Nervous for a date

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well if something is actually a 'dealbreaker' but the person chooses to go forward anyway because the other person is hot (or rich or whatever) and they're hoping for a long term relationship with said person, that's just poor decision making and well, just plain stupid.  Imo.

On the other hand, there are no absolutes.  We might see a red flag early in but proceed forward anyway not knowing the outcome thinking "I'm willing to take the risk as I KNOW I will be okay no matter what the outcome."

This isn't a bad attitude to have imo.   It reflects that the person is "resilient," able to bounce back quickly from adversity or a negative situation IF that is what it turns out to be.  And learning from it.

Resilience is a great quality to have, in dating, in life!  Again my opinion.

It doesn't always turn out to be a negative though even if/when it appears that way at first.  It can totally turn around, I've seen it happen.

Again no absolutes.  It's all essentially a risk anyway even when we DONT see any red flags.

It might even turn out well for Alex!   I mean who knows?  It's been known to happen.

Being resilient is key.  As is knowing you will be OK no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome turns out to be.

Some people are more risk averse than others.   They refuse to take any risks, perhaps because they're not confident they will be okay if it doesn't go their way.  

They need absolutes.  A sort of guarantee it will work out.   Life, love, relationships don't work that way imo.

I'm still hopeful it works out for Alex.  It's only been 6 weeks.  

I will reiterate my earlier advice to remain prudent and continue observing.  Don't push, let things unfold naturally and organically.

Don't allow fear to drive your ship, keep your eyes open and feet on the ground, live according to your own rules, be confident in the decisions you make and stay true to yourself.

$.02.

 

 

 

Those are interesting insights. Not quite related to what I wrote and interesting! I’m glad you’ve found a helpful mindset. Obviously all relationships are risks. I took many very significant risks in order to accomplish my three main life goals. Marriage family and my dream career. 

I’m not hopeful “it works out “.  I hope Alex continues to have a good time getting to know this new person in her life. And takes a balanced perspective. Head in the clouds.  Feet on the ground. I hope she is not fueled by keeping up with the Joneses.  I hope that if he genuinely is a good match for her they get married and makes or adopts kids with him. 
I think they will know a lot more as to whether they’re a good match for the long term in all the ways that are meaningful closer to a year of dating especially since he’s been single only a couple only 6 months or so. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I hope Alex continues to have a good time getting to know this new person in her life. And takes a balanced perspective. Head in the clouds.  Feet on the ground.

Totally agree!

I actually modified my last paragraph saying this^ as well.  Minus the "head in the clouds" part. 

I wrote:

"Keep eyes open and feet on the ground." 

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think they will know a lot more as to whether they’re a good match for the long term in all the ways that are meaningful closer to a year of dating especially since he’s been single only a couple only 6 months or so. 

Again, totally agree.  🙂

 

[kamurj]

Dear members, please stop debating each other and focus on the OP's post.

[Alex39]

 I find myself sitting at home upset. 

We had a fantastic time last night. He treated me so well. We talked a lot and had such a good time. He suggested that he go home late at night. He has to check on his pets. Then he made a solid plan with me to come back today around 1pm to spend more time together for the day. He was the one that made the set plan, time, everything. I was so excited. So today, I'm sitting here waiting on him. Excited for more time together.

He let me know that he was going to go help his friend with a house project at 9am. Then come over after that around 1-2pm.  Well now he's texting me that he doesn't know when he'll be done and sending me pictures of the project they are doing. It's already close to 1p.  He said there was way more work than he anticipated. 

So I told him to let me know if he can't come so I can make other plans. And now he's putting it back on me like- well if you have stuff you need to do go ahead and do it, because I just don't know how long I'll be. 

I let him know I was waiting up for him, because the plan was for around 1pm. He's like well I don't know when I'll be done here, so I can't give you a set time. And he says- if you have stuff you need to get done,we can always meet up Tuesday like we planned. 

I'm sitting here crying. I trust someone. Rely on them. The only person I can rely on is myself. My house, my life, myself. He said he would help me with my lawn stuff today. I was betting on his help. If I had known he was going to bail, I could have gotten up early and started it myself. 

Am I wrong for feeling jerked around? Like he's bailing on me. He's bailing on me, then acting like I'm the one who has stuff to do. I sat waiting on him all day. He set a plan with me. It was a done deal. It wasn't even a half plan. It was a full plan. 

I could have gone to visit my family today or gone walking with a friend. But he pinned me down and by the time I knew what was going on half the day was gone and no one was around. 

I'm not happy and I plan on telling him not to do this to me again. I'm really upset. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He let me know that he was going to go help his friend with a house project at 9am. Then come over after that around 1-2pm.  Well now he's texting me that he doesn't know when he'll be done and sending me pictures of the project they are doing. 

Sorry this happened. The sleepover didn't happen? Maybe it's time to reconsider the "exclusive" situation. 

You're starting to notice even more red flags and it may be time to start talking to and meeting more reliable responsible men.

Unfortunately he tends to be unreliable and it gets hurtful. Hopefully you'll find something else to do. Sadly his plans are never really plans because he changes things last minute on whims and impulses. Try not to take it personally. It's a character flaw of his. His promises are written on the wind. 

[dias]

Truth is, he does not like you as much as you like him. He might enjoy the company but this is as far as it goes. 

[Batya33]

No I wouldn’t say a word. Why? Because it’s a pattern. An early on pattern. Complete with the ridiculous photos. The sleepover and today were both effectively cancelled but even worse at the last minute and not really cancelled so you were left - again - in limbo. Please say nothing. This is who he is - with you. This is multiple times so saying even a word is a waste. 
Here is what I would say and rehearse so it comes across calm and measured with confidence not arrogance. 
“I hope the project with your friend goes well. I had a nice time last night. I see we’re on different wavelengths about planning and showing up for plans. Before we date longer I think it’s time for me to take a step back and let us both find people who we’re more compatible with. Your way of approaching our dates and plans doesn’t work for me and the way I live my life so it’s best we don’t waste each other’s time. I wish you well!”

rehearse this because you should say it on the phone. Show him you are a person who follows through and you’re not going to hide behind a screen and text this. Show him you take care csre of you. If your tone is calm and not dramatic or with tears or some backstory where you apologize for being too rigid you will show him you treat yourself with respect. And will continue to do so by not hanging out with him anymore. He knows what he does. No need to lecture or “teach “ him. He’s a big boy. 

[Batya33]

Alex he’s going to do it again. Maybe not this week. But again. Either accept living in limbo with him. Wasted time missed opportunities $$$ wasted on - camping food etc - and enjoy the times he deigns to show up and be “reliable “ but then you don’t ever get to complain about how disrespectfully and lackadaisically he treats you. That’s you making your bed and laying in it. Someone above posted about him “forgetting “ to pick up the kids hypothetically.  Yes. That too.  
Marry him and make sure you have a paid “spouse “ meaning people who will do all the Things a spouse usually does. Like if you want food in your fridge , your pool cleaned (I mean “honey can you pls call the pool technician to come on Friday ?  I have that work deadline and it would be great if you could thanks)the plumber called , the diapers purchased or ordered. you will be the solo parent. You will be the planner for you and your kids. And he might or might not show up. And on and on. Either accept that or not but give up on this notion of “one more chance “ or teaching him how to be a responsible adult. when he interacts with you. 

[Jaunty]

Please, please do take a stand on this.  

And check yourself as far as the dramatic "pity party" type of reaction about trusting and relying.  I DO feel for you, honestly, I know it hurts your feelings.  But, he is behaving exactly the same way he's done since the beginning.  It's a well established pattern.  You have chosen to rely on a guy who has let you down literally AT LEAST 50% of the times you'd planned something.  You know exactly what he's like in this regard.  You have chosen this.  So, why rely on him?

This is why we all have been haranguing you about getting to know the person FIRST before signing up to be going steady or whatever you call this.   

In any case, you need to get out of the house now.  Call a friend or go to your family's house.   

 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I m not happy and I plan on telling him not to do this to me again. 

It's fine to stand up for yourself and tell him you don't appreciate being stood up. However he will just weasel out of it by saying "I told you to go do something else".  Unfortunately impulsivity won't change. Reflect if putting your life on hold for if and when he comes through is something you can live with.

Tell him you can't do the camping trip because it's tick season. (or whatever, but don't go). Besides, you'll feel better cancelling on him for a change, especially this idiotic camping idea.

[Jaunty]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Tell him you can't do the camping trip because it's tick season. (or whatever, but don't go).

I still stand by my conviction that there is not actually a camping trip upcoming.  Either it's not happening at all or somehow Alex won't be included after all.   

[Sindy_0311]

Sorry it happened again. Can I ask you if you had sex with him yesterday? 

[Jaunty]

This is a little out in left field given the circumstances - but he has PETS?   What kind of pets?  

Is he going to pay a pet sitting service for them when he goes on the upcoming vacation and / or camping trip with the expensive tent?  

What was he thinking when you and he originally talked about a sleepover?  Did he have pets at that time?

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

This is a little out in left field given the circumstances - but he has PETS?   What kind of pets?  

Is he going to pay a pet sitting service for them when he goes on the upcoming vacation and / or camping trip with the expensive tent?  

What was he thinking when you and he originally talked about a sleepover?  Did he have pets at that time?

🤯🤯 this guy is exhausting me 😂

[Batya33]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

It's fine to stand up for yourself and tell him you don't appreciate being stood up. However he will just weasel out of it by saying "I told you to go do something else".  Unfortunately impulsivity won't change. Reflect if putting your life on hold for if and when he comes through is something you can live with. Tell him you can't do the camping trip because it's tick season. (or whatever, but don't go).

I think impulsivity isn’t bad - and can be really really good - when it doesn’t inconvenience someone else. Then it’s no good. I just don’t want Alex to rationalize how awesome it is to be such a spontaneous person who drops everything to help his friend and has the photos to prove it. 
My husband isn’t the most decisive person. I’m better at certain planning stuff. He can forget he didn’t send me an email he can think he mentioned a plan but overall - he’s really thoughtful and reliable. Overall. That’s what counts. He apologizes and he does do better. Like any reasonably responsible human. Just today I asked him about plans for our one free day in our short trip home later this week. He explained why things were in limbo. He suggested a plan.

I told him I had the opportunity to meet a friend Friday late morning. Within an hour he emailed his family about plans, got a response , checked in with me to see if I was good with it then told me all clear for my plan. I’d have been fine with knowing in a few days. Point is he gave a darn.
He sent emails and followed up and he’s NOT perfect at all! Neither am I. But I know I can tell my dear friend “guess what we’re on for lunch Friday “ and know I can say that and be sure he’s not going to do something “impulsive “ or “forget” about a conflicting plan.  
Sure emergencies happen. But I trust him only to cancel on me if he truly can’t do it.  I mean I personally couldn’t live with the level of uncertainty you describe. In only 6 weeks !!

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

This is a little out in left field given the circumstances - but he has PETS?   What kind of pets?  

Is he going to pay a pet sitting service for them when he goes on the upcoming vacation and / or camping trip with the expensive tent?  

What was he thinking when you and he originally talked about a sleepover?  Did he have pets at that time?

Excellent point. Thank you for bringing that up. 

[boltnrun]

When did he find out he had pets?  Saturday late evening?

Oh wait, he has known all along.  So why didn't he consider that when you two were allegedly planning this sleepover?  And like the others said, who is watching these pets when you allegedly go camping?

How many times has he bailed on you?  I count five.  

Look, he knows what he's doing.  You "talking to him" won't change a thing.  It will, however, prove to him that he's more important to you than you yourself are.  That you'll do anything to try to "keep" him because you want a boyfriend.

Alex, please don't waste your time "talking" to him.  You can decide; is this behavior acceptable or is it not acceptable?  If it's not, you can wave goodbye and seek a man who values you as much as you value him.

[Sindy_0311]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It will, however, prove to him that he's more important to you than you yourself are. 

Agree 100%. Time to make a decision. Either you accept that, or you move on. But he won’t change. And asking him to change will only assert to him that you don’t have standards… 

[Jaunty]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

Alex, please don't waste your time "talking" to him.  You can decide; is this behavior acceptable or is it not acceptable?  If it's not, you can wave goodbye and seek a man who values you as much as you value him.

If you choose this man, @Alex39, you are actively choosing this behavior.  He's been consistent.  

[Jaunty]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

And asking him to change will only assert to him that you don’t have standards… 

I'm not really on board with this.  Several times posts have gone in the direction of " @Alex39 you are worth "more" than this."  

I don't see it as quantitative.  Not connected to her worth or lack of it.   Simply:  what is it she wants out of a relationship.  Out of THIS relationship?   

She needs to be okay with being flaked on, if she is chooses this guy. That is 100% definite.  

If she is not okay with it, then she absolutely needs to move on.

HE WILL NOT BE CHANGING, ant least not anytime soon.  

He's already lost a marriage and a home,  not even a year in the past.  He's not buckling down as of yet.  May be a late bloomer, but the blooming is not happening now. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He let me know that he was going to go help his friend with a house project at 9am. 

He said he would help me with my lawn stuff today.

When did he tell you about helping the friend? Before he left your house? What lawn stuff did he agree to help you with? 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I let him know I was waiting up for him, because the plan was for around 1pm. He's like well I don't know when I'll be done here, so I can't give you a set time.    And he says- if you have stuff you need to get done,we can always meet up Tuesday like we planned. 

Alex, first I'm sorry.

Secondly, BIG mistake telling him you were waiting up for him.  

Also big mistake agreeing to the 1:00 p.m. plan today. 

Why?

He just flaked on you, AGAIN!  On the sleepover you had planned. 

The better response would have been to distance yourself and tell him you were busy today.

Not agree to another "plan" for 1:00 pm which he flaked on once again.  

That's two flakes in less than 24 hours, wow.  Must be some sort of record.  

This man has been jerking you around since the beginning and he's escalating, becoming more blatant about it. 

It's so blatant that a part of me feels HE wants you to end it so he's not the "bad guy" and he feels less guilty about the things he's said to you which in retrospect were misleading.

Also, you seem to have forgotten that you are (or should be) in the "observation" stage where you're observing his behavior to determine if he's the right fit/person for you. 

It's not the time to discuss your needs your disappointment or telling him you need him to "step up" etc.

After only 6-7 weeks, you don't like what you've observed? 

Wish him well and say goodbye.  Tell him you're dating styles are too different or something like that.  

No need to cause drama by telling him how hurt you are and need him to step up.  You've only had a handful of dates after all, it's barely even a relationship.

Walking away is called smart dating, respecting yourself and taking care of YOU.

[rainbowsandroses]

To add, I echo @Sindy_0311question asking if sex happened as you had discussed.

Knowing might shed some additional light on the situation.

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

 Am I wrong for feeling jerked around?

Honey, I’ve been feeling jerked around FOR you since the second cancellation. How many is this now?

What happened to the sleepover he planned?

What has happened to anything he’s planned beyond sitting on your couch?

If your standards include someone who keeps his word and is someone you can trust and rely on, this is not the guy—and he never has been.

 I hope you’ll quit this exclusivity nonsense and start meeting other guys. This one might be charming, but he’s a dud.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I plan on telling him not to do this to me again.

So it took him cancelling on you five or six times for you to have enough and say something? And you are STILL planning to give him more chances?

A relationship is supposed to be a positive thing and this guy already has you crying. How is this a good thing?