Affair partner gone away with family abroad

[lost39-]

Hi all, I'm a single guy and not proud to say I've been having an affair with a lady (not married but been together 20yrs and 2 kids) for 2 years, we are in love.

My problem is today she went away with her partner and children- I'm in turmoil - can't eat or focus on anything. I'd this normal to feel this way?

Will she miss me-, she told me last night I'm her everything and we always pour our hearts out to eachother. Its going to be a week of hell. Any ideas to ease the pain? Or coping mechanisms? I'm not after sympathy just some guidance.

Or is this just kalma 

We do want to be together 

 

Thank you in advance 

 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think that you are on her mind when she went with kids and her partner to vacation. Otherwise she would at least find a time to message. 

Also if she didnt left her partner in 2 years, and they even take vacations together, there is a slim chance she will left him now or in future. They always say how they will leave their partner for you. They never do. You are just an affair. Sorry.

Also, also

26 minutes ago, lost39- said:

I'm in turmoil - can't eat or focus on anything. I'd this normal to feel this way?

No. Its not healthy not to eat because your affair partner is on vacation. Its a sign of unhealthy relationship. Which isnt surprising since, again, you are having an affair with a married woman for 2 years.

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, lost39- said:

can't eat or focus on anything. I'd this normal to feel this way?

No, it isn't. It wouldn't be normal even if this were a typical relationship and your girlfriend went on holiday. Your response to her absence is indicative of how untenable this situation really is and how unstable your imagined connection is. 

29 minutes ago, lost39- said:

Any ideas to ease the pain? Or coping mechanisms?

Start recognizing that you are choosing this. You are choosing to devote yourself to someone who can't give you the same Ideally, you should use this time to reflect on why you are doing this to yourself. 

32 minutes ago, lost39- said:

We do want to be together 

So why aren't you? Let me guess - because they have kids together. After 2 years, it doesn't appear she has any real intention of being with you if she hasn't already made a move to leave him. In fact, it seems to drifting in the opposite direction if they're taking family vacations together. 

Your coping mechanism while she's gone should be to realize that this is probably never going anywhere, dude. 

[lost39-]

I appreciate your honesty- but not that easy to end it when your in love.

But as you rightfully say I was aware of what I'm doing.

Just hurts like hell

[lost39-]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think that you are on her mind when she went with kids and her partner to vacation. Otherwise she would at least find a time to message. 

Also if she didnt left her partner in 2 years, and they even take vacations together, there is a slim chance she will left him now or in future. They always say how they will leave their partner for you. They never do. You are just an affair. Sorry.

Also, also

No. Its not healthy not to eat because your affair partner is on vacation. Its a sign of unhealthy relationship. Which isnt surprising since, again, you are having an affair with a married woman for 2 years.

She does message me as and when she can 

[bluecastle]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Your coping mechanism while she's gone should be to realize that this is probably never going anywhere, dude. 

Agree with this, and everything else MissCanuck said. 

Not easy to hear, I know, but this looks a whole lot like life really trying to tell you that the way you're living it isn't serving your best interests. 

One way to see it all, to maybe make it less acute? This week is really no different from every other week over the past two years, in that she is living her life with her partner and children. If she truly wanted to end it and be with you, that would have happened by now. 

 

[catfeeder]

If you had never met this person, what kinds of things would you be doing with your time?

Start doing them.

[boltnrun]

34 minutes ago, lost39- said:

not that easy

I don't see where anyone insisted it would be "easy" to end this dead end affair.

And let's say the unlikely happens and she does leave her partner for you. You would have the joy of having a partner who cheats. And she would have the joy of knowing her partner doesn't respect relationships. 

Why are you not attracted to available women? No, this affair didn't "just happen". 

I would use this time apart to reflect on exactly why you're in pain, and why you would want to continue to be someone's secret.

BTW, what do your parents, siblings and friends think of this affair?

[Seraphim]

Wow, the rate at which people destroy kids’ lives and their married partner’s life is alarming . So sad. And we wonder why the world is messed up . 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Wow, the rate at which people destroy kids’ lives and their married partner’s life is alarming . So sad. And we wonder why the world is messed up . 

When I was married it was unreal how many men didn't care that I was married and would hit on me even after I said I was married and therefore uninterested and unavailable. I also was told it was a big accomplishment among some men to "do" a married woman.

And this is not love. It's a crude fantasy. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When I was married it was unreal how many men didn't care that I was married and would hit on me even after I said I was married and therefore uninterested and unavailable. I also was told it was a big accomplishment among some men to "do" a married woman.

And this is not love. It's a crude fantasy. 

Ugh. 😞

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, lost39- said:

I've been having an affair with a lady (not married but been together 20yrs and 2 kids) for 2 years, we are in love.

This is disgusting. You’re willing to traumatize two children and a man because you think you’re “in love” with a woman who is willing to go behind her partners back of 20 years to have an emotional affair with you. 
 

but you’re the “chosen one” right? You finally feel special because a woman is “choosing you” over her own husband.  

1 hour ago, lost39- said:

not proud to say

Then stop? 

 

1 hour ago, lost39- said:

My problem is today she went away with her partner and children- I'm in turmoil - can't eat or focus on anything. I'd this normal to feel this way?

Not for healthy people and honest situations.  In this case you’re using an involved woman to fill very deep voids in yourself, and her interacting with reality (her partner and children) threatens you to lose that and it’s making you sick 

 

fix yourself. Seek professional help. How dare you traumatize people 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, lost39- said:

I appreciate your honesty- but not that easy to end it when your in love.

But as you rightfully say I was aware of what I'm doing.

Just hurts like hell

Who said anything about easy?

You might be in love but that doesn't change the fact that she is choosing her partner over you. Being in love isn't enough. 

 

[lost39-]

56 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If you had never met this person, what kinds of things would you be doing with your time?

Start doing them.

 Thsnk you all, Im thinking of going solo camping in Wales uk tomorrow buy feel self conscious, you think it will do me good??

[lost39-]

46 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't see where anyone insisted it would be "easy" to end this dead end affair.

And let's say the unlikely happens and she does leave her partner for you. You would have the joy of having a partner who cheats. And she would have the joy of knowing her partner doesn't respect relationships. 

Why are you not attracted to available women? No, this affair didn't "just happen". 

I would use this time apart to reflect on exactly why you're in pain, and why you would want to continue to be someone's secret.

BTW, what do your parents, siblings and friends think of this affair?

They don't know about it, yes i should of been stronger and walked away but never done this before And didn't know the heart ache it would cause me/her

[smackie9]

You have any friends?

 

[lost39-]

36 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Wow, the rate at which people destroy kids’ lives and their married partner’s life is alarming . So sad. And we wonder why the world is messed up . 

Pls dont judge as this can happen to anyone - I know its wrong - in need of support not to be judged.

I appreciate your honesty 

[Starlight925]

5 minutes ago, lost39- said:

 Thsnk you all, Im thinking of going solo camping in Wales uk tomorrow buy feel self conscious, you think it will do me good??

You're too self-conscious to go camping solo but not too self-conscious to engage in an affair?

I got nothin'.

[lost39-]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When I was married it was unreal how many men didn't care that I was married and would hit on me even after I said I was married and therefore uninterested and unavailable. I also was told it was a big accomplishment among some men to "do" a married woman.

And this is not love. It's a crude fantasy. 

No its not like that at all for me, I can assure you - wasn't looking for an unavailable woman . We've known each other 15 yrs, friendship grew 

[lost39-]

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You have any friends?

 

Only a few, they live with there partners so don't see much of them

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, lost39- said:

Pls dont judge as this can happen to anyone - I know its wrong - in need of support not to be judged.

I appreciate your honesty 

Well, I can’t say I support people who destroy kid’s lives. You don’t get to cherry pick responses you get. I hope her partner turfs her out on her arse, maybe she will smarten up. And no it doesn’t happen to anyone . It only happens to selfish people. 

[smackie9]

Just now, lost39- said:

Only a few, they live with there partners so don't see much of them

so what is the age difference with you two? are you much younger? 

[lost39-]

4 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

You're too self-conscious to go camping solo but not too self-conscious to engage in an affair?

I got nothin'.

I only wanted some advice, not for you to come at me, yes im apprehensive about going alone but self consciousness (I don't see what that has to do with engaging in an affair

[lost39-]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

so what is the age difference with you two? are you much younger? 

I'm 48 she's 43

[smackie9]

Just now, lost39- said:

I'm 48 she's 43

Ever been married? Kids? How did you meet?