Why would he reach out to me and then say he’s not able to meet up with me?

[ladyglam]

I've had an extreme amount of trauma in my life as a child and have been drawn to dating the wrong men, usually ones who are emotionally abusive. I know I need to work on this.

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

I've had an extreme amount of trauma in my life as a child and have been drawn to dating the wrong men, usually ones who are emotionally abusive. I know I need to work on this.

I just posted about this in @Amelia1905 "Bobby Pin" thread, I invite you to read my response. 

Unhealthy patterns tend to repeat until we become fully healed from the original trauma/abuse.

Its good you're aware of it, are you seeking treatment?  Therapy? 

 

.  

[ladyglam]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I just posted about this in @Amelia1905 "Bobby Pin" thread, I invite you to read my response. 

Unhealthy patterns tend to repeat until we become fully healed from the original trauma/abuse.

Its good you're aware of it, are you seeking treatment?  Therapy? 

 

.  

Hi, thank you. I’ll take a look. I was sexually abused from the ages of 5 to 10 by an immediate family members, had a narcissist father, emotionally unavailable mother, ignored by my parents, relentlessly bullied as a child. I’m extremely kind and highly empathetic, probably why I attract these types of men who treat me like crap.

I was in sexual abuse counseling about 10 years ago. I’m back in therapy now as of yesterday to deal with these issues.

 

I appreciate your reply.

[Lambert]

25 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

I've had an extreme amount of trauma in my life as a child and have been drawn to dating the wrong men, usually ones who are emotionally abusive. I know I need to work on this.

I'm sorry.  

Knowing you need to work on yourself is really a good sign.  Some people don't even see it.

Unfortunately, until you heal yourself you're probably going to keep this pattern going. 

You get scared, so you say let's be friends.  You get some reaction so then you want to share your true feelings.  you get a response so you block and delete. This is all with a stranger. It's big swings of wall up, then come in hear my deepest thoughts. no don't contact me at all. 

You may have your reasons but other people don't know that, nor should they. 

Until your able to meet someone and have the confidence in yourself to see flags and trust that you can handle it, you should not be dating. 

A healthy person when presented with something like a red flag or questionable response will pause and handle the situation through communication and knowing what they can accept and what they won't.  To then make a decision they actually want to continue. They protect themselves through good decisions, knowing that it might turn to crap. but that won't be the end of their world. 

A relationship takes more than liking and attraction. Of course those are needed but healthy relationships require both people to be equally invested and involved in communication and making decisions together. 

Right now, you're just at the meeting and greeting stage with this guy,  but he is showing you he's wishy washy. So in that case you pull back. If he were contact you then you explain, sorry I don't think we're compatible & wish him luck. 

However, you've already blocked the guy.  Just leave it. Work on yourself.  Getting to know yourself and being a good self parent. in addition to therapy, what are you doing for yourself?

Are you working on a good diet, limiting alcohol and other drugs, exercising regularly, working on your career and personal relationships? 

Get those categories in order and you will be stronger and able to trust yourself to meet someone and have a healthy relationship. You have to bring a healthy self to any situation to be successful.

[ladyglam]

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I'm sorry.  

Knowing you need to work on yourself is really a good sign.  Some people don't even see it.

Unfortunately, until you heal yourself you're probably going to keep this pattern going. 

You get scared, so you say let's be friends.  You get some reaction so then you want to share your true feelings.  you get a response so you block and delete. This is all with a stranger. It's big swings of wall up, then come in hear my deepest thoughts. no don't contact me at all. 

You may have your reasons but other people don't know that, nor should they. 

Until your able to meet someone and have the confidence in yourself to see flags and trust that you can handle it, you should not be dating. 

A healthy person when presented with something like a red flag or questionable response will pause and handle the situation through communication and knowing what they can accept and what they won't.  To then make a decision they actually want to continue. They protect themselves through good decisions, knowing that it might turn to crap. but that won't be the end of their world. 

A relationship takes more than liking and attraction. Of course those are needed but healthy relationships require both people to be equally invested and involved in communication and making decisions together. 

Right now, you're just at the meeting and greeting stage with this guy,  but he is showing you he's wishy washy. So in that case you pull back. If he were contact you then you explain, sorry I don't think we're compatible & wish him luck. 

However, you've already blocked the guy.  Just leave it. Work on yourself.  Getting to know yourself and being a good self parent. in addition to therapy, what are you doing for yourself?

Are you working on a good diet, limiting alcohol and other drugs, exercising regularly, working on your career and personal relationships? 

Get those categories in order and you will be stronger and able to trust yourself to meet someone and have a healthy relationship. You have to bring a healthy self to any situation to be successful.

Thank you ☺️ I haven’t been taking care of myself. I’ve lost 10 pounds in one month because I haven’t been eating or sleeping. All of my past experiences keep haunting me and coming up. I’m so mad at myself for allowing him into my life and ignoring the red flags. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, ladyglam said:

Thank you ☺️ I haven’t been taking care of myself. I’ve lost 10 pounds in one month because I haven’t been eating or sleeping. All of my past experiences keep haunting me and coming up. I’m so mad at myself for allowing him into my life and ignoring the red flags. 

You're looking for someone to take the pain and loneliness away. But this awful man will increase the pain, not reduce or eliminate it.

Pain is familiar and therefore comforting even though it upsets you. If you can just get these difficult people to love you that means you're worthy of being loved. Am I close to the right track here?

By chance are you isolated? You said you were at an event so I presume you have some social interactions, which is good. 

[ladyglam]

Just now, boltnrun said:

You're looking for someone to take the pain and loneliness away. But this awful man will increase the pain, not reduce or eliminate it.

Pain is familiar and therefore comforting even though it upsets you. If you can just get these difficult people to love you that means you're worthy of being loved. Am I close to the right track here?

By chance are you isolated? You said you were at an event so I presume you have some social interactions, which is good. 

Hi, thank you. I am a bit isolated as I own a business by myself and work from home a lot. I try to go to the coffee shop in the morning and work 3 times a week so that helps. I’m pretty extroverted and outgoing so being isolated is very hard for me. I have a friend from college visiting today and we plan on going out.

You are definitely on the right track with the pain part. From the very first moment I met this guy he was a passive aggressive jerk but I continued to talk to I’m and got sucked in. That’s on me, and I need to work on why I’m attracting negative men.

[Andrina]

21 hours ago, ladyglam said:

He just broke up with his girlfriend shortly before we met and I was scared of getting hurt, so I asked to just be friends for now.

He disappeared for two weeks after that and has been very inconsistent with texting me.

Well, an acquaintance/new friend doesn't owe you any particular amount of texting. Friendships form and thrive when two people are happy with the amount of communication. If you're unsatisfied, it means the person doesn't mesh well with you as a friend.

So this is one of your mistakes. Your expectations are not realistic.

21 hours ago, ladyglam said:

I wanted to share my feelings for him and tell him the reason why I wanted to be friends and that I’ve been hurt in the past.

So who hasn't been hurt in the past? I would think in this situation it has more to do with: This man is fresh out of a relationship, so he's not good dating material.

I'm glad you're receiving therapy, and on top of that, it'll be in your best interest to not have the goal of not getting hurt again, because that's an unrealistic goal. Your goal should be to note red flags and dealbreakers, and to act quickly to cut that person loose as soon as you see a person is not good dating material. Your goal should be to date wisely, and know your heart and brain must be equal partners in choosing a man.

So, in reading the negative things you wrote about this man, you let your attraction for him override the red flags. You subconsciously think you deserve to feel crappy so his dysfunction seems comfortable to you.

I would avoid dating until you get to a better mindset through therapy, because clearly you're not ready to choose an appropriate man. Concentrate, for now, on building a satisfying life solo. Take care.

[ladyglam]

1 minute ago, Andrina said:

Well, an acquaintance/new friend doesn't owe you any particular amount of texting. Friendships form and thrive when two people are happy with the amount of communication. If you're unsatisfied, it means the person doesn't mesh well with you as a friend.

So this is one of your mistakes. Your expectations are not realistic.

So who hasn't been hurt in the past? I would think in this situation it has more to do with: This man is fresh out of a relationship, so he's not good dating material.

I'm glad you're receiving therapy, and on top of that, it'll be in your best interest to not have the goal of not getting hurt again, because that's an unrealistic goal. Your goal should be to note red flags and dealbreakers, and to act quickly to cut that person loose as soon as you see a person is not good dating material. Your goal should be to date wisely, and know your heart and brain must be equal partners in choosing a man.

So, in reading the negative things you wrote about this man, you let your attraction for him override the red flags. You subconsciously think you deserve to feel crappy so his dysfunction seems comfortable to you.

I would avoid dating until you get to a better mindset through therapy, because clearly you're not ready to choose an appropriate man. Concentrate, for now, on building a satisfying life solo. Take care.

Thank you. I feel because I’m getting older that my dating pool is shrinking. So when I meet someone I think I’ll like, I try to make it work. But you’re totally right on this.

[bluecastle]

10 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

I’m so mad at myself for allowing him into my life and ignoring the red flags. 

No reason to be mad at yourself, best I can see. 

Zoom out and view all this from another angle, and what's the story? Your own better angels, personal growth, strong core, emotional evolution, or whatever descriptor works best reigned supreme.

Yeah, he quickly showed himself to be an icky jerk—and, yeah, that little magnet in you got activated. But then what? You hit the brakes. And while the blocking would be rash in another context, in this one it's a bit like someone aware of their booze problem pouring the vodka into the toilet rather than putting it back in the cupboard. And that's someone who is beating their booze problem, not having it beat them.

So, sure, this is something you'll likely have to reckon with on occasion, and are reckoning with right now. From this experience you are leeching that magnet of a little more power. Next time there's a match with a guy like this you're far more likely to just take a quick hard pass rather than the toe stepping that's got you a little knotted up right now, which will free you up for more, better matches without the static.  

[boltnrun]

Just now, ladyglam said:

I need to work on why I’m attracting negative men.

Because you are attracted to them. Healthy people would have one conversation with that guy and immediately write him off. Instead you chose to pursue him, tried to meet up with him and decided you have "feelings" for him. I'm sure you know that's not healthy.

My mother withheld affection and praise. As a result I chose men who I had to convince to be with me. The more dismissive they were, the less attention and affection they gave me, the more I insisted I "loved" them and tried to do everything I could to get them to love me. It was an impossible and fruitless endeavor. And harmful to myself emotionally.

Definitely consider taking time off from trying to date while you work with your therapist to find healthy ways to pursue love, affection and relationships. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

Thank you. I feel because I’m getting older that my dating pool is shrinking. So when I meet someone I think I’ll like, I try to make it work. But you’re totally right on this.

Please never settle.  I started dating my future husband within days of my 39th bday.  He was 38.  

[ladyglam]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Please never settle.  I started dating my future husband within days of my 39th bday.  He was 38.  

Thank you. I’ll definitely work on it with my therapist and will be hopeful about my future.

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

Thank you. I feel because I’m getting older that my dating pool is shrinking. So when I meet someone I think I’ll like, I try to make it work. But you’re totally right on this.

Your dating pool is shrinking now because you didn't heal. I have a friend, she is 45, she looks gorgeous, and is still attracting many man... let yourself some month, years to work on yourself and then start dating again, ready to share your best self.... 

[ladyglam]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Because you are attracted to them. Healthy people would have one conversation with that guy and immediately write him off. Instead you chose to pursue him, tried to meet up with him and decided you have "feelings" for him. I'm sure you know that's not healthy.

My mother withheld affection and praise. As a result I chose men who I had to convince to be with me. The more dismissive they were, the less attention and affection they gave me, the more I insisted I "loved" them and tried to do everything I could to get them to love me. It was an impossible and fruitless endeavor. And harmful to myself emotionally.

Definitely consider taking time off from trying to date while you work with your therapist to find healthy ways to pursue love, affection and relationships. 

Yes, I agree. I’m not emotionally healthy right now at all. I just want someone to love me and me them, but he’s not the one for me. I found that out the hard way.

[ladyglam]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

Your dating pool is shrinking now because you didn't heal. I have a friend, she is 45, she looks gorgeous, and is still attracting many man... let yourself some month, years to work on yourself and then start dating again, ready to share your best self.... 

Thank you for that. I’m 44, so it gives me encouragement. I’ve also focused on my career, being successful and making a lot of money but looking back I think I was avoiding the inner work and past traumas I need to heal from. I never prioritized love because of my past.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

Thank you for that. I’m 44, so it gives me encouragement. I’ve also focused on my career, being successful and making a lot of money but looking back I think I was avoiding the inner work and past traumas I need to heal from. I never prioritized love because of my past.

I'm sorry for your struggles.  I can relate to the extent that I got in my own way a lot.  It's wonderful and inspiring how  you're doing the inner work now.  Good luck.

[boltnrun]

Wow, you're still super young. I'm more than a decade older than you but when I was in my early to mid 40s I was still actively seeing men and getting attention even though I'm no beauty queen. 

I hope you can get to where you feel confident about your dating choices and won't do things that are counterintuitive. 

[ladyglam]

I’m literally crying my eyes out right now. I never cry and was never allowed to show my emotions as a child. Both my parents were in the military and I always had to be perfect and strong. 
 

I’m not emotional about the guy I liked, rather something my dad said to me last night that he always says. Two of his nieces were born with minor illnesses, they are in their 40s and 50s now. He said that they needed more attention than my brother and I because they were sick. My dad has never put us first except for when I have an accomplishment so he can brag.

It made me feel like crap and that we didn’t deserved to be loved the same way. My dad was one of my abusers and so was my brother. I’ve forgiven my brother because even though he started abusing me at 5 years old and he was 10, I had a hunch back then that he was being abused by my father too.

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry you're upset. But it's actually healthy to express your emotions. 

It seems to my amateur mind you are recreating the situation with your parents by pursuing and convincing yourself you have "feelings" for difficult men.

I'm glad you're pursuing therapy. I believe it will help immensely.

[Superstickyone]

This is an unhealthy attachment to a man who is not interested. He doesn't mind "talking" to you here and there though maybe as a casual acquaintance. Don't misinterpret his questions as something more. 

Analyzing whatever he says is very unhealthy and is causing you to obsess over every little word that comes out of his mouth.

Also don't put all your eggs in one basket with men.  Ideally you should talk to several guys at once to avoid "oneitiss".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ladyglam]

9 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

This is an unhealthy attachment to a man who is not interested. He doesn't mind "talking" to you here and there though maybe as a casual acquaintance. Don't misinterpret his questions as something more. 

Analyzing whatever he says is very unhealthy and is causing you to obsess over every little word that comes out of his mouth.

Also don't put all your eggs in one basket with men.  Ideally you should talk to several guys at once to avoid "oneitiss".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree. I think he was interested at first until I said I wanted to be friends. In retrospect, it’s probably a good thing he’s no longer interested so I can move on and heal.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, ladyglam said:

Thank you ☺️ I haven’t been taking care of myself. I’ve lost 10 pounds in one month because I haven’t been eating or sleeping. All of my past experiences keep haunting me and coming up. I’m so mad at myself for allowing him into my life and ignoring the red flags. 

Try to forgive yourself.  we all make mistakes. it's going to be OK. try talking nicely to yourself.  As you would a friend that is hurting. Keep reminding yourself no one can change the past, but you can make new choices for a better future. It takes time and it is hard.  you can do it! 

[bluecastle]

Big hugs and sorry for all you went through as a child, and for the rush of emotion at present. It's not pleasant, those purges, but they are healthy, as bolt said. 

And just to emphasize what I wrote earlier: I really think this moment is a healthier one than not, for many reasons, and encourage you to see that. Much better than beating yourself up and telling yourself a story of how far you have to go. 

Yes, you got momentarily sprung on a jerk. Key word is momentarily. Other keys are: Some part of you was pushing it all away even as you were leaning in, and then blocked it all out before it became anything consequential. That is good.

Is all that the acme of emotional health? No, but that's okay. It all showed you a few vulnerable spots in the house that is you that need a touch of attention, which you're now giving them. And that is great. 

[SooSad33]

19 hours ago, ladyglam said:

I just don’t get why when I saw him this weekend at a group event he was quizzing me about my latest trips out of town about who I was with and why I was gone, acting jealous and stuff. Now he won’t even meet with me in person.

As mentioned, he didn't like being 'friend zoned'.  So, he'll move on.  

 

22 hours ago, ladyglam said:

I recently met a guy a few months ago and really like him. He just broke up with his girlfriend shortly before we met and I was scared of getting hurt, so I asked to just be friends for now.

He disappeared for two weeks after that and has been very inconsistent with texting me.

But don't forget YOUR reasoning for this.

As for his jealousy act, or whatever it is... who cares!  The guy's not too stable right now, is he?  Then yeah, forget his number and move on. ( and it also doesn't matter what his plans are or that he's busy on that time frame.. yeah, sometimes people have busy lives).

It's maybe just best you accept what is and walk away, right?  You removed his number, leave it as that.  (never play head games). It's unfair and really adds to the problems.