Is this a commitment text?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

: I had a great first date tonight with another guy 😂

That's a good idea. You seem to have too many misgivings about his interest, availability and how into this he is. Perhaps slow down and enjoy dating.

Maybe work something out with your ex husband as far as custody arrangements because you seem to mention quite a bit that scheduling any dates is difficult due to the arrangement you have.

[Batya33]

41 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

My first reaction was to think, well he is not really in a hurry to see me. (We didn’t see each other last week because I was with the kid) H

Maybe he thinks you should have gotten a sitter, etc. in order to see him?

[Sindy_0311]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe he thinks you should have gotten a sitter, etc. in order to see him?

When we started dating I told him about our custody arrangement and he said it was fine for him...

One time I hired a baby-sitter to go to a restaurant with a guy, but frankly I regretted it because its expressive (was more expensive than the diner itself) and I prefer not spending that money for someone who isn't official yet. Also prefer staying with my son when I'm having him with me, because i'm not really in the mood to date.. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

When we started dating I told him about our custody arrangement and he said it was fine for him...

One time I hired a baby-sitter to go to a restaurant with a guy, but frankly I regretted it because its expressive (was more expensive than the diner itself) and I prefer not spending that money for someone who isn't official yet. Also prefer staying with my son when I'm having him with me, because i'm not really in the mood to date.. 

Yes I would feel the same and have foregone many social opportunities including meeting a very very famous person for the same exact reason. I was just wondering if your complaints about his not making time for you might not be the best look but since he accepted your scheduling issues, your parenting arrangement and preferences then yes I totally get it!

[Sindy_0311]

Something interesting I saw today on a blog: 

"I’M NOT SEEING ANYBODY ELSE.
YES BUT HE’S NOT ACTUALLY WITH YOU EITHER!"

"One of the things I learned about dating is that in order to survive, you need to be able to smell the BS coming from a mile away otherwise assclowns a plenty will suck up your time, reduce your self-esteem, and end up making you believe that dating is for suckers. One of the classic BS lines is when a guy tells you by way of reassurance that he’s not seeing/dating/sleeping with anybody else.

Now this should be good news…or is it?

The only time when this is good news is when he really isn’t with someone else but he is actually in a bonafide committed relationship with you, or is making a concerted effort to date you and move things forward. If either of these things are absent, it is likely that you will take the information, swallow it whole, and live under the misguided assumption that if he’s not with anyone else, then he must be with you.

This is the trouble when we oversimplify things – we are so eager to hear something, anything positive, that it doesn’t occur to us to examine this piece of information further.

The reality is that these words don’t mean anything if you are already living in inaction with him. He is telling you this to pacify you, reassure you, shut you up, and most importantly get you off his back so that you don’t question his lack of input into the relationship.

I’m here aren’t I? [Yes but I actually don’t know when I’ll see you next]
I’m with you aren’t I? [Are you? It sure as hell doesn’t feel like it with these crumbs you’re throwing me!]
I stayed over with you last night, didn’t I?[Yes because I made you/because you had nothing better to do]
Didn’t we spend last week together?[Yes but I’d hardly seen you for the previous month!]

This all equates to him Buying Time. Say it with me ‘He’s Buying Time!’"

Source: Baggagereclaim

@rainbowsandroses Learn 😁

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Source: Baggagereclaim

@rainbowsandroses Learn 😁

Oh I've learned and still learning! I was single for many years before I got married. 

I'm very familiar with Natalie Lue and all her work - "baggageclaim" and a book I recommended to Alex39 - "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl," have you read that one?  

Good stuff, not your standard self-help fluff.

What are you gonna do?

[Batya33]

That was so... negative and suspicious to an extent I find it sad.  In all my serious relationships we had a simple and direct conversation including with my future husband both times we were exclusive -in our late 20s and late 30s.  Until that point- we weren't -even if there were signs/comments/reading tea leaves. It's really that simple when two people really want to be together and are done looking around.

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

"Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl,"

Didnt read that one... I will check, thank you!!! Right now I'm reading "Codependent No More" 🙈

 

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What are you gonna do?

For now, nothing.

He texted me yesterday morning (to reply to my late reply text the previous evening) and wished me a good day... I didn't text back... Didn't hear anything from him since then. I just don't get it that he isn't willing to meet during the week. I mean, if it wasn't convenient for him to come, why didn't he invited me? He said its better to meet during the weekend, I replied, "yeah ok, we will catch up" and that was it, I don't even know whether he will set up a date or text me... 

And frankly I don't know what to do if he reaches out... I hesitate between telling him that I feel a disconnect and that I don't feel comfortable in this relationship, and between telling nothing and just decline for the weekend pretending I'm busy... 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That was so... negative and suspicious to an extent I find it sad.

What was suspicious? 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

’m here aren’t I? [Yes but I actually don’t know when I’ll see you next]
I’m with you aren’t I? [Are you? It sure as hell doesn’t feel like it with these crumbs you’re throwing me!]
I stayed over with you last night, didn’t I?[Yes because I made you/because you had nothing better to do]
Didn’t we spend last week together?[Yes but I’d hardly seen you for the previous month!]

It suggests the woman be suspicious of the man's intentions to an extent that IMHO seems like a really sad mindset to have when it comes to dating.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

What was suspicious? 

Sindy, just be careful how you interpret her (Natalie Lue's) work.  Depending on what you're going through, you can spin a negative or simply be neutral about it and use as a guide, a learning tool.

I found it's best to read her work and others (like Esther Perel) when you're in a neutral frame or an open-minded positive frame. 

Right now you're feeling confused and discouraged so you're going to spin a negative.  JMO I've been there.

Pay attention to his ACTIONS (or in this case his non-actions) and proceed accordingly is my advice. 

P S.  I do agree with Batya on this one.  

[Sindy_0311]

okey, thank you both of you... 

you might be right, I'm being way to suspicious...

Its like googling your symptoms and come to the conclusion that you are going to die in two weeks... its not accurate..

I shouldn't browse these blogs in my actual state of mind and stop thinking about it... 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

okey, thank you both of you... 

you might be right, I'm being way to suspicious...

Its like googling your symptoms and come to the conclusion that you are going to die in two weeks... its not accurate..

I shouldn't browse these blogs in my actual state of mind and stop thinking about it... 

I love the oldie but goodie book by Judith Sills called A Fine Romance. And yes EsterPerel!

[Sher_sher]

I think he is trying to tell you that he likes you and he’s not looking to be with anyone else right now. He’s dating you and intends to keep doing so. There’s no reason you can’t have a conversation with him about it though. You don’t have to get into a big thing. A simple question like, “hey, I liked your response to my text the other day, does this mean you don’t plan on seeing anyone else while you’re with me?” I’m sure he will confirm that is indeed what he was saying. There’s no reason to not ask. It’s natural to want to know what his feelings are about the relationship. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I love the oldie but goodie book by Judith Sills called A Fine Romance. 

My mom gave that book to me!!  Yes, agree, awesome book!!  Even in this day and age. :)

It's a timeless masterpiece.

 

[bluecastle]

37 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He texted me yesterday morning (to reply to my late reply text the previous evening) and wished me a good day... I didn't text back... Didn't hear anything from him since then. I just don't get it that he isn't willing to meet during the week. I mean, if it wasn't convenient for him to come, why didn't he invited me? He said its better to meet during the weekend, I replied, "yeah ok, we will catch up" and that was it, I don't even know whether he will set up a date or text me... 

 

I'll be honest and tell you that, if I was in his shoes, I would be on the road out after the above, assuming your interest was either lukewarm or that you were high-maintenance and prone to testing/playing games when feeling edgy and insecure.

He suggested the weekend, for reasons you yourself said were understandable: distance, traffic, work. To that he got a pretty chilly response, and when he met that chill by warmly wishing you a good day he got...no response.

You say he has made no adjustments, yet he has happily adjusted to your custody schedule. To adjust a bit to his work schedule seems, from where I sit, pretty reasonable.

Reading between the lines—and I could very well be wrong!—my sense is that you may be in a place in life where you are more interested in the courtship and attention of early dating, and the buzz of all that that, more than transitioning that into a relationship and sitting with some of the uncertainty and discomfort that inevitably comes with that.

No judgement, at all, and again I could be way off. But it's just what's coming through to me. 

 

[MrMan1983]

29 minutes ago, Sher_sher said:

I think he is trying to tell you that he likes you and he’s not looking to be with anyone else right now. He’s dating you and intends to keep doing so. There’s no reason you can’t have a conversation with him about it though. You don’t have to get into a big thing. A simple question like, “hey, I liked your response to my text the other day, does this mean you don’t plan on seeing anyone else while you’re with me?” I’m sure he will confirm that is indeed what he was saying. There’s no reason to not ask. It’s natural to want to know what his feelings are about the relationship. 

Agreed, rest of this stuff is over complicating it especially negative blog posts that may have no bearing on this current situation. 

[boltnrun]

You seem very adverse to opening yourself up to this man and seem to be extremely fearful of rejection. Yet you're expecting HIM to open up to YOU and ask you to be exclusive. 

Why is he expected to be free of fear (or be willing to overcome it) but you are not?

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

The reality is that these words don’t mean anything if you are already living in inaction with him. He is telling you this to pacify you, reassure you, shut you up, and most importantly get you off his back so that you don’t question his lack of input into the relationship.

Not relevant to your situation, you made a joke about bringing an old person home and he went further than expected by pretty much admitting he’s only interested in you. Probably opened up more than he needed to, not sure what he’s done wrong really.  

[Sindy_0311]

5 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

ot sure what he’s done wrong really.  

He didn’t want to make time to see me this week… I don’t get why… 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He texted me yesterday morning  and wished me a good day... I didn't text back...  I just don't get it that he isn't willing to meet during the week

Unfortunately you seem quite angry with him. Does he work during the week? That could be why. But instead you run out on other dates and reading blogs about what dirt bags men are etc.

Please try to organize your thoughts. This festival guy and you got off to a bad start and it's been bumpy all along with angst about his relationship history, meeting your child, being exclusive, he didn't dress up for dates, etc, etc., etc .

Try to give yourself a break. Maybe you two are incompatible. Please understand that your custody arrangement and wanting someone available all the times you have free but then for a week and every other weekend you're completely unavailable. 

Please slow down. Try not to make dates into insta step dads at the same time they give you panic attacks, you're suspicious of their motives and then start playing "let's not reply" games while your mind runs wild with blogs and theories.

 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You seem very adverse to opening yourself up to this man and seem to be extremely fearful of rejection. Yet you're expecting HIM to open up to YOU and ask you to be exclusive. 

Why is he expected to be free of fear (or be willing to overcome it) but you are not?

That's my perspective too.

Why on Earth is this guy supposed to be ready to see OP on weekdays, when he prefers to date on weekends?   And if he doesn't, he will be subjected to one of two manipulative game playing tactics:  

Quote

I hesitate between telling him that I feel a disconnect and that I don't feel comfortable in this relationship, and between telling nothing and just decline for the weekend pretending I'm busy... 

OP - this is no state of mind for anyone to be in when dating.  Quite toxic, to be honest. 

He is not jumping through your imaginary hoops according to your personal schedule which you have not made him privy to - but he's going to be punished and pushed off of balance now, because he has not conformed to them. 

Lots of people don't choose to date on weekdays, especially if they work.   

The worst part is that if this guy did magically read your mind and perform all of the acts that would keep him on the roster of your busy multi-dating program, you would then find him boring and discard him for that.  

He "hurt" you by  wanting to wait until the weekend, so you will show him who's boss by cutting him off.  But there's a big difference:  He's not manipulating the situation.  He's just being the way he is; choosing to date on the weekend.  Like millions of dating people all over the world.

Stop being cruel to others in order to protect yourself.  You're not succeeding in protecting yourself, and you are spreading some pretty bad karma around your life. 

 

[boltnrun]

That's why I asked before what is more important..."protecting" yourself from getting hurt or having a loving relationship?

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He didn’t want to make time to see me this week… I don’t get why… 

And, you want to change that by "punishing" him and not even answering his messages? And dating other people?

Two months are a good time to reflect on some stuff. I am not against you moving on and even dating others. Just saying that you should have a conversation with him that it isnt going forward and that you decided to move on from him. Instead of complaining how he doesnt want to see you while he reached to you and you dont even want to answer. Its not how you should condone yourself. Because you are basically ghosting him.

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 9/10/2023 at 11:19 AM, Sindy_0311 said:

But is this enough to assume that we are both being exclusive?? Doesn’t this usually requires a convo as you say?

I wouldn’t say it “requires” one, I’ve never had the convo with any of my gf’s. 
 

but I do think in this day and age it’s a good idea because then it’s clear and there’s no room for misunderstandings. I don’t know your age but in my experience with people in their 20s-30s there’s a lot of talk about open relationships, non monogamy, what cheating is or isn’t as defined by each person, etc etc.  So it’s best to sit down and talk about solid and defined boundaries and expectations

I’ve seen too many times where people cheated, silently faded away because something better popped up, and/or were still on dating apps, etc because they used the lack of clear, defined communication as an excuse and a loophole. “I didn’t know we were exclusive! We never had that talk” as the other party sits there dumbfounded because exclusivity was inferred by the way the two people had been engaging for so long.