My girlfriend makes me feel worthless

[LudwigFromSoft]

Me (21M) and my gilfriend (21F) have been togheter for about a year and a few months. It started off great as any relationship would. We went travelling, staying with each other all the time, playing all sorts of games togheter and having fun. We did have fun. Things then started to go south around last summer when she would just rage for days at me or barelly talked to me for days, to make it clear I was trying my best to be there for her but she just rejected my assistence. Okay, I tried giving her space but that didn't work too. And she was saying that I wasn't giving enough in the relationships, even tho I was 24/7 at her disposal emotionally. I said okay maybe I am really not doing enough, and just threw myself in the relationship and trying my best to please her. Then everything went from bad to worse.

For context I might not have been the best boyfriend to begin with at the start of relationship, as I had a toxic friend group and an adult content addiction. But I tryied my best to challenge those really bad sides of me, and after a while I managed to let go of the toxic friend group and my toxic ex best friend(F). Then I got clean from my addiction for being a better person overall, and being a better person for my girlfriend. And Im really sorry for those things because they did take a toll on her, but I did what I had to do, own up to my mistakes and fix myself.

I changed, I tried to thrive after having a really bad mental episode last summer because of my own past issues. She just ignored me ,while I was just trying to get my pain out, because I was burdening her. I ended up calling suicide hotlines, but no one picked up as in my country those services are rare and already busy. I ended up metting up with a friend in order to not do something bad to myself which I would have most likely regreted. I then tried to forgert this episode, and move on. But she just started to get colder and demanding more and more for me. 

We moved in togheter at the beggining of september. I thought this was going to be it and all of our problems would be fixed because we would get to know each other and also understand ourseleves better.

I was wrong.

The arguments got worse and the coldeness from her was so hard on me that I was starting to get really dissatisfied with my life. Arguments were always about how I couldn't do stuff the way she wanted, act the way she wanted or spend my own earned money the way she wanted, and house chores.

I started my first year in collage at the same period and it went from bad to worse. I had to constantly text her while I was at university, and when one time I didnt reply in a really short timeframe she just accused me on cheating on her bacause thats why I go to that school. She was studying in the same faculty. I never wanted to talk to other girls, and never did. I was just sitting in my bench and listening to tge lectures. After one final argument on this, I ended up not wanting to go to university anymore and my grades were just terrible because of if, and I ended up dropping out.

Then one day I was bringing home groceries. My back broke because of all the heavy products that were in it. I called her to come downstairs and help me with a bag. She ended up coming down but never came to the place I was out because she saw a couple helping me get a new bag for my stuff, and in she said she had only seen the girl. Then she started screaming at me when I got back upstairs that I was cheating on her and who that girl is. I explained the situation to her and she did not believe me for days, making me feel miserable in the process.

Also, another motive for her being completly dismissal of me was because I was smoking, she started to control how many ciggarates I was smoking and day and if I would not stick to her "plan", she would hide them, break them, throw them away or scream at me then not speak to me. This is my only coping mechanism, and I really know its bad for me and its a bad addiction, but I never smoke in the house or near hear because I dont want her to passively smoke and smoking in the house is just a really bad ideea. She would still not care, she almost broke up with me because she said to pick between her and ciggarates, which took me aback and I just said she was controlling. She nearly broke up with me over this because she though I was delusional and I believed her.

I forgot to mention, every littile thing that we had arguments on ended up with her saying she wanted to break up then coming back to me and saying she was sorry.

After we moved in to a new flat she started becoming more and more angry towards me.

She ended up screaming at me one time that I was a "degenerate" that I "dont deserve nothing" and that I was not a man over the dishes because I got home only at 11 pm and coocked for the both of us and she refused to wash them and I could not because I was really tired.

I ended up crying unctrollably and she said she was not going to do this to me anymore while hugging me.

She lied.

She kept on saying worse and worse stuff to me, screaming more often at me and ignoring me when I just didnt say or did whatever she wanted me to do. Then on some days be normal to me and actually showing care.

But it got worse again.

She went to her parents house for a few months in June. I have problems with my colon and recently it flared up really badly, and of course I tried to tell her about this because I wanted to share my pain with my girlfriend. She started arguments for days that I should not tell her that Im in pain because it is tiring for her and I am a man and should just suck it up, that she does not want this in a partener. I am always helping her out no matter the problem, so I started isolating myself and just working and playing video games.

Fast forward to a few days ago, she started talking about a guy she was a collegue with in highshool and saying he was really funny and they had a great time with their friends group. I know she is not cheating or something but I was broken that she was pozitive about a guy she barelly knew while I am being worthless for her.

And today the bomb dropped, over an everyday chore argument, that was out of place bacuse she was not where Im staying anymore.

She said Im immature that I dont do dishes, even tho Im just at doctors appointments and work and Im just exhausted. She said she was not my mom ( I do not know where this was coming from) and I said that in the past if was really tiring for me to work and come back home and cook and also clean, which I know is not an excuse for not cleaning but she was all day at home. I brought it up and she lost it, saying that I am not helping her out financially and she is not supposed to my chores, but the thruth is my pay also went towards the household and doing stuff togheter bacause she did not work and I did not hold up this to her. She blocked me bacause in her opinion I insinuated I was supporting her financially even tho I never asked back for a penny nor pointed out the money I spend on the household or on the realtionship ever. Then I tried to message her on another app and she replied that she wants her deposit for the rent back and never replayed after me asking if she wants to go to therapy togheter. She is playing a videogame by the way during all of this.

And I am so mad and confused, because she dissmess me, berates me and is just being awful to me and I do not know why. I always forgive her, I am always helping her and loving her, and I care for her.

Also, she never enjoyed the fact that I spend my money on nice food or gaming stuff even tho I earn it myself, and calls me a snob and says I am imature and she is not looking for this in a man. Let me makes this clear, I always pay my bills and my debts to the bank on time. I always have money to live but apparently I am not good enough for her because I try to enjoy the stuff I always loved but could not while I was a kid due to financial struggles.

But after all of this I think I still love her and I want to try to fix stuff with her, but is it right ?

Am I at fault for all the stuff she does to me? Is it that bad that I have medical issues she knew about before us dating? Is it that bad that I love video games and food ? Is it that bad that I work ? Because she always complains about that I work too much ( I work for 7 hours daily). Am I that bad ? What is wrong with me ? Does she hate me ? Why is she still with me if all she does is try to make me feel really bad all the time ?

So lastly my two questions are :

What should I do ? and Can I fix this ?

Thank you for listening if you got this far into this wall of texts, I am so sorry for any spelling mistakes and formatting issues but I hope it is readable enough because Im a mess right now.

 

[lostandhurt]

You need to distance yourself from anyone that drags you down and makes you feel worthless.

Read your own words.  There is no pleasing her no matter what you do.  I am sorry but it is time for you to end the relationship before it does more damage to you.

Being single and alone is way better than this.  Once you have been single for a while and get your feet back under you it will feel so much better.  In time you will see just how toxic she was to your own mental health.

You need to save yourself and dump her.

 Lost

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, LudwigFromSoft said:

What should I do ? 

Sorry this is happening. Where did you live before? Do you have friends and family nearby? Try to move out as soon as possible. Unfortunately you're in an abusive relationship. Go to a doctor and please get help with your suicidal ideation. You can list all the horrible stuff she does, but the situation is toxic and you need to find support and a place to live and get out.

[LudwigFromSoft]

Hi, thanks for the advice. I know I should leave because this is really bad on my health overall, but I am scared on what to do next because my whole life revolves around her. As of now Im not in my native town and I live in the appartament me and her share, but right now she is not in town. I do not have friends anymore, but I have some nice work collagues. I will seek theraphy and hope it falls under my medical coverage. The rent contract has only my name on it, and most likely she will move out if we break out. No one of my relatives nor collagues know about this situation because Im afraid to tell and talk to them about it because I dont want to be judged or escalate this situation. Thank you for your concern. I just feel like Im crazy for even posting because this is what I am used to. Again thank you both for your advice and support.

[Cherylyn]

No,  you can't fix this.  It's time to go your separate ways. 

[MissCanuck]

What's it going to take for you to realize that this relationship has zero chance of working out? 

 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, LudwigFromSoft said:

What should I do ? and Can I fix this ?

 

Dump her like yesterday.

Your girlfriend doesnt appreciate you. And is even abusive toward you. There is no "fix" for that, especially because it seems that she was like that from the start. Only "fix" for you is to dump her and live your life without that much toxicity. You only replaced toxic friends for toxic girlfriend. That means you still have a lot of work on yourself. And the first step in that is to get rid of ungrateful toxic lump you call a girlfriend. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, LudwigFromSoft said:

. The rent contract has only my name on it, and most likely she will move out if we break out. No one of my relatives nor collagues know about this situation because Im afraid to tell and talk to them about it because I dont want to be judged or escalate 

Please talk frankly to trusted friends, family and coworkers. Enlist their help and support in extricating yourself from an abusive relationship. 

[catfeeder]

It's not the GF who makes you feel worthless, more accurately, you are only with this GF because you feel worthless.

It's worth the leap of faith to learn how much better you can feel after ditching her.

[shouldhavelearned]

Maybe she wanted to break up and just felt acting mean would make you pull the plug and not her

 

Be strong and get out

[LudwigFromSoft]

Hi I want to add a quick update for you all.

First, I want to say that I thank you for you advice and support and most importanly empathy.

I just got off work, and she still did not unblock me and did not answer to my question if she wants to try couple therapy. I guess we broke up but I can not process it and I know for a fact that she will apologise or try to get back at me soon, and this thought completly destroys me.

Tommorow morning I will try to start therapy as soon as posible in order to actually process everything that is happening, I feel empy and lost and I still have not told anyone close to me about this situation because Im scared to do so, I even feel guilty for starting this thread. It all hurts so much, looking at pictures of us of her stuff that is in my appartement. I really do not know how to cope with this. Im seeking therapy because my dark thoughts are also coming back but I can hold them back for now.

Thank you for your replies, and I will update you on this if something new arises. I am still open to any advice.

Thank you so much again.

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, LudwigFromSoft said:

Hi I want to add a quick update for you all.

First, I want to say that I thank you for you advice and support and most importanly empathy.

I just got off work, and she still did not unblock me and did not answer to my question if she wants to try couple therapy. I guess we broke up but I can not process it and I know for a fact that she will apologise or try to get back at me soon, and this thought completly destroys me.

Tommorow morning I will try to start therapy as soon as posible in order to actually process everything that is happening, I feel empy and lost and I still have not told anyone close to me about this situation because Im scared to do so, I even feel guilty for starting this thread. It all hurts so much, looking at pictures of us of her stuff that is in my appartement. I really do not know how to cope with this. Im seeking therapy because my dark thoughts are also coming back but I can hold them back for now.

Thank you for your replies, and I will update you on this if something new arises. I am still open to any advice.

Thank you so much again.

I'm sorry you're going through this @LudwigFromSoft.  Don't let other people destroy you.  Be good and kind to yourself. 

Sure,  there are good times,  good memories,  photos of when all was merry,  perhaps gifts,  dining out and the like but it will never compensate nor cancel out bad energy in the relationship.  You can't forget it and you'll never ignore it in your mind.  It's here to stay as long as you either have a dysfunctional or toxic person in your life or as long as you allow that person to have an incessant grip on your life. 

You cope with professional therapy (hopefully the therapist is a great one) and by improving your lot in life.  Take good care of your physical and mental health because no one will do it for you.  Divert your focus on hard work,  being productive and industrious.  There is truth to the "get a life" mantra.  Instead of dwelling on those who've wronged you sorely,  concentrate on yourself and do what makes you feel content.  Some people will not make you whole.  Keep moving forward in a positive direction in order to heal and recover.  You can do this!  👍 🙂  All is not doom and gloom!

[SooSad33]

22 hours ago, LudwigFromSoft said:

I forgot to mention, every littile thing that we had arguments on ended up with her saying she wanted to break up then coming back to me and saying she was sorry.

She IS a toxic person for you 😕 .  She's mentally abusive & controlling!  

No you cannot 'fix' this.  Sadly, you had to learn the hard way re: moving in with her, that it did not make a difference!

Now, you get out of this with her.  Can you go stay with a friend or parents? ( not sure where you moved from)?  Either way, you're good for reaching out and to try & understand this situation and avoid being trauma bonded.  Good for you 😉 .

Yes, get out of this and let her go bish at someone else. Fps 😕 

[catfeeder]

A breakup is nothing to be ashamed of, people do it every day.

I'd surround myself with family and people who love me. Tell them that you're not of the mind to discuss details at this time, you'd just appreciate some support.

Life is tough enough without self-imposing shame. Be kind to yourself, and allow this to be your compass.

[Cherylyn]

In your lifetime,  you will constantly weed out the bad apples.  Most people do.  Get rid of rotten apples or people from your life,  eliminate them completely and shop around for the best people who deserve to be with you.  Any other way is a no go. 😒

[MrMan1983]

For whatever reasons she simply does not respect you, and doesn't sound like she ever will. Unfortunately this is a no win situation, you're a very young guy so I would get rid and move on with your life as best as possible. The relationship and her sound utterly toxic. Also no amount of trying hard or doing what she wants is going to garner that respect, quite the opposite.

Enjoy being a young guy, hobbies, fitness goals, bettering yourself mentally have some important you time and enjoy life till you meet someone where you deserve each other. Also learn from any mistakes from this situation, it will all improve you in your very long future (wish I was 21 again 😆).

[lostandhurt]

You may think your life revolves around her but it doesn't.  She has manipulated you for so long you think this is the way it is but in reality once you are away from her for a while you will feel much better.

Think of her like a drug and you are an addict.  The addict thinks they cannot live without the drug because when they are not high they start to feel sick so they get high again and again until one day they hit rock bottom.  You are way stronger than you give yourself credit for and remember this:  You were fine before you met her so you will be just fine after she is out of your life.

  Find something to occupy your thoughts as you detox from her.  Go for walks, work out, ride your bike but do something other than sit around feeling bad.  It will take time to get her out of your system so stay strong and start building yourself back up.

 Lost

[Cherylyn]

I've discovered that many people weigh far more importance on others instead of themselves.  It's ironic that those whom we think of a lot,  really don't invest the same time and energy into you so return the favor by focusing on yourself.  Do what makes you happy whether it's your job,  taking care of your family or household,  pets if you have any,  tend to your physical and mental health for overall well being.  Take it a step further if you can immerse yourself into hobbies,  special interests,  outings and surround yourself with very moral people as positive influences and role models.  Be more individualistic and independent minded.  This will elevate your self esteem,  self confidence and self worth.  It works wonders.  🤗  👍

[smackie9]

On 9/2/2023 at 4:00 PM, LudwigFromSoft said:

 scared on what to do next because my whole life revolves around her. 

This is called codependency and this is why you are in your predicament. Read up on it, maybe seek out some help to address this.