Feeling resentful of my mom

[Starlight925]

Have you read ONE THING that has been carefully posted to you?

Or are you simply ignoring all advice, just to write a whole new post with all new details of all new incidents with your mom?

You are exhausting.  I'm sorry.

Please, read this entire thread.  You've been given some terrific advice.  Print it out if you have to.

But for the love of Pete, stop writing these long diatribes with every single new sin your mother commits.  We get it.  She's awful.  Place boundaries.  Done.

[catfeeder]

You view running your back-and-forth over Father’s Day by your Mom as keeping boundaries?

She would be the last place I’d go for advice about this because she has skin in the game, and you already KNEW she’d make you feel lousy for waffling. And of course she’d be insulted by telling her that the only reason you’d consider it now is that they made plans elsewhere.

Then you want to blame her for how you feel? You set her up.

You also told her that you have nothing better to do, so THAT would be your reason for considering Dad?

You make no sense. You want the privacy of decision making, yet you run straight to the one person who you want privacy FROM, and you dump all your cards in her lap.

With nothing to do, I’d run out and pick up a nice card for Dad along with something he likes to eat or drink, and I’d phone to ask whether I could stop in for a visit. If they invite you to join them for dinner, accept and be generous about splitting the bill with your brother when it comes. If they don’t invite you to join, be gracious, wish them a wonderful time, and be off.

[Wonderstruck]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

So tomorrow is Father's day. My mom had asked days ago if I was coming to town. I said no. 

I am trying to forge my own life and spend less time together.

On any other day, it would be admirable that you finally set boundaries with your Mom, but why did you pick FATHER'S DAY to draw a line in the sand about spending so much time together?

Do you have a contentious relationship with your Dad too?

 

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I reached out to every friend I know and no one is free to hangout this weekend, either day. I have no plans at all. 

So then I told my mom how I might come. And kept going back and forth with it.  She got mad saying how I'm just waiting around for better offers and holding her off from making her own plans. 

Okay, but she's absolutely right about this.

You basically admitted that's exactly what happened.

Why WOULDN'T your mom be offended that you only agreed to get together with your family after you reached out to ALL of your friends and found out that they were busy?

 

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

She then tells me how she, my father, my brother, and his girlfriend are going out to eat to celebrate Father's day. 

I told her that I had no idea they were planning that and if I had known we were going to do something more formal, I'd be more into coming. She claims that I told her I wasn't coming, so she didn't think I needed to be a part of the plan. 

Why did the Father's Day get-together need to be "more formal" for you to be interested in going?

I don't understand why you thought that turning your family down for THIS occasion would make people on this forum "root for you" for standing up for yourself.

[Jaunty]

On 6/12/2023 at 11:33 AM, Alex39 said:

 

I guess I am just feeling self conscious. What if she's right? Do I not want her criticism, because it's not what I want to hear, but maybe she's right though?

 

So what if she IS right?  Yeah, maybe you should sit up straight instead of slouch.  She's made her point, and you are an adult capable of making changes in yourself or not.   Or maybe not yet.

Believe me, most adults with decent parents have moments in our lives when we think, with blinding clarity, "Mom / Dad was right!  Why didn't I listen?"

But her constantly niggling at you and you actively setting yourself up for that is a sick dynamic and it needs to stop unless you want to be that particularly painful stereotypical trope:  the woman who just hangs out with her mom her whole life and never develops a life, relationship with a partner, family of their own.

You could be that person if you stay your current course.  

[MissCanuck]

It would be incredibly passive-agressive and selfish to punish your dad and grandfather by not spending time together on Father's Day just so you can stick it to your mom. 

I wonder where you learned that behaviour. 

[catfeeder]

43 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It would be incredibly passive-agressive and selfish to punish your dad and grandfather by not spending time together on Father's Day just so you can stick it to your mom. 

I wonder where you learned that behaviour. 

Yes, this is the learning curve with forming boundaries.

People who don’t know how to set them believe that they must contain an element of hostility and an F-you attitude.

They do not. Effective boundaries are best created and stated in the kindest of intentions.

When Mom asks, “When are you coming to my house to reciprocate what I’ve done for your garden?” Instead of locking down on a ‘No,’ you can say, “Let’s schedule Saturday the xth and you can plan how you’d like to use my services.”

Boom! One day on your calendar to help your Mom feel loved and appreciated regardless of whether your cleanup stays clean. Or you can remind her that she mentioned wanting pictures hung, so ask her to clean those up and have them ready for your scheduled visit.

Point is, it makes no sense to sit around a table hearing complaints while accomplishing nothing. If Mom wants help but can’t manage to organize you properly, direct her focus and give her a scope to focus on for your visit.

Don’t just say “No, I won’t visit” and expect her to not be thrilled with that.

You’re an adult capable of management, so MANAGE your Mom and notice how this will shift the tide away from complaints and more toward gratitude and respect.

[Cherylyn]

No,  don't meet for Father's Day.  Make arrangements to be with just you and your Dad at a restaurant at another date and time.  You don't need to be in group settings.  Personally,  I prefer 1:1 settings because you can actually have a conversation with your Dad as opposed to competing for air time with others.  I loathe large gatherings or medium sized gatherings because often times I can't get a word in edgewise and if I want to discuss something,  I can't because conversations need to remain superficial. 

Have your father take a rain check.   This is how you enforce boundaries. 

[Alex39]

Every year my dad and my brothers go on a 4 day guys trip thursday through sunday. My mom hates staying alone in the house, so she begs me to stay with her. I have to get a pet sitter for my pets and leave my home so she's not alone. 

It kind of makes me annoyed. I'm alone every day. Day and night. I live alone. But she can't stay alone for a few days. 

So we discussed me coming this year in a few weeks. 

I tell her how I will come early Thursday, stay Thursday, Friday, and go home on Saturday midday. Because my pets need me. My sitter shows up for 20 minutes a couple times a day and then leaves them. 

She's all angry that I won't stay the whole time until the guys come home on Sunday. She's acting like I mislead her and am leaving her hanging. And how she'll be alone. 

I'm coming for two days. She'll only be alone for 24 hours. 

I'm always alone. I don't get why she is acting helpless. She claims she wants help with their dog, who is a huge handful. I get that. But I don't feel like thats my responsibility. My responsibility is to my pets at my home. 

 

Am I wrong? 

[Wiseman2]

You need to focus on your own social life and dating. Hopefully this isn't the reason you are having a Monday morning date.

[Seraphim]

33 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Every year my dad and my brothers go on a 4 day guys trip thursday through sunday. My mom hates staying alone in the house, so she begs me to stay with her. I have to get a pet sitter for my pets and leave my home so she's not alone. 

It kind of makes me annoyed. I'm alone every day. Day and night. I live alone. But she can't stay alone for a few days. 

So we discussed me coming this year in a few weeks. 

I tell her how I will come early Thursday, stay Thursday, Friday, and go home on Saturday midday. Because my pets need me. My sitter shows up for 20 minutes a couple times a day and then leaves them. 

She's all angry that I won't stay the whole time until the guys come home on Sunday. She's acting like I mislead her and am leaving her hanging. And how she'll be alone. 

I'm coming for two days. She'll only be alone for 24 hours. 

I'm always alone. I don't get why she is acting helpless. She claims she wants help with their dog, who is a huge handful. I get that. But I don't feel like thats my responsibility. My responsibility is to my pets at my home. 

 

Am I wrong? 

No, you DONT have to go stay with her , you CHOOSE to. Stop doing it . 

[boltnrun]

What would happen if you said no?  Besides her laying a guilt trip on you?  Does she have some severe medical condition that requires round the clock care?

[Seraphim]

The world won’t cave in because she guilts you just say, no. 

[Jaunty]

Alex -  Do you take in the input you get from your posts here?  Seriously.  

There has been a great deal of focus on your relationship with your mother here.   The bottom line is that you need to establish boundaries and assert them with her, at all times.

NOBODY here on this site will tell you you're wrong for setting your boundaries and standing by them.  

DO IT.  And, do everything you can to stop letting your mom and her guilt tripping,  negative talk live rent-free in your head.  I know it will be hard to make that change as it's been "normal" all your life, but you need to be mindful of that. 

[Alex39]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to focus on your own social life and dating. Hopefully this isn't the reason you are having a Monday morning date.

That's how I feel too. I need to prioritize my life. There needs to be a balance. 

No, the Monday morning thing was just a coincidence. He and I both took Monday off, so he was saying we should go for breakfast aince we are both off from work. 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

Am I wrong? 

My sincere question to you is: Are you actually surprised? 

This is how your mother behaves, as you've documented to great length. This is a known, no different than knowing that come evening the sun will set in the west. Something, in other words, that you cannot change. Your own choices to coddle and cave and enable, however, is well within your control to adjust. 

Had you stayed  the whole weekend your mother would have become angry about something else, and that would be your focus here instead of this. In short, her proverbial glass, no matter how full in reality, is perceived as half empty. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I don't get why she is acting helpless

Really?

Because I have never met the woman and could have predicted this with 100% accuracy. Why are you surprised? 

[Jaunty]

Alex you need to take ownership of this situation NOW.   Stop asking "am I wrong" if you are doubtful about standing up for yourself / enforcing your reasonable boundaries.   

You definitely can ask for support here for those things - but YOU need to OWN that you need to do this, rather than going back to ground zero every time your mom does her predictable behavior.

You and your mother have established a pattern over the span of your lifetime.   You are ready, and need to change the dynamic.  She is not.  You can count on her continuing to act the same way she always has in every situation.  So just be prepared to stick to your boundaries and hold your ground.

Also, I want to caution you against engaging with your mother on any of this stuff.  If you say something like "Sorry Mom, I can't do that,"  do NOT get involved with trying to justify your stance with her.   You can say something like "I have plans" but nothing further.

If you try to convince her and try to get her to see it your way, you are just opening the door for more guilt tripping, for her to invalidate you, and you will not win.  Because you're her kid, she's the mom, and she created this dynamic a long time ago. And you love her.  You'll fall back into it.  So you need BOUNDARIES and SPACE in place at all times. 

[Seraphim]

“ No” is a full sentence and the explanation.