is it worth the engagement?

[philliesfan0910]

My gf and I have been together for 3 years now and just moved in together last January. We have talked about getting engaged in the past and before we moved in I told her by budget was $5,000. Well now will the added cost of rent along with some debt I have, I may only be able to afford $3,000-$4000. On top of all that I'm trying to get through school. We discussed this last week and she really wasn't happy with the idea of me lowering the budget. She said she's worth more than that. She also mentioned that she is willing to wait until I can afford what she wants. I kinda got taken back by that and it made me a little upset. I have grown in my faith( I'm a christian and so is she) and now that we live together I want to be at least engaged. confused on how I should handle this issue.

[Seraphim]

So she thinks marriage is only about a ring ? 

[philliesfan0910]

I don't think that. Her stance is just that this is something she will be wearing everyday and in the first time in her life she would actually want to have a real diamond.

[itsallgrand]

Is that budget for an engagement ring only? And she doesn't want to get engaged until you can afford a more expensive ring? 

 

[philliesfan0910]

Just now, itsallgrand said:

Is that budget for an engagement ring only? And she doesn't want to get engaged until you can afford a more expensive ring? 

 

yes, lol. the budget is for the ring only. It sounds like she doesn't want to get engaged until I can afford what she wants.

[itsallgrand]

Just now, philliesfan0910 said:

yes, lol. the budget is for the ring only. It sounds like she doesn't want to get engaged until I can afford what she wants.

Ok, just wanted to make sure! 

Her attitude stinks imo. Have you seen this attitude peek out in her before? Careful because marriage to someone who is materialistic often makes for a miserable life. 

[philliesfan0910]

Just now, itsallgrand said:

Ok, just wanted to make sure! 

Her attitude stinks imo. Have you seen this attitude peek out in her before? Careful because marriage to someone who is materialistic often makes for a miserable life. 

She is not materialistic. Her mindset is that this is the ONE time where she cares about what's on her finger. My mindset is this is what I have to offer right now, later on we can upgrade when I'm finished school.

[itsallgrand]

3 minutes ago, philliesfan0910 said:

She is not materialistic. Her mindset is that this is the ONE time where she cares about what's on her finger. My mindset is this is what I have to offer right now, later on we can upgrade when I'm finished school.

You can get a really nice piece of jewelry for a few thousand. If you buy used, twice as nice for the price.

I could understand her stance if you had a teeny baby budget, but I think she must have a particular ring or idea in her mind in this scenario. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, philliesfan0910 said:

 Her stance is just that this is something she will be wearing everyday 

Hopefully you both realize people can update jewelry and do it all the time. Many people start off with a modest ring and update it as finances and preferences permit. 

She's being unreasonable and using guilt trips about "what she's worth", as if she is overdosing on bridal magazine adspeak about what you're "worth" or what you "deserve".

Please explain that they'll be no wedding if she wants to marry a rock rather than a man. 

[Seraphim]

My engagement ring cost $1000 in 1990. My soon to be husband went every two weeks and put money on it . I loved it more than anything and it wasn’t super expensive. Sadly it was lost in 2007.  I was devastated and  heart sick . But I still had the love of my life . We replaced it a bit later . My original ring was nothing extravagant, just a .20 carat solitaire. What is most important is the love and support I have received over 30 plus years. 

[Batya33]

I love my diamond ring. And my then fiancée was able to afford it. In fact he wanted larger and I didn’t. So he didn’t.  I don’t want to upgrade either. But if he couldn’t have afforded what I did want at the time since my focus was on the marriage not the party or the ring I’d have happily enjoyed it - including if it was a family ring (my wedding band is- his was my gift to him ) - and perhaps upgraded later. 
also ask her if she’s willing to chip in to get what she dreams of. Test her priorities. Back when my parents got engaged in the 1950s they told me the tradition was man buys ring and woman buys an engagement gift for the man - traditionally a watch. So why not share the cost of the ring?

[philliesfan0910]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I love my diamond ring. And my then fiancée was able to afford it. In fact he wanted larger and I didn’t. So he didn’t.  I don’t want to upgrade either. But if he couldn’t have afforded what I did want at the time since my focus was on the marriage not the party or the ring I’d have happily enjoyed it - including if it was a family ring (my wedding band is- his was my gift to him ) - and perhaps upgraded later. 
also ask her if she’s willing to chip in to get what she dreams of. Test her priorities. Back when my parents got engaged in the 1950s they told me the tradition was man buys ring and woman buys an engagement gift for the man - traditionally a watch. So why not share the cost of the ring?

I want to share the cost of the ring haha. That's like emasculating

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, philliesfan0910 said:

I want to share the cost of the ring haha. That's like emasculating

I helped my husband pay for my engagement ring. I assure you, it didn't cause his penis to disappear or stop working.

[Seraphim]

Is she buying you a gift worth the same amount ?

[philliesfan0910]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Is she buying you a gift worth the same amount ?

not that I know of.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, philliesfan0910 said:

not that I know of.

Why not ? When my husband bought my ring I bought him an 18 kt Omega watch for $2500. He still has it today. He was 21 when he bought my ring and I was 24. We were both still at University. 

[itsallgrand]

Is she paying rent or bills? Would that be emasculating? Wondering if this is a situation where you will be paying for everything. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, philliesfan0910 said:

yes, lol. the budget is for the ring only.

What? That is insane lol

Anyway, your girlfriend probably fell to something I call "Instagramification". She probably sees her friends, influencers and others on social networks flashing their engagement rings. And since she see all that on social network "Why should they be better then her and she deserves all of that too". Sadly its a very common behavior now. You say that she isnt materialistic but she is exhibiting very materialistic and entilted behavior. And if that is what you get before marriage I am afraid you wouldnt get better behavior in marriage. If she doesnt compromise about this I would consider not continuing with somebody like that. 

You said "added cost of rent" so would also ask why doesnt she pays her part? Is it because "You earn more and my money is my money" mentality? Also common for "Instagramification".

[philliesfan0910]

7 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Is she paying rent or bills? Would that be emasculating? Wondering if this is a situation where you will be paying for everything. 

if she payed my bills then yes, that would be emasculating, but I have come to the conclusion that I'm paying for what I can afford right now. If she doesn't like it, then that's just too bad. 

[boltnrun]

News flash, she IS acting materialistic. How does a shiny rock make your relationship any better? 

I can think of so many more important things $5k could be spent on.

My brother made that mistake, bought his fiancee a giant diamond engagement ring that cost several thousand dollars. The JEWELER who sold it to him told him he was making a big mistake. "It only goes up from here, son" he told him. He was right. She insisted on being a stay at home wife and then mother and demanded he have a high enough income to buy her even more jewelry and an expensive car. And clothes. And a fancy house with a swimming pool. And custom designed bedding and decor for the kids' rooms. And on and on.  That expensive diamond ring set a precedent and, as she said, she didn't want to "go backwards". He worked his butt off trying to afford all that for her. They ended up divorced, BTW.

If you feel catering to her desire for a big shiny rock to show her friends then if course you can. Just don't be surprised if she wants more and more "things". 

To me, being with my husband was more important than a big rock, just FYI.

[HeartGoesOn]

Hopefully her fascination with the color "green" doesn't carry over into the marriage, ( if that were to take place).

It may be helpful to start a pros and cons list.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, philliesfan0910 said:

 I have come to the conclusion that I'm paying for what I can afford right now. If she doesn't like it, then that's just too bad. 

This is an appropriate approach. Especially since an engagement ring is considered a gift. Get whatever you feel is appropriate and affordable.

Make sure you can also afford a wedding if you both want that as well. But basically don't go into debt and focus on important things and appropriate investments.

I would strongly recommend premarital counseling to sort out some thoughts, feelings, ideas and expectations with regard to finances, kids, household responsibilities, in-laws and the usual areas of conflict. 

[lostandhurt]

Have you two even gone looking for rings?  Picking a number out of thin air and then looking for a ring to fit the cost is pretty stupid.  It is like walking up to a used car salesman and stating "I have 5K to spend on a car, what do you have?" 

 Go looking at rings and not just at upscale jewelry stores with sky high overhead. Many small stores do custom work, rework old rings into new works and have a large selection in all kinds of styles and prices.

She is correct that she is going to wear the ring everyday for the rest of her life (hopefully) so she needs to love it but she should love it by appearance not by the cost.

 If you had 100K for a ring would she want a 100K ring?

Lost

[philliesfan0910]

12 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Have you two even gone looking for rings?  Picking a number out of thin air and then looking for a ring to fit the cost is pretty stupid.  It is like walking up to a used car salesman and stating "I have 5K to spend on a car, what do you have?" 

 Go looking at rings and not just at upscale jewelry stores with sky high overhead. Many small stores do custom work, rework old rings into new works and have a large selection in all kinds of styles and prices.

She is correct that she is going to wear the ring everyday for the rest of her life (hopefully) so she needs to love it but she should love it by appearance not by the cost.

 If you had 100K for a ring would she want a 100K ring?

Lost

We looked together once and the lady asked what my max was and I told her, she she showed me rings in that price range.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, philliesfan0910 said:

We looked together once and the lady asked what my max was and I told her, she she showed me rings in that price range.

Given her attitude and your "emasculating" notions - I'd talk right now about her expectations of the party to celebrate the wedding -and yours - since she's not content to stay within a budget on her diamond - make sure you can afford what she's wanting for a wedding reception and/or engagement party.