46male wife 42F I finally went sober but I think wife will leave me what to do?

[suddenlysober]

I was an alcoholic for over 10 years and I have made multiple promises to my wife that I would quit .  We have been married for 23;years

 

Well finally 6 months ago I quit for good.  I got a psych, and a therapist, went on antidepressants and using talk therapy.  I have had no desire to drink booze. 

 

Well few weeks ago my therapist gave me Wellbutrin to augment my ssri and after 3 weeks on Wellbutrin lights went on in my brain, I suddenly had energy, desire to clean around the house and have fun with my wife.  I was my old self again.  Suddenly I realized that my wife has been cold to me over the past few months.  So I approached her few days ago and she told me that she was considering divorce and right now she needs space.  I told her that i have realized how I ***ed up in the past.  All my memories of me being drunk were flooding into my mind for the past few weeks.  I told her that I will be making up for the rest of my life and that I love her.  But she said that each time she looks at me she sees the drunk version and now she needs space to see what to do.  

 

Is this over?  Is there a way to convince her that I've finally changed? 

[1a1a]

She may not recover from the accumulated pain before you got sober but the thing to do is the same either way, keep living your best and soberest life. I’m really sorry your wife is leaning out but I’m very very glad you have energy now. Use it to love yourself, her while that’s applicable, your friends and family and life itself. 

[Capricorn3]

3 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

She may not recover from the accumulated pain before you got sober but the thing to do is the same either way, keep living your best and soberest life. I’m really sorry your wife is leaning out but I’m very very glad you have energy now. Use it to love yourself, her while that’s applicable, your friends and family and life itself. 

I second this post.  I think too much damage has been done and she's checked out, but that shouldn't stop you moving on to a new clean/sober life.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, suddenlysober said:

 I realized that my wife has been cold to me over the past few months.  So I approached her few days ago and she told me that she was considering divorce and right now she needs space.

Congratulations on your sobriety and taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

Unfortunately it seems like the marriage has been falling apart for years and you're only noticing it now. What exactly does she mean by "space"? Moving out? Legal separation?

Unfortunately when someone mentions divorce,the best thing you can do is consult an attorney for information support and advice on your situation. Get your ducks in a row so you're not blindsided if she files.

[shouldhavelearned]

Take care of yourself

She has heard it before so doesn't believe it. Show her, repeatedly....day by day you've changed and you never know.

Can't force anything.

Day to day 

[suddenlysober]

I asked her if she still loves me.  She said that she loves me but she is not in love with me.  I don't know how to take that. 

I asked her if it's over and she told me to give her space and stop asking because the more I ask the quicker it can be over. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, suddenlysober said:

I asked her if it's over and she told me to give her space and stop asking because the more I ask the quicker it can be over. 

Why not step back and leave her alone for now? Pestering her won't help your situation. Please speak with your therapist about what's happening. 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, suddenlysober said:

Is this over?  Is there a way to convince her that I've finally changed? 

Unfortunately, most probably is over. You have to understand that years of neglecting her and treating her badly, had an effect on your marriage. Moreover, she really cant trust you that you changed. let alone stay that way. You might, but its debatable (lots of addicts, especially alcies just spirals back) and she really lost her trust in you. So dont think there is something you can do as the damage is done already. Just focus on being a good husband and not spiraling on your straight path. If it happens, it happens.

[Crawfords Wine]

Well done on your recent sobriety.

For your wife, it sounds like you've basically come a day late and a dollar short.
10 years is an awful long time compared to the short amount you have been sober.

She's dealt with 10 years of seeing you choose alcohol over her.
She has banked 10 years worth of broken promises, disappointments, embarrassing situations, damaged trust, feeling unseen and uncared for.

You cannot fix that with a few weeks -or even months- of good intentions and good behaviour on your part.

You ought to concentrate on you and your sobriety. Show her it's not yet another instance of 'drinker's remorse'.
Tell her that you love her and would love to remain married to her, but you ultimately accept and respect her decision to call it quits if she does decide to do so. 

I wish you well in your sobriety.

[lostandhurt]

Child of alcoholic parents here so I have witnessed just about all of it.

Her timing is suspicious to say the least.  When you were a drunk she didn't want to divorce you but now that you have made a huge improvement she suddenly wants space???

 My guess is that there is something else going on and now that you are clean she knows you will start figuring it out.  I have no idea what it could be but there is more to this than a fed up wife sick of her drunk husband.

 So what can you do?  Nothing as you have zero control over what she  decides or does.  The sooner you accept that simple fact the better off you will be. This is where you keep the focus on your recovery and sobriety.  This is a major emotional cut for you so the temptation to drink to numb the hurt needs to be fought off like your life depends on it because it does.

 Trying to make sense or figure what you should do to win her back or whatever is a waste of time.  What you can do is be the best version of yourself, get healthy physically (walks, workout, eat right) and become strong on all levels of your life.  That means looking and feeling good all the time.  If she isn't attracted and wants to be with the man in front of her then no amount of flowers, date nights, apologies or penance will change her mind.

  I know this sucks to finally feel like you have beaten your demon only to sober up to this but what would you rather have: A wife that pretends to love you and secretly despises you or for you both to be able to find happiness away from alcohol?

 This isn't the end no matter what happens, just one more step towards a better life.

 Lost

[waffle]

16 hours ago, suddenlysober said:

I asked her if she still loves me.  She said that she loves me but she is not in love with me.  I don't know how to take that. 

I asked her if it's over and she told me to give her space and stop asking because the more I ask the quicker it can be over. 

Translation: this woman is 100% done.

 

[redswim30]

On 9/26/2023 at 11:10 AM, lostandhurt said:

Child of alcoholic parents here so I have witnessed just about all of it.

Her timing is suspicious to say the least.  When you were a drunk she didn't want to divorce you but now that you have made a huge improvement she suddenly wants space???

 My guess is that there is something else going on and now that you are clean she knows you will start figuring it out.  I have no idea what it could be but there is more to this than a fed up wife sick of her drunk husband.

 So what can you do?  Nothing as you have zero control over what she  decides or does.  The sooner you accept that simple fact the better off you will be. This is where you keep the focus on your recovery and sobriety.  This is a major emotional cut for you so the temptation to drink to numb the hurt needs to be fought off like your life depends on it because it does.

 Trying to make sense or figure what you should do to win her back or whatever is a waste of time.  What you can do is be the best version of yourself, get healthy physically (walks, workout, eat right) and become strong on all levels of your life.  That means looking and feeling good all the time.  If she isn't attracted and wants to be with the man in front of her then no amount of flowers, date nights, apologies or penance will change her mind.

  I know this sucks to finally feel like you have beaten your demon only to sober up to this but what would you rather have: A wife that pretends to love you and secretly despises you or for you both to be able to find happiness away from alcohol?

 This isn't the end no matter what happens, just one more step towards a better life.

 Lost

^ I was going to say exactly THIS!  Your wife's timing on this is HIGHLY suspect to me.  I wonder if she was perhaps having an affair while you were struggling?  Or perhaps (and I say this as someone who has dealt a lot with alcoholics in the family)- Sometimes the alcohol can be a "shield" in a way. 

1.  I can't leave them while they are struggling - mindset. 

OR 

2.  (this may sound surprising, but I've seen it)- Sometimes people don't realize that they LIKE the effect of the alcohol.  Maybe the alcohol made you more "fun" in her eyes, and sometimes people even like it (subconsciously) for negative reasons-  She felt more "put together" watching you struggle, She has a "savior complex", you realize you don't actually have strong compatibility- there is such a thing as "trauma bonding" and when that is gone, the relationship has no other foundation.   It could potentially be any of these. 

NO matter what it is, your wife has decided she is done.  HOWEVER, please continue on focusing on making yourself healthy.  I don't discount what your wife may have been through, but it does seem unfair to do this right when you are getting healthy.  No matter the mistakes you've made, all you can do is move forward.   If that means doing so without your wife, that's what it means. 

Focus on your OWN health.  I would contact a lawyer and start putting this in as positive perspective as you can.   A new, clean life, with a new clean slate. 

[Cherylyn]

She had burned out after 10 years.  For her:  Too little too late.  ☹️

Continue the great work though and congratulations on your road to good health. 

[extrox]

Addict and alcoholic here...give her space, ideally living apart, and no matter what's going on with her, you must do whatever you have to do to avoid a relapse no matter what.

Remember, being clean is not the same as being sober. These are the two main things you must fight for, not her.

If you keep clean and increase you sobriety, everything else will fall in place.

[TeeDee]

Congrats on your sobriety.  You seem to have done it without the 12 steps but I suggest you start going to AA for the support.  Someone there has been through what you & your wife are experiencing now & can help you.  

In the short term, do as she asks.  Give space & let her be but be kind & upbeat.  You want her to see the new you that she will lose if she leaves now.  But don't force it.