Trying to figure out what is normal in the dating life

[foreverblue]

I'm back on here to post about a situation that occurred with a man I met on hinge. Essentially I was pretty attracted to him from the get go. Seemed outgoing, friendly and a nice guy in general. We spoke a few times on the phone and I noticed he always appeared exhausted and frazzled. He was upfront and let me know indirectly that he was not ready for a relationship.he did so by saying "he want to connect and communicate over the phone most of the time" so when we met, he stood by his truck and waited until I got my own coffee which was fine because I knew he told me that he was in financial distress due to his ex and him buying investment properties and being unable to afford the rent. Anyway we go back to his place and he shows me all his work I genuinely do care about him and we've met two times since and both times it's me getting him food his only attempts at any sort of effort is calling occasionally and having superficial conversations. I thought I connected with him since he opened up to me about how he felt and basically was kind to me. We ended up not going all the way but just enough for me to regret it and I haven't heard from him in 10 days I know it was his daughter's birthday but still not call or text. 

How should I respond when/if he does text?

[Batya33]

I wouldn’t respond. He’s not interested in dating you. At most he’s interested in meeting up when it’s convenient for him and partaking if the free food and those of your body parts you’re willing to offer. He told you up front he’s broke and doesn’t see you as relationship or girlfriend material (yes he put it generally - yes I’d assume he’s not seeing potential with you so he’s been careful not to lead you on from the get go)

. I’d stop responding and don’t settle for scraps since you seem to be looking to go on dates. He is not looking for that with you. 

[Andrina]

Sounds like being attractive is the only thing he has going for him. You can do waaaay better. Block him now.

[foreverblue]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn’t respond. He’s not interested in dating you. At most he’s interested in meeting up when it’s convenient for him and partaking if the free food and those of your body parts you’re willing to offer. He told you up front he’s broke and doesn’t see you as relationship or girlfriend material (yes he put it generally - yes I’d assume he’s not seeing potential with you so he’s been careful not to lead you on from the get go)

. I’d stop responding and don’t settle for scraps since you seem to be looking to go on dates. He is not looking for that with you. 

Tysm always on point with the common sense 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, foreverblue said:

Tysm always on point with the common sense 

You’re welcome. As an outsider it seems clear as day. I think you’re clouded by a wish to date and because he’s cute. 

[shouldhavelearned]

He's not ready for a relationship

 

Maybe just needs someone to talk to and hang out with

[foreverblue]

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Sounds like being attractive is the only thing he has going for him. You can do waaaay better. Block him now.

Tysm I appreciate the advice 

[waffle]

31 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

Trying to figure out what is normal in the dating life

Broke men who are "not ready for a relationship" on dating apps who are fine with you paying their way and will take whatever form of sex you offer up is probably the most common thing in existence.  But is it "normal"?  No.  If you want to run a charity for men who are too broke to participate in an actual life (there are many out there) then keep doing what you're doing.  You required absolutely nothing from this guy so, surprise, you got nothing.

[foreverblue]

2 minutes ago, waffle said:

Broke men who are "not ready for a relationship" on dating apps who are fine with you paying their way and will take whatever form of sex you offer up is probably the most common thing in existence.  But is it "normal"?  No.  If you want to run a charity for men who are too broke to participate in an actual life (there are many out there) then keep doing what you're doing.  You required absolutely nothing from this guy so, surprise, you got nothing.

Yourr right I should have put my foot down

[foreverblue]

3 minutes ago, waffle said:

Broke men who are "not ready for a relationship" on dating apps who are fine with you paying their way and will take whatever form of sex you offer up is probably the most common thing in existence.  But is it "normal"?  No.  If you want to run a charity for men who are too broke to participate in an actual life (there are many out there) then keep doing what you're doing.  You required absolutely nothing from this guy so, surprise, you got nothing.

He said he wanted companionship, plus he has a good job he just is in financial trouble, I have debt too from my degree so we are both in it

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

 unable to afford the rent.  both times it's me getting him food . I haven't heard from him in 10 days

Sorry this happened. Please delete and block men with this many red flags. 

Consider getting a good profile and pics on quality PAID dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Paid apps may offer more serious daters, better screening and at least they need a credit card. 

Some red flags are: Just wants to chat. Complains about money. Talks about being ripped off by ex. Not ready for a relationship. Wants in home dates for the first meeting. This guy has All of them.

Please use quality apps and set your matching and screening criteria appropriately. If you chat and red flags appear, don't meet, just move forward. 

Luckily you dodged a bullet, however it's important to screen for decent men, not projects who can't afford food or housing. 

 

[foreverblue]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Please delete and block men with this many red flags. 

Consider getting a good profile and pics on quality PAID dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Paid apps may offer more serious daters, better screening and at least they need a credit card. 

Some red flags are: Just wants to chat. Complains about money. Talks about being ripped off by ex. Not ready for a relationship. Wants in home dates for the first meeting. This guy has All of them.

Please use quality apps and set your matching and screening criteria appropriately. If you chat and red flags appear, don't meet, just move forward. 

Luckily you dodged a bullet, however it's important to screen for decent men, not projects who can't afford food or housing. 

 

@wiseman ty you always have the perfect advice 

[boltnrun]

43 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

Yourr right I should have put my foot down

Putting your foot down wouldn't have changed anything. If you want him badly enough to ignore glaring, flapping, giant red flags then you'll make excuses such as, well I have debt too. But YOU are able to pay for simple things while he is unwilling, so it's a false equivalency. 

If you want to be a "sugar mama" and financially support him like he's a paid escort that's fine, but don't mistake it for a love relationship.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Putting your foot down wouldn't have changed anything. If you want him badly enough to ignore glaring, flapping, giant red flags then you'll make excuses such as, well I have debt too. But YOU are able to pay for simple things while he is unwilling, so it's a false equivalency. 

If you want to be a "sugar mama" and financially support him like he's a paid escort that's fine, but don't mistake it for a love relationship.

There's no foot to put down when it comes to basic stuff like asking you out on a date he plans in advance -whether free, expensive, whatever - either as an adult he knows how to arrange a date with a lady he wants to date or he doesn't.  Nothing to do with financial trouble. He told you all you needed to know at the outset - he doesn't see you as relationship material and his actions -accepting your footing the expenses to feed him - show that he has no interest in dating you but is interested in hanging out and hooking up and enjoying the food and companionship.

Put your foot down with yourself -don't indulge in rationalizations and demand of yourself that you won't settle for scraps.

[catfeeder]

I don’t know if your standards could be any lower. Why use an app when you could just give anyone on the street your phone number and possibly get treated better?

Putting this guy or any guy aside for a moment, what was the best outcome you could wish for when you signed up for to use the app? This is important, because deciding What You Want determines the best way to use the service.

When you’re not sure what you want, you’ll do things like settle for scraps from someone who will just use you, and worse, you’ll go to the home of a complete stranger and not recognize how lucky you are to have been able to leave there alive.

None of this is normal.

 

 

[foreverblue]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don’t know if your standards could be any lower. Why use an app when you could just give anyone on the street your phone number and possibly get treated better?

Putting this guy or any guy aside for a moment, what was the best outcome you could wish for when you signed up for to use the app? This is important, because deciding What You Want determines the best way to use the service.

When you’re not sure what you want, you’ll do things like settle for scraps from someone who will just use you, and worse, you’ll go to the home of a complete stranger and not recognize how lucky you are to have been able to leave there alive.

None of this is normal.

 

 

I'm trying to change what I am attracted to. I don't have a relationship with my parents and both of them devalued and belittled me growing up. I have done alot of work on myself to realize that I am attracted to men who I have to do things for or nature because I feel like I don't have any worth. I'm working on it, and I am already in my early thirties I have waited a long time to get back out there and it appears not much has changed because I haven't and it's a hard and long road

[MissCanuck]

If you haven't heard from him in 10 days, you have your answer - he's not interested anyway. 

He was okay with a couple very casual meet-ups/hook-ups, but he doesn't want more from you. I would not communicate with him again, should he get in touch.. 

When a guy comes out the gate telling you he doesn't want a relationship, you need to believe him. If you're not into casual hook-ups, steer clear of this sort of man. 

[Kwothe28]

12 hours ago, foreverblue said:

I haven't heard from him in 10 days

Nore you will unless he wants a free meal.

He said he doesnt want a relationship and he is just using you for free meals. Your standards should be way higher then that if you want something that would stick around.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, foreverblue said:

I'm trying to change what I am attracted to. I don't have a relationship with my parents and both of them devalued and belittled me growing up. I have done alot of work on myself to realize that I am attracted to men who I have to do things for or nature because I feel like I don't have any worth. I'm working on it, and I am already in my early thirties I have waited a long time to get back out there and it appears not much has changed because I haven't and it's a hard and long road

I think for now that's a tall order. Instead, react to feeling attracted to a man who tells you he doesn't see you as a potential partner by avoiding contact with that man -self-restraint.  For example let's say you were hungry and knew you needed healthful food to feel good but you felt extremely attracted to the left over cookie dough ice cream cake in the freezer and you knew you were so attracted to it because when you were a child your parents deprived you of food as punishment and belitted your body when you gained a few pounds.

So would you tell yourself -ok I'm going to eat the left over cookie dough ice cream cake because I am still working on changing being attracted to ice cream cake instead of healthful food I need to fuel and nourish my body -or would you tell yourself -I am going to walk away from the cake -even take it outside to the trash if needed-  and have a healthful breakfast instead.

It's not easy to react differently but it does not require getting rid of the attraction to cake or men who you're settling for and putting yourself at risk for - that you can work on over the long term -and it can be slow going.  But of course you can react to the attraction differently - and to help yourself do that create a life where you have alternatives that are better than acting by hanging out and hooking up with a man like that -that will help you make a better choice and then in therapy you can work on getting to a place where you no longer even want the ice cream cake/bad guy.

[Lambert]

14 hours ago, waffle said:

If you want to run a charity for men who are too broke to participate in an actual life (there are many out there) then keep doing what you're doing.

@waffle you said it all here.

OP, you deserve better but you'll never get more by accepting less.

Block this guy now. don't give him the chance to contact you.  As nice as it would be to reply with a big f u, you'll just feel bad about it.  Remove the problem from your life.  

Also- people on line are a dime a dozen. there are plenty of damaged people- see the writing on the wall. the things you mentioned are big GIANT HUGE deal breakers 

1. broke financially

2. broke emotionally 

3. financial problems with ex

4. legally still connected to ex

This guy screams 'I'm a loser'

There's nothing wrong with a person going through a rough patch. It happens, but a quality person is busy trying to fix their situation and not on dating apps. They know they have nothing to offer to a quality person. 

Recognize your own worth. And don't allow this crap to happen again.  

[Batya33]

Also the issue is not whether this is normal in “dating life” - you’re not dating him. He doesn’t want to date you. And this  is more of a common sense safety issue. Would you interact with a new platonic acquaintance who was this sketchy and freeloaded ?

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, foreverblue said:

I'm trying to change what I am attracted to. I don't have a relationship with my parents and both of them devalued and belittled me growing up. I have done alot of work on myself to realize that I am attracted to men who I have to do things for or nature because I feel like I don't have any worth. I'm working on it, and I am already in my early thirties I have waited a long time to get back out there and it appears not much has changed because I haven't and it's a hard and long road

Okay, then you have a challenge on two fronts. First, addressing the self worth thing, which can be an ongoing project that you take up in many ways—self help  books, audio books, videos, a therapist who can be found through an insurance network or by contacting your local hospital for a referral, a counselor who can be found through a university PhD program that offers free or discounted sessions to work with their graduating candidates and will be supervised by a professor, self help workshops or support groups who can be found through a referral from any of the above.

Second, the dating front. Learning how to use the apps to screen OUT bad matches rather than settling for anyone who responds and trying to convert them into a match. This requires deciding What You Want. If it’s a long term relationship, then be honest with yourself about that, and use books, articles and videos to teach yourself how to use the apps strictly for this purpose. Otherwise, you’ll just make a mess each time you position yourself on the fence between screening out bad matches to hold out for a good one versus getting insecure and and engaging anyone, even a loser.

There are no rules that say you can’t learn how to date before you’ve reached some arbitrary state of readiness in terms of self worth. It’s just that dating requires adopting a skill of resiliency to avoid sabotaging yourself with the kind of self devaluation that would view rejection as horrible proof of self horribleness.

Rejection is a natural part of the dating process. We each hold unique value that is hidden from anyone who would make a lousy match. So rejections only speak of another’s limited vision, and the goal is to allow those people to pass early so that you can find the right person who can ‘see’ you and adore you for exactly who you are.

Yes, this is rare. It’s rare for everyone, not just you. The difference is, when you own enough self worth, you can roll past all the bad matches without entangling yourself with them and without hurt feelings. Instead, you can just move them out of your way so you can keep going, and you can eventually strike gold!

Don’t give up, and don’t sell out for less than What You REALLY Want. Meanwhile, keep learning why you deserve that.

[foreverblue]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Okay, then you have a challenge on two fronts. First, addressing the self worth thing, which can be an ongoing project that you take up in many ways—self help  books, audio books, videos, a therapist who can be found through an insurance network or by contacting your local hospital for a referral, a counselor who can be found through a university PhD program that offers free or discounted sessions to work with their graduating candidates and will be supervised by a professor, self help workshops or support groups who can be found through a referral from any of the above.

Second, the dating front. Learning how to use the apps to screen OUT bad matches rather than settling for anyone who responds and trying to convert them into a match. This requires deciding What You Want. If it’s a long term relationship, then be honest with yourself about that, and use books, articles and videos to teach yourself how to use the apps strictly for this purpose. Otherwise, you’ll just make a mess each time you position yourself on the fence between screening out bad matches to hold out for a good one versus getting insecure and and engaging anyone, even a loser.

There are no rules that say you can’t learn how to date before you’ve reached some arbitrary state of readiness in terms of self worth. It’s just that dating requires adopting a skill of resiliency to avoid sabotaging yourself with the kind of self devaluation that would view rejection as horrible proof of self horribleness.

Rejection is a natural part of the dating process. We each hold unique value that is hidden from anyone who would make a lousy match. So rejections only speak of another’s limited vision, and the goal is to allow those people to pass early so that you can find the right person who can ‘see’ you and adore you for exactly who you are.

Yes, this is rare. It’s rare for everyone, not just you. The difference is, when you own enough self worth, you can roll past all the bad matches without entangling yourself with them and without hurt feelings. Instead, you can just move them out of your way so you can keep going, and you can eventually strike gold!

Don’t give up, and don’t sell out for less than What You REALLY Want. Meanwhile, keep learning why you 

This is the level of intelligence and confidence I aspire to be at

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

This is the level of intelligence and confidence I aspire to be at

You don't need a level of intelligence and confidence to treat yourself in a respectful and safe way in situations involving men, online dating apps, etc -as I wrote it's practicing making good choices.  Certainly becoming a more intelligent and confident person are laudable goals long term to aspire to but please don't tell yourself that acting with self-respect/common sense require "aspiring" to any particular level of intelligence or confidence.

[boltnrun]

Let me ask, did you think buying him things (food) and having sexual contact with him would make him like you?