HELP! Should i forget him?

[ElizabethI]

Please someone give me sound advice here. I have specifically created this account just to ask this. Sorry it's kinda long but i plan to pour my whole heart out!

So I met this very hot guy in the Sauna (while going through my separation). From the moment he said hallo to me we just connected instantly. It was like magic.

We ended up sitting in a quiet corner just the two of us chatting away. We had dinner together that same day and a few drinks then we went out to the local bar.

By the 3rd date we just could not stop kissing! It was MAGNETIC! A real pull towards one another.

We ended up touring a museum and just kissing the whole time. The tour guide could tell we were not paying attention to her and even remarked,"Can the two of you look at what i am showing you for just a sec! I mean you did pay"...That's how annoying we were.

Like teens- giggling, kissing, holding hands just being soooo into one another. He is 32 and i am 33 but we were like highschool kids the whole time and we both agreed it had been such a great date.

We didn't text much mostly coz we both worked crazy shifts but maybe coz he just did not want to. I don't know!

4th and 5th date were chill and i decided to tell him about my marriage etc. I was so surprised at how cool and understanding he was about it all. I expected him to RUN!

But he did not.

Infact he sounded like he wants me to divorce ASAP so he can have me all to himself. 

My separation/divorce is a process that's taking months coz my ex is protecting his money and hidding assets etc. So the divorce isn't about to be finalized anytime soon but he did not seem to mind. He was super sweet about it.

So we talked alot of private things and he kept saying how he wants me FOREVER. He kept insisting on the FOREVER part. He just wanted to spend his life with me. He said soooo much and promised sooo much!

By like the 8th or 10 th date- (still no sex but at this point we had already had 2 very hot & steamy make out sessions! We both loved it), he said he had things to confess to me. 

I listened and tried not to sound judgemental or holier-than-thou especially coz he had not been judgemental about my own situation.

So his situation:

1)He is from jail for stabbing a guy but luckily the guy did not die.

2)He used to be in a crew. They gang banged.

3)He sold and used cocaine for about 4 years.

But he turned his life around in 2014 when his ex girlfriend's father became his mentor.

He says he has been clean since 2014 coz his ex girlfriend's dad was very hard on him. The ex-girlfriend's dad was a reformed mob boss himself so he knew all the tricks in the book. This guy could not lie to him or play games- and so he said he gave him the tough love he needed. He was very hard on him.

Laid down the rules that if he wanted to keep dating his daughter he had to be clean.

Got him into rehab, got him a job, moved him to a different city away from his old crew, supported him mentally, emotionally and financially. 

That relationship did not work out but he obviously still has mad respect for that family especially the dad.

I listened, i reassures him, i was encouraging. Told him i was proud of him and i am glad he told me. At this point we were both sooo loving, kind to one another and into one another 100% We were soooo transparent. Telling one another our deepest secrets, fears etc..

We went out swimming, we went out for lunch, for drinks at the bar etc. It was just a beautiful time.

Then out of nowhere- i text him like,"Hey are we still going to the wine festival tomorrow evening?"

AND BOOM!

"Listen baby, i am a bad guy. I will bring you nothing but pain. You are sooo precious. So kind, so nice with such a pure heart. I truly enjoyed your company. You are sooo gorgeous but please let's forget this. Forget all this! I need to focus on my life. I can't promise u anything but if the universe decides to bring us together later then maybe! Chao"

That is what he texted me!!! FROM LITERALLY NO WHERE!!! Everything was fine! But that is what he texted!!! I was numb! One of those things where you don't even know what to feel!

I replied- "What a shame. I was willing to change everything for you. For us. But if that's what u want, then all the best. Bye" dropped my phone and slept day and night!!!

A week later- i am chilling in the Sauna after a night out with friends and guess who walks into the Sauna with a girl in his arm????! Yeah you guessed it!!!

At this point too many questions are floating in my mind- "could it be a black thing???" (TO BE HONEST THAT WAS MY FIRST THOUGHT. I am sorry to bring up race but i am only being brutally honest here! See he is white and i am black.)

He walked in with this very skinny white girl. Side note: i haven't described her as "skinny" in a condescending way- no not at all. I respect people of all sizes but just that he was obsessed with my curves and kept talking of how i was the hottest, sexiest woman with the biggest behind he had ever been with! Kept saying how he can't wait to *you know what*

She looked like the complete opposite of me. I am more natural and smooth. She had heavy dark metal rock makeup and that whole hard rock look "dead eyes" very skinny and not particularly pretty. Again i am not trying to be mean. She looked more like someone who does drugs complete with the "dog chains". So i thought to myself "no way this hot guy finds her pretty".

I mean especially coz he thought i was gorgeous. And truth be told- i do look good so i was like "this must be a race thing" i did not know what else to think. I am sorry but i was soooo confused!

I also thought,"uuummm a week? REALLY???? He is hooking up after a week???? Did we not have something? Could he have been just a player this whole time?"

 

Honestly i was so hurt.

 

He then walks up to me outside the Sauna with the "dead eyes" girl in his arm and says, "Oh i didn't expect to see you here. How are you? I thought you work weekends? Are u good. Is everything alright?"

 

WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE????? Is all i could think!!! I smiled and answered i am fine.

His date looked high the whole time and she just waved at me. But truth be told- despite how she looked- she did have "good vibes"...There was no bad energy from her. Or maybe she was too drunk to care! I don't know!

I just answered him real quick and just left the place all together! DAY RUINED! I was just crashed inside!!!

It's been 2 days and i feel broken! WHAT IS THIS?????? I need insight before i lose my mind here. Please someone break it down for me. Thanks!

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It seems like you dodged a bullet. He may not be as clean and sober as he claimed. This is a character thing, not a race thing. 

[ElizabethI]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems like you dodged a bullet. He may not be as clean and sober as he claimed. This is a character thing, not a race thing. 

Thanks man. It sucks!

[Cherylyn]

Yes! 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, ElizabethI said:

"Listen baby, i am a bad guy. I will bring you nothing but pain. You are sooo precious. So kind, so nice with such a pure heart. I truly enjoyed your company. You are sooo gorgeous but please let's forget this. Forget all this! I need to focus on my life. I can't promise u anything but if the universe decides to bring us together later then maybe! Chao"

That is what he texted me!!! FROM LITERALLY NO WHERE!!! Everything was fine!

Listen to him!! When someone tells you that he is bad, BELIEVE him. 

You know what I think happened? He hooked up with someone else. It might have been the girl he brought to the sauna. It might have been a completely different person. But after you spent that awesome day together, I think he went from your arms straight into someone else's. Why? Because he's self-destructive. When something good comes along, he shoots it out of the sky. This is someone to avoid!!

1 hour ago, ElizabethI said:

i do look good so i was like "this must be a race thing" i did not know what else to think. I am sorry but i was soooo confused!

You are beating yourself up. I agree with wiseman: this is a character thing, not a race thing!

[ElizabethI]

14 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Listen to him!! When someone tells you that he is bad, BELIEVE him. 

You know what I think happened? He hooked up with someone else. It might have been the girl he brought to the sauna. It might have been a completely different person. But after you spent that awesome day together, I think he went from your arms straight into someone else's. Why? Because he's self-destructive. When something good comes along, he shoots it out of the sky. This is someone to avoid!!

You are beating yourself up. I agree with wiseman: this is a character thing, not a race thing!

Much appreciated. Thanks. This hurts like crazy. More than it should but thank you.

[Tinydance]

Well I'm not sure it has anything to do with race or how you look. It sounds more like this guy actually is a player and/or maybe he mostly just wanted sex. Maybe because you didn't have sex with him fast and it looked like you wanted a relationship, that's why he lost interest. I think the fact that he was acting so full-on and saying he wanted you "forever" doesn't really sound genuine. Sounds like he was just telling you what you wanted to hear. 

Also if he was already with another woman just a week later, as you can see it's easy for him to just pick up women whenever he wants. And he obviously didn't care much how you felt because he brought her to the same spa where he met you. I don't think he cared if you saw them together or not or he was even trying to deliberately show you what he's all about.

I think for myself personally, I could give someone a chance if they used to be addicted to drugs but got clean. But I'm not sure how I'd feel if they actually stabbed a person and they went to jail. I mean yeah the person didn't die but what if they had died or became permanently disabled or disfigured? To me that type of violence would probably be a deal breaker. 

I know there are women who write to guys in jail and even marry those guys and things like that. I watched a documentary about this and some women actually married someone who was on death row! Personally I don't think I'd want to be with someone in jail because there are plenty of other men out there who haven't been in jail.

 

[ElizabethI]

16 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Listen to him!! When someone tells you that he is bad, BELIEVE him. 

You know what I think happened? He hooked up with someone else. It might have been the girl he brought to the sauna. It might have been a completely different person. But after you spent that awesome day together, I think he went from your arms straight into someone else's. Why? Because he's self-destructive. When something good comes along, he shoots it out of the sky. This is someone to avoid!!

You are beating yourself up. I agree with wiseman: this is a character thing, not a race thing!

Okay. I really felt so so so down. But oh well. Thanks for the input.

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, ElizabethI said:

Okay. I really felt so so so down. But oh well. Thanks for the input.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel worse. I've just seen this sort of cowardly behavior before, with one of my sister's boyfriends. She was blindsided when he broke up with her so abruptly, but I knew exactly why he did it--I had overheard something about him the night before and he was afraid I'd tell her. 

There's never not a reason for something like that.

[ElizabethI]

10 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I'm not sure it has anything to do with race or how you look. It sounds more like this guy actually is a player and/or maybe he mostly just wanted sex. Maybe because you didn't have sex with him fast and it looked like you wanted a relationship, that's why he lost interest. I think the fact that he was acting so full-on and saying he wanted you "forever" doesn't really sound genuine. Sounds like he was just telling you what you wanted to hear. 

Also if he was already with another woman just a week later, as you can see it's easy for him to just pick up women whenever he wants. And he obviously didn't care much how you felt because he brought her to the same spa where he met you. I don't think he cared if you saw them together or not or he was even trying to deliberately show you what he's all about.

I think for myself personally, I could give someone a chance if they used to be addicted to drugs but got clean. But I'm not sure how I'd feel if they actually stabbed a person and they went to jail. I mean yeah the person didn't die but what if they had died or became permanently disabled or disfigured? To me that type of violence would probably be a deal breaker. 

I know there are women who write to guys in jail and even marry those guys and things like that. I watched a documentary about this and some women actually married someone who was on death row! Personally I don't think I'd want to be with someone in jail because there are plenty of other men out there who haven't been in jail.

 

Thanks for the insight. God bless. This whole thing is just soooo bad!!! So what- He is a perfect liar?! It's one of those things you wonder why it happened to you!!! Why did i have to meet him and why did he talk to me???! Like why me??? Why did it feel soooo real! Especially the last kiss on a bridge. It was sooooo real with him whispering in my ear how he can't believe his feeling this way! I just can't wait for my divorce to be finalized so i can leave this small town!!! That might sound extreme but this guy has me messed up! Whose to say i won't bump into him again and again making me feel worse and worse! It sucks- i just want to go away somewhere far! But thanks.

[ElizabethI]

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel worse. I've just seen this sort of cowardly behavior before, with one of my sister's boyfriends. She was blindsided when he broke up with her so abruptly, but I knew exactly why he did it--I had overheard something about him the night before and he was afraid I'd tell her. 

There's never not a reason for something like that.

Thank you. Actually i feel a tiny bit better after ranting and seeing that people are not shocked. It somehow makes me realize that i am not alone. It happens to other women *sigh*

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, ElizabethI said:

She looked like the complete opposite of me. I am more natural and smooth. She had heavy dark metal rock makeup and that whole hard rock look "dead eyes" very skinny and not particularly pretty. Again i am not trying to be mean. She looked more like someone who does drugs complete with the "dog chains". So i thought to myself "no way this hot guy finds her pretty".

I mean especially coz he thought i was gorgeous. And truth be told- i do look good so i was like "this must be a race thing" i did not know what else to think. I am sorry but i was soooo confused!

I also thought,"uuummm a week? REALLY???? He is hooking up after a week???? Did we not have something? Could he have been just a player this whole time?"

You need to remember, you two only dated a few times.. this was not a long-term relationship, so he was NOT emotionally invested in you 😕 .  yup, they can move on quite easily.

You really don't know him too well.. right? So, you don't know if he's getting back into drugs etc or not.  

Now, how about you respect him and yourself.. you accept and move on.  No loss 😉 .

 So yeah.. forget about it!

Believe me, you CAN find better, lol

[ElizabethI]

3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You need to remember, you two only dated a few times.. this was not a long-term relationship, so he was NOT emotionally invested in you 😕 .  yup, they can move on quite easily.

You really don't know him too well.. right? So, you don't know if he's getting back into drugs etc or not.  

Now, how about you respect him and yourself.. you accept and move on.  No loss 😉 .

 So yeah.. forget about it!

Believe me, you CAN find better, lol

Easier said than done but thank you anyway. I just thought ...i only thought.....I mean i really did think that this was it!!! We connected. It flowed. He said it was easy and comfortable.....One time i was like "raise your glass baby- a toast" And then we both wondered to what? And he stood up and yelled to the whole bar,"listen up people i'm gonna marry this woman someday! A toast to that."....I was blushing so badly all those strangers cheering! I mean how great of an actor, a liar, can a man be. It hurts to think of all these little moments! Argh!

But thanks for insight- God bless!

[Tinydance]

35 minutes ago, ElizabethI said:

Thanks for the insight. God bless. This whole thing is just soooo bad!!! So what- He is a perfect liar?! It's one of those things you wonder why it happened to you!!! Why did i have to meet him and why did he talk to me???! Like why me??? Why did it feel soooo real! Especially the last kiss on a bridge. It was sooooo real with him whispering in my ear how he can't believe his feeling this way! I just can't wait for my divorce to be finalized so i can leave this small town!!! That might sound extreme but this guy has me messed up! Whose to say i won't bump into him again and again making me feel worse and worse! It sucks- i just want to go away somewhere far! But thanks.

How long have you been separated from your ex-husband? Unfortunately once you start dating again, you do come across a lot of players, people that just want sex, weird people, etc. Lol You asked why you. It's not just you, it does actually happen to everyone! My best friend is beautiful and she did a lot of online dating. She had one guy acting into her but he was pushing for sex. She really liked him and once they had sex, he was like: "Sorry I'm going back to my ex-wife". Maybe he wasn't even separated and was actually cheating on his wife!

Once you start putting yourself out there it unfortunately does mean you might meet some bad guys. But you can also meet some good people. I mean, this guy said to you: "Listen, I'm a bad guy". Whether he's referring to his past lifestyle or a player lifestyle or both, he's telling you who he really is. When someone actually calls themselves bad, it's for a reason, right?

[Whirling D]

This is a tough story to read. I’m so sorry this happened to you, especially when you are so vulnerable.

there are multiple trauma based mental health conditions that would cause somebody like him to be like they are… It’s even quite possible that he really did like you, but something snapped in his brain when it became too emotionally complicated for him.

One way or another, as I think wise said, you dodged a bullet. You should use whatever technique or tools you have in your tool chest to get you through the next few days or months, because the pain will subside, and you will begin to feel back to normal… you will likely even feel the wiser because of it.

and if anything, this might bring you a little bit of the reality that you are attractive to potential suitors out here, and you will meet people that will be tickled by your fancy… 🙂

Hopefully, whoever you find next will not have the same characteristics… 😟😵‍💫

[ElizabethI]

26 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

How long have you been separated from your ex-husband? Unfortunately once you start dating again, you do come across a lot of players, people that just want sex, weird people, etc. Lol You asked why you. It's not just you, it does actually happen to everyone! My best friend is beautiful and she did a lot of online dating. She had one guy acting into her but he was pushing for sex. She really liked him and once they had sex, he was like: "Sorry I'm going back to my ex-wife". Maybe he wasn't even separated and was actually cheating on his wife!

Once you start putting yourself out there it unfortunately does mean you might meet some bad guys. But you can also meet some good people. I mean, this guy said to you: "Listen, I'm a bad guy". Whether he's referring to his past lifestyle or a player lifestyle or both, he's telling you who he really is. When someone actually calls themselves bad, it's for a reason, right?

Thanks. Never knew the dating life got this difficult. Was married 5 years! We've been separated 8 months and as soon as i regained alittle confidence, stick my neck out, someone's already ready to chop off my whole head! Life is so unfair! Men - i just got back to the game! But thanks for reading my rant and giving input. Just knowing people get it makes me feel better.

[ElizabethI]

1 minute ago, Whirling D said:

This is a tough story to read. I’m so sorry this happened to you, especially when you are so vulnerable.

there are multiple trauma based mental health conditions that would cause somebody like him to be like they are… It’s even quite possible that he really did like you, but something snapped in his brain when it became too emotionally complicated for him.

One way or another, as I think wise said, you dodged a bullet. You should use whatever technique or tools you have in your tool chest to get you through the next few days or months, because the pain will subside, and you will begin to feel back to normal… you will likely even feel the wiser because of it.

and if anything, this might bring you a little bit of the reality that you are attractive to potential suitors out here, and you will meet people that will be tickled by your fancy… 🙂

Hopefully, whoever you find next will not have the same characteristics… 😟😵‍💫

That part where you said "If anything, this might bring you a little bit of the reality that you are attractive to potential suitors"......Man i needed to read that pheewww! Words can have so much power. I mean he is hot and was all goo gooo ga ga about me so yeah there's hope lol! Thanks!

[shouldhavelearned]

Stay strong and be happy it ended now.

He is slipping and it would have been trouble for you.

[catfeeder]

He wouldn’t be with someone who is a wasted mess if he was still clean.

He’s not clean.

He was either not clean when you were dating and was full of BS, or he jumped back into his old ways since then and opted to set you free.

Either way, you’ve dodged a bullet.

He didn’t ditch you from a lack of attraction, he knows what he is and credits you as too smart to fool. So he’s not going to try, and he’s doing you a favor.

The guy is either dealing again or using again or both. That kind of life could get him killed. Like, today. So distancing you from himself was the best thing he could have done for you.

If he wasn’t lying while with you, then he may have rung a chime inside his own head by recounting his past to you. It may have occurred to him that he was no longer accountable to his ex’s father, so that door to fast money was wide open to him.

You don’t need or want that in your life, do you?

Consider this experience as affirming that you are still attractive and love-able. You just crossed paths with the wrong guy—and he’s not likely to be the only one. Bad matches are the stuff we all need to sift through to find a good one, so don’t get discouraged too easily. You’ll need a thicker skin for the dating world, but this timing has hit you while you’re still vulnerable and not even divorced yet.

My heart goes out to you, but I think you have what it takes to use this experience wisely without damaging yourself and your future over it.

You are worth far more than it takes to allow some charming drug dealer to derail you.

Head high.

[ElizabethI]

I just screenshot this reply. I will keep it nearby and read it every now and then. You have no idea how encouraging it felt reading it. Especially the part where you pointed out that the timing was all wrong. He did this when i am vulnerable. Now i understand why it hit me more than it should. Thanks man. God bless.

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others. I’m sorry you’re upset and disappointed.  Also I would get tested for STDs just in case. I hope you feel better. 

[ElizabethI]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with all the others. I’m sorry you’re upset and disappointed.  Also I would get tested for STDs just in case. I hope you feel better. 

Thanks i will. Eeeewww i kissed him 🤭😅 Thank you for that 👍🏼

[Kwothe28]

15 hours ago, ElizabethI said:

2)He used to be in a crew. They gang banged.

I am sorry but this is just too funny. Because by this he was in a gang and they all had an orgy. Which I am 99% sure you didnt mean it but it does sound like that. 🤣

Also it does sounds so stereotypical. Only thing missing is if you are a curvy black woman and that he replaced you with skinny white one. Heck even if you are a white woman, it does play into a stereotype of him liking white women. Something black women complain on internet all the time and how "white women take their men" lol

Though I wouldnt look at it through race. There are many cases like yours here on Forum and none is connected to race. You just ran into "a player". Somebody who would "wine and dine" you for some fun. When he found another "fun"(if he even didnt go out with both of you simultaneously) he just ditched you. I mean, why do you think he was OK with you being still married? But you read that as him being "so into you that he just wanted to have you all for himself". His whole "vibe" is so pushy that you should have seen that way sooner. But hey, he was "hot" so you were flattered he was so into you and didnt care to read the signs properly.

[Starlight925]

Look up "Love Bombing".

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing/#:~:text=Love bombing is a form,Excessive flattery and praise.

Love Bombers are often people with addictive personalities, who "love bomb" so that they can feel the hot heat of their target, only to move on quickly once they realize the target is "theirs".  The thrill is no longer there, so they must feed their addiction, through another target.

Once he shared his truth with you, and you accepted, he was like....um ok, she's cool with all this, she's not going to run.  So I am.  Because the thrill, for him, is gone, unfortunately.

She is just his flavor of the day.  If you both go to the same sauna, you will see him with others in the future.  In fact, If I had to guess, he's bringing this girl just so that you will, by chance, run into him, because the jealousy he's sure you'll feel also feeds him.

I'd venture  to guess  that you'll see him with girls of other ethnicities, other hair colors, etc., as, to him, it's not interesting if it's not different from the last.

I'm so sorry you experienced this.  Such a disappointment, to feel like you finally found someone who gets you, who opens up to you, with whom you feel such chemistry, only to.....boom....be done with you.  

I'm not saying he's a Narcissist, but here's a pattern:  Idealize, Devalue, Replace, Discard.  I don't know about the Devalue stage, i.e., I'm not sure if he devalued you (although he may have, to her), but all the other 3 are right on target.  He "has" to do this, to feel his own worth.

Head held high, my dear.  Something about the way you write, tells me that you are a beautiful woman, with a heart of gold.  Hold out for the right man, and don't promise to change your life for anyone, as you are just great as is.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, ElizabethI said:

Thanks i will. Eeeewww i kissed him 🤭😅 Thank you for that 👍🏼

You're very fortunate to get out of this. However, given his history, of drug use and promiscuity, please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical health. Get some tests done , especially STDs and blood borne diseases such as HIV and hepatitis. While the chances from just kissing are a bit less, many bloodborne infections can be transmitted this way.