Long-distance guy - update

[Sindy_0311]

Feeling a connection with someone doesn’t automatically mean wanting a relationships with that person. I can feel connection with people, with coworkers or with friends or even with guys I had casual relationships with. 

The thing is he didn’t want to pursue this. You have been engaging with him, reaching out, asking him whether he wanted to come meet you and he didn’t do anything. The question is not whether he liked you or not, the question is, even if he did like you, he couldn’t make it. That’s why I said wrong man (or maybe wrong timing) 

But here is a quote I like :“Rejection is gods redirection to something better in your life.”

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Feeling a connection with someone doesn’t automatically mean wanting a relationships with that person. I can feel connection with people, with coworkers or with friends or even with guys I had casual relationships with. 

The thing is he didn’t want to pursue this. You have been engaging with him, reaching out, asking him whether he wanted to come meet you and he didn’t do anything. The question is not whether he liked you or not, the question is, even if he did like you, he couldn’t make it. That’s why I said wrong man (or maybe wrong timing) 

But here is a quote I like :“Rejection is gods redirection to something better in your life.”

This is not exactly how it was but as I said, I don't want to analyze what he did or didn't do anymore, I stopped talking to him for a reason and I'm trying to move on.

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I simply miss the connection

Keep in mind, that connection seemed to be fleeting. 

It wasn't consistent. When you talked, perhaps it was nice and felt good, but it wasn't sustained. It came and went. I am willing to bet you don't miss that part, which is indeed part of the bigger picture with this particular guy. 

 

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Keep in mind, that connection seemed to be fleeting. 

It wasn't consistent. When you talked, perhaps it was nice and felt good, but it wasn't sustained. It came and went. I am willing to be you don't miss that part, which is indeed part of the bigger picture with this particular guy. 

 

That's a valid point, thank you.

[NighttimeNightmare]

5 hours ago, kim42 said:

Probably, I know it's not good to compare guys but I think subconsciously I am expecting a similar kind of connection when I go on a date now.

There’s nothing wrong with comparing if you do it in a realistic way. 
 

for example, you don’t want to be with a partner who bores you, and you feel you’ve got no chemistry with.  So you can say, “I know from my connection with xyz, I want someone who is easy to talk to and who I feel connected in that way with.” That’s perfectly healthy, and you learn about yourself and your needs that way. 
 

what would be unhelpful would be if you were to think there’s no one else out there who you can connect with and close yourself off from being opened to someone fitting into that mold that works for you (which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing, so you’re good). There are other people who you’ll connect with eventually, just don’t settle.  Try to find stability and a place of being content with your own company.  
 

Mutual connections and chemistry don’t come easy, as you’re realizing, but if you can find stability in solitude then the interim between now and when you find that person is a lot easier to swallow. 

[kim42]

13 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

There’s nothing wrong with comparing if you do it in a realistic way. 
 

for example, you don’t want to be with a partner who bores you, and you feel you’ve got no chemistry with.  So you can say, “I know from my connection with xyz, I want someone who is easy to talk to and who I feel connected in that way with.” That’s perfectly healthy, and you learn about yourself and your needs that way. 
 

what would be unhelpful would be if you were to think there’s no one else out there who you can connect with and close yourself off from being opened to someone fitting into that mold that works for you. There are other people who you’ll connect with eventually, just don’t settle.  Try to find stability and a place of being content with your own company. 

Thank you, this is helpful too.

I think the rational and logical part of me is aware.if this but sometimes the 'I'll be forever single' part of me prevails and I feel lost.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I don't want to analyze or speculate on what happened or didn't happen, I decided to distance myself from him as I explained from the beginning.

I'm not trying to win him back or anything, I simply miss the connection, especially after all the dates I had.

I think @catfeeder hit the nail on the head, I'm trying to move forward, so no need to analyze his behavior or actions.

No analysis needed. He didn’t make a specific plan to see you yet. You chose to move on because you believe you gave him sufficient time and chances to step up and make a plan. I was responding to your question on the fantasy element. Moving forward I have a strong feeling you’ll take a lot of learning from this experience as far as when you feel comfortable moving on if the man doesn’t step up or reciprocate. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, this is helpful too.

I think the rational and logical part of me is aware.if this but sometimes the 'I'll be forever single' part of me prevails and I feel lost.

You absolutely might be single for your whole life and have relationships that are close yet not close and romantic and long lasting. No guarantees. So yes that might trigger feelings of being “lost “ but it’s also partly realistic.
So instead of lost - find the aspects of your life you enjoy without a romantic partner and or activities or experiences you can get involved in that do not require a serious romantic partner. Live your life. There’s certainly a good chance you’ll find a good match and be in a committed relationship but it’s up to you to take actions consistent with not being “lost “ if you do not. 

[Andrina]

I feel for you, as I also experienced a lot of frustration and upsets and craziness in the dating world. Even though I pulled out all the stops--friends fixing me up, taking dancing lessons, OLD and Meetup.com, it was a lot of emotional ups and downs and dashed hopes. In the end, I found the treasure after sifting through a lot of sand. Unfortunately, the timeline ends up differently for each person.

When feeling down, I watched movies like Bridget Jones' Diary, where I could both wallow and laugh since the character was dealing with the same. 

Glad you're making progress in the way you date. Take care.

[kim42]

Thanks everyone for your advice, I have 2 dates planned for this weekend so let's see how this goes.

[kim42]

Hi guys,

a little update on my story, I think I can continue here.

So the long distance guy would message me here and there in the past weeks, and although I wanted to take a step back and stop talking to him, I didn't want to ignore his message so we talked a little here and there.

He was very nice, a little flirty, we would send each other random pictures (not of ourselves).

Then I found out that I'll be in his city for work soon, and decided to tell him and asked if he wanted to catch up. He replied that he definitely wants to meet up when I'll be there, suggested some things we could do and told me to keep him posted when my business trip gets closer.

This time I'll meet him with little expectations and just see how things go. I think it could be a good learning experience for me to learn how to detach myself from the outcome, and try to have fun without overanalyzing everything.

I'll keep you posted! 

[Batya33]

Yes- go with no expectations -just to have a pleasant time catching up.  I agree!

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

Hi guys,

a little update on my story, I think I can continue here.

So the long distance guy would message me here and there in the past weeks, and although I wanted to take a step back and stop talking to him, I didn't want to ignore his message so we talked a little here and there.

He was very nice, a little flirty, we would send each other random pictures (not of ourselves).

Then I found out that I'll be in his city for work soon, and decided to tell him and asked if he wanted to catch up. He replied that he definitely wants to meet up when I'll be there, suggested some things we could do and told me to keep him posted when my business trip gets closer.

This time I'll meet him with little expectations and just see how things go. I think it could be a good learning experience for me to learn how to detach myself from the outcome, and try to have fun without overanalyzing everything.

I'll keep you posted! 

Excellent! Thanks for thinking of us, Kim. Fingers crossed for you. And him.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think it could be a good learning experience for me to learn how to detach myself from the outcome

While I think its OK to respond to messages and even to see him, dont think you offering to see him and seeing him in the process, is the best way for you to detach. On the contrary, its the worst way since you will entagle yourself even more. The point of detaching is to actually detach so you could move on. Stop thinking about that person like potentially the one for you and finding somebody else. You seeing him would be a step back in that direction.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

 I found out that I'll be in his city for work soon, and decided to tell him and asked if he wanted to catch up. He replied that he definitely wants to meet up when I'll be there, suggested some things we could do and told me to keep him posted when my business trip gets closer.

That's good news. It's good you stayed in light touch. Hope things go well.

[kim42]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

While I think its OK to respond to messages and even to see him, dont think you offering to see him and seeing him in the process, is the best way for you to detach. On the contrary, its the worst way since you will entagle yourself even more. The point of detaching is to actually detach so you could move on. Stop thinking about that person like potentially the one for you and finding somebody else. You seeing him would be a step back in that direction.

I see what you mean, I thought about it and I think if I didn't ask him, it could have been something that I would regret later in the future.

I don't know what will happen, I'll have low expectations this time and just see how it goes. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

While I think its OK to respond to messages and even to see him, dont think you offering to see him and seeing him in the process, is the best way for you to detach. On the contrary, its the worst way since you will entagle yourself even more. The point of detaching is to actually detach so you could move on. Stop thinking about that person like potentially the one for you and finding somebody else. You seeing him would be a step back in that direction.

I would agree with this if the guy ghosted and the only practical thing would be to detach. But that's not the case. He's been reaching out. He's been engaged. He's just not positioned to make the same trip he had envisioned a few months ago.

This isn't some Nigerian scam. There's no reason to avoid engaging someone with whom you're attracted who is still, apparently, attracted to you. Why not? What's to lose?

[Andrina]

I'd go. I'd just avoid being alone in his home or your hotel room. And I'd avoid making out if you two have chemistry sparks. I wouldn't do any of that until/if he starts making effort and going to your town, over a period of time if things go well. Not his first visit.

[Kwothe28]

51 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I would agree with this if the guy ghosted and the only practical thing would be to detach. But that's not the case. He's been reaching out. He's been engaged. He's just not positioned to make the same trip he had envisioned a few months ago.

 

Him reaching out doesnt mean too much in the grand order of things. He could just be looking for a chat buddy or a fling. She came to his town first time. She came to his town second time. She proposed a meeting. He did absolutely none of the effort aside of suggesting things they could do when she does all the heavy lifting. Sure, she doesnt lose anything by seeing him. But in a situation where OP is looking for a serious commitment, this guy is not it. Just because somebody is sending you messages and engaging you doesnt mean they are a good candidate for long term commitment. Or that they even want that.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

While I think its OK to respond to messages and even to see him, dont think you offering to see him and seeing him in the process, is the best way for you to detach.

What Kim wrote was it would be a good lesson on how to detach "from the outcome" which is different from detaching emotionally.

I see nothing wrong and actually everything right about what she's chosen to do.  

She can still attach emotionally if that where this takes her and enjoy their interaction for what it is, nothing more, nothing less, while still detaching from the outcome of it.

I'm this way naturally, and it works quite well for me, and the men I've dated and had relationships with.  Including long term relationships.

I think @Batya33calls it 'head in the clouds, feet on the ground."

It's about balance. 

 

[kim42]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What Kim wrote was it would be a good lesson on how detach "from the outcome" which is different from detaching emotionally.

I see nothing wrong and actually everything right about what she's chosen to do.  

She can still attach emotionally if that where this takes her and enjoy their interaction for what it is, nothing more, nothing less, while still detaching from the outcome of it.

I'm this way naturally, and it works quite well for me, and the men I've gotten involved with.  

I think @Batya33calls it 'head in the clouds, feet on the ground."

It's about balance. 

 

Thank you @rainbowsandroses, that's exactly what I meant.

[Kwothe28]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

She can still attach emotionally if that where this takes her and enjoy their interaction for what it is, nothing more, nothing less, while still detaching from the outcome of it.

 

But that is the thing. She shouldnt attach emotionally to somebody where there is no future. Because it would be a waste of time and energy for her who is looking a serious thing. And moving on would require her more of that time then if she wouldnt see him and just, you know, actually move on from the whole situation. 

I am not against her seeing him. She clearly has a big desire for that. Its her life and she is bound to have good and bad decisions in it and follow them through. Just saying that, according to what she wrote, there is no future there. Like, at all. 

[kim42]

41 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Him reaching out doesnt mean too much in the grand order of things. He could just be looking for a chat buddy or a fling. She came to his town first time. She came to his town second time. She proposed a meeting. He did absolutely none of the effort aside of suggesting things they could do when she does all the heavy lifting. Sure, she doesnt lose anything by seeing him. But in a situation where OP is looking for a serious commitment, this guy is not it. Just because somebody is sending you messages and engaging you doesnt mean they are a good candidate for long term commitment. Or that they even want that.

I'd just like to clarify that I didn't come to his city to see him the first time either - I planned a trip to see my friends, and he suggested meeting up once he knew I'd be there.

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think @Batya33calls it 'head in the clouds, feet on the ground."

It's about balance. 

 

Not here -I think she should meet him only if her expectation is hanging out with a platonic friend. Not a date and if she is going there in her head as if it is or could be a date it's too risky to "experiment" with "detaching"

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

She shouldnt attach emotionally to somebody where there is no future. Because it would be a waste of time and energy for her who is looking a serious thing.

I think this may be difficult to explain to people who don't have this mindset, but the relationship can be a "serious thing" while still remaining detached from the outcome of it..  

Attaching to an outcome is meaningless imo as anything can happen at any time.  Even in marriages, anything can happen.  I'm living proof, mine broke down in less than two years.

Despite the vows, despite the commitment.

There are no guarantees EVER so why attach yourself to it?

Enjoy the process, enjoy the journey, take things one day at a time, embracing and cherishing each moment and each other, whether it goes the distance (long term) or not. 

That's my philosophy anyway and like I said works very well for me. :))