He said he wasn't looking for a hookup, I don't understand what he meant by this

[Venice]

I've been seeing this guy for a year now we are fwb. When we first met he told me he doesn't like having more than one partner at a time. And I told him I didn't either.

Recently he told me he doesn't like to share. I don't know if he meant that he doesn't like to share sexual partners or if it's only when he's in a relationship. He said he doesn't know why and maybe it's because he is insecure.

I asked him if he was just looking for a hookup on the dating site. And he said he wasn't and that he was looking for someone. But that he's not on there anymore. Well, this doesn't make any sense to me because this is what we've been doing "hooking up"

He said he doesn't socialize or go out and that he doesn't have time to date because he's busy. (He's an electrician).

I see where he follows relationship coaches on social media. Which again makes no sense because he says he doesn't socialize. 

I haven't been out on any dates but I've been talking to other men. And some have asked me out on dates. (I don't want to sleep with them but I would like to go out with them). If I decide to do this do I have to tell the fwb?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Venice said:

 I don't want to sleep with them but I would like to go out with them. If I decide to do this do I have to tell the fwb?

The purpose of FWB is no strings sex. However you two decided to be sexually exclusive. Reflect if you are happy and if you are developing feelings. Because it seems like you're not too satisfied with the situation.

FWB are usually a short term scratch an itch situation that eventually ends. Sometimes not on good terms, with one partner wanting more or the other wanting less.

If you are on dating apps, why bother with keeping a FWB hanging around? It certainly will ruin your chances of successful dating if you tell guys "yeah, just take me on dates, I'm having sex with someone else".

Try to focus on what you actually want from a situation. 

[Venice]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

The purpose of FWB is no strings sex. However you two decided to be sexually exclusive. Reflect if you are happy and if you are developing feelings. Because it seems like you're not too satisfied with the situation.

FWB are usually a short term scratch an itch situation that eventually ends. Sometimes not on good terms, with one partner wanting more or the other wanting less.

If you are on dating apps, why bother with keeping a FWB hanging around? It certainly will ruin your chances of successful dating if you tell guys "yeah, just take me on dates, I'm having sex with someone else".

Try to focus on what you actually want from a situation. 

Some people have said that they have been fwb for years. So sometimes it's not always short term that's just a stereotype that most people use.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Venice said:

Some people have said that they have been fwb for years. 

Why are you on dating apps if you are satisfied with the situation? 

[Venice]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you on dating apps if you are satisfied with the situation? 

It's not really about being satisfied I like talking to people I get bored easily. 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Venice said:

He said he doesn't socialize or go out and that he doesn't have time to date because he's busy. (He's an electrician).

If you want to use dating apps to alleviate boredom and have no interest other than just talking or going on dates, unfortunately men may get bored quickly if they notice you're not interested in dating.. Please don't use other people to compensate for your FWB lack of interest in taking you out. Try to figure out your situation.

[Venice]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want to use dating apps to alleviate boredom and have no interest other than just talking or going on dates, unfortunately men may get bored quickly if they notice you're not interested in dating.. Please don't use other people to compensate for your FWB lack of interest in taking you out. Try to figure out your situation.

I don't mind that he doesn't want to go out I like being at his house with him that's not the issue. But that doesn't mean I can't go out on dates with other men. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Venice said:

 that doesn't mean I can't go out on dates with other men. 

It's not really a matter if you're "allowed" to date others. It's a matter of trying to find men interested in entertaining you while you have sex with someone else. 

[Venice]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not really a matter if you're "allowed" to date others. It's a matter of trying to find men interested in entertaining you while you have sex with someone else. 

What's wrong with that? There was a woman who went on six dates a week. So she didn't have to buy groceries. 

https://nypost.com/2023/01/23/i-went-on-six-dates-a-week-and-didnt-have-to-buy-groceries-for-2-years/amp/?utm_source=reddit.com

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Venice said:

Some people have said that they have been fwb for years. So sometimes it's not always short term that's just a stereotype that most people use.

Why are you on dating apps though?   Oh nevermind, I just read why.  You're bored.  That's kind of odd though.  I mean why not do something actually stimulating  to alleviate your boredom like take a class, read a book, hang around with actual friends, go on a drive, take a hike, make a cake?  

Anyway, just tell the guy you aren't interested in being exclusive sexually, if that's the case.  If it's not the case, carry on.

But why are you stalking him?  Why is it your business who he follows on social media?

[Venice]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Why are you on dating apps though?   Oh nevermind, I just read why.  You're bored.  That's kind of odd though.  I mean why not do something actually stimulating  to alleviate your boredom like take a class, read a book, hang around with actual friends, go on a drive, take a hike, make a cake?  

Anyway, just tell the guy you aren't interested in being exclusive sexually, if that's the case.  If it's not the case, carry on.

But why are you stalking him?  Why is it your business who he follows on social media?

Why am I stalking him? That's not stalking I look at every guy's social media that I'm involved with. Because people are crazy nowadays. And it's my business because we are having sex. And he's telling me he doesn't like having multiple sexual partners at once. So I want to know what he's up to.

[Jaunty]

3 minutes ago, Venice said:

Why am I stalking him? 

That's what I am asking.  You're supposedly in a "hook-up" agreement.  What he does outside of that is not your business.  Of course it's publicly available info so you can certainly find it.  It's your motivation to do it that I'm questioning.  

Following "relationship coaches" doesn't indicate that he's having sex with more people than you.  Maybe he wants to learn how to have a good relationship with a woman when he's ready for that and when he meets someone who he's interested in that way.

If you don't believe that he's maintaining the exclusivity agreement you have together, why are you continuing to see him?  

[Venice]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

That's what I am asking.  You're supposedly in a "hook-up" agreement.  What he does outside of that is not your business.  Of course it's publicly available info so you can certainly find it.  It's your motivation to do it that I'm questioning.  

If you don't believe that he's maintaining the exclusivity agreement you have together, why are you continuing to see him?  

If we have an exclusive agreement not to have sex with others. Then why isn't what he does outside of that not my business? It's my business to know if he's having sex with other women if we are supposed to be exclusive. 

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Venice said:

If we have an exclusive agreement not to have sex with others. Then why isn't what he does outside of that not my business? It's my business to know if he's having sex with other women if we are supposed to be exclusive. 

So stalking him is appropriate, in your unusual view of reality?  Like wasting people's time on dating apps because you are so bored is appropriate?

Just dump the guy and get on with dating and having sex with 6 guys per week, since this seems to have impressed you.  And it's less boring than trolling dating apps.  

 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Venice said:

 There was a woman who went on six dates a week. So she didn't have to buy groceries.

It you can't afford groceries, can your FWB help you with that?

[Venice]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

So stalking him is appropriate, in your unusual view of reality?  Like wasting people's time on dating apps because you are so bored is appropriate?

Just dump the guy and get on with dating and having sex with 6 guys per week, since this seems to have impressed you.  And it's less boring than trolling dating apps.  

 

If a man I am having sex with tells me he doesn't like having multiple sex partners. Of course, I'm going to check and see what he's up to. I also see where he follows models on social media. So that's all the more reason why I can do whatever I want with other men. Since he's doing whatever he wants. If I wasn't looking at his social media I wouldn't know he's been following half-naked models. 

Have sex with 6 guys per week? Who said anything about having sex? I mentioned that I don't have sex with multiple men at once. I posted an article that said a woman went on 6 dates per week. It didn't say anything about her having sex. You're basically just trolling now. 

[lostandhurt]

So you are on a "Dating App" to alleviate boredom but the men you will be going on dates with are on there to meet someone interested in more than keeping you entertained.  Using others to cover up or distract yourself from your own problems is wrong and hurtful.  Why would you want to do that?  Just because other women do it?  Other women do all kinds of stuff but it doesn't make it okay.

   Why don't you want a real relationship?  You know one where you go on dates, care for each other, are intimate, share your lives and maybe even build a life together.  Seems silly to use one man for sex and other men for dates.

Lost

[Venice]

48 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

So you are on a "Dating App" to alleviate boredom but the men you will be going on dates with are on there to meet someone interested in more than keeping you entertained.  Using others to cover up or distract yourself from your own problems is wrong and hurtful.  Why would you want to do that?  Just because other women do it?  Other women do all kinds of stuff but it doesn't make it okay.

   Why don't you want a real relationship?  You know one where you go on dates, care for each other, are intimate, share your lives and maybe even build a life together.  Seems silly to use one man for sex and other men for dates.

Lost

Why don't I want a real relationship? Because I don't feel like putting the energy into a relationship. I have more important things to worry about. And most men lie and cheat anyway. But that doesn't mean I don't want to have fun. Besides 99% of the men on those apps only want sex anyway. And they pretend they want a relationship when they really don't. 

One man said he was attracted to me but I looked at his FB profile and I saw the type of women he was really attracted to. Which looked nothing like me. So I know he's just wanting to have sex with me. All of the pages he follows are of skinny chicks. All the pictures he's in are with skinny women. 

[Jaunty]

9 minutes ago, Venice said:

Why don't I want a real relationship? Because I don't feel like putting the energy into a relationship. I have more important things to worry about.

You do?  Then why are you so bored that you are resorting to wasting peoples' time on dating apps to entertain yourself?  And spending your spare time stalking this FWB or whatever he is?  Why don't you just communicate with him like a highly functioning adult - and if you don't trust him, cut the BS and move on?  You can certainly find casual sex opportunities easily elsewhere regardless of any issues you may have.  

Good luck with all of it.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Venice said:

Why don't I want a real relationship? Because I don't feel like putting the energy into a relationship. I have more important things to worry about. And most men lie and cheat anyway. But that doesn't mean I don't want to have fun. Besides 99% of the men on those apps only want sex anyway. And they pretend they want a relationship when they really don't. 

One man said he was attracted to me but I looked at his FB profile and I saw the type of women he was really attracted to. Which looked nothing like me. So I know he's just wanting to have sex with me. All of the pages he follows are of skinny chicks. All the pictures he's in are with skinny women. 

I'd find ways to have fun without having risky sex like this. Imagine -you have such disdain for men in general -imagine if he was your baby daddy- and you gave birth to a boy!

[Venice]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd find ways to have fun without having risky sex like this. Imagine -you have such disdain for men in general -imagine if he was your baby daddy- and you gave birth to a boy!

What is risky sex? I'm only having sex with one guy. 

[Venice]

The guy that I'm fwb is my safe place I feel safe with him. I like how I feel when I'm with him. It feels comfortable to go to his place watch movies, eat, and sometimes cuddle. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to or go on dates with other men for fun. (Not actually have sex with them)

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Venice said:

The guy that I'm fwb is my safe place I feel safe with him. I like how I feel when I'm with him. It feels comfortable to go to his place watch movies, eat, and sometimes cuddle. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to or go on dates with other men for fun. (Not actually have sex with them)

You two weren't friends first or close friends right? So if you like sex so much for fun call it what it is -it's a sexual arrangement.   Even if you were in a committed relationship you could talk to other men right?  I agree to be sexually monogamous to avoid the spread of STDs- that won't feel so safe.

[Tinydance]

I know everyone looks at people's social media these days so I don't think it's that unusual that you're doing it. I agree with some other posters though that it's not really any of your business who he follows on social media etc.

Also you seem to have come to the conclusion that just because he follows models on social media, that he's sleeping with other people. Yes he likes looking at attractive women just like most men do. I don't think it necessarily means he's having sex with anyone else. I mean, these are models and not actual women he knows, right? I don't think that looking at social media is likely to tell you if he's sleeping with anyone. People don't usually write about that on social media. The only way you can know is if you actually ask him directly. 

If you had an agreement that you're not sleeping with other people, then technically the only thing you have to tell each other if you want to sleep/have slept with someone else. Usually FWB have no obligation to tell each other if they're talking to or going on dates with others. It's not really their business who the other person follows on social media or who they interact with.

So if you're going to get technical, talking to people on dating apps or going on dates isn't having sex with others so you don't have to mention it. If you want to be honest though then you could tell him. But I don't think you HAVE to.

 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Venice said:

The guy that I'm fwb is my safe place I feel safe with him. I like how I feel when I'm with him. It feels comfortable to go to his place watch movies, eat, and sometimes cuddle. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to or go on dates with other men for fun.

If he fulfills your needs, why do you have to supplement it? Who says you can't date? You could attempt it, but it's doubtful men are lining up to entertain you and buy you dinner when you're not interested in them or sex. Does your FWB find you attractive? You seem insecure about him.