Last week my wife and I went on holiday to our regular spot in Croatia but for the first time without kids who are now old enough & responsible enough to stay home alone (something they preferred anyway to going away with their parents !). This gave us the opportunity to do try new things and we decided we would do something new every day such as sightseeing or simply going to a restaurant we’d not been to before. We both like going to the beach so early in the week we tried a new beach, which we didn’t like, and then mid-week went to a nudist beach - something we hadn’t done before and which we did like.
On our last day we decided to re-visit the nudist beach. After a non-alcoholic clothed lunch at the beach bar we said we’d go for a walk along the beach, but when we got back to our spot my wife said she’d prefer to make the most of our remaining time by having a snooze in the sun. So I went for a walk on my own.
Some way into the walk along a very long nudist beach I noticed two men and a woman disappearing over the back of the dunes lining the beach. Assuming they were probably about to engage in some form of indecent activity this is where stupidly I decided to follow with the intent of spying on them - an opportunity to see a real life porno movie perhaps.
Without going into all the detail, the outcome was the woman performed oral sex on me. Immediately afterwards I fled the scene beating myself up over the utterly stupid and disgusting thing I’d just done.
As well as the huge guilt of the betrayal I also became concerned about the risk of STIs. Whilst travelling home the following day I started to do some research into a subject I’ve had no prior experience of and hence very little knowledge. I had initially assumed that just receiving oral sex would present no risk, but this was misplaced optimism because whilst oral sex is lower risk than penetrative sex nonetheless a risk exists for which testing is necessary. I also learned that each STI has different incubation periods which for those relevant to my circumstance range from 2 to 12 weeks. Testing within the incubation period can lead to false negative results and therefore whilst I have the initial set of tests booked, it will still be some weeks before I can complete all those I have been advised to have. And until the tests show I’m clear it would be reckless to have sex with my wife.
I know I have committed a huge, despicable mistake which has now permanently etched a massive feeling of guilt and remorse into my mind. Constant negative and sometimes extreme self-harmful thoughts are weighing heavily on me and for the first time in my life I may be drifting into depression. Regardless of my own mental and physical health, I cannot allow myself to commit another huge mistake by infecting my wife.
We have a fantastic loving, intimate and caring marriage, frequently messaging each other throughout the day to tell one another how much we love each other. We have regular and loving sex, especially at weekends when work doesn’t get in the way of life. We are lucky not to have financial worries and are able to do most of the things we want to. So why I have put all this at risk is completely out of character and beyond my simple brain.
My priority now is to protect my wife physically and mentally which presents a dilemma of whether to tell my wife, when to tell her and how to tell her. My wife is currently experiencing some anxiety and mood swings likely related to hormonal changes and stress at work for which she is receiving counselling.
Not telling her will spare her feelings (ignorance is bliss) and maintain the good life we have at present. However I will be maintaining a lie leading to further guilt and it will be very difficult to explain why I’ve suddenly gone off sex for 3 months.
Telling her will enable us to manage our physical contact with one another to avoid possible infection but will burst the lovely bubble we share and undermine her trust in me forever more but further impact her mental wellbeing. She has the right to respond in whatever way she wants. I do not assume she will want to stay with me, although I hope she will and will be devastated if she doesn’t. At the risk of sounding over dramatic, I don’t know how I could live without her. I do not expect and will not seek her forgiveness - I have to bear the consequences of my stupidity.
Either way I know I will feel forever ashamed and have to bear this guilt for the rest of my life and am now fearful that if I’ve done this once, could I do it again ? I’d like to think I’ve learned my lesson but have started counselling to try and find some answers and to protect myself and my wife from myself in the future.
I now feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because there is no good outcome to this situation I have foolishly created. My head’s a mess and I know I’m not thinking straight, having taken several days to get all this down in writing.
I’m sorry to reach out to wives and mothers who will no doubt find my behaviour abhorrent, but I really need a woman’s perspective and help on this. Thank you.
