Affairs

[Stillsingle3]

Now I know I’m going to get some (a lot of hate) for this, but I need some advice. 
 

I don’t even know where to start…….. so I’ve been in my current job for almost 5 years, about two years ago I met this guy who works here too, he’s been here a lot longer than me but worked on a different part of the site. 
 

anyway, so we worked together for a few months and became work friends, then at one point he said he liked me, was I interested ect. I said no and stuck by that as he has a partner. More time passes and things changed we started seeing each other. 
 

now it’s been a couple of years, we’ve done the ‘couple’ things ect, I did try and end things a few times because of the situation and was reassured that he was going to end it with his partner but it was hard because of the kids. 
 

someone gave her the heads up that something was going on but he denied it and things settled down, (we were still seeing each other but obviously it’s not as easy and he’s being watched closely. He’s tried to end it, I’ve tried to end it but it lasts an hour if that as we can’t stay away from each other. We still work together everyday, he can’t leave (or wont) I definitely wont leave and I can’t be moved. 
 

what do I do? How can I end this when I really don’t want to? He obviously can’t either. It’s more difficult now as he’s being watched (rightly so) I know I sound like a bad person, I am but I never meant for this to happen. 

[Seraphim]

Would this be ok to happen to any of your family members and their kids? Why is it ok to destroy the lives of kids ? 

[Batya33]

You're not a bad person.  You're a person making bad choices for yourself and you're not showing thoughtfulness as far as the effect on this guy's family.  So if you end up with this guy - I mean do you have a very very strong stomach so that each day he goes off on his merry way to work you won't worry that some gal will catch his eye and he'll hook up with her -or try to? I mean he justifies cheating based on "I can't help it' just like you justify it with "I never meant for this to happen." 

Stop all the passive descriptions -for yourself about how "things changed" and "we can't stay apart" -this is all your choice.  Own it or you'll continue to make excuses and continue to get involved with unavailable men -seems like maybe that's part of the thrill?

I had a single -former- friend who had an affair with a married man she knew through business.  It was on and off, he did mention potentially leaving his wife, I believe the wife did find out.  It was on one night and -within the next few days, he committed suicide.  She said to me "it was his wife's fault because of how she treated him."  When I met her she was in her mid 30s and quite attractive.  She had sex with a number of married men as she told me.  I knew of her well into her 40s (she's in her 60s now I guess)-she aged, she lived alone, she never married although at times seemed to really want to.  So intellectually smart, also an accomplished artist. What a waste. 

Don't be her.  Take responsibility for your choices, and yes you might have to find a new job if you find it "too hard" to stay away from this person. Never rationalize that he would want to be with you much less be in a faithful committed relationship with you.  It's really doubtful IMO.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

How can I end this when I really don’t want to? 

Are you in another relationship as well?

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Affairs are easy. They require nothing but lust and the thrill of sneaking around. 

You already know he's not going to leave his family and that he's telling you the standard "we're roommates, staying for the kids" line.

It will end sooner or later, but it won't end well for you. He seems well practiced in cheating so he may find a more attractive, younger and new mistress soon. 

But he's probably not going to leave his wife and you two are probably not going to ride off into the sunset together in bliss. 

 

[Stillsingle3]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you in another relationship as well?

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Affairs are easy. They require nothing but lust and the thrill of sneaking around. 

You already know he's not going to leave his family and that he's telling you the standard "we're roommates, staying for the kids" line.

It will end sooner or later, but it won't end well for you. He seems well practiced in cheating so he may find a more attractive, younger and new mistress soon. 

But he's probably not going to leave his wife and you two are probably not going to ride off into the sunset together in bliss. 

 

No I’m not in a relationship. 
 

yeah I suppose at the beginning it was the thrill of sneaking around, everyone at work knows about us apart from a few. We’ve spent birthdays together, he’s helped me move, decorate, put furniture together ect, he’s met some of my family. It’s been 2 years. 

 

he’s not told me the ‘we’re roommates’ line 

 

he had a breakdown at work because he doesn’t know what to do, I had to get his boss involved because of how distraught he was and how upset he got. And I mean full on tears. He doesn’t want to be where he is but doesn’t want the kids to suffer, I totally get that. 
he’s not married, I know doesn’t make a difference, he had a child with a girl he knew less than a month and chose to stand buy the accidental pregnancy (I didn’t get this info from him) though I knew that anyway and he a year down the line told me himself. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

No I’m not in a relationship. 

To fill the void and emptiness in your life, consider getting a good profile and pics on paid quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting decent honest single available men. 

You may be a lot happier with your own BF and someone you can trust and respect.

[lostandhurt]

You are side chick is that okay with you? It is that simple.

 Cheaters are liars without exception so you can pretty much expect that he has lied to you about his home situation.  I would imagine the truth is a far cry from what he has told you.

 Is this all you aspire to?  Being some guy that cheats on his wife and family side chick?  You don't want a real relationship?

 What happened in your life where this is all you want, to be someone else's second choice?

Lost

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

He had a breakdown at work because he doesn’t know what to do, I had to get his boss involved because of how distraught he was..

, he had a child with a girl he knew less than a month and chose to stand buy the accidental pregnancy.

He seems mentally unstable. It's unfortunate this affair is disrupting the whole workplace.

Usually  cheaters depict themselves as victims of horrible partners or circumstances, so that's not unusual at all. 

Unfortunately his penis seems to get into a lot of places "by accident".

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems mentally unstable. It's unfortunate it this affair is disrupting the whole workplace.

Usually  cheaters depicts themselves as victims of horrible partner or circumstances, so that's not unusual at all.

I agree. Unfortunately this makes workplaces a toxic mess and turns everyone against each other and makes people worried about their jobs. 

[Tinydance]

To be honest I think this guy is telling you a lot of bs. How long has he been with his partner? At least two years right? And you said he has kids plural. Not just one child. I find it hard to believe that even if he got a girl pregnant by accident, that he then stayed with her for a few more years and also had more children with her. If he wasn't actually into her at all then he would have probably been careful to use protection. Instead he had more kids with her.

I actually think he is into her or he just doesn't mind being with her and doing what he's doing on the side. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of leaving her. It's been two years and he hasn't done it. It's not that hard to end a relationship with someone you're not into. Especially if the children are toddlers or they're small. They might not even fully understand what happened. He doesn't need to be with his partner to be a Dad to his kids.

In any case, even if he's not into his partner, he is choosing her and his children over you. By not leaving her, he is actually making a choice. And it's not you.

[Kwothe28]

Cheaters and liars stay cheaters and liars. He would never leave his girlfriend for you. If he wanted he would do it already. But he is OK with her being the mother of his kids and you being his mistress. Its a win-win for him. Now why does he tells you that he would leave her? Well, its simple, he lies. You wouldnt be his mistress and stay there if you knew there was no future there. So he just lies to you. You are just a mistress there. Somebody to fall back after his girlfriend gets mad at him and nothing more.

And as such, you should end it. Not only because you are being lied too and that he is cheating with you. But also because it hinders you from moving forward. Him in your life means there is no room for somebody else. And I dont think some new boyfriend would look at your affair as a positive thing. In fact if they know or find out about the affair they would just avoid you. So leave liar anbd cheater. And find somebody who is actually available and actually wants to be with you.

[Batya33]

If he is having breakdowns at work to the extent you are inserting yourself to this extent both your jobs are unstable. I mean you’re not HR right ?  

What’s the deal with accidental pregnancy?  He had unprotected or insufficiently protected sex with a woman he’d recently met. Why all the credit for being an involved parent ? That’s the minimum. And no he didn’t have to be romantically involved - he obviously wanted to be with her. And is still with her. 

I’d be extremely careful about future interaction with him. He is unstable and he might turn on you or his partner might. 
 

[Stillsingle3]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If he is having breakdowns at work to the extent you are inserting yourself to this extent both your jobs are unstable. I mean you’re not HR right ?  

What’s the deal with accidental pregnancy?  He had unprotected or insufficiently protected sex with a woman he’d recently met. Why all the credit for being an involved parent ? That’s the minimum. And no he didn’t have to be romantically involved - he obviously wanted to be with her. And is still with her. 

I’d be extremely careful about future interaction with him. He is unstable and he might turn on you or his partner might. 
 

It was only the once and I stayed away but was in the building. I was only told after. No not hr but the big boss. 
 

yes unprotected, but both were teenagers, not that, that is any excuse. 
 

I am going to try again to end things, it’s just difficult when you spend 8+ hours working closely together 5/6 days a week. 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

I am going to try again to end things, it’s just difficult when you spend 8+ hours working closely together 5/6 days a week. 

No one said it was easy.  Do the right thing, especially when it's hard.  Don't just try.

[Seraphim]

Doing the right and hard things lets you know you are a winner and on the right path . Life isn’t supposed to be easy. If you don’t struggle you don’t learn. 

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, Stillsingle3 said:

I am going to try again to end things, it’s just difficult when you spend 8+ hours working closely together 5/6 days a week. 

If you truly want to end things you'll find a way, if not, you'll find an excuse.  It's as simple as that.

[Cherylyn]

Do the right thing instead of what you want.  Put yourself in other people's shoes.  I agree with others.  Think of role reversals and how would you feel if your guy had a side hustle?  Wouldn't you feel that both of them are home wreckers?  Keep in mind,  he could keep you in his back pocket and cheat on you as well.  You can't trust him as far as you can throw him.  End it and remain professional at the work place.  Be well mannered yet maintain a safe distance as you would with any other colleague.  It's not too late to enforce strong boundaries.  Remove emotions and you can do it. 

[shouldhavelearned]

You know what your doing is wrong

 

 

[Stillsingle3]

On 8/4/2023 at 7:49 PM, Cherylyn said:

Do the right thing instead of what you want.  Put yourself in other people's shoes.  I agree with others.  Think of role reversals and how would you feel if your guy had a side hustle?  Wouldn't you feel that both of them are home wreckers?  Keep in mind,  he could keep you in his back pocket and cheat on you as well.  You can't trust him as far as you can throw him.  End it and remain professional at the work place.  Be well mannered yet maintain a safe distance as you would with any other colleague.  It's not too late to enforce strong boundaries.  Remove emotions and you can do it. 

 How do you remove emotions? It took me a long time to actually feel anything for him. How do you just remove them? 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

 How do you remove emotions? It took me a long time to actually feel anything for him. How do you just remove them? 

One way is to align the reality with your emotions. Research "cognitive dissonance". It's when the truth is so awful, the mind rewrites a narrative to make the unacceptable acceptable.

In this case you would like to believe you two are in love, he's a victim of circumstances and that's why he's with his GF rather than you.

This is gaslighting and you believing this lie is where the cognitive dissonance plays a role. The awful truth is your relationship is a lie and he's just a rotten horndog, but that's hard to swallow.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Stillsingle3 said:

 How do you remove emotions? It took me a long time to actually feel anything for him. How do you just remove them? 

You don't -you develop ways to react so that they stay on the periphery.  Many times this takes practice and for sure it can take counseling or therapy.

[Cherylyn]

11 hours ago, Stillsingle3 said:

 How do you remove emotions? It took me a long time to actually feel anything for him. How do you just remove them? 

You remove emotions by thinking crystal clearly about the situation instead of the person itself.  I know it's difficult to do because it took me weeks or months to focus on the condition,  situation,  hopeless dynamic and my eagerness to move on seriously as opposed to the emotional pull getting in the way and clouding my judgement.  Once I separated the two schools of thought,  it became easier to disassociate myself emotionally from the person and concentrate on what I needed to do in order to save what little sanity I had left.  It was my way of recovering and moving forward. 

In order to move on so I could heal,  recover and surround myself with people whom I'm comfortable with,  I had to force myself to disconnect emotionally to said person.  Once I did that,  I was clear headed and boosted my self confidence and security within myself.  Cutting off emotion made me tougher to make sound decisions.  It takes practice.  If I can do it,  you can, too.  It gets easier once you realize the reality of the situation.  Being unemotional and hard lined will save you a lot of unnecessary grief now and in the future which I've since learned the hard way.  It's a way of growing and maturing mentally. 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You remove emotions by thinking crystal clearly about the situation instead of the person itself.

Right.

Sit back & take a serious look at all of this.  You said it's been going on for about 2 years now?

He's a man who thinks it's great he's got 2 women on the go (ego boost 😉 ).

FACT: he is still with her as well. - How does that make you feel?  2 years later and he has not made a move to end things with her.

This is YOUR work place!  See it as that. ( so many times, I have said a work place should be for that only - to work).  Getting involved w/ co workers is soo not good 😕 .

So, it's time to sit back and take a real look at the whole situation and see your own worth.  Is this what you want for another 2+ years?

How about avoiding him now, totally!  You do your job and stop interacting with him.  And you do one more final explanation and MEAN IT!  ( Do not feel the need to explain yourself anymore and be done with him, totally!).

You work on accepting what is and healing... meanwhile, get a profile up on a dating site and start touring to see what else is out there for you to meet. ( someone who isn't already involved or at your workplace) .. Believe me, it can be done.

Takes your strength.. Realize your worth.  Be involved with someone who's only into YOU.

 

[catfeeder]

I don’t really understand what you’re asking from us. You don’t want to end this, so how can we help you?

[Stillsingle3]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don’t really understand what you’re asking from us. You don’t want to end this, so how can we help you?

Well actually we’ve had some changes as of last night. He’s confessed the affair, apparently told the truth though I doubt that. Now she’s contacted me, do I ignore? Obviously it’s over now so there’s no worries there and actually I feel relieved