Affair partner gone away with family abroad

[lost39-]

11 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

No, no he didn’t. He severely abused me and my mom and my sibling. He taunted us with food when he didn’t give us any . He tried to run over my mother with a car I was a passenger in when I was 5 years old. I was screaming for him to stop and he just told me “ shut the eff up idiot”. So no, he didn’t . My mom tries to tell us that he loved us as much as he could he just didn’t know how because he was so messed up . He didn’t know what love was . 
 

We should all try to bring happiness to the world . 

Yes I know, I'm do sorry you were subjected to all thst abuse - sincerely 

[lost39-]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

They are going away as a family, will have sex and bond and renew things. Unfortunately you are disposable compared to her partner and children.  You can hope it continues but affairs end sooner or later. But usually not with the lovers leaving everything behind and riding off in the sunset together. 

Mabe so but a holiday is just that and it won't last? We've been together through 2 Dummer holidays now 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, lost39- said:

Yes I know, I'm do sorry you were subjected to all thst abuse - sincerely 

Thank you. Sorry to dump on you I guess I am just remembering all the things he and his family did. 2 weeks until the anniversary of his death. We mostly estranged for 30 years but, abuse and horrible things are sometimes forever . 

[lost39-]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Thank you. Sorry to dump on you I guess I am just remembering all the things he and his family did. 2 weeks until the anniversary of his death. We mostly estranged for 30 years but, abuse and horrible things are sometimes forever . 

Hey no need to be sorry at all, I genuinely feel for you. Sorry that I triggered all those horrid memories for you.

My situation in s%£t and we've brought it on by ourselves- I suppose this pain in kalma for me 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, lost39- said:

 We've been together through 2 Dummer holidays now 

Exactly. She continues to choose her primary relationship over a little thrill on the side to alleviate household boredom. Affairs are easy. They require nothing but lust and sneaking around.  

[lost39-]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. She continues to choose her primary relationship over a little thrill on the side to alleviate household boredom. Affairs are easy. They require nothing but lust and sneaking around.  

I can tell you now, there far from easy, bloody painful 

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, lost39- said:

I've not met the kids, or family (obviously) 

She says she doesn't know how to do it

I hope you know what a load of BS that is.

I got a divorce. Know how I did it? I told my husband and saw an attorney. We were parents too. We had to tell our child.

This woman is taking you for a ride and you're going along willingly.

Don't you care at all about morals? How will you feel when your parents and children inevitably find out you're involved in an illicit affair? 

My advice stands: take this time apart to really think about who you want to see looking back at you in the mirror. Someone who lies and conceals on a daily basis, who has to hide his illicit relationship? Or someone your kids and parents can be proud of?

[NighttimeNightmare]

54 minutes ago, lost39- said:

Nightmare by name, have you no compassion my friend 

I have no compassion for acts of deceit. Stop playing the victim 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, lost39- said:

I can tell you now, there far from easy, bloody painful 

The BF is doing all the heavy lifting. You're just being deprived of no-strings sex for a few days.  Try to keep things in perspective.

[lost39-]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The BF is doing all the heavy lifting. You're just being deprived of no-strings sex for a few days.  Try to keep things in perspective.

Thank you, seriously that helps put it into perspective 

[Tinydance]

Well I think this is definitely not a good situation for you. You are the "loser" in this situation. I don't actually mean loser as in jerk. I mean you are the one losing out in this situation. Your girlfriend gets to have everything. She gets to have her husband and kids, go on holidays together, go to family functions, etc. But you are actually being treated as the "side guy." I. e. You are not a part of her life. You haven't met her kids or her friends and family. You don't come to any events as her date. I'm guessing her husband does.

I think you need to draw the line somewhere. It's already been two years and she hasn't left her husband. I would say it's not that likely she would actually leave him based on the time frame. I'd say the longer she doesn't leave her husband, the more it will become obvious that she doesn't actually WANT to leave him. 

I suggest you give her an ultimatum that she either leaves her husband, or it's over. And you need to stick to that. You are getting hurt and I don't think you're getting anything out of this at the end of the day.

[boltnrun]

And if she does leave the husband? How do you have a trustful relationship with someone you know for a fact cheats, lies, deceives and conceals? And how would she know you won't meet another married woman you find completely enthralling?

[itsallgrand]

5 hours ago, lost39- said:

 Thsnk you all, Im thinking of going solo camping in Wales uk tomorrow buy feel self conscious, you think it will do me good??

You should go.

Personally I find nature to be very therapeutic. Get a fire going. Sit with yourself. Things can get clear real fast, the things we try to hide from ourselves.

Your gut knows what she's doing when you aren't around goes against this story of someone who loves you. Someone who loves you doesn't lie in bed with another man telling him all the sweet nothings she tells you. They don't lie to you, and man has she lied to you. They don't hurt you and the people they claim to care about on purpose, every day, over and over again.

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Your gut knows what she's doing when you aren't around goes against this story of someone who loves you. Someone who loves you doesn't lie in bed with another man telling him all the sweet nothings she tells you. They don't lie to you, and man has she lied to you. They don't hurt you and the people they claim to care about on purpose, every day, over and over again.

Well said. Think about it. When you know that she's been lying to, at very least, her partner, who she has claimed to love, and her children, who she loves but still deceives, for 2 years, why would you be naive enough to believe that somehow you're the magic man who's been gifted as the only person in the world who gets the actual truth out of her?

Deceivers deceive. 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, lost39- said:

Pls dont judge as this can happen to anyone

Nope, this is not true.

An affair isn't something that "happens to" someone. It's an act of choice on your part to engage with a partnered woman. Many would choose not to engage. Please don't try to play this off like you're a hapless victim of circumstance, because you are absolutely not. You can't help your feelings, but you are totally responsible for your own behaviour. 

And my guy, she knows how to end her relationship. Come on, now. She isn't stupid or clueless. She just doesn't want to leave him and the life they have. You are being willfully naive if you think otherwise. 

I would strongly encourage you to start living your own life. Go camping. Get out and live, and quit depending on this unavailable woman for your happiness. 

[LotusBlack]

On 8/16/2023 at 6:28 AM, boltnrun said:

I hope you know what a load of BS that is.

I got a divorce. Know how I did it? I told my husband and saw an attorney. We were parents too. We had to tell our child.

I absolutely second this, OP. I too, got a divorce and it was hard because I loved my husband so fiercely and genuinely got married to him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him - I meant my vows. We also had a 2yo toddler who is now only 3 and a half. I even had to fly, alone, from the UK to Aus with our son in a situation that felt incredibly painful and wrong to be doing. Everything inside me was burning with the loyalty I felt to my husband and our marriage and leaving -and subsequently filing for divorce on my own- hurt more than words can describe, and it still hurts if I think too long on it. But, I pulled my strength and was resolved. Despite my love, my vows, my feelings, I left because it was the only way forward.

So, all this to say, if your affair partner truly felt committed to you and in love, she’d end her marriage without hesitation - and all the more easily because she supposedly doesn’t love her husband (and I fundamentally disagree with the notion you can be in love with more than one person at a time. I think people misunderstand and then mislabel feelings of “love” for more than 1 person at a time). If I can do it when deeply in love and with a toddler (and the daunting prospect of flying alone internationally with said toddler during a pandemic and in deep grief) then she can too. That she doesn’t is a huge neon sign to you that she isn’t committed to you in any way, shape or form. A person in love will move heaven and earth to be with the person they love, not twiddle their thumbs on the issue for 2 years and then head off onto a family holiday.