He said he wasn't looking for a hookup, I don't understand what he meant by this

[Venice]

14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I know everyone looks at people's social media these days so I don't think it's that unusual that you're doing it. I agree with some other posters though that it's not really any of your business who he follows on social media etc.

Also you seem to have come to the conclusion that just because he follows models on social media, that he's sleeping with other people. Yes he likes looking at attractive women just like most men do. I don't think it necessarily means he's having sex with anyone else. I mean, these are models and not actual women he knows, right? I don't think that looking at social media is likely to tell you if he's sleeping with anyone. People don't usually write about that on social media. The only way you can know is if you actually ask him directly. 

If you had an agreement that you're not sleeping with other people, then technically the only thing you have to tell each other if you want to sleep/have slept with someone else. Usually FWB have no obligation to tell each other if they're talking to or going on dates with others. It's not really their business who the other person follows on social media or who they interact with.

So if you're going to get technical, talking to people on dating apps or going on dates isn't having sex with others so you don't have to mention it. If you want to be honest though then you could tell him. But I don't think you HAVE to.

 

Yeah, but he's following models on social media. Yet he's telling me he doesn't like to share? I guess I don't really understand that part. If he can look at other women while having sex with me. Then why can't I have sex with (if I wanted to) other men? When he's looking at the models he's lusting and thinking about sex with them. So really whats the difference? 

It's also kind of odd that he would even bother to have sex with a woman who looks like me. When the woman he's looking at looks nothing like me. I'm not telling him anything about what I do with other men. Because he's lusting after others. So how he feels about what I do with other men is irrelevant. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Venice said:

Yeah, but he's following models on social media. Yet he's telling me he doesn't like to share? I guess I don't really understand that part. If he can look at other women while having sex with me. Then why can't I have sex with (if I wanted to) other men? When he's looking at the models he's lusting and thinking about sex with them. So really whats the difference? 

It's also kind of odd that he would even bother to have sex with a woman who looks like me. When the woman he's looking at looks nothing like me. I'm not telling him anything about what I do with other men. Because he's lusting after others. So how he feels about what I do with other men is irrelevant. 

Probably because he wants to avoid STDs

[Venice]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he fulfills your needs, why do you have to supplement it? Who says you can't date? You could attempt it, but it's doubtful men are lining up to entertain you and buy you dinner when you're not interested in them or sex. Does your FWB find you attractive? You seem insecure about him.

If he fulfills my needs why do I have to supplement it? The same reason why he has to look at naked models on social media. He said he wouldn't have sex with a woman he's not attracted to. But I don't really think I believe him. If he liked women like me he'd be looking at them on social media too. And not just skinny chicks. So yeah this is all the more reason why I get what I want from him sexually. While dating other men without him needing to know. Because he's not being upfront and honest with me.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Venice said:

If he fulfills my needs why do I have to supplement it? The same reason why he has to look at naked models on social media. He said he wouldn't have sex with a woman he's not attracted to. But I don't really think I believe him. If he liked women like me he'd be looking at them on social media too. And not just skinny chicks. So yeah this is all the more reason why I get what I want from him sexually. While dating other men without him needing to know. Because he's not being upfront and honest with me.

Yes he is being honest with you because your arrangement was that you don't have sex with other people. Looking at photos of women is not having sex with them so he's not lying to you about anything. There is actually a big difference between having physical sex and just looking at women.

He's allowed to lust after whoever he wants and he's also allowed to talk to other women or even go on dates with other women.

You say you don't want a relationship and just want FWB but I don't think you really understand what FWB is? FWB means no commitment or obligation between two people. They can have an agreement like for example what you have not to have sex with others or to tell if you have sex with others. He isn't necessarily having sex with anyone else just because he follows models on social media. So if he's not having sex with others then he's honouring your agreement. Beyond that he actually doesn't owe you anything at all. He could follow 20, 000 models on social media if he wanted to because he's a free single man.

Also he can look at or follow any women he wants and he is not obliged to only look at women who look like you. He can do literally whatever he wants as long as he's not sleeping with other people.

[Venice]

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yes he is being honest with you because your arrangement was that you don't have sex with other people. Looking at photos of women is not having sex with them so he's not lying to you about anything. There is actually a big difference between having physical sex and just looking at women.

He's allowed to lust after whoever he wants and he's also allowed to talk to other women or even go on dates with other women.

You say you don't want a relationship and just want FWB but I don't think you really understand what FWB is? FWB means no commitment or obligation between two people. They can have an agreement like for example what you have not to have sex with others or to tell if you have sex with others. He isn't necessarily having sex with anyone else just because he follows models on social media. So if he's not having sex with others then he's honouring your agreement. Beyond that he actually doesn't owe you anything at all. He could follow 20, 000 models on social media if he wanted to because he's a free single man.

Also he can look at or follow any women he wants and he is not obliged to only look at women who look like you. He can do literally whatever he wants as long as he's not sleeping with other people.

Yeah, and I'm allowed to lust after and go out with other men. Therefore he shouldn't me telling me about how he doesn't like to share. Because I'm not his girlfriend I know what FWB. He's the one telling me how he doesn't like sharing because he's insecure not me. Why should I care about him being insecure? 

FWB isn't monogamous you're allowed to sleep with who you want. He can't tell me what to do if he's doing what he's doing. Like how can he expect me not to be involved with other men? When he's lusting after other women that's a joke. 

If he doesn't want to share then he should be in a relationship and not fwb. The real question is why is he even having sex with me when he's not attracted to me? 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Venice said:

Yeah, and I'm allowed to lust after and go out with other men. Therefore he shouldn't be telling me about how he doesn't like to share. Because I'm not his girlfriend I know what FWB. He's the one telling me how he doesn't like sharing because he's insecure not me.

FWB isn't monogamous you're allowed to sleep with who you want. He can't tell me what to do if he's doing what he's doing. Like how can he expect me not to be involved with other men? When he's lusting after other women that's a joke. 

If he doesn't want to share then he should be in a relationship and not fwb. 

Well you actually could bring that up to him? You are allowed to ask to change the rules of your FWB arrangement. You could say that you want to start using dating apps and potentially you'll meet men there. If he doesn't like it then you can also end the FWB. In all honesty if you just want FWB, you can get that very easily as a woman. You can find other guys and you can set what expectations you have right from the start. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Venice said:

FWB isn't monogamous you're allowed to sleep with who you want.

That's your definition of "friends with benefits" and you're not close friends with "benefits" -you like sex, he likes sex and you like having sex with each other.  Two consenting adults get to have their boundaries when it comes to sex -if you don't like his find some other guy to have sex with - he wants sexual monogamy -he doesn't care if you hook up with other guys or date other men or feel romantically attracted - he just doesn't want you to have intercourse or perhaps oral sex with another man.  There is no definition of "FWB" except what it isn't -it isn't a committed romantic relationship that includes caring about each other and wanting to grow to learn more about each other in a steady or regular dating relationship -the focus is having intercourse when you're horny.  

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Venice said:

.The real question is why is he even having sex with me when he's not attracted to me? 

Have you asked him?

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Venice said:

 If he liked women like me he'd be looking at them on social media too. And not just skinny chicks. 

You can follow skinny men on social media if you want. Because your plan of using dating apps to try to get men to buy you 6 dinners a week seems unreasonable. You stated you don't want sex with them, just free meals and entertainment. Can't your FWB pick up a pizza or something when you visit him? It seems like your home life is chaotic. 

[shouldhavelearned]

You're trying to get the best of everything 

[Venice]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That's your definition of "friends with benefits" and you're not close friends with "benefits" -you like sex, he likes sex and you like having sex with each other.  Two consenting adults get to have their boundaries when it comes to sex -if you don't like his find some other guy to have sex with - he wants sexual monogamy -he doesn't care if you hook up with other guys or date other men or feel romantically attracted - he just doesn't want you to have intercourse or perhaps oral sex with another man.  There is no definition of "FWB" except what it isn't -it isn't a committed romantic relationship that includes caring about each other and wanting to grow to learn more about each other in a steady or regular dating relationship -the focus is having intercourse when you're horny.  

It’s not only my definition look up fwb and monogamy. It isn’t a caring relationship about each other and wanting to grow a learn about each other. What is a friend to you then? You don’t care about your friends? I guess he better stop telling me personal things then.

It’s not about not catching an STD. He said the reason why he doesn’t want to share. Could be because he’s insecure. That has nothing to do with an STD. 
Those models he loves so much probably sleeps around so yeah. 
 

It’s ok though because I’m going to ask him why he’s even sleeping with me. When clearly I’m not even his type. I’ll do whatever I want with other men. And if he doesn’t like it then it’s his problem. If he wants to tell someone what to do. Then he needs to be in a relationship. Being monogamous is when you’re not seeing anyone else. 
 

If we were actually dating then yeah I can understand why he would want to be monogamous but we aren’t. 

[Venice]

1 hour ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You're trying to get the best of everything 

Because I’m having sex with a guy with a guy and I want to go out with others? I don’t see the issue with that. I’m single I can do what I want. He’s getting the best out of everything. He gets to have sex with someone he’s not even attracted to. While getting to lust after chicks he’s really into. All the while he doesn’t want to share.  That’s not fair to me and I’m not going to listen to him. I’ll do what I want just like how he’s doing whatever he wants while he’s following all these model chicks. 
 

He wants sexual monogamy yet he’s lusting after other women not going to happen with me. No way.

[catfeeder]

Since there is no official rulebook for FWB's, each pair gets to negotiate their own rules, and the 'friends' part of 'FWB' means that you trust one another to abide by your agreement. So you both agreed to 'seeing' one another exclusively, and for my own ethical clarity, I'd ask FWB to confirm that this is limited to exclusive sex with one another while having nothing to do with pursuing non-sexual dates with other people.

If he doesn't agree, you'll need to renegotiate your agreement. If he won't do that, you'll need to stop seeing him if you want to date others.

If he agrees that dating others IS on the table, then my own ethics would need to spell out for each potential date what that means for me. 

I'm not clear from your posts what this would mean for you. Sleeping with new dates would make no sense without changing your agreement with the FWB. It's not about 'permission,' it's about trusting one another to keep your bodies safe for one another.

If you don't want to do that anymore, then you owe it to your FWB to let him know.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Venice said:

Because I’m having sex with a guy with a guy and I want to go out with others? I don’t see the issue with that. I’m single I can do what I want. He’s getting the best out of everything. He gets to have sex with someone he’s not even attracted to. While getting to lust after chicks he’s really into. All the while he doesn’t want to share.  That’s not fair to me and I’m not going to listen to him. I’ll do what I want just like how he’s doing whatever he wants while he’s following all these model chicks. 
 

He wants sexual monogamy yet he’s lusting after other women not going to happen with me. No way.

You actually sound jealous. Yes you can do what you like with other guys. But if you had an agreement that you would only sleep with each other then you just need to let him know that you want to change it. If he's happy to change it then everything is fine. If he's not happy then you can end the FWB and get a different FWB or date other guys or do whatever you like. 

To me looking at models who are just random Instagram models isn't the same as actually dating or sleeping with other people. It's not breaking your agreement because he's not sleeping with anyone else and he doesn't even know them. I don't really understand your preoccupation with him looking at these models. You actually sound jealous and insecure yourself. You made pure assumptions that he's not attracted to you. He might actually find different types of people attractive. Maybe his "ideal" is skinny women but that doesn't mean that he's not attracted to any other body type at all.

Also you are saying FWB is just sex so why are you so fixated if he's attracted to you or not? He's attracted to you enough to have sex with you. So if you just want sex - you are getting that.

To me it doesn't actually sound like you want just sex. You also want to know everything about what he's doing, who he's following on social media, why he likes skinny women, etc. That's not just sex because you're over analysing everything about this guy. If you just wanted sex then you'd have sex and not worry about everything else you're worrying about.

[Capricorn3]

6 hours ago, Venice said:

 The real question is why is he even having sex with me when he's not attracted to me? 

Did he tell you this?  He's attracted enough to have sex.  Just because you may not look like the models he looks at online, doesn't mean he won't have sex with you.  After all, if it's free and easy and no strings etc, no doubt most men would take what they can get.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Venice said:

He said he doesn't socialize or go out and that he doesn't have time to date because he's busy. (He's an electrician).

Well, that's a new one. I hope you don't buy that. Electricians have time to date, and some even get married! He's making excuses if he's citing his job as the reason he's just so busy.

Look, I don't really get what you want. You say you feel "safe" with him but at the same time, you also sound quite insecure that he's lusting after models. Which is it? 

It sounds to me like you do actually want a relationship (not necessarily with him), but your defense mechanism kicks in so you say absurd things like most men lie and cheat anyway (not true) and that you have more important things to do (yet you go on dating apps because you're bored)

It's time to get real with yourself. What is really going on here? Why are you questioning his attraction to you? The fact you mention models makes me think you are not feeling good about yourself and it hurts you to think he might not want a relationship with you because of some physical preference. 

[Kwothe28]

13 hours ago, Venice said:

I haven't been out on any dates but I've been talking to other men. And some have asked me out on dates. (I don't want to sleep with them but I would like to go out with them). If I decide to do this do I have to tell the fwb?

Techically you arent in a relationship. So you dont have any obligation toward him. However if he doesnt like to share I dont think he would look at you dating other people favorably. 

Some people satisfy with what they have. Meaning that if he doesnt have a time for dating, and you provide him sex, that is what satisfies him enough not to go around dating apps and looking for more. If you want for more then that, even if that more is just other men buying you dinners, you are free to look for that. However I dont think its fair to people who would buy you that dinners nore maybe even to him to do that. You are not looking for a relationship or even sex(since you are getting it from this guy) so its questionable why even go out on dates with somebody on dating app who would probably look for one or the other. And the guy doesnt like to share so he would most likely cancel your deal when he finds out you are going out with other people. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Venice said:

He wants sexual monogamy yet he’s lusting after other women not going to happen with me. 

He is sexually monogamous with you. Unfortunately you're just hurt and furious that you scan his social media and see that he masturbates to different types of women.  At the same time you say you're comfortable with the arrangement. 

Because he looks at slender women on social media you want revenge and want to trawl dating apps for food and entertainment? Please think about how secure you are as a person and how secure this situationship makes you feel.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Venice said:

It’s not only my definition look up fwb and monogamy. It isn’t a caring relationship about each other and wanting to grow a learn about each other. What is a friend to you then? You don’t care about your friends? I guess he better stop telling me personal things then.

It’s not about not catching an STD. He said the reason why he doesn’t want to share. Could be because he’s insecure. That has nothing to do with an STD. 
Those models he loves so much probably sleeps around so yeah. 
 

It’s ok though because I’m going to ask him why he’s even sleeping with me. When clearly I’m not even his type. I’ll do whatever I want with other men. And if he doesn’t like it then it’s his problem. If he wants to tell someone what to do. Then he needs to be in a relationship. Being monogamous is when you’re not seeing anyone else. 
 

If we were actually dating then yeah I can understand why he would want to be monogamous but we aren’t. 

You have no idea what he is really thinking or feeling and he might not either.  He might be insecure just like you -obviously you're telling yourself lies about how most men cheat -to avoi being vulnerable -cause you're scared! Monogamy has a definition. 

FWB is a silly euphemism. Some very close friends decide that they feel like also having sex -that's not "FWB" - "benefits" doesn't mean intercourse (which you can look up if you like) -it;s a silly acronym/euphemism often women like you use to be all coy and distract themselves from being one step away from a paid escort.  Close friends who are single and decide they don't want to be in a committed relationship or even date but it's fun to have intercourse in addition to meeting up for activities - sure that can work with two consenting adults. 

You two were not close friends first -and you can't be -how could you care about him when you have such disdain for "men"with your negative generalizations.

He might be a friend to you but sounds like the main focus of your interactions is meeting up for sex.  If you called him to go to a museum to see an exhibit then grab ice cream after and walk in the park -no sexual contact- or if you had an important interview and asked him to meet you after for dinner to debrief/relax/unwind/chat - no sexual contact -would he make the time? Like - make it a real priority to make time for you?

Someone who meets up for sex might also care for you but not in the way people in a committed relationship do -then the caring is also about growing as a couple, investing in the future and I do not mean financially.

(I'll add that from 1980-2005 when I was dating it was much easier to be slim than overweight -for a woman -and where I did all of my dating -a major city -most men I knew preferred women who were fit and slim as opposed to overweight especially if very overweight/not fit -maybe it's changed but I haven't seen it change much -is it fair -no - overweight women like thin women can be extremely attractive, healthy and fit).

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Venice said:

He wants sexual monogamy yet he’s lusting after other women not going to happen with me. No way.

Do you equate looking at other women to being sexually non-monogamous? 

11 hours ago, Venice said:

he's following models on social media. Yet he's telling me he doesn't like to share? I guess I don't really understand that part.

That's because you seem to have a strange definition of "sharing." My guess is that he means he doesn't want you having sex with other men. Looking at models online doesn't mean he is having sex with other women. 

Or are you hurt that he's aroused by anyone but you? You're not making much sense, frankly. 

[Venice]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you equate looking at other women to being sexually non-monogamous? 

That's because you seem to have a strange definition of "sharing." My guess is that he means he doesn't want you having sex with other men. Looking at models online doesn't mean he is having sex with other women. 

Or are you hurt that he's aroused by anyone but you? You're not making much sense, frankly. 

He's the one who is insecure and thinks I lie about having an orgasm with him. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Venice said:

He's the one who is insecure and thinks I lie about having an orgasm with him. 

So if you think this way about him why bother? How is he your "safe space" if he can't trust what you say and why talk about whether you had an orgasm -if he asks you simply say -yes and assume I am satisfied and if I want something differently I'll let you know, ok? Then get back to the purpose of being with him -fun/cuddles/sex.

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Venice said:

He's the one who is insecure and thinks I lie about having an orgasm with him. 

Your insecurity is evident too, though. 

How about these questions:

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You say you feel "safe" with him but at the same time, you also sound quite insecure that he's lusting after models. Which is it? 

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you equate looking at other women to being sexually non-monogamous?

 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Venice said:

 thinks I lie about having an orgasm with him. 

Unfortunately you seem to think he lies about a lot of things like being attracted to you and your sexual response. Sadly you claim to be comfortable and happy with him but at the same time seem unsure of whatever your relationship is and if he's just "settling" for you.  Why won't he take you on dates or treat you better? 

[HeartGoesOn]

14 hours ago, Venice said:

If he doesn't want to share then he should be in a relationship and not fwb. The real question is why is he even having sex with me when he's not attracted to me? 

The simple answer is "because he can" along with offers of these arrangements being a dime a dozen.  He has nothing to lose, and most likely views this as a body to bang.  

Keep in mind that as opposed to FWB's,  it takes more than sex to form a true relationship.  At any rate you'll get much more bang for your buck (no pun intended) if you present yourself as relationship material.