love languages" is very short and simplistic. It's quite clear that threatening, nagging, browbeating etc. to get somebody to do what you want them to do was not the author's intended message.  I bet they'd be concerned that someone has taken it that way.  

I am not conflating anything, have you read and understood my posts?  Rhetorical question but I'm seriously wondering about it. 

Because as I've stated throughout this thread, I agree with what you've written above.   Except the conflating part. 

Again, and as I've stated almost ad nauseum, demands, threats, bullying and as you said nagging and browbeating has NOTHING to do with love languages in any way shape or form.

Let's get away from love languages and I'm sorry now that I responded to @Truth05 post mentioning it.

It's actually off topic at this point. 

[boltnrun]

Just because she tells herself she "needs" these silly texts doesn't transform them into a legitimate need. 

My brother's ex wife said she "needed" a luxury SUV with leather interior. She said she "needed" her vehicle to "look expensive". She also "needed" diamond jewelry regularly to be convinced he truly loved her. 

Notice I wrote EX wife.

She has yet to find a new man who will accommodate all of her "needs".

There are those out there who feel they have a right to every little thing they want and whoever doesn't accommodate them can't possibly truly love them. But again, their demands are not "needs".

Anyway, the OP has not returned. I presume she either got what she needed from this thread or the responses are not resonating.

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Anyway, the OP has not returned. I presume she either got what she needed from this thread or the responses are not resonating.

Yep

She didn't hear what she wanted so...  

Maybe some of it will sink in

Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, if you're still reading this thread, please understand you would be considered by most, perhaps even your boyfriend, as "overly needy" which is never a good place to be and will drive most emotionally balanced, secure and stable men away.

While imo you're entitled to your needs/standards, again according to most including I would guess your boyfriend, such needs/standards would be considered "unreasonable" and my advice would be to seek professional help from a qualified therapist to determine why you need such things to feel valued and loved.  

My personal opinion is it comes from insecurity and low self-worth, and on some level a sense of entitlement, which is something to explore with a therapist.

And also work on your communication skills because as has been stated, demands and threats are NOT the way to go.

Good luck