Why would he reach out to me and then say he’s not able to meet up with me?

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, ladyglam said:

just want someone to love me and me them...

That's what we all want. 

First step to making that happen is to learn to love yourself first.  

No man will ever love you unless and until this happens.  Right now, just from reading your posts and your attraction to "not very nice" men, you have a ways to go.  

People who love themselves (first) will run for the hills upon receiving the treatment you've described. 

As my late mom used to say "we weren't placed on this earth to be martyrs or saviors."  Wise words.  

It's not your job to save these insecure troubled guys, as abusers often are.

I was with one of these guys for many years, almost married him, but got out in time. 

The healing was very difficult and many years later, I am still healing!  But have learned how to make better choices for myself and am now able to recognize warning signs and get the hell away. 

My personal prayer for you is that you find the strength to walk away when you see those signs, no matter how  disguised they are, and make yourself the priority

Love yourself first. 

 

[catfeeder]

I’m glad your overall instinct was to shut this guy down. The problem is not that you attract lousy guys more than anyone else does, but rather, others recognize them as lousy and are repelled by them, while you stick around and engage—no matter how lousy they make you feel.

Traumatized people tend to form trauma bonds with people who keep them in a state of familiar anxiety. That’s important to explore with your therapist, who is trained in this stuff. It’s more common than you think, and it’s not a lost cause.

Your willingness to cut ties with this guy shows you’re already growing in the right direction. Good job!

[Jaunty]

You might want to take a look at how you've approached this whole situation.   Your first post was straightforwardly about how you went about trying to get involved with this guy and his response.

No mention of how he was an abusive monster whatsoever.

If this is the way things work inside your mind, you would probably benefit from some help.

The FIRST thing you ought to notice is that he's condescending, arrogant, and alarmingly controlling (telling you you need to have your nails done all the time, the first time you met?) 

None of this is even mentioned - your only "red flag" was that he'd recently broken up and you didn't want to be hurt.

It's possible to feel attracted to a jerk.  Learn to just notice that you're attracted, but don't be thinking about becoming the girlfriend of the jerk.  Please.  

This guy sounds way off the charts and I still can't wrap my mind around how or why you didn't register any of it until he stopped pursuing you.

[ladyglam]

Thank you, everyone!

I finally cut the chord!

He said "Please forgive me if I turned out to be a burden on your life", and that he would respect my decision to not be friends or associate anymore.

I plan on continuing with therapy so I can overcome these unresolved emotional issues and move on. 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

I finally cut the chord!He said "Please forgive me if I turned out to be a burden on your life", and that he would respect my decision to not be friends or associate anymore.

Congratulations. Great step forward after realizing what a clown he turned out to be. Delete and block him. Egotists like this tend to fish for ego supply from known sources.

[ladyglam]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Congratulations. Great step forward after realizing what a clown he turned out to be. Delete and block him. Egotists like this tend to fish for ego supply from known sources.

Thank you, I appreciate that! I’ve never had a crappier two months in my life. My self esteem and confidence has hit a new low, I lost 10 pounds in a few weeks, haven’t eaten or slept, my business has suffered.
 

The experience with him reminded me of another guy who I let treat me like crap too and the roller coaster of emotions. They were both so similar that they’d say almost the exact same things when tearing me down. I have a lot of inner work to do though. 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, ladyglam said:

Thank you, I appreciate that! I’ve never had a crappier two months in my life. My self esteem and confidence has hit a new low, I lost 10 pounds in a few weeks, haven’t eaten or slept, my business has suffered.
 

The experience with him reminded me of another guy who I let treat me like crap too and the roller coaster of emotions. They were both so similar that they’d say almost the exact same things when tearing me down. I have a lot of inner work to do though. 

Wow.  This is really off the charts.  You never even actually dated this guy and from your OP you only interacted with him minimally.

Please do not date until you get some help.  You seem like you'll give your personal power and self esteem away to anybody who shows up.  You don't even need to know them.  That is self destructive, as you know.

[ladyglam]

25 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Wow.  This is really off the charts.  You never even actually dated this guy and from your OP you only interacted with him minimally.

Please do not date until you get some help.  You seem like you'll give your personal power and self esteem away to anybody who shows up.  You don't even need to know them.  That is self destructive, as you know.

Yea, it’s bad. I’m extremely lonely right now, it’s hit a new low. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. 
 

This is a 180 from my usual self. I’ve always been independent, had a successful career as a professional athlete and in the tech industry. I feel my relationship with my parents and immediate family is shifting as I’m growing apart from them. I never thought that would happen but am starting to notice the major dysfunction in my family, that has shaped my life.

I only have “party friends”, no real deep friendships. I live alone, work alone, and my mental health is suffering greatly. 

To be honest, I often wonder why I’m still even here. Everyone thinks my life is perfect. Tall, athletic, attractive, intelligent but I’m suffering inside in silence.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, ladyglam said:

They were both so similar that they’d say almost the exact same things when tearing me down.

It's good that you recognize this. Abusers tend to share a similar MO. The goal is to tear you down until you believe that nobody else would want you. That's how they isolate you.

Keep up the great work, and trust that there are good people in the world, and you deserve to know them, love them and allow them to love you back.

[ladyglam]

40 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

It's good that you recognize this. Abusers tend to share a similar MO. The goal is to tear you down until you believe that nobody else would want you. That's how they isolate you.

Keep up the great work, and trust that there are good people in the world, and you deserve to know them, love them and allow them to love you back.

Thank you ☺️ 

[catfeeder]

20 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

I’m extremely lonely right now, it’s hit a new low. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. 
 

Think of it as being 'darkest before the dawn...'. it's a cliche' because it's a universal truth.

You are doing the work. Not everyone can work therapy. It's not a one-size-fits-all remedy. But you are recognizing important things.

Therapy rarely feels 'good' when it's working, and that's exactly why a lot of people ditch it prematurely. But consider the necessary messes you make whenever you are clearing out and cleaning up your home. Sometimes things need to get ugly even while they are getting better.

It sounds like you needed to mess with this guy to show yourself something important. Despite the discomfort, your are ready to see it now.

I'm also sorry that you are seeing some uncomfortable things about your family at this time. That's also big progress. Ask your therapist to help you learn ways of coping with using your newly discovered 'adult' vision to reconcile the things your child eyes could not see.

This is a rite of passage time of flipping the script, where the child grows into the adult in the relationship even while the parents regress. You'll see them for the imperfect humans they are, and while that can destabilize you for a while, it will teach you whether you can adopt compassion for them, or not.

Head high.

[ladyglam]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Think of it as being 'darkest before the dawn...'. it's a cliche' because it's a universal truth.

You are doing the work. Not everyone can work therapy. It's not a one-size-fits-all remedy. But you are recognizing important things.

Therapy rarely feels 'good' when it's working, and that's exactly why a lot of people ditch it prematurely. But consider the necessary messes you make whenever you are clearing out and cleaning up your home. Sometimes things need to get ugly even while they are getting better.

It sounds like you needed to mess with this guy to show yourself something important. Despite the discomfort, your are ready to see it now.

I'm also sorry that you are seeing some uncomfortable things about your family at this time. That's also big progress. Ask your therapist to help you learn ways of coping with using your newly discovered 'adult' vision to reconcile the things your child eyes could not see.

This is a rite of passage time of flipping the script, where the child grows into the adult in the relationship even while the parents regress. You'll see them for the imperfect humans they are, and while that can destabilize you for a while, it will teach you whether you can adopt compassion for them, or not.

Head high.

Thank you so much ☺️ I think that’s why I tried to latch onto this guy. I’m growing apart from my toxic family and friends and want someone in my life but he’s not the right choice. I used to talk to my parents multiple times a day. I’ve tremendously limited my contact with both of them. I rarely see my brother. We have some of the same issues though, makes sense considering we grew up in the same household. Yes, I’ll take your advice and hold off on dating until I’m feeling healed as I continue therapy. 

[catfeeder]

24 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

Thank you so much ☺️ I think that’s why I tried to latch onto this guy. I’m growing apart from my toxic family and friends and want someone in my life but he’s not the right choice. I used to talk to my parents multiple times a day. I’ve tremendously limited my contact with both of them. I rarely see my brother. We have some of the same issues though, makes sense considering we grew up in the same household. Yes, I’ll take your advice and hold off on dating until I’m feeling healed as I continue therapy. 

I hear. You're disrupting your life by clearing your address book and limiting family contact, which is actually a really positive thing despite feeling lousy. This is also a common stage-of-life ritual that adults tend to pull off one or more times over a lifespan.

This also prompts lots of people to consider some folks from their past as possible 'new' playmates. That of itself isn't a problem, except that we tend to carry glamorized memories. So, just as with reconnecting with people during or after a school reunion, we have to make room for the reality that shared memories don't mean that a given person is not a total stranger today.

One bad experience doesn't paint ALL past friendships with the same brush. We just need to be cautiously open to reality--not blinded by nostalgia.

Another consideration for new friendships might be to pursue an interest you can share with some much older people. Think of elders as mentors. You both get something from the connection.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, ladyglam said:

Yes, I’ll take your advice and hold off on dating until I’m feeling healed as I continue therapy.

That would be best.

It's time to take care of you, without any man around as a safety net. This whole situation with this man can be a teachable moment for you, and be the turning point you needed to start taking steps towards a better, healthier you. 

[Batya33]

I agree with no dating for now since you're making very unhealthy choices and I would consider socializing in environments with like minded people.  For example can you volunteer in a situation where those in need could benefit from your athletic abilities?

[ladyglam]

I’ve had a nightmare every night for the last week about this guy and situation 😭. 

I once had a young, attractive boss in the tech industry who bullied me relentlessly. He tried to aggressively pursue me sexually and when I declined his advances the bullying became worse. Everyone saw it but no one helped me. He would come to my desk and scream at me, he reprimanded me for little things. He would tell me as a dark haired gal that blondes were better and more ideal for him.

This may sound silly but the nightmare I had last night was that the guy I liked started dating an attractive blonde woman and I was devastated. I woke up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, ladyglam said:

I’ve had a nightmare every night for the last week about this guy and situation 😭. 

I once had a young, attractive boss in the tech industry who bullied me relentlessly. He tried to aggressively pursue me sexually and when I declined his advances the bullying became worse. Everyone saw it but no one helped me. He would come to my desk and scream at me, he reprimanded me for little things. He would tell me as a dark haired gal that blondes were better and more ideal for him.

This may sound silly but the nightmare I had last night was that the guy I liked started dating an attractive blonde woman and I was devastated. I woke up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night.

I'm so sorry you had a nightmare.  I hope it fades out some and you can go on with your day.

[ladyglam]

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with no dating for now since you're making very unhealthy choices and I would consider socializing in environments with like minded people.  For example can you volunteer in a situation where those in need could benefit from your athletic abilities?

Great idea. I definitely need more like minded people around me. I’m thinking about leaving the social groups I’m part of where I met that guy. I’m more extroverted and have noticed that lots of the people in the group are socially awkward or introverted. Not saying that’s bad, but the men in these group have zero personality and are toxic. I’ve been wanting to look for a different social circle.

[boltnrun]

Since you are athletic, can you join a social sports team or meetup group? I see posts all the time for people looking for others to play pickleball or bike ride with.