How can I learn to support my (f27) husband(m29) throughout his countless business ventures?

[mostrandomusername]

My husband was born in Colombia and was raised with a business mindset, to work on your own no matter what; his father and uncles own businesses. It was one of the things I loved about him. He came down here to the states and started working for his friend since he wasn't able to get a real job due to his English - which continues to be an obstacle today.

Since we've been together, (1 year and some change) he's been picking up things and trying to find financial freedom. He has always been against working as an employee so he tried to pick up a bunch of self-employment gigs and courses. The thing is, he is scared to fail, or choose the wrong path, and he is very, very indecisive. But he will pick up any shiny new "get rich quick" thing that the internet gurus dangle in his face! It's concerning. 

Below I will outline the history of his business ventures. But for now, let's start with the present day one and my concerns. 

His most recent venture/idea: to open up an online business, amazon reselling. We agreed it would probably take time for the business to grow and so we agreed he wouldn't quit and would keep working a few more months until the business started taking off. Even his mentors advised this. 

Well, his job is getting increasingly more physically demanding and he feels that he no longer withstands being on his feet 8 hours a day. So just this morning he told me he will need to resign soon. Like, sooner than we had agreed, in about 3 months actually. We're moving into an apartment in a month. He argues that he has enough savings to live on for a year, in other words, he has enough to pay his half of our expenses for a year.. the problem is he can't just get into another job because of his English. He is very, very limited in his options (if any) so that just makes things even more challenging. 

(For reference: We each make roughly $2,400 a month... and god forbid something happens because neither of us can support the other.) 

This obviously caught me off guard as we had specifically agreed that he wouldn't quit his job cold turkey without anything to rely on. He got very upset with me and asked me, "well how else am I going to do it?! And then he said, "some days you support me and other days you don't. And that's how we are."

This hit me. He wasn't 100% right but he wasn't 100% wrong either. I do feel that I am hot and cold in regards to how I support him, but that's because it is so hard with how all over the place he tends to be. I feel horrible about that because thats what marriage is about. Unconditional love and support. And what am I showing..

And then in a very stern and almost  rude voice he said, "I need to dedicate 100% of my time on my business and that's what I'm going to do." 

Now the history of his business ventures: He first tried door-to-door sales, (solar panels, and water filters) but didn't quite pursue it seriously, and also got pretty lazy bc he had to walk a lot, and be in the sun, and the rain. I actually did it with him. 

Then he started a coding program to earn an online certificate, which he just finished! He hopes to get a job in that. 

Then, he had us split $2,000 to pay for a real estate investment course. Come to find out you need at least $70,000 or to be in contact with investors. 

Then he found out you could pay a trading company to give you a trading account and $50,000 and do live trading - and he managed to get somewhat far (?) but it had a bunch of pointless rules and if you violated the rules they revoked your account and he did, and lost the account. 

Then in the summer, he was still against working regular job so he started doing Uber eats, Amazon deliveries. His car started to fail due to stress of driving so much so he had to stop. 

Then he started working a regular 9 to 5 job, as he ran out of money (savings) and had to start making ends meet again. His schedule was chosen so that he could do trading in the mornings. I thought this was insane but, he was willing to take the risk. And then he told me he wanted to quit his job to pursue a faceless YouTube channel about soccer, and that if it didn't work out in 6 months he'd go back to work. And more recently, he found out about the flipping houses industry and wants to get into THAT as well but there's a mentoring course that is recommended to get your foot in the door I guess, and he doesn't have time or money. As you can probably tell, the man has many many many ventures/ideas. 

So, what's going to be different this time around? How do I know he's going to stick to something? And just the overall instability just stresses me out. But I guess that's how businesses are built when you have to do it all yourself... Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way in a better position than him, I don't even have a career! But I think I have more of a direction and am not as impulsive to jump into the next get rich scheme that I hear about.. I do know what I want to pursue (content creation) and it is also self-employment but it is going to be a lonnnnng road. 

We just got married this month and although I was happy on the day of, I feel like *** now because obviously partnership and marriage requires support. I remember him saying that the primary reason why his last relationship didn't work out; she didn't support him.  That stood out from me since the beginning. I tried to hint at him the fact that I wanted us to grow individually in our careers and such before we made the choice to get married, (which was a big concern of mine before we got together, not in the sense of I wanted a partner with a lot of money, or a successful career but I did have personal career goals that I wanted to accomplish prior to getting into another relationship. I made this clear to him in the beginning. He understood and pretty much told me the same thing.) 

Well of course we ended up falling in love, and while we did not throw out our pursuits out of the window, now we do kinda struggle with juggling our relationship and our personal goals... again, something I wanted to make sure I avoided.... 

I didn't want to mention this bc I felt like I was giving him the impression that where we currently were at in life, wasn't good enough to decide to commit. Ugh. So I dropped it. And now I'm at a crossroads because I really don't know if I have it in me to continue to ride on these countless rollercoasters that I've been on. Part me of feels horrible because he is trying. He is trying so hard to make something of himself. I love him and the love he gives is so pure..  but I often question how genuine  MY love is...  and if it's conditional or not. 
 

I'm wondering if I should just wait out a year, see what happens, if the business grows and somehow starts paying the bills...if not, we're honestly so screwed.

any insight or advice would be invaluable, the wisdom on here is unmatched!! Thank you in advance. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you may be perpetually poor if you enable his pipedreaming (what he likes to call supporting his business ventures).

Since you are married unfortunately this unites you financially including debt. Isn't he interested in talking ESL courses? Or improving his employability or financial status at all?

Was this marriage rushed for visa or residency issues? What would happen if you annul the marriage? 

Start saving for your future try to open an account that he can't squander money from.

[mostrandomusername]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you may be perpetually poor if you enable his pipedreaming (what he likes to call supporting his business ventures).

Since you are married unfortunately this unites you financially including debt. Isn't he interested in talking ESL courses? Or improving his employability or financial status at all?

Was this marriage rushed for visa or residency issues? What would happen if you annul the marriage? 

Start saving for your future try to open an account that he can't squander money from.

It was not rushed, he already has a work permit. I guess he just saw it as full-on commitment and I didn't want him to think I didn't want to be with him. I'll be honest I wasn't 100% there yet but decided to jump in anyway. It's scary.. I don't know what the future holds for us and I really did want to try my best to avoid this feeling. But that life I guess. 
 

I do have my own savings account.

mind if I ask, why do you call it pipedreaming?

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, mostrandomusername said:

 why do you call it pipedreaming?

Because they are unrealistic get rich schemes that drain rather than make money. Please be careful with your finances. Try not to enable him.

[ElizabethI]

Sorry but you just MUST be direct with him. Do not sugar coat anything. In my view it's great to dream but dreaming without a do-able strategy is just building castles in the air. You have to confront this HEAD ON. All the best

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, mostrandomusername said:

We just got married this month and although I was happy on the day of, I feel like *** now because obviously partnership and marriage requires support. I remember him saying that the primary reason why his last relationship didn't work out; she didn't support him. 

Hmmmm.... I wonder if she didn't 'support' him for the same reasons that have caused you to find it impossible? 

Something I learned when I was dating was to avoid guys who badmouthed or blamed their exes. They invariably tried to manipulate me with guilt trips or through comparison with their so-called 'evil' exes.

I know it's a little late for you to run the other way, but keep in mind that some people avoid taking responsibility for their own actions by pinning the blame on other people. With him, it's too much heat or too much cold or too much walking or too much driving or too much standing.

You're remembering the story with the ex because you don't want him to blame you for this relationship not working out--just as he blamed his ex. But you have to absolve yourself of that guilt. Think about her side of things, now that you find yourself struggling to support him. How can you possibly support someone who blames everything else but himself for giving up?

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Because they are unrealistic get rich schemes that drain rather than make money. Please be careful with your finances. Try not to enable him.

Yes. This actually reminds me of my Dad. He hated working a 9 - 5 job and kept trying to start some businesses. They all failed and he lost $100, 000 +. It made my mother so stressed that she was going crazy. My Dad was always trying to come up with all these ideas. The only thing that stopped him was he got really sick with late stage cancer. But he's still trying to do some kind of trading even now.

Before I read the part that you were married, I was actually going to suggest that you should end the relationship lol From everything you described it actually doesn't sound like he'd be good at running his own business. The reason is he doesn't actually end up following it through and/or doesn't research it properly before spending a lot of time and money. He seems to be fixated on running his own business but to be a business owner you actually have to have the right finances and most of all skills to succeed.

I don't think there's anything wrong with working for an employer. This is something that most people do and usually people don't look down on it. I don't think that not owning your own business makes someone worse or not as successful as anyone else. It seems your husband's ego doesn't allow him to see things as they really are and try to live realistically.

I think his last relationship ended not because the ex wasn't supportive. But because she got tired of supporting failed business ventures again and again.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, mostrandomusername said:

 I wasn't 100% there yet but decided to jump in anyway. It's scary.. I don't know what the future holds for us and I really did want to try my best to avoid this feeling. 

A lot depends on how you envision your future. If you would like to further your education and career, hope to have a home and family one day, it's not too late to cut your losses and get an annulment.

If you envision living on welfare in someone's basement or a homeless shelter, that is the trajectory you seem to be on now, hoping you can live on love and romance alone. Please don't consider bringing a child into this.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

...to be a business owner you actually have to have the right finances and most of all skills to succeed.

...and even then. most new businesses fail within a year, and those that survive are not profitable for at least another year or two.

So are you ready to 'support' this man financially for the next 3 years (if he's successful) or longer if he continues to fail?

He's already failed to uphold his agreement to continue working for a minimum amount of time, and for a 30 year old to claim that standing on his feet is too laborious sounds ridiculous--as do all of his business schemes to date.

None of us can force reality on the guy, and it's likely that you can't either.

I'd be less concerned with him 'blaming' me for a lack of support should I run to a lawyer to get out of this mess than I would be concerned with ME blaming MYSELF in the near future for failing to act in my own best interests given this guy's unwillingness to keep his promise to continue earning his paycheck for your agreed amount of time.

I'm sorry for your troubles, but you entered this with your eyes open. And way too quickly. I'd cut my losses and protect my future before this guy takes you down with his debts.

[Batya33]

His version of starting businesses is no different than being an employee - the clients or potential clients or customers are your “bosses” really in the same sense. You still need the same work ethic and drive and you need to work the hours that are best for your clients or customers or potential clients or customers whether 9 to 5 or 9 to midnight on a Friday night. 
I’d be careful about having only joint bank accounts with him or being subjected to his bad credit if that’s an issue. I think perhaps you ignored the signs and direct facts about his financial and work values.  Can you pick up some side hustles or a part time job so you can support yourself and or start building a separate nest egg?

I’m truly sorry you’re in this situation. I’d proceed with an entirely practical and logistical approach. Take care of you!!

[Jaunty]

This guy is not "marriage material."

[LootieTootie]

Its kind of too late to tell you to run, but you probably should think about having your own savings because I don't see this lasting if he focuses more on making quick cash than getting a career. 

I also echo Wisemen here, he needs to take some ESL courses to improve his English. Pretty sure there's some online courses he can sign up. You need to encourage him to take those since you can't force him to stop his business ventures. Maybe slowly direct him to a path of economic stability, English improvement, then trade schools or jobs he might like that will help pay the bill.

 

 

[SooSad33]

23 hours ago, mostrandomusername said:

(For reference: We each make roughly $2,400 a month... and god forbid something happens because neither of us can support the other.) 

This obviously caught me off guard as we had specifically agreed that he wouldn't quit his job cold turkey without anything to rely on. He got very upset with me and asked me, "well how else am I going to do it?! And then he said, "some days you support me and other days you don't. And that's how we are."

This hit me. He wasn't 100% right but he wasn't 100% wrong either. I do feel that I am hot and cold in regards to how I support him, but that's because it is so hard with how all over the place he tends to be. I feel horrible about that because thats what marriage is about. Unconditional love and support.

Marriage? you're not married.

And you ARE entitled to your opinion in this, I guess.  He doesn't seem to like when you oppose a choice he makes though.. As long as it's all for HIM.

23 hours ago, mostrandomusername said:

Then he started working a regular 9 to 5 job, as he ran out of money (savings) and had to start making ends meet again. His schedule was chosen so that he could do trading in the mornings. I thought this was insane but, he was willing to take the risk. And then he told me he wanted to quit his job to pursue a faceless YouTube channel about soccer, and that if it didn't work out in 6 months he'd go back to work. And more recently, he found out about the flipping houses industry and wants to get into THAT as well but there's a mentoring course that is recommended to get your foot in the door I guess, and he doesn't have time or money. As you can probably tell, the man has many many many ventures/ideas. 

IMO, he seems very unsettled, doesn't know what he wants 😕 ..  Is best that someone IS actually happy with their work and let's it increase/ build to where you see some constant increase in your funds.

23 hours ago, mostrandomusername said:

I often question how genuine  MY love is...  and if it's conditional or not. 
 

I'm wondering if I should just wait out a year, see what happens, if the business grows and somehow starts paying the bills...if not, we're honestly so screwed.

Yeah, sounds like you are falling out of this with him.

Don't move in together, do not advance.  If he's been like this for so long now, do you actually think anything will be any better a year from now?  😕 

 

[Cherylyn]

I'll remain realistic here.  Your husband is reminiscent of my late father who never had stable employment,  always dabbled in various business ventures to no avail and my family (mother and siblings) lived a hand to mouth existence.  We prayed no one got sick nor needed a tooth pulled because we couldn't afford medical care.  Everything was an out-of-pocket expense without insurance.  We drove jalopies,  our house was in shambles and too embarrassing to invite visitors.  I felt ashamed. 

I don't see your marriage lasting long.  I think you should cut your losses,  don't bring children into the world and in the future,  be with a man who has a stable occupation and secure long term finances.  Poor economics ruin many marriages or relationships.  I know because I've already lived it.  It's a miserable situation. 

It's better to be practical in life otherwise each day is a very stressful disaster.  ☹️

[Jaunty]

The best way to support this kind of flaky and unrealistic behavior towards earning a living is to get some training or education that will provide you with an income to support your family.   He's not on that path.  

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Marriage? you're not married.

Yes, she is: 

On 6/17/2023 at 10:12 PM, mostrandomusername said:

We just got married this month

OP, this man is going to drain you in just about every way. His dreams of starting a business are unrealistic when he doesn't seem to have the skills, maturity or clear vision to back it up. He's behaving like a kid here, hopping from one idea to the next without any sense of responsibility. 

Please make sure your own finances are protected. Re-consider whether this man is the one you actually want to spend your life with. I would not have married him, personally, but you don't have to stay in a marriage that makes you uncomfortable and unhappy. 

[kehratha]

I am sorry that you are in this situation.

My experience is telling me that you will never be able to talk this guy into senses.

Some are just like that, always unsatisfied with what they have, living in a dream world of what they could have IF (IF they would have somebody to understand and support them, IF they would know better English, IF they would have better education...and millions of other IF's you can imagine). I had a husband like yours, a big fan of IFs. Meanwhile I had to work my ass off to make the ends meet. Till I didn't. And even now, after 8 yrs of being apart, he's struggling to understand why I ended it (him being an overall nice and kind man). 

In the end, I think they are just lazy bastards, trying to have it easier