Foolishly got myself stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Nakedtruth]

Last week my wife and I went on holiday to our regular spot in Croatia but for the first time without kids who are now old enough & responsible enough to stay home alone (something they preferred anyway to going away with their parents !). This gave us the opportunity to do try new things and we decided we would do something new every day such as sightseeing or simply going to a restaurant we’d not been to before. We both like going to the beach so early in the week we tried a new beach, which we didn’t like, and then mid-week went to a nudist beach - something we hadn’t done before and which we did like.

On our last day we decided to re-visit the nudist beach. After a non-alcoholic clothed lunch at the beach bar we said we’d go for a walk along the beach, but when we got back to our spot my wife said she’d prefer to make the most of our remaining time by having a snooze in the sun. So I went for a walk on my own.

Some way into the walk along a very long nudist beach I noticed two men and a woman disappearing over the back of the dunes lining the beach. Assuming they were probably about to engage in some form of indecent activity this is where stupidly I decided to follow with the intent of spying on them - an opportunity to see a real life porno movie perhaps.

Without going into all the detail, the outcome was the woman performed oral sex on me. Immediately afterwards I fled the scene beating myself up over the utterly stupid and disgusting thing I’d just done.

As well as the huge guilt of the betrayal I also became concerned about the risk of STIs. Whilst travelling home the following day I started to do some research into a subject I’ve had no prior experience of and hence very little knowledge. I had initially assumed that just receiving oral sex would present no risk, but this was misplaced optimism because whilst oral sex is lower risk than penetrative sex nonetheless a risk exists for which testing is necessary. I also learned that each STI has different incubation periods     which for those relevant to my circumstance range from 2 to 12 weeks. Testing within the incubation period can lead to false negative results and therefore whilst I have the initial set of tests booked, it will still be some weeks before I can complete all those I have been advised to have. And until the tests show I’m clear it would be reckless to have sex with my wife.

I know I have committed a huge, despicable mistake which has now permanently etched a massive feeling of guilt and remorse into my mind. Constant negative and sometimes extreme self-harmful thoughts are weighing heavily on me and for the first time in my life I may be drifting into depression. Regardless of my own mental and physical health, I cannot allow myself to commit another huge mistake by infecting my wife.

We have a fantastic loving, intimate and caring marriage, frequently messaging each other throughout the day to tell one another how much we love each other.  We have regular and loving sex, especially at weekends when work doesn’t get in the way of life. We are lucky not to have financial worries and are able to do most of the things we want to. So why I have put all this at risk is completely out of character and beyond my simple brain.

My priority now is to protect my wife physically and mentally which presents a dilemma of whether to tell my wife, when to tell her and how to tell her.  My wife is currently experiencing some anxiety and mood swings likely related to hormonal changes and stress at work for which she is receiving counselling.

Not telling her will spare her feelings (ignorance is bliss) and maintain the good life we have at present. However I will be maintaining a lie leading to further guilt and it will be very difficult to explain why I’ve suddenly gone off sex for 3 months.

Telling her will enable us to manage our physical contact with one another to avoid possible infection but will burst the lovely bubble we share and undermine her trust in me forever more but further impact her mental wellbeing. She has the right to respond in whatever way she wants. I do not assume she will want to stay with me, although I hope she will and will be devastated if she doesn’t. At the risk of sounding over dramatic, I don’t know how I could live without her. I do not expect and will not seek her forgiveness - I have to bear the consequences of my stupidity.

Either way I know I will feel forever ashamed and have to bear this guilt for the rest of my life and am now fearful that if I’ve done this once, could I do it again ? I’d like to think I’ve learned my lesson but have started counselling to try and find some answers and to protect myself and my wife from myself in the future.

I now feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because there is no good outcome to this situation I have foolishly created. My head’s a mess and I know I’m not thinking straight, having taken several days to get all this down in writing.

I’m sorry to reach out to wives and mothers who will no doubt find my behaviour abhorrent, but I really need a woman’s perspective and help on this. Thank you.

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, Nakedtruth said:

I know I have committed a huge, despicable mistake

Unless these people threatened you with physical harm unless you allowed the oral sex, you did not "commit a mistake". You got horny and instead of going back to your wife and having exciting sex with her you made a deliberate choice to enjoy yourself with this stranger. 

I'm glad you are looking out for your wife's health, albeit a bit late. You are correct in not potentially exposing her to an STI by abstaining until you are tested. 

Unless you want to tell yet another lie (and keep up the deception for the rest of your life) you are likely going to end up having to confess to your wife. When you do, please do not categorize this event as a "mistake". It was a terrible choice you made while horny. It's best to be honest about that. Then have a list of things ready to tell your wife about what you'll do to regain her trust. Also, make sure to really listen and don't interrupt or minimize or blame the woman at the beach when your wife gives you her response. Do not invalidate her feelings. 

Most of all, be sure to tell your wife this incident has illustrated to you how much you dearly love your wife and that making the choice to get off with a stranger doesn't mean she doesn't mean the world to you. She will have a hard time believing you (as do I since you chose an orgasm with a stranger over your marriage), but it's important to say the words and then follow up with actions. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Nakedtruth said:

  I have the initial set of tests booked, it will still be some weeks before I can complete all those I have been advised to have. And until the tests show I’m clear it would be reckless to have sex with my wife.

Get tested ASAP. Ask for a counselor at the clinic. They can advise you in general and specifically when the test results are in. Perhaps they can advise you on the pros and cons of when to disclose this and how to go about it. You're probably not their first patient in this situation. In the meantime you're wise to avoid sexual contact until you have appropriate medical information and advice.

[Kwothe28]

There is a risk from oral, yes. Youve been on a receiving end of it but still there is a risk. So yes, you should get tested.

As for wife I dont advocate cheating and hiding it. What you did was clearly very wrong and you did disrespected her hugely. She deserves to know your actions. Whether she chooses to forgive you or not will be on her.

[shouldhavelearned]

You wouldn't make a good spy

[Superstickyone]

Do not tell your wife about this experience.  She will hate you for it.  Swallow the guilt and never do this again.  Get tested asap.

 

[redswim30]

OP, you're leaving out some VERY crucial details that are going to effect how you need to proceed and how you need to heal. 

You have to be HONEST with yourself about WHY you allowed this to happen.   You paint your marriage as happy, as being in love with your wife and not wanting to lose her.   But there's still a reason you allowed this to happen and you're leaving out some rather large gaps of information. 

Why DID you follow this threesome in the first place?  Why didn't you say NO when they called you over?  Some type of conversation must have happened in which the woman offered to do things.  (Please feel free to correct me, if I'm wrong) but I have to wonder if they offered to let you have intercourse with them but you only agreed to oral thinking there was no harm, but then freaked out when you realized STD's can be passed this way as well.  But even if that's NOT the case, you still consented to it- and you at no time told her to stop.  IMVHO, THIS is what is going to hurt your wife far more than the act itself, (unless they held a gun to your head) it's that you HAD to have consented multiple times for a total stranger to be giving you oral. Even in the LEAST shady scenario - this woman literally started without your consent (which I doubt), you STILL had the option to stop her and didn't.  You gloss over that entirely in your story.  

While it's not necessary for US to know every little detail, it IS important for you to know- WHY did you keep saying yes?  You wanted this.  You need to figure out why.  Why didn't you think of the wife you love so much laying on the beach?  Why didn't you stop this woman at ANY point?  Feeling guilt afterwards isn't a LOVE response, it's a FEAR based one.  Many people say this thinking that means that they didn't both want and enjoy it in the moment.   You clearly did or you would have stopped.  At no time did you say, " You know what? No.  My wife who I love is on the beach.  I should go to her now."

What's done is now done.  But you HAVE to tell your wife.  Unless you're a couple that isn't sexually active, most spouses will wonder why all of the sudden you aren't having sex for months.  I know that I certainly would.  If you say nothing, she's going to wonder, and her mind will likely jump to you are hiding something.  And if she's intelligent, one of those speculations will be that you either have or ARE cheating.

She may decide to leave you, but that is a possible consequence. 

You also need to get yourself to a therapist.  You really need to consider why you allowed this to happen. You won't be able to mend your marriage (assuming your wife forgives you) OR yourself without pinpointing the reason. 

 

[smackie9]

Go unload on a therapist.

[jul-els]

You messed up and made a bad choice and now you’re paying the price for it. Beating yourself up over it is only going to make it worse. What you did was neither intelligent nor wise, but at least you know it was wrong.
 

I’m of the opinion that while what you did was completely in the wrong, it’s not worth hurting your wife and ruining your marriage over so long as it was a one time mistake and not something you’ve done before or will ever do again. If this is a pattern with you, then you should by all means tell your wife and if she has an ounce of self-respect she will dump you and you will deserve it.
 

If you’re lucky you didn’t catch anything and you can move forward having learned a valuable lesson. In the meanwhile you will have to live with your choice, figure out a way to keep your secret and realize you’re human, you made a costly mistake and just hope it doesn’t become more costly. This is the price you pay for being unfaithful. Learn your lesson and don’t ever choose to do something so hurtful and foolish again. 

[LotusBlack]

I think you should absolutely tell your wife, as It’s not your place or right to make her choice for her and she cannot make an informed choice if she remains ignorant to the event.

Although some might suggest to withhold the information to “spare” her feelings, the fact is that you haven’t spared her feelings, she just doesn’t know that yet. A marriage is built on honesty and when you lose that, regardless of the other person being aware of it or not, you really don’t have a marriage. And one day she may find out and feel not just betrayed by the action but betrayed again because she wasn’t given the option to decide for herself. You made it about yourself when you cheated and did not consider your wife, and to keep it secret would be you doing the same thing and making it about yourself again, but disguised as concern for your wife’s emotional well-being.

Like the misplaced trust your wife put in you, you must now trust your wife to make the right choice for her life and that might be to work on rebuilding the relationship  or  to leave it. It’s her right to decide, if not, your marriage becomes a lie and nothing ever built on a lie lasts.

[boltnrun]

Not a "mistake".  It was a choice.

[Lambert]

My thoughts are a confession passes your guilt to her. then you can act like she chose to leave you,  but meanwhile you left her.

from what you're saying, you have a wonderful life and in one split second you let a stranger perform a sex act on you.

I have heard the 'I'm a guy' excuse in the past. Like somehow all men are completely helpless to turn down sex. Is that what you're really saying? And is a question for anyone reading this... Are men really just that shallow when it comes to sex? 

To me it's a character trait. You're either the type or you're not. To excuse it away as a mistake. like oops! my penis fell in her mouth is insulting. 

 

[lostandhurt]

Another one and done post...

Seem to be a lot of these lately.

Lost